Well, here I am again....he's beating her!!!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by bran155, Oct 22, 2008.

  1. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Everyday turns out to be worse than the one before. She came home last night crying, she had her hood on so I couldn't really see her face and I was half asleep. So I asked her if she was okay, she said yes. I asked her if she wanted to talk, she said no, of course and went to bed. This morning I go to her room to wake her up for tutoring and her face is SWOLLEN!!! She has a black eye and looks horrible. I went crazy!!! She lied and told me she fell down. Uh - okay, was I born yesterday? Is that the excuse of every battered woman? Hello!!! So I stood outside her door as she was on the phone with her loser boyfriend and heard her basically kissing his butt. I storm in and scream at him, threatening him "If you ever put your hands on my daughter....." She quickly hung up so he couldn't hear me. I went into panic mode and began lecturing my poor baby girl, crying and begging her to get it together. She, of course cursed at me and told me to get the f**k out of her room. She came downstairs and I of course am falling apart at the seams, which only irritates her more. At this point I can't help it, I am devastated, crushed, my heart is in a million little pieces!!! I showed her a baby picture of herself, I said: "Look at that beautiful baby girl, look at her, now look in the mirror and look what you are doing to her, your killing my baby, you are destroying my little angel, please oh please I beg you to think about what you are doing to me, you are killing me, I love you and you are torturing me......." I am in hysterics and pleading with her. It was like a bad lifetime movie. All the while knowing my words nor my tears aren't making a damn bit of difference to her. I am just hoping and praying something I am saying will trigger some common sense, something in that brain of hers that will make her see that she needs to get healthy. I am grasping at straws. I know that nothing I do or say at this point will change a thing. But I am a mom, what else can I do but beg and plead with her, I love her so much, I want so much for her to be healthy and happy. To know that she thinks so little of herself is absolutely crushing to my mommy heart!!!!

    Well, guess what? It didn't work, she is on her way back to that piece of sh!t right now. I am not shocked. I knew she would go back. I can only imagine how long this has been happening. God only knows what he puts her through. He is using her and intellectually she knows it, but she has no self esteem, she does not think she is worthy of anything else, she doesn't love herself at all. She so needs to engage in her therapy, which by the way, she isn't going to today. She has an appointment at 3. She was supposed to have tutoring today at 12 but she left.

    I want to go to an empty field somewhere and just scream and scream and scream until I cant scream no more!!! I am so angry, at what I don't really know, at everything and everyone, even at God!!! I hate the world, I hate happy people and I hate life!!!! Life s**ks!!! All this pain and suffering, for what? I live everyday just to watch my poor child kill herself everyday. I feel like I am living in a nightmare that I cant seem to wake up from. Year after year of sheer torture to my soul. I just cant take anymore!!! I am amazed that I haven't had a nervous breakdown by now. How is it possible to be in so much emotional turmoil and yet my heart keeps beating? How does my body work? I keep breathing yet I can't seem to find any air. I am suffocated by my own emotions. I crave freedom, I want to be free of all of this pain!!!! I wish that I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I am so tired of living in darkness, I want to see the light again!!!! I'm sorry I am spewing my negativity about, I know it's pathetic. Right now, this very minute I don't even care how pathetic and weak I sound. That is exactly how I feel, PATHETIC AND WEAK!!!

    Anyway I have ramble on long enough. Once again thanks for listening to me belly ache.
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    First and foremost, HUGS.

    She's under 18. Seems like you could press charges against him.

    Get her to an abuse clinic or shelter. Let the women there talk to her. Ask the police to tell her the horror stories they've seen, the women killed and serously njured by their abusers. It will have a lot more impact than anything you could ever say.

    Sadly, it is hard for some to let go of their abusers. As you said, she feels she deserves it. It takes tremendous strength to walk away from that. Many women tolerate it for a lifetime.

    I would definitely be talking to the boyfriend and letting him know that if she walks in with another bruise anywhere for any reason, you are calling the police and charging him with abuse. And, no, you don't care if the bruise is because she fell down. I'd also be letting my child know that I will be checking her body for bruises on a weekly basis.

    My daughter did date one guy I really didn't like. He was verbally abusive to her in front of me. I told him (1) he would not speak to my child that way either in front of me or behind my back and (2) it better go no farther because if he laid a hand on her at the very least he would be in jail and be grateful to be there because if I got my hands on him I'd guaranty a castration. I'm not sure why but he quit dating her about a week after that conversation. Broke my heart.

    No one and I mean NO ONE hurts my daughter and gets away with it. If she can't or won't protect herself, I will. Mine has known that since she was 5.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    If she is still 17 and he is 18, you may be able to press charges against him as her parent. I'm sorry she is making such poor choices. Maybe you could call a domestic violence shelter and get some support.
  4. maril

    maril New Member

    So sorry to hear of your beautiful child that you can't reach and want to protect. It is heartbreaking. Is your significant other supportive? Is he able to reach out to your daughter? Can you lean on him?

