Family tend to be the ones who hurt us the most. Part of it is that family feel free to tell us what they think, and part of it is tat family really do love us but would rather beleive that we are incompetent, than that there could really be anything seriously wrong.
You will be most unlikely to get an apology, for the same reason they feel free to tell us in the first place. The closest you will get, is a change in direction once thewy realise that there IS a problem and you didn't cause it.
When it's therapists or specialists who have been saying these things ("It's YOUR fault,") why do we stay with them? Often for very good reasons.
1) If you changed who you deal with every time one of them accused you of being the cause of the trouble, then you would spend all your time hopping from place to place and always running as soon as the finger gets pointed in your direction. That's how you can end up with a Munchhausen's by proxy diagnosis. Because that is what a genuine Munchhausens's would do. So to prove your point, you stand your ground, you do what they suggest knowing it will fail, because only then can you stop running and finally deal with someone who HAS to beleive you because you called theire bluff.
2) You stay and don't run, because you've either been told tat this person is the best there is (and you wouldn't want to fiind out what the worst is like!) or it's taken you so much time and effort to find this particular expert, that you don't wantto waste even more time just to salve your own ego. So you put your own feelings aside (because as Warrior Parents, we're bigger than that) and work through the process of getting them to REALLY listen to us.
When you have someone you have finally succeeded in convincing, then you have a good advocate. The process of convincing them often includes a lot of disbelief, a lot of insults, a lot of frustration. You show willing even when you know their ideas will fail, because sometimes it's the only way. The end result, after you go through this process, is not just to the benefit of your child, it can also benefit those who come after you, with similar problems. Eventually parents will be listened to first.
We fought similar battles along the way, at a time when we really couldn't tell husband's parents much about it because we had to deal with psychologists and psychiatrists, and their generation never took to such professions. So our biggest support base was not only not there, but we had to struggle to keep secrets. A big strain. husband's father never knew that there was anything wrong with his youngest grandson. I feel bad because towards the end, he kept asking to see me, or to see difficult child 3, and I couldn't risk it because difficult child 3's behaviour in the hospital environment was very disruptive, very noisy, very inappropriate. He would run away and not come when called, he was not responding to his name, he didn't seem to know anybody other than easy child but wouldn't even come when she called. father in law would have noticed, plus difficult child 3's behaviour always upset the nursing staff who kept asking us to take him out of the ward. SO when I was in the area, I generally was outside the ward whil husband visited his father with our other children. The only way I could visit, was if husband took over the child-minding, but I was only daughter in law, not daughter. It was more important for father in law to have his son there, not me.
We make these decisions as parents, because we ARE parents and we love our kids. It's what we do. Getting the blame - it's part of parenting. It hurts, especially if it comes from people we trust and respect. But it's easier for people to blame an adult, who can change, rather than a vulnerable child, who cannot.
Doctors blame patients. It's a common thing. It's not just as parents we get blamed.
Example: I'm currently seeing yet another liver specialist because blood tests showed my liver is in bad shape. The blood tests were done during a hospital visit (ER) when I had a neurological incident (I get them now and again). The liver enzymes were the worst tey have ever been. And of course, the first reaction of hospital doctors is always to insist that I am either an alcoholic or a drug taker. Usually it's the alcohol they blame. But I don't drink - I never drank to excess and I stopped all alcohol when my liver enzymes first were shown to be abnormal. Back then it was pain medications I'd been put on that caused the trouble.
But weight gain is another facet of my health problems. SO we get chicken or the egg situation - I beleive the weight gain has been caused by a poorly functioning liver, added to past attempts to lose weight leading to a slower metabolism.
Liver specialists don't agree - "Lose weight!" they said. The last one to say this was quite insistent that is was possible, all I had to do was cut back on calories sufficiently, and the weight would come off. He listened to me enough to put me on diet pills to help, for which I'm grateful. And I cut back on calories to a ridiculous level (I knew I would have to) and the weight has come off, slowly. I'm happy that I now look good, but my liver? It's as bad as ever.
I see my liver specialist next week. I have to get more blood tests done this week and judging by how I feel, I suspect my liver is still not good. The doctor blames me for this, but I have not gained back any weight at all so he can't say it's my diet that is responsible. Not any more.
So after a year of being willing to cooperate even if I disagree, and after proving to him that I DO have willpower (or how else could I have done this?) I am at last going to be able to say, "OK, I have made my point, I believe. NOW will you consider another possible cause?"
ANother quick point (it's sort of related) - when you get blamed for one thing, they're likely to blame you for more. When you stand up to them and show that
1) you're willing to try their ideas even if you disagree; and
2) You're willing to keep looking for answers and things that will work
you undermine and eliminate their arguments.
But until then, not only will your parenting be blamed for your child's problems, but any health problems the child has will also be laid at your door, the problems of the neighbours will be your fault and eventually you will even be blamed for global warming.
We did discuss some good comebacks a couple of months ago, when people suggest "give me your child for a week". The best responses seemed to be, "what time should I drop him off? I can have him ready in fifteen minutes," to "after three days you will be erecting a monument in my honour."
Have faith in yourself as a parent. That's one thing the book gave to me. When we began to really use "Explosive Child" methods, we found even more rsitance from family and friends, but I shrugged it all off and let them watch. It didn't take long, for most of them. The really fun stuff began when they continued trying to handle him their way, while my way worked, because what happens with "Explosive Child" is that the adults NOT on the same page are the ones who will suddenly find themselves the focus of all remaining opposition. Then you walk in and can calm things down in a flash, by comparison.
It's a matter of remembering the principles and keeping your ultimate goals in focus - you want this child to function, you want this child to eventually be independent, productive, functioning, happy. Punishment will only work if it teaches something positive, and so often it doens't do that with a difficult child. Too often the difficult child sees punishment as revenge (often, it is!) and the lesson is lost. Life is full of natural consequences. And the natural consequence of telling me it's my fault, is you get to show me how your methods work so much better - and ten you get egg on your face.
I love it. After that, I don't need an apology.
Marg