Looking for Love...Everywhere!

LoveTempered

New Member
One week of official Emeritus status and the honeymoon is over. Son ran from yet another placement. This one was a chance for him to graduate high school and learn some adulting skills. He seemed so happy with the welcome he received and the plans for prom, graduation...etc. I just don't know how many times my heart is capable of breaking. I am beginning to think hope is like poison. At least this time, it was only two weeks of misplaced hope.

His drug of choice at this point is sex and the possibility of a relationship fixing all that is broken inside of him. After two days of being completely off the grid in a different city, he texted me saying he is safe and with the love of his life. They connected online somehow and maybe as recently as this past weekend. This online sex thing is really scary. He could be with traffickers for all we know.

We were encouraging and all starry-eyed when he agreed to go to the new program. We even went ahead and got him a phone because he was going to need it to apply for jobs. He had food, housing and life coaching all in place with HS graduation scheduled for May 26th. Now he has run off to be with a girl. He wanted to do a video call so we could meet her and it seems like he thinks we are going to be as happy with his choice as he is. All I could think of to say if we did such a call was to beg them to use birth control. I can't even imagine what he has told this girl or promises he's made regarding out willingness to support them. There is no such willingness.

I am unsure how to lay down a boundary in this latest chapter. We have been neutral in the initial communication today because we were so relieved that he was alive. He had seemed really excited about the new place and how nice everyone was. He is usually very negative and finding ways to be the victim or target of his peers. I don't know if he planned this or just impulsively ran off with the girl. After years on his rollercoaster, I was truly shocked that he went AWOL this time. It didn't fit his pattern.

The question is, how do we state clearly to him that we are not going to support this choice? Do we shut down the phone to punctuate that we are not all in? Should we instead have a video call with both of them and bust any myths he may have created?

It's always a devils bargain. He is confusing our relief that he is safe with enthusiasm for his choice. When we call out this latest twist as a mistake, we will lose contact with him. I am certain. Even his therapist predicted that his quest for "true" love would take priority over everyone and everything because he fantasizes that it will fix all the hurts. Ugh!

Looking for your input dear Emeritus gurus lovingly acknowledging that this seems like small stuff compared with what you've experienced. He is only just beginning this phase and it is hard to know how to be...except for powerless. We are so very grateful that you freely share your wisdom. :angel:
 

Newksm

New Member
You are the expert on your son. My thoughts are just what I think I would do if I was in a similar situation.

I think after getting prepared with list of statements I would do the video call. In my mind it would go as beiing pleasant but firm. I would say that you hope things will go well. That he's an adult and will need to figure things out. I would say, since you're going to be self-supporting we will be stopping payment on phone service in 4 to 6 weeks whatever coincides with when it's due again. I would try to compile a list of resources for the communities they are in in case they need help. Then offer to text or check in with them maybe once a week.

We know that this will probably go downhill in a few weeks... does he have a case worker that he can contact? Newksm
 

LoveTempered

New Member
You are the expert on your son. My thoughts are just what I think I would do if I was in a similar situation.

I think after getting prepared with list of statements I would do the video call. In my mind it would go as beiing pleasant but firm. I would say that you hope things will go well. That he's an adult and will need to figure things out. I would say, since you're going to be self-supporting we will be stopping payment on phone service in 4 to 6 weeks whatever coincides with when it's due again. I would try to compile a list of resources for the communities they are in in case they need help. Then offer to text or check in with them maybe once a week.

We know that this will probably go downhill in a few weeks... does he have a case worker that he can contact? Newksm
Thank you, Newksm. There are a couple of people at the new place that play a role like a case worker. I learned last night that he also reached out to them yesterday. Really good sign I think.

I agree that this love probably won’t last. I bet the people he is in contact with at the new place can help with resources.

Really appreciate the suggestions. We want to be strong and not enable him but I am honestly so relieved that a firm but connected path is emerging from your insight. Thank you!
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I get the impression he’s the type of person who always has to have a girlfriend, or else he cannot be happy. Several people in my extended family are like that. I wish they would all get into counseling to try to figure out why they cannot be happy without a significant other in their lives. There is a deep void within them, caused by what? I don’t know. It’s sad when a dysfunctional person gets involved romantically with someone because they’ll both end up miserable.