    The other posters have sound advice. Sorry I can't offer anything more, other than hugs and hope for the best. Like you said, life s**ks.
  5. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    You need help kiddo! This might seem extreme, but why not call the morgue and ask them to call you the next time they get a domestic violence body in? Explain your situation and they may let you bring her in to see what really really happens.

    In the meantime, you need help for you - this is absolutely wrong that you're going through this alone. Why not call the shelter and ask what programs they recommend for YOU? You're just as much (or more of) a victim here - you're a warrior mom who's being subjected to such a brutal pain - I'm sure they'll have some sort of support group for people who are waiting for the ax to fall.

    I wish I could meet you and we'd approach this piece of trash together. Don't know if you saw "Georgia Rules" but the way Jane Fonda handled the step father is the way I'd like to "converse" with this dope!

    Hugs to you!

  6. Jena

    Jena New Member


    their all right, you have to do something, like now. For you right now def. a support group this is way too much to go against alone. For her, i know 18 is around the corner and iknow you have tried various things believe me. yet find some type of facility to get her into just to get her off the streets for now i'd suggest. it's not a long term solution yet maybe getting her away from him, the crowd she's hanging with and maybe somewhere that could offer counseling, medications, etc.

    this is only going to kill you mentally, and the rest of your famly and when she turns 18 who knows what she'll decide to do on her own. it may be your only shot and getting some control over this.

    for the boy, yup i'd be calling the cops and pressing charges little piece of ................

    hugs to you, sorry but i've seen this sort of thing before don't mean to come across in a bad way. yet showing her baby pics, and pleading is not going to do anything for her at this point and it's just more upsetting and frustrating for you.
  7. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I fully agree with the others. A womens shelter might have someone that can go with you or talk to her. Some one that has gone through it, someone who is young who can get in her face and scare her, help her, understand her. I would call the police. Who cares if she hates you, even for a long time? One day she will realize you were right, and she will be alive. She needs help and so do you. Call any advocacy centers and abuse hotlines any of them ask them to help you help your daughter NOW.
    Hang in there.
  8. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. {{{hugs}}}. There are things you can do ... your daughter is a minor. You CAN call police, even now, and press charges against this guy. You can arrange a restraining order. If your daughter refuses to cooperate, maybe a CHINS application is in order to help keep her safe. Or even a 302 because she's putting herself in imminent danger of harm. Please talk to the police and they'll tell you what can be done. While your daughter is still 17 you can do this, so go for it. The police can go and pick her up on a form (application for evaluation) based on what you tell them, and the ER staff will see the obvious harm that's already been done. If she has no other plan than to leave to go back to this abuser, they'll most likely keep her. (They might not be able to if she were over 18, but as a peds patient it's different.)

    I would also contact the local women's shelter for a counselor for you. They won't force your daughter to sit and listen to them (in my experience) but they'll invite her to come and join group and listen to other women, most likely, and they'll offer her counseling. But counseling for you is just as important, because this is destroying your health and peace of mind.

    I'm so, so sorry you're in such pain.
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm so sorry. I think the others are right. You can press charges. I really like MB's advice about having a domestic abuse shelter and the police talk to her.

    I agree to you need to be sure to seek help for yourself. It's o.k. to need the help, you are going through a lot. Sending the gentlest of hugs and many prayers.
  10. amazeofgrace

    amazeofgrace New Member

    Oh sweetie (heating a mug of hot cocoa for Bran and warming a blanket in the dryer) I am so sorry. I know you're frustrated, I truly can relate at how disheartening it is.

    Know I am praying, we are all here for you! Maybe you need a mental health day, just for you, mindless shopping, or a pedicure and manicure, watch an old favorite feel good movie with your favorite munchies.

  11. moonwolf

    moonwolf moonwolf

    I'm so sorry...I've been in your daughter shoes many times before...in my case after a while I finally had enough...and left them...it took me a long time...years to open my eyes...I hope it doesn't take that long for her...I didn't have a mother that cared enough to do anything for me...I'm glad she has you...All I can say is be there for her...try to get her help...get yourself help...do anything you can to help her...she may not want you to help...but if you don't she may resent you for it later...good luck...
  12. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Bran, you have just been handed a big chance on a platter. She is still under-age. In 3 months time maybe you couldn't do anything, but right now - you can.

    Call the cops. Press charges. Get whatever you can in place, use the law to the last inch that you can, to get her controlled by the law.

    I know it hurts but do try to avoid getting so upset in front of her. It only feeds her sense of control over you, a sense of control she needs even more, if the louse is beating her. He controls her, so she controls you. You cry and get hysterical - she gets a kickback and feels that she can't be too bad, at least she's got YOU by the scruff of the neck.

    Also call CPS. She is a child who has been abused by an adult.

    Go ahead. Call. Enjoy it. And at least you'll be doing something, which has to go towards reducing your stress levels.

