Well, I give up! Sorry for whining!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by nvts, Apr 11, 2008.

  1. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I don't know if you've been reading, but we've been having trouble with difficult child 1's school situation.

    I fianlly got fed up (3 days on a new medication, Abilify and they wanted us to put him in the psychiatric hospital. for a medication wash). Every time he acts up, they start tacking on a new "in addition to" diagnosis, yet when I ask about the vilidity of keeping him on the Concerta, I get "I don't want to take a chance of taking him off a medication YET".

    What the h-e-double hockey sticks?!! I've been asking this question for 1.5 years!

    I told them yesterday, I'm looking into a new school. It flat out told them that they failed and damaged this child, that their indecisiveness and rigid disciplinary actions caused further damage. I told them that they would constantly ask for advise, yet failed to act on any and all issues that could have been handled with little to no effort.

    I told them that the "root cause" of his issues had never, ever been addressed (the Aspergers issues) and that they were not only "reaction based" as opposed to proactive and this is where the major disconnect was.

    They restrained him leaving bruises on his spine along with rug burns on his chin, which meant a grown man sat on a skinny little 9 yr. old, held his face into the rug, and pushed down on his neckbone with his thumb. But hey! He was cursing!

    I am deflated, exhausted and sick and tired of fighting the fight. I still will do it, but I'm desperately looking for the "funny" that always makes it easier.

    Maybe if he'd kicked them in the ... hmmm, maybe I'll get somewhere with that chain of thought!

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Why don't you find other doctors? I don't necessarily recommend what I did to anyone else, but when I saw that stimulants were hurting my child, rather than helping him, I threw them in the garbage and he immediately improved. I'm sure you could find another psychiatrist who would agree with you and tell you to take him off of it. My kid was on bipolar medications for three years and he didn't have bipolar. I knew it, but, well, THEY were the doctors...I didn't question enough.
    He's medication free today and doing great. Not lethargic either. He is also on the Spectrum and stims made him aggressive and mean.
  3. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    I'm sorry that your school, um, inhales sharply on a straw. I hope you find a better school quickly. Are you going to homeschool until then?
  4. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    Ahh Beth.... hugs to you, hon. This journey sure does inhale forcefully the stuffing out of us sometimes.

    Marks on our kids - something I pointed out but not something I got real assertive about when thank you was in therapeutic school and also Residential Treatment Center (RTC) #2. Hindsight being 20/20, I was completely wrong and I would raise holy heck about this now. These people are supposed to be trained in therapeutic restraints. Restraining a child who is cursing is not a restraint, it's abuse in my humble opinion. Restraints should be a last resort and *only* if the child presents a physical danger to himself or others. I'd document marks, tell them this is the *last* time it will ever happen, and demand immediate retraining in appropriate restraint techniques for all staff involved in his education. Our kids have the right to be safe.

    Are medications prescribed by a doctor affiliated with school? Sorry - I'm confused (normal state ;) ). Sounds like school is adding diagnoses and adding medications? I'd agree that if you can swing an independent evaluation, it might help to get a different perspective on things.

    I've got to get to work or I'd look this up for you - check the NY Dept of Ed or whatever they call themselves for policies re: positive behavioral intervention strategies. A lot of states are now putting out "best practice" policies and specifically addressing PBIS. Reaction-based intervention is never going to work, as you obviously know, because the horse has not only left the barn but it's in the next county by the time staff "reacts". It might help to have specific documentation from NY DOE to get staff to get with the program?

    Hang in there - I know it's wearying and incredibly frustrating.
  5. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Wow, sweetie. Hugs to you.

    I'd be calling the police on Mr. I-can-sit-on-a-9-year-old because-after-all-he-cursed-at-me. That is unacceptable. That is abuse!!

    I am not much as far as advice on medications, but I know that Tink was a banshee on stims. She does well on Abilify. Of course this is Tink, not your child.
  6. Christy

    Christy New Member

    They may be the "experts" but you are the MOM! If you don't want him on a particular medication, it is your right to say so. State clearly that you want the medication stopped.

    My son was given a black eye the first time he was restrained at the psychiatric hospital. They call and told me he slipped in his socks and hit the corner of the desk. When I visited my son that night, I told him to be more careful and he said that he didn't fall but was pushed down by one of the men trying to give him an injection. My son's behavior is explosive but we have never caught him in a lie so I tend to believe him. We told ourselves that it can happen and that it was one of the things we were afraid would happen at home when trying to get control during a violent episode but I never felt he was safe after that. I issited on visiting daily even when they suggested that I not see him after he'd had a rough day. I said even if it was just 5 minutes I was going to see him. I needed to lay eyes on him. I noted many black and blue marks on his arms and legs as well as rugburns on his face and shoulders. In fairness, he was often covered with bruises at home because he throws himself around during a rage. But I was always worried after the blackeye happened. It is so hard putting your child into someone elses care even when we know that it is absolutely necessary at times.

    Sorry about the your situation. Hope things start to improve soon.
  7. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm so sorry to hear what you are still going through. and maybe a new school would be a good idea at this point.

    my thoughts are with you.

    hugs to you

  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    ((((HUGSS)))) that's all- just wanted to offer support and say I'm sorry.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    abilify was good for my difficult child i just wanted to add quickly. it did overtime though give her extreme anxiety issues worsened what was already there. yet initially i found it to level her off nicely.

    just figured i'd add that.

    good luck

  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    WOW Beth. I am so sorry. I understand about feeling like giving up. I happen to be in one of those moods myself today. Sigh. Life.

