Well this day hoovered with maximum Bissell force

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, May 8, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    I had said on another post that I would be thankful this Mother's day for my just son being safe and stable. No gift needed, nothing. And I sincerely meant that.

    Not only did I get nothing, but he didn't want to come over to eat. OK, fine. I had also said in my head that was OK.

    However, on the phone he started to yell at me, and that just set me off. I told him it was Mother's Day, and it would have been nice just to have a nice hello, etc. That set him off even more. We ended up getting in a huge fight with it ending by him calling me a dumb b**** . He KNOWS once he starts to call me names that is it. ESPECIALLY that phrase, I am done. I hate that phrase as much as the "C" word - can't and won't be called those 2 things.

    So that is my Mother's Day. He is over at his house feeling sorry for himself telling me he wants to kill himself because now he has made my Mother's Day so horrible (which I never said), and I am sitting over here trying to detach and not care. I have to tell ya - it IS hard. I have given SO much to this kid. Just a thank you, a nice hello, anything would have been better than this.

    I guess I was also really blindsided, because he has been doing pretty well. Considerate, nice, sweet. He has not called me a name since he moved here in July.
    And now is the day to do it??????:nono:

    I am just amazed sometimes at the timing of this kid. You just never know. I think it is going along fine, and then wham - I get blindsided.

    On top of that I really am worried about him. He is just turning into this lump, with no motivation, often with suicidal ideations - and he absolutely will NOT go to a DR., or change his medications....period.....end of conversation.

    So this is what I have to look forward to? Him being a lump, and refusing help. Grand. So excited. NOT! :mad:

    Today I realized I am not just grieving the loss of my dad and my sister - but in the time span that my sister died and my dad was diagnosis with cancer my 2 careers went South. I gave SO much to both of them, just like Matt - and I am not sure if I can ever muster up the self confidence, trust, or the willingness to ever put that much energy into an upper level management career again. I am sad that I may never really have that career again. And I am grieving that my son is so damaged, disabled, and challenged that I will never have a peaceful, normal calm relationship with him. Ever.

    For me, that is giving up hope. Which as my signature states, has always been so important to me. But it is over. There is no more hoping. My life just is. And I feel like a piece of swiss cheese. So many holes, but that is what my life is. I can't fill up the holes with something else, they are just there - and someday to be accepted. Hopefully soon.

    OMG - really there has to be a better way. Thanks, as always for listening.
  2. mrsammler

    mrsammler Guest

    Many hugs, Steely.

    I grew up in a Southern family with a very authoritarian Southern military officer father--not quite The Great Santini (i.e., no violence), but not far from it. Let me tell you: if any of us kids had EVER called our mother a b***h, Oh. My. God. The consequence from my father would've been nuclear: physical punishment (the belt was not spared in our home--something that I do NOT approve of and NEVER used with my kids--no corporal punishment at all in my home) plus a LENGTHY deprivation of privileges. It would've been essentially a lockdown of the harshest sort. But because of this, we NEVER did this. It was unthinkable.

    I saw my late-teens difficult child nephew call his mother (my sister--raised in the same house as I was, amazingly) that word, the C word, and many worse vile combinations of words, and he was NEVER punished for it. Astounding. And wrt to difficult child claims of suicidal feelings, I know that's always a serious thing, but I also know that my sister's difficult child played that card every time he wanted to be let off the hook for bad stuff he'd done, and it always worked: parental fury melted into loving concern, and the memory/record of the bad misbehavior vanished in the process, which was the outcome he obviously sought. So I'm always skeptical about that--it so often seems to be an emotionally manipulative gambit from difficult children.

    At the end of the day, he called you a b***h. And he's 20, not 15. And in so doing, he hurt you badly on Mother's Day. You're not asking for my counsel, but I'll give it: I wouldn't speak to him or let him darken my doorway for several months--pick a number over 2 and then stick to it, no matter what. If he presses you for an explanation, tell him that that's what happens when he disrespects you like that. X months from now, it's unlikely he'll do it again--not without thinking hard about the consequence, anyway. And meanwhile you'll get X months of relief from his misbehaviors--let him stew in his juices and unhappiness. I know it's hard to do, but it seems necessary--he can't pull stuff like this and then just walk away from it as if it never happened.