  13. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Bran, I am so sorry.
    She has made so many poor choices.
    I agree, that your reaction will fuel her decision to stick with-this lout. They will unite against you. I would learn to bite my tongue in front of her.
    Go ahead and call whomever you deem best to handle the situation. Marg and eveyrone else is right ... she's under 18 and this is a little window of opportunity.

    I'm sending strength and clarity. And a good nights's sleep.
  14. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    You are not pathetic or weak. You feel powerless to save your child. Your pain is raw. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for your daughter.
  15. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Oh, Bran...I'm so, so sorry you're dealing with this. I have to agree with the others, do whatever you can right now to help her. She is in no way capable of helping herself.

    You are not pathetic nor weak. You are stressed out, worn out, and undecided about what to do next. Many, many hugs, lots of love, and prayers going out to you.
  16. luvmyottb

    luvmyottb Guest

    Please call the police and press charges. I feel the desperation in your post and realize everyone on this board is praying for you and your daughter.

    This boy is such scum and she doesn't get it at all. He is an abuser. I hope you can get her some help and give yourself some peace.

    Sending gentle hugs, thoughts and prayers.
  17. Pookybear66

    Pookybear66 New Member

    Bran-MAJOR MAJOR ((((HUGS)))) to you! Take the others advice and use this to your advantage to get her some help. You get some help for yourself too. Then eat a big quart of ice cream and check back with us later.
  18. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Thank you all so much. Your kind words and well wishes mean so much to me. To be able to come to this site and connect with all of you really does make life a little easier. Your support is much appreciated. :)

    I made some phone calls yesterday to find out what can be done. I cant do anything right now because I don't have the kids real name, I only know his street name and I have no clue where this guy lives. So until I get that information my hands are basically tied. In the meantime I spent almost 2 hours on the phone with my wonderful sw who basically said there is nothing I can do about helping my daughter at this point, everything that can be done for her already has been done for her. So she really wants me to focus on me. She says that I really need to work on detaching and accepting the fact that there just isn't anything I can do to change my daughters life until she is ready. A fact that I am already aware of, it's just very hard to sit back and do nothing. At this point all the services that are in place for my daughter I am using and not her. And I really have a great connection with our sw, she is absolutely fantastic. She tells me like it is, yet has an amazing way of doing it with compassion and understanding.

    My daughter did not come home last night at all. Her tutor showed up at my house today and my daughter wasn't even here. I called her and she then showed up 30 minutes later. So the tutor and I sat and chatted until she got here. She is supposed to stay for 3 hours but my daughter rushed her out of here within 1 hour. While the tutor was here, she was on the phone, she warmed up some food and ate while the tutor tutored her. I wasn't aware of this as I stay upstairs while she is here. My daughter called me to come downstairs to say goodbye to the tutor and sign her sheet. When I got downstairs my daughter was scratching her butt with her pants half way down her legs!!! I was mortified!!!! She has no class whatsoever. I told her to pull up her pants and show some respect, she then cursed me out in front of the tutor. Telling me to shut the f**k up and that I was a dumb b***h!!! Talk about embarrassing!!!!! The tutor is very sweet and understands that my daughter is ill. She is very supportive of me. After the tutor left my daughter cursed me out some more. She says things to me that I wouldn't say to my worst enemy. It's not even what she says, it's the way she says them. With hatred and malice. She speaks to me as if I was another teenage girl in the street. Horrible, horrible things. She has no conscience. I don't know how she sleeps soundly for one minute. If I treated people the way she does I would feel horrible inside. It doesn't seem to bother her one bit, in fact I think she kind of enjoys it. How sad. She got dressed and left. So I probably wont be seeing her until tomorrow. Which is a good thing as I don't like her very much right now.

    She is spiralling out of control quickly, she hasn't taken her medication regularly in quite some time and it shows. Some of you had suggested I not give it to her at all as taking it only occasionally is more damaging than not taking it at all. I spoke with my sw about that and she agrees. So, now I wont be giving her her medications at all until she is ready to be consistent with them. My life is only going to get worse from here on out. Without her medications she is a complete monster!!!

    I will keep you all posted and let you know how life in the crazy house is going. Thank you once again my friends. God bless. :)
  19. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    {{{hugs}}} Bran.

    You are right. Your daughter is spiraling out of control. You are going to have to let her go. The SW sounds like a dream. She is right to tell you to detach. It's an unbearable situation.
    You sound a bit more calm today.
    How is your son taking all this? Does he make comments about his sister?
  20. bran155

    bran155 Guest

    Terry, thank you I am feeling a bit stronger today. My spirits are up a bit. I am going to get my nails done, so I am looking forward to that. :)

    You had asked me about my son's reaction to all of this in another post. I answered you there, I guess you didn't read it. It's on the general forum, I believe it's now on page 2, the thread titled "War in my house at 2 am".

    Thanks for your support. :)