If you do the video chat, I don’t know what you should say. You could keep it light with neutral conversation. We know it won’t work out, but don’t say that because he will think you don’t want him to be happily in love.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
As for birth control, remind your son that he already knows he needs to be careful, and not just protection against pregnancy. He’s been taught and knows all the information out there. Women complain that the pill makes them sick and fat. But, being pregnant makes them sick and fat, too. Men don’t like condoms, but in today’s world it’s necessary. If he tries to tell you men can’t get HIV from a woman, tell him he’s dead wrong. It blows my mind that people still believe that!
 

LoveTempered

New Member
Update: Girl's family has taken him in. I spoke truthfully to them about us not bailing him out and to her about his history of his not being self-supporting but relying on others to do the work for him. I am glad for my own conscience that I warned her about his ways. They have been with her family for a couple of weeks now. I just checked in with him. He is making excuses about not having a job and says the girl is working a lot. As a woman, I am heartbroken for her and all the other love-lorn he may leave in his wake.

Just keep repeating to myself, "Not my monkey. Not my circus."

Can people just be born like this? We worked hard for all the years we had him since adoption at 3.5yrs and I don't want to believe it made no difference. Sending our youngest to high school next year and needed to provide photos for the ceremony ending middle years. Looking through family photos is excruciating. We had so much hope and believed our love and care could overtake the other. Right now it just feels like he has outgrown using us and has moved on to the next "host." We don't regret adopting him but it would be great if loving him didn't hurt so much.

Thanks for listening. :love_heart:
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
People can be born with challenges in their personalities, propensity to addiction, mental illness and their life circumstances MAY make them worse. Or not. Nobody knows for sure yet. Theories of the why of human behavior change fast and can not be scientifically proven yet.

Adopted kids are seen in disproportionate numbers in psychiatrists offices. Adoption is a trauma, they say. I believe. But in all?Nobody knows.

Our parenting doesn't affect our kids as much as their genes seem to. Ask any mother of an adopted kid who met her child's birthparents.

"She even walks and talks and flicks her hair like this woman she never met before. She has bipolar like her birthmother!" If the birthparents are not functioning well, it seemsmore likely that our child, whom we raised to be functional, still will have problems functioning. Not helpful to blame yourself.

Hugs and love.
 

Mirabelle

New Member
Hello Love Tempered,

I can identify with a lot of what you have written about your son. My husband's son seems to have grown up with or developed a propensity for the belief that it is up to others to take care of him. He wants to go out on his own and be free from us but oops, that pesky part about having to be self supporting in order to make that happen. After three plus years of lurching from one bad decision to the next, he found himself for the first time actually homeless - the sleeping under a bridge type homeless. His mom, knowing that my husband and I are heading overseas to see family for a spell very soon (and therefore wouldn't be around to deal with her son), sprung into action and found a place for him at a 90 day rehab in another state. At first he seemed all jazzed to go, but since arriving has become complacent. To be honest I question whether he really wanted to go to rehab or just really wanted to get off the street. Plus if he is in rehab he doesn't have to hold a job, something he really does not want to do, according to him, ever. He wore out his welcome at his mom's (not working or contributing, disrespect etc.), then at our house (same reasons), then at a friend's relatives' house (same reasons), then at a homeless shelter (same reasons). It seems he either will not or is incapable of changing his self absorbed ways, and will simply migrate to the next host when the time comes to move on. And of course, when crunch time comes, according to him it is our responsibility to keep him alive, not his own.

Ho hum. We are enjoying the peace of mind and quiet while we have it to enjoy. Sometimes you just have to take those precious moments to stop thinking and enjoy the feeling of being a carefree human, even if just for a little while.

I wish you peace and comfort in your journey.
 

LoveTempered

New Member
Thank you Mirabelle! I was having trouble letting go and taking a breath without guilt. Your story helps a lot. Our sons’ paths do seem similar. Now that we are officially Emeritus, I have to get used to the loving spectator seats. :)
 
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