he is also super affectionate (to the point where it is also annoying)
easy child 2/difficult child 2 was like tis especially. I could be doing anything at all, sometimes just reading a book but alternatively I could be doing something like the washing up, chopping onions, hanging out washing - anything where being interrupted was inconvenient or even hazardous, and she would come up to give me a cuddle. If I turned her away (for example, for fear of cutting my fingers while wielding a chopping blade) she would be hurt and offended. She was measured as a genius-level IQ but could not understand "appropriate" until she was almost an adult. Only now as an adult, SHE makes a lot of the rules with her friends. She tends to attract lesbian friends (briefly) because she sends out such mixed signals of being willing for physical contact. Thankfully she is not promiscuous, