Wedding Etiquite

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Momslittleangels, Jan 16, 2008.

  1. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    My easy child is getting married in October :princess:, and being very young and living at home, she and her fiance would REALLY, REALLY like to receive cash for their wedding vs. gifts, as they are saving to move out and don't have a place to put wedding gifts.

    Is there a nice and unassuming way to tell guests that they would prefer money instead of gifts? They are expecting approximately 125 people and it would go a long ways towards a honeymoon and down payment on renting a house, etc.

    They don't want to sound greedy or assume that someone should "get" them a gift, but we were trying to think of ways to help them out. Any thoughts??
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    LOL...maybe say they are registered with Paypal?
  3. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Asking for cash for wedding gifts is pretty much considered a no-no. One thing we did for a friend's daughter in much the same situation was have a "money tree shower." We got a branch, sprayed it white, stuck it in some clay, attached many ribbons to it. As guests arrived, they tied their "gift" to the tree. This netted the couple about $250.00. The nice part was that it also set it up where the word could be spread that the couple really needed cash for the deposit on an apartment.

    For the honeymoon aspect, I believe you can now set up a registry with some travel agencies/sites so that when people ask where you're registered you can steer them to this location and they can leave money.

    Of course, there is nothing wrong with telling people the happy couple need $$ when they call and ask where the bridge and groom are registered.
  4. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    I think the only polite way to manage that is to quietly mention your easy child's dilemma to close friends and family, as well as her reservations about seeming greedy or expecting gifts from people. Word will spread.

    And congratulations on your daughter's engagement. How very exciting!
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Well, easy enough for them not to register anywhere, and if asked, tell guests that they are saving for a house.

    Pretty solid hint.
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I had never heard of this until I moved up here from NY, but here in CT they have this thing called a "Jack & Jill" party.

    Usually friends of the bride and groom throw a party. The 'cover charge' to get into this party is usually $20/person. Usually there is a keg and wine with lite food supplied by the organizers of the party and if people want to bring food/drink they can. But usually the family supplies the snacky foods. These parties are usually held in a Knights of Columbus or Portuegese Club type of place.

    We know lots of friends who have netted over $2000 dollars because many of the attendees give more than $20/person or bring friends...which is encourage. The idea is that the cover charge pays for most of the supplies/rental costs and the rest is a gift to the bride and groom.

    It is rude to suggest money as a gift, but if they are not registered anywhere, most people will give cash. And if close friends or family asks you or the grooms parents, they should tell people that the happy couple are saving for a home.

  7. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Those are some great ideas ladies - - - - thank you so much! I had mentioned about doing a "money dance", but neither of them dance much, so not sure if that would work. I also thought about putting a tree up, but didn't want to seem presumptuous.

    I love the idea of a party with a cover charge Jo - - how clever. Actually, they wanted to do a co-ed bachelor/bachelorette party. Maybe that would be a great way to handle it - - do you think?

    And Janet - - having them register with paypal - - - :rofl:. That's good.

    We are planning both a baby shower for April (her baby is due at the end of May), and her October wedding - - :surprise:. What a busy year.
  8. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Maybe this is a cultural thing, but here in Australia I've been to several weddings where the request was for money instead of gifts and nobody seemed to be offended. If you like, I can get the actual wording of what my sister used, for her daughter's wedding (the most recent one, and I recall, also worded beautifully).

    What my sister did - in the wedding invitation, where you might put a bridal register card, for example, she put another card which basically said, "As the couple have already been set up in their household for some time, they already have a lot of things they can use in their future life together. What they would really appreciate from you, if you choose to do this, is a cash equivalent of any gift you were likely to give, to put towards their honeymoon and perhaps to go towards something really special, such as a new kitchen. If you wish to participate in this, you may be anonymous and so no specific money amount needs to be known by them. We will have a wishing well set up in the foyer at the reception, with a gift book. You can put your money gift into an envelope supplied and put it into the well. If you also sign the book they will know that they have you to thank for giving them this extra start in their life together.
    If you would prefer to not do this, we do understand and welcome your participation at their special day."

    Or words to that effect.

    The wishing well - it was a large drum, decorated to look like a traditional wishing well with a slot in the lid so envelopes could be dropped in. The book sat next to the slot, with pen attached. The bucket which was wound up to the top, held empty envelopes. If people wanted to, they could put their names on the envelopes, but if you couldn't afford much and didn't want to be embarrassed, you could make it totally anonymous and simply sign the book as being among those who donated.
    And if you didn't want to do this, you could still give them a toaster, or similar. Because all they would do with the many toasters they might receive, is cash them in anyway.

    husband & I cashed in the double-ups we received when we married (we got four crock-pots! We kept the biggest one, cashed in the others). From the cash we raised, we bought a set of really good saucepans, which we still use 30 years later. The wishing well is a more honest way of doing this, in my opinion.

    If you think this is OK, and my recollection of my sister's wording isn't quite what you want, let me know and I will telephone her to ask what exactly they DID put.

    Some people find the concept of a bridal register offensive. Frankly, I wished we'd had one - I had my heart set on a particular range of very nice glasses, to complete a collection begun when we were given a lovely pair of glasses for our engagement. A bit expensive, but I wanted something special. ONE glass from each of my five sisters would have made me happy. What I got - several boxed sets of standard glass beakers, so that we STILL haven't broken our way through them all.

