I had said on another post that I would be thankful this Mother's day for my just son being safe and stable. No gift needed, nothing. And I sincerely meant that. Not only did I get nothing, but he didn't want to come over to eat. OK, fine. I had also said in my head that was OK. However, on the phone he started to yell at me, and that just set me off. I told him it was Mother's Day, and it would have been nice just to have a nice hello, etc. That set him off even more. We ended up getting in a huge fight with it ending by him calling me a dumb b**** . He KNOWS once he starts to call me names that is it. ESPECIALLY that phrase, I am done. I hate that phrase as much as the "C" word - can't and won't be called those 2 things. So that is my Mother's Day. He is over at his house feeling sorry for himself telling me he wants to kill himself because now he has made my Mother's Day so horrible (which I never said), and I am sitting over here trying to detach and not care. I have to tell ya - it IS hard. I have given SO much to this kid. Just a thank you, a nice hello, anything would have been better than this. I guess I was also really blindsided, because he has been doing pretty well. Considerate, nice, sweet. He has not called me a name since he moved here in July. And now is the day to do it?????? I am just amazed sometimes at the timing of this kid. You just never know. I think it is going along fine, and then wham - I get blindsided. On top of that I really am worried about him. He is just turning into this lump, with no motivation, often with suicidal ideations - and he absolutely will NOT go to a DR., or change his medications....period.....end of conversation. So this is what I have to look forward to? Him being a lump, and refusing help. Grand. So excited. NOT! Today I realized I am not just grieving the loss of my dad and my sister - but in the time span that my sister died and my dad was diagnosis with cancer my 2 careers went South. I gave SO much to both of them, just like Matt - and I am not sure if I can ever muster up the self confidence, trust, or the willingness to ever put that much energy into an upper level management career again. I am sad that I may never really have that career again. And I am grieving that my son is so damaged, disabled, and challenged that I will never have a peaceful, normal calm relationship with him. Ever. For me, that is giving up hope. Which as my signature states, has always been so important to me. But it is over. There is no more hoping. My life just is. And I feel like a piece of swiss cheese. So many holes, but that is what my life is. I can't fill up the holes with something else, they are just there - and someday to be accepted. Hopefully soon. OMG - really there has to be a better way. Thanks, as always for listening.