    Please, please, please get your son out of that school. The same thing happened to my son in a therapeutic school. The crux of the story was that they were restraining him the wrong way, and cut off his air supply. All of the blood vessels exploded in his face, neck, and eyes - and he could have died. Kids do die from being restrained incorrectly every year.

    There is only one legal way to restrain a child. I would find out if your school is using that method, and whether every staff member is certified in that protocol. They are supposed to have yearly re-certifications on file for every employee. If not, call the police - and regardless, I think I would remove my son ASAP.

    Once I removed my son from the school where they hurt him, he did exponentially better. The constant physical restraining seemed to perpetuate itself - almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. Almost like he sought out the physical contact. It was weird, and I never really figured it out - but I know that I felt like that school had damaged my son, just like you do. He had nightmares from that restraining episode, and I am sure PTSD.

    This all just breaks my heart. For you. For me. For all of us and our difficult children. There just has to be a better way.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    The physical restraint issue - if he seemed to be seeking it out, it could be some aspect of the sensory integration issues you get in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Like Temple Grandin's personal crush machine she made for herself, if you can give your child another way of having the feeling of being held firmly, but under HIS control, it might help. For example, difficult child 3 has a weighted vest which we had made. He doesn't use it much now (I think he's outgrown it, I'll have to make him another since I can use this one as a model) and easy child 2/difficult child 2 wears tight corsets. Both boys like to climb inside a large cardboard box and all of them tend to curl up on cushions on the floor instead of sitting in an armchair.
    difficult child 3 prefers to do his schoolwork in various places, usually lying down on the floor or on his bed. When he plays his computer games, he prefers to lie down. I let him, since it seems to help him function better, to have choice.

    Often these issues come down to choice - or lack of it, in school. Plus you get some people who seem to delight in the opportunity to trot out their "skills" in restraint. There are always people who delight in a crisis.

    On the subject of stims - our younger three all take stims and especially for the boys, it helps the autism components too. difficult child 3 was switched to Concerta at Christmas, but has been having trouble especially in the last few weeks. We've just put him back on SR dex for a few days and he's doing much better. His dose may have been too low, especially considering his recent growth spurt.

    So Concerta may still be valid for your son. Can't you take him off it yourself, though? Maybe I haven't got the right picture, but surely you have the final say here? I mean, if you went to the school and said, "My child has been diagnosed with Rainbow Disease, it's an entirely new disease because I just invented it, and we're treating it with red cordial three times a day," the school has to either say, "Yes ma'am," or dob you in to CPS, surely (as a mother who's gone totally loopy)? But they can't even then turn round and say, "We don't agree with you, you must keep him on the previous medication."

    Personally, I'd be sending them to a taxidermist.

  12. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    I certainly hope you took pics of the injuries.

    I have to tell you two things. I hope they don't sound too harsh but I feel your frustration and pain through the words in your post and I can only share with you what I would do were I in your place.

    First, I would yank my son out of the school pronto. Second, I would remove the stims. I can't tell you exactly what to do after that point. It's clear the school wants him gone, they don't know how to "handle" him (and I don't mean that in a negative way). He could finish the remainder of the year at home since you are a stay at home mom.

    If that option is not one you are willing to take, what about working out a modified day with the school. Go pick him up before lunch every day. Get his work for the remainder of the day when you pick hi up. There is not that much time left in the school year. Putting him on a modified day could do a number of positive things. He could feel relief at knowing that he doesn't have to hold it together all day long. He may be able to maintain for a few hours knowing relief is on the way. His teachers and some staff could feel a sense of relief that they don't have to "deal" with him all day and it might improve their attitude towards your son. We did this for my son when he was at his worst in second grade and it was the best thing we did for him at that time. It gave everyone breathing room and helped difficult child to feel positive again.

    Stop those stims this morning! If you feel in your gut, and a mother's gut is not something to play with, that they are adding to his issues, stop them. What is the worst that could happen? Tell the school on Monday, should you choose to send him back, that you are to be phoned immediately if there is an issue. You may have to be the backup until you can figure out his long term schooling situation. But I would not allow the kind of treatment your boy went through the other day.

    Beth, making sure that your son is safe and stable is so much more important that his finishing a worksheet at school. He will catch up once he is on a more even keel.

    I would not send my son back to an enviornment where he was injured. I would be livid and I would be in that administrator's office with my photos the next day!!!!!

    Lots of hugs.

  13. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am so sorry for all you are going through. I would have him out of that school immediately but I would be raising a big stink. There is no way they should be restraining him for cursing! Much less they should be properly trained to do restraints. I know when I had a student who was maybe going to need to be restrained we were trained. I would also pictures so you can document this.

    I also think I would be looking for a new psychiatrist. I don't understand him being unwilling to take him off the stims. It just doesn't make sense. I know for our son, the stims worked as far as allowing him better concentration. Of course, the violence wasn't worth it!

    Gentle hugs to you and your difficult child.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Another thought - giving him respite from face-to-face could be good for a number of reasons. Plus - something we observed especially with difficult child 3, was that his ability to cope would get worse as we got closer to the end of the school year. I also noticed that teachers in general seemed to have shorter fuses as the year's end approached.

    Could that also be a factor?

  15. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    I am so sorry Beth.
    We were having issues with K's medications and our psychiatrist we had to stop all of them. Even though K is not on the spectrum, sometimes we have to do what is best for our child! For us it was just too dangerous for her. For us the School is not a good thing either... which is why we are having to move, horrible health care and horrible schools.
    Maybe one day if parents keep standing up for their children thing will change? I don't know...
    I hope things get better for you... what ever your decision. For all of us.