    As I said, this could be a cultural difference thing - wedding customs are different, in different countries. But the object of wedding gifts is to help the young couple set up their new household, so surely practicality should be welcomed?

  9. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member

    Asking for money is supposed to be a no-no. Where I live, when you go to a wedding, it's rare to see a gift on the gift table. Most guests give a card with money, but I've been to weddings elsewhere in the country where there were tons of gifts. I suppose if they did not register, guests would opt to give cash or gift certificates.
  10. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Think carefully about a money dance. There is nothing more embarrassing to the bride and groom if people don't come up to dance. They stand out there very sheepishly. I see this happen all the time when I DJ events. It seems especially common when people have come from out of town. They've already spent a great deal of money just getting there, the gift, showers, etc.

  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    And...many people just don't bring cash to a wedding. Heck, many people don't carry cash at all anymore. Besides, it's usually a dollar a dance, you probably couldn't make more than $20.00.

    Just sayin.
  12. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    I grew up in a community where anything given was appreciated but most young couples wanted money. It was never requested. The gifts usually stacked 1/2 and 1/2. For many it is more in keeping with their budget to buy a nice gift because the money would seem miserly.

    We did do a money dance where the men get a shot of whiskey(how antiquated is this?) and the girl's got a piece of wedding cake to put under their pillows to dream on. I think that is growing out of favor.

    Remember weddings are not supposed to be money making events but a celebration.

    Asking for cash gifts is a no no from everywhere I have lived.
    She doesn't have to register. If anyone asks, tell them anything will do or have some suggestions ready. Tell them the couple are hoping to move out soon and any help would be appreciated.
  13. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    How about a "money tree"?

    As to how to word an invitation without offense, I think people will either be offended or they won't. You can't control what other people think.

    I like it when people register somewhere for gifts, but find it goofy when people go and buy the gift but don't click it off the register. Then the couple get 14 of one thing because everyone knows they want it, but didn't take the extra two seconds to click it off the list at the checkout counter.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Another idea would be to tell people that ask that a VISA/AMEX/MC gift card would be acceptable as well!

    The Money Dance: If children are going to be present, someone supplies them with a small-medium basket decorated in the bride's colors who stands out there on the dance floor with the bride and groom. When no one in standing in line, they dance with one another.

    I was once at a wedding where the bride did a "Dollar a Kiss" thing and all the guys lined up for a peck. It was cute. While she was doing that the groom handed out cigars.

    Typically, the wishing well is at the bridal shower and it's for cash gifts & smaller gifts for the bath and kitchen.

    I think requesting money over a gift is kind of cheezy myself. It's pretty much understood that cash is king and the only one's who give gifts try and find something they can afford that they think the couple would like and the couple should be graciously accept whatever they receive. There are some gifts that we received that at first we were disappointed with, but now I treasure them.
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Try this.....
  16. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Marguerite - - thank you for your suggestions and verbiage to go along with the invitations. I guess depending on the customs in a person's area, this could work very well.

    Lothlorien - - I agree that these days, gifts aren't always brought to a reception anymore. Some out of town people will just mail something, so they don't have to lug it along on a plane trip.

    Abbey - - I thought about the money dance issue - - can you imagine how embarrassing it would be if no one came up and danced :smile:. Soooo, you DJ events, do you?? We need a DJ - - wanna come to Southern California??? I will trade and come to Vegas next time. :smile:

    BBK - - Yeah, I hardly carry cash anymore either, so I see your point. When my step sister got married, they did a money dance and I gave her new husband $20.00. What was I thinking... :hammer:

    Fran - - I think they are leaning towards not registering too. Anything they get would have to go into our garage until they move out (not that big of a deal I guess), so it might be best to just tell people that they are saving to move out and then people can do what they want. And you are right - - this IS a celebration and I hope they enjoy it.

    Witz - - We might put some sort of "box" on the gift table anyway, in case people have cards or what not, so they don't get lost. Maybe we could get creative and have it decorating to match their theme (which is autumn/fall - maple leaves, etc).
  17. Momslittleangels

    Momslittleangels New Member

    Star - - - I can't pull up your link at work (darn blocks), but I will take a look at home. Thank you!!!

    Jo - - Good idea about the kids standing out there...and there will be plenty of children coming, so they can help entertain!! Thank you.
  18. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    My mom made my first wedding dress and she made a matching back with drawstring for me to carry around as we visited each table. Guest were then able to hand me their card and I could put it right into my bag. It was very convenient and we didn't have to worry that our cards would be stolen.
  19. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    Now THAT'S my kind of first dance!!! Hysterical. :woohoo:

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I have nothing more for you on weddings...but...when Jamie and Billie had their baby shower her mom and another girl made the most adorable little bassinets out of Styrofoam cups as table decorations.

    They cut the cups in half lengthwise almost to the bottom leaving maybe an inch and a half left. Then they glued on lace ribbon with pink in it all around the edges and sealed the open part with more lace. They filled the interior with pink, yellow and blue jordan almonds.