We've Decided not to include difficult child in our Easter Plans.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by welcometowitsend, Mar 27, 2013.

  1. My parents will be arriving home from Florida on Thursday and I spoke to my mom last night about Easter plans.

    My sisters house is small and well, not very clean so we won't be going there. My mom figures she'll be too tired to cook and I just am too stressed to deal with even thinking about putting on a meal.

    We decided to go out for dinner so I'll call a couple of restaurants to see who is open on Sunday. Then we can go after church, it'll be relaxing for everyone and no one will have a mess to clean up.

    Mom and I decided not to invite difficult child. I feel kind of weird about this and I can't decide whether to even get him an Easter gift or not.

    It's so strange and foreign to me to have to make those kind of decisions and boy do I feel guilty about it.

    The facts are:
    He treats me terribly.
    Has made it clear he doesn't want to be around me, his grandparents, or his dad
    Doesn't even want to talk to us.
    Makes no effort to be part of our family.
    Tells everyone he meets that we've abused him.

    Yet he is still my child and I still feel like I should invite him to dinner and I should get him a gift. My husband says 'no'. difficult child doesn't deserve it.

    Part of me wants to keep making the effort in this way and part of me wants to stop chasing him because it doesn't work. It's like a dog that gets out of the backyard and the more you chase it the more it runs away. I know it doesn't work but I don't ever want him to have a legitimate 'proof' (in his mind) to show that I favour his sister or I don't love him, you know? That's one of his 'things' - easy child is our favourite according to difficult child which has never been true. Although it's easy for him to say that now because she is so easy to get along with and he is not.

    Maybe I should make him a small basket of chocolate and if and when I hear from him with an effort to get together I will give it to him. On Easter Sunday I will text him and say "Happy Easter. Love you, Mom and Dad. How does this sound? Any other ideas? What have you done in the past?
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    FWIW - I think you should do what you WANT to do.

    If you are thinking of inviting him to dinner or having an Easter basket because of some sense of guilt, or a feeling that you *should* be doing something....then NOPE! Absolutely not!

    on the other hand - if you want to make an Easter basket for him because it will make YOU happy to make one - regardless of difficult child enjoying it, thanking you, or even stopping by on Sunday...then DO IT!
  3. SuZir

    SuZir Well-Known Member

    I like your plan. He hasn't behaved in the way that would suggest he would be pleasant company at the dinner. He hasn't reached out and asked about Easter plans himself. No need to ask him to join. No need to give him gifts (you do give gifts at Easter? What kind of gifts usually and is it common custom in the NA? I have missed that one totally. We just give kids chocolate eggs (that have small toys inside.))

    But I do agree you need to reach out for him in some way and in this situation a text, you are planning is a good way. And yeah, I would be giving chocolate too, if he would reach out by himself, maybe even take-out pizza or some Eastern pastry if I would be feeling extra generous.
  4. DazedandConfused

    DazedandConfused Active Member

    You're plan sounds good. Small gift, or basket, to give when you see him along with a text on Easter telling him you love him. I would do whatever make YOU feel comfortable and good. Obviously, you do not feel OK with just ignoring him. However, I wouldn't invite him to your restaurant get together. I'm fearing this may happen in the future with Son (mine) because at this point, he makes a scene every time my family gets together and I'm always a stressed out mess before and afterward.
  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I wouldn't give difficult child a gift unless husband is on board with it. The most important thing in my humble opinion is that the parents be a united front and support each other. You two are going to have a number of difficult decisions to make together in the coming years with difficult child. I've been there done that, got the t-shirt.
  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    WTW, I'm sorry you are in the middle of this. And, I'm sorry that your heart is hurting about this choice. I agree with the others, I think you've made a wise choice and texting him and making a small basket of chocolate is a good plan. And, I know it hurts you to not include him.

    I made that choice this past Christmas, it was very difficult. And, I ended up having such a nice time with everyone else, with none of the 'stuff' our difficult child's bring to the table. It felt like a real turning point for ME in the detachment process. I think this is a turning point for you too, these decisions are so much of a struggle for us parents and yet, all the reasons you stated about his behavior are all beyond valid for excluding him. Hang in there WTW, you're doing a wonderful job and still, it hurts. I wish you peace, as always and send many, gentle hugs.............
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I have had to do this in the past also. I would send him a card not much more than that.

    The guilt? Just keep reminding yourself of the facts you stated here. This is his choice really and he proved it by acting like a complete jerk. I found when I stopped pursuing my difficult child#1 that is when she wised up and started realizing that she did want me in her life and did want a mature relationship with me not the entitled childlike one I refused to put up with any longer . Granted, not all difficult child's come to this conclusion and some take longer to realize this than others but there is hope for a future holiday with your difficult child present. So enjoy yourself now without him and hope for a future when he will be mature enough to behave at holiday gatherings. -RM
  8. Thanks all,

    Suzir - We don't do a lot for Easter. We've always done a hunt with chocolate eggs, they'll get some other candy and a chocolate bunny. When they were younger they'd get a couple of toys, maybe a new outfit. This year I will do the egg hunt with easy child and she will get her Easter basket, card, a pair of shorts and new PJ's. difficult child is getting a few chocolate eggs and a chocolate bunny along with a card - if I see him. If not the chocolate can be shared between husband and I.

    husband is ok with me doing whatever makes me feel ok. He doesn't think difficult child deserves anything but he understands the conflict that I'm going through and is really understanding about it.

    I'm going to plan to enjoy this weekend.
  9. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    WTW - we have decided the same thing. We were originally going to allow our difficult child to come over in the morning for brunch but my husband and I talked last night and both agree it's not a good idea to have him at the house at all at this point. I am making him a small basket and will give it to him when I see him next. I know it's a horrible feeling to exclude your child from a holiday gathering. I understand the guilt. Trust me - I get SO get it. Sending BIG hugs to you!!!
  10. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I like the plan you are going with. Hope you have an enjoyable weekend.
  11. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Cards are good. :)