    OK, end of unsolicited advice. I really am very sorry he ruined your Mother's Day. As the Bard memorably said, "How sharper than a serpent's tooth, to have a thankless child."
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    ((hugs)) Steely

    I find it interesting that he chose to call you what he did and then his behavior switched to you were supposed to feel sorry for him (the wanting to die cuz of what he did) for having called you that. Manipulation. Placing the blame of an action onto someone else. I'm glad you're not falling for it. It makes me wonder how much more he does this that you're so used to you don't pick up on it.

    Stinks to be talked to that way on a special day.

  4. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    At any point after realizing it was MD he could have been ultra sorry and nice, but no, poor him. I'm sorry...((((hugs))))
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm so sorry. in my humble opinion, there is a better way....
    You KNOW you deserve better than this x100!
    Even though he is ill, I wouldn't engage/tolerate this one bit.
    No doubt you have made medical services available to him. As long as this is available to him, you can walk away and should.
    I agree, name calling is out of line...BIG TIME. Sickness or not, it should not be tolerated. He is smart enough to play you or at least attempt to play you. He should be smart enough to reach out and get the help he needs. That means medication, therapy and personal effort. Period.
    Is there someone out there who he is hesitant to play games with? YOu might ask this person to call him a few days before a holiday to ask him to make sure he is appropriate for the holiday. And if he is not apppropriate, so be it. That is his sad choice. It hurts like heck. You did not cause this, can't fix it, etc.
    AGain, I'm not saying this is easy. On the contrary...I think it is profoundly difficult and unfair. But, I also don't think you have a choice. Shake this off and move forward. If it's not set up already and if appropriate, you might make sure your difficult child has access to a doctor and if you can pay for these services, figure out a way to pay for it if he goes. (Can't force him to go, and don't worry about it if he doesn't go).
    Read everything you can get your hands on re: boundaries and detachment. I would go into this mode at warp speed. Don't look back. Don't think too much. Don't get your emotions into this. Look at it as a medical problem. Period. You deserve better...you take better.
    Also...let super good friends know this is often a difficult day for you and spend time with them and others who can and are willing to show their love.
    Don't give up hope that you can be happy even with this difficulty in the background.
    I know you know this drill....it still hurts at times. But detachment REALLY is freeing.
    Happy Mother's Day!
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hey Steely!

    Happy Mothers Day -

    I wish you would have joined those of us who chose to do something for ourselves from the $5 - $20 category - and being that you are like a few hours being me? You still have time! The year is not over for you - and you have a salvagable window of opportunity to take control of your day and remedy a moment in time and make it your own. What happened with the rest of it? Done, gone - can't get it back, can't fix it - can't change any of it. Dwelling on it isn't going to make it any better - so in doing so? Wasted time, energy and ......added bad mood. BUT there is a child in your house that IS a good kid, loves you- loves the sand, loves the get up and go in your life and would just LOVE to get in the sexy jeep and take that $5 to $20 and go do something with Mommy for Mommy. Go make a GOOD memory and then? Go post about it in the other HAPPY post. YOU HAVE THE ABILITY to do this.
    YOU ARE a gifted writer - YOU are one of the few people that could crawl in the car with 5 bucks, a dingo, and go get a popsicle and come back with an AMAZING mothers day tale - then let us all know about it ina memorable way.

    I can't beg you - and I won't. I'm not built like that. I can' only encourage you to stop now - GET UP - GRAB your bootstraps and fix in yourself what you can fix and use around you what you have to fix what you can - and those tools are - the five bucks, the dingo the jeep and your fingers to tell the story when you come back. The rest of the junk? Meh - you deal with that EVERY day - put one foot in front of the other ----and GO GET THAT DINGO A POPSICLE.
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Sending lots of hugs and belated Mother's Day wishes!! I am both sorry that your difficult child chose today to poop all over you and angry that he then tried to get you to feel bad for him.

