Everyday turns out to be worse than the one before. She came home last night crying, she had her hood on so I couldn't really see her face and I was half asleep. So I asked her if she was okay, she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no, of course and went to bed. This morning I go to her room to wake her up for tutoring and her face is SWOLLEN!!! She has a black eye and looks horrible. I went crazy!!! She lied and told me she fell down. Uh - okay, was I born yesterday? Is that the excuse of every battered woman? Hello!!! So I stood outside her door as she was on the phone with her loser boyfriend and heard her basically kissing his butt. I storm in and scream at him, threatening him "If you ever put your hands on my daughter....." She quickly hung up so he couldn't hear me. I went into panic mode and began lecturing my poor baby girl, crying and begging her to get it together. She, of course cursed at me and told me to get the f**k out of her room. She came downstairs and I of course am falling apart at the seams, which only irritates her more. At this point I can't help it, I am devastated, crushed, my heart is in a million little pieces!!! I showed her a baby picture of herself, I said: "Look at that beautiful baby girl, look at her, now look in the mirror and look what you are doing to her, your killing my baby, you are destroying my little angel, please oh please I beg you to think about what you are doing to me, you are killing me, I love you and you are torturing me......." I am in hysterics and pleading with her. It was like a bad lifetime movie. All the while knowing my words nor my tears aren't making a damn bit of difference to her. I am just hoping and praying something I am saying will trigger some common sense, something in that brain of hers that will make her see that she needs to get healthy. I am grasping at straws. I know that nothing I do or say at this point will change a thing. But I am a mom, what else can I do but beg and plead with her, I love her so much, I want so much for her to be healthy and happy. To know that she thinks so little of herself is absolutely crushing to my mommy heart!!!! Well, guess what? It didn't work, she is on her way back to that piece of sh!t right now. I am not shocked. I knew she would go back. I can only imagine how long this has been happening. God only knows what he puts her through. He is using her and intellectually she knows it, but she has no self esteem, she does not think she is worthy of anything else, she doesn't love herself at all. She so needs to engage in her therapy, which by the way, she isn't going to today. She has an appointment at 3. She was supposed to have tutoring today at 12 but she left. I want to go to an empty field somewhere and just scream and scream and scream until I cant scream no more!!! I am so angry, at what I don't really know, at everything and everyone, even at God!!! I hate the world, I hate happy people and I hate life!!!! Life s**ks!!! All this pain and suffering, for what? I live everyday just to watch my poor child kill herself everyday. I feel like I am living in a nightmare that I cant seem to wake up from. Year after year of sheer torture to my soul. I just cant take anymore!!! I am amazed that I haven't had a nervous breakdown by now. How is it possible to be in so much emotional turmoil and yet my heart keeps beating? How does my body work? I keep breathing yet I can't seem to find any air. I am suffocated by my own emotions. I crave freedom, I want to be free of all of this pain!!!! I wish that I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I am so tired of living in darkness, I want to see the light again!!!! I'm sorry I am spewing my negativity about, I know it's pathetic. Right now, this very minute I don't even care how pathetic and weak I sound. That is exactly how I feel, PATHETIC AND WEAK!!! Anyway I have ramble on long enough. Once again thanks for listening to me belly ache.