Went Too Far... The Saga Continues...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Skool Teacher, Dec 18, 2016.

  1. Skool Teacher

    Skool Teacher Member

    Hello Everyone,

    It's been a long while since I've written and I'm back. Sitting here in tears still not understanding why my adult daughter (21) can't just do what she needs to do to be a responsible adult.

    Last time I wrote, she was living with some lady that kept calling me reporting on my daughter she did something wrong and telling my daughter that I had abandoned her and family at all cost... Until I stopped answering and taking her calls. I also blocked her number. My daughter was dating her son, who didn't live with the mom because he had hit her and disrespecting her on so many levels.

    Long story short the lady was using my child to help pay her bills, clean her house bad mouthing me to her and threatening to put her out weekly and telling her what a bad mom I'd been. My daughter and I had one last blow out in July 2016 and I told her not to contact me anymore. I hadn't spoken to her her until November when she sent me an email apologizing for being disrespectful and admitting her wrong doing and telling me what a good mom I'd been. She said she wanted to make amends with me and move forward. I'm still not very trusting of her and thought that might be some ploy but I did communicate with her via email but not expecting much. She also asked could she get the truck back but I told her that the only way she could get it back is to have VERIFIED proof of insurance and a valid license and that she would have to get certain things repaired on the truck. Needless to say that has not occurred because she has not followed through on the necessary things I requested and it's been over a month and a half. I knew that she would not do what was necessary to get the vehicle back.

    This week I got a series of emails talking about how bad it was living with the lady and that the lady was going to put her out. I told her to keep working and to lay low until she could get her own place. She asked could she come home for a week and I told her no. She asked to stay for the weekend and I told her no. My daughter just received a small settlement from a car accident and this lady wanted a portion of the money and that's where this last threat of being put out came from. I now realize these emails were to set me up for possibly let her come back home because staying with this lady has now reached the end and she knew it.

    Yesterday, she called me. We haven't talked voice to voice since July. The first call was to let me know they argued. The second call was to let me know that the lady had physically attacked her. I didn't know if I should do anything or try to help because things are always extra dramatic with my daughter. I then called a friend and the friend suggested helping her move to an extended stay hotel until she can decide what she is going to do. So I went and I tried to help.

    Her right eye is swollen, blue and black. She has a long scratch on her neck and thumb. This broke my heart to see. She said the police were called and that she was pressing charges against the lady. I met her at a grocery store and she was with her disrespectful boyfriend (the lady's son). I can't stand him. He has called my home and called me obscene names and said F' me that my daughter doesn't need me. My goal was to not respond to him should he say anything to me. He helped load her stuff in my truck and we left without incident. The friend I spoke with graciously rode with me for support. We found an affordable extended stay hotel and proceeded to go check in and my daughter didn't have her ID, she said her boyfriend had it. I was enraged at this point. All my daughter keep talking about was the lady and her boyfriend. I made it clear that I was there for her not her disrespectful boyfriend and that I didn't want hear anymore about them.

    I had her call him so he could meet us again in the parking lot of the grocery store with her ID and the rest of her stuff that had been left at the lady's house. He pulled next to me and I pulled off to another parking space. The made him made and he started calling me all kind of B-words. My friend kept me calm and I did not respond back to his ignorance. My daughter at this point starts flipping out in the truck on the way to the hotel to the point I had to pull over and told her to shut her freaking mouth. There was drama at the hotel because she started pulling her stuff out the truck and told us to leave. My friend said we were not leaving until she had a room.

    She got a room and it's not too far from her job. I'm now worried about her being safe at this hotel because of what I saw when I got there. It's not ideal but it's affordable and she is not homeless and can take Uber or Lyft to work. She also started ranting about how she knew why her dad killed himself and that she wanted to do the same. We helped get her stuff in the room. My friend ask if she wanted to pray together and she said no. I told her to lock the door and not have any involvement with the people that were there and we left.

    I told my friend on the way back that I was really afraid that I might have to bury my child soon. She needs professional help and I know she won't get it. I thought when we first started communicating in November that maybe things had changed for the better but after yesterday, I see she is still the same. A part of me just wants to go get her bring her back home and help her get better but I now she is not going to do right and the reasons I made her leave are the reasons she can't come back because I know she is not going to do right or act right or leave that boyfriend alone.

    Praying for a Christmas miracle or least for her to be ok and to get her own place soon. Thoughts and feedback welcomed. Thank you all for reading.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    It is hard to admit that we can't help our adult kids and that often our gallant attempts to help are not appreciated.

    If you want to help daughter, do it for you and do not expect your kindness to change her or for her to appreciate you more.

    My advice is to focus on your loved ones who can reciprocate and to let go of your difficult daughters outcome. Honestly, our adult kids are resourceful. Suicide is rare. Most just threaten for sympathy.

    I hope you have a nice holiday with those in your life who can love you back in a normal way.

    Hugs for your hurting heart.
     
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  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Skool teacher, I'm so sorry, watching our kids behaviors up close and personal can have nightmarish results, I know. Your daughter is so young and yet, no matter their age, the bottom line is how sad, scary, powerless and out of control it can feel when we see first hand the choices and lifestyles they choose to live. My daughter is 44 and I'd been in a similar scenario with her just a few years ago. It's so hard on us......

    If she won't seek the help that she needs, there is not much you can do. My suggestion would be for you to contact NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness and see if you can get yourself into one of their excellent courses for us parents. YOU will receive the support you need there. You can find help, resources, information, guidance and folks who understand. Many parents here find solace in Families Anonymous or Al Anon.....some place we can go to vent, feel heard, find some peace.....a place where our hurting hearts are understood.

    All of this gets worse during the holidays......in the meantime, perhaps try to release your daughter into the arms of your perception of a Higher Power and seek support for you now....focus on yourself and your family......do kind and nurturing things for yourself.....one thing my husband and I did during the worst times with my daughter was to take off on day road trips.....just get out of Dodge for the day......it's remarkably helpful to change the scenery and take action for yourself.......it doesn't change the situation with your daughter, but it does serve to shift our own emotions and thoughts.......do your level best to stay focused in the present moment and don't go out into the future ruminating about what could happen.....that always helps me........if you can, meditate......you can find guided meditations on YouTube for peace of mind and relaxation......just 5-10 minutes of that will help to calm your mind. Do whatever you can to take care of yourself.

    Keep posting, it helps. Seek support. Be kind to yourself. Sending you a big hug......this stuff is so hard......hang in there.....
     
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  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, Skool. This is so hard sometimes. I wish I had more words of advice.

    I think you are a very loving mom to have taken on that task and that abuse and still reacted so lovingly. It was very painful to read your post -- I am sure very much more painful to live through.
     
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