    NO WAY was the switch to I want to die because I ruined your Mother's Day real or legit. No. Way. It was manipulation to make you forget his bad behavior and get you to lavish attention on him - to fix his problems and tell him it was "okay" for him to behave like a selfish toddler.

    This was one of the things that the psychiatric hospital Wiz was in worked hard on with him. They explained to him that he manipulated people to get what he wanted and that he loved to justify his behaviors so that he could see us dance to his tune. "I know I snuck out last night after bedtime but I only did it because I really needed some time alone and you served rice for dinner and it made me sick and I wanted to just walk it off." kind of koi.

    What helped the most was to put his problems and the consequences squarely back on his head. You snuck out, we stop letting you leave the property unsupervised. We also would say "manipulating" or "justifying" as he was starting or as soon as we caught it and then it meant that whatever he was angling for he did NOT get. After a while all I had to say was the words and he stopped instantly and would go do whatever he was trying to get out of. He got tired of the extra chores that were often the consequence.

    Star and the others are right. It is time to work hard on detaching. You seem to be FAR more worried about him than he is. You cannot make him use the tools. You have gone WAY over and above what could reasonably be expected of a parent and now he must figure his way through this. I know it is hard. You have had so much on your plate the last few years. We are all here for you and we love you. Of course if your instincts scream at you that he is going to hurt himself then you must do what you must do. Otherwise, he is a grown up. You have made health care available to him, and that is all you can do.

  8. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I thought of you this morning.
    I hope you are ok.
    Part of me is recalling the years I felt so trapped trying to help my difficult child get better. And then I felt even worse when she was mean unappreciative, unkind and/or doing things that were dangerous.
    IT took me a long long time to get it in my head that things were NOT likely to change. Even if they were to change, I was not going to be part of the change.
    I think I hesitated to move forward 'cause I thought that if I didn't watch over her, no one would. And there are times I still think about this. It's not really true.
    We help our daughter a little with medical things and a tiny bit with food. We also pay for her cell phone, but will cut that off for several days to a week if she is disrespectful to us. We do not tolerate disrespect and it took a little while...but she is MUCH better with this. I am fortunate (big time) that my husband backs me up on this.
    Her life is scarey at times....going back and forth. Generally, she is medication compliant and generally she seeings her doctor for medications. She wont go to a therapist for talk therapy which is too bad, 'cause it has helped her in the past. But I can't be a policewoman.
    When I detached, my life moved forward in leeps and bounds. Sometimes I am amazed at all that has transpired in my life since about three years ago...when I made the decision to detach.
    It is still very hard. I have my moments. I suppose if I stopped everything and dedicated my life 24/7 to difficult child she would be every so slightly better...maybe and that is only a maybe. She would also likely be entitled. AND it is very likely...in fact it is almost 100% that I would be MISERABLE.
    No doubt it was the right decision that 3-4 years ago, I detached. My life has improved one thousand fold. And difficult child has actualky improved a little. My house is clean and calm. I pray a lot and hope for the best. I am grateful for detachment. I talk to difficult child perhaps about once a week. We see her for holidays if and only if she is appropriate. If she calls with- drama, I keep it short. If she hints of suicide, I tell her to call her doctor immediately (I will pay) or consider going to the ER (if appropriate). But, I try not to worry about it. It is her disease. She needs to learn what to do. I can't control it.
    Not easy. Not fair. But it was the only way. I am happier....and for the first time in a loooong time....life is going very very well for me....it is a good thing. Sending you well wishes....you are on my mind.
  9. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Tesla texted me - she said "No posicle auntie star. :-( " I wrote her back - Maybe today love.
  10. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Oh actually that was the wrong Tesla Star* - can't you tell them apart? Tesla meant to text you, but she was too tired from playing outside all afternoon with her mommy. Although her mom forget the Popsicle, bad mom - but she had a great time anyway. :)

    I didn't read the posts back until this morning, but thank you. I certainly did not sit around and wallow in pity yesterday. Nor did I worry about him killing himself, I know it is a ruse. I have heard it a thousand times.

    Nomad - detach in capital letters is what I am working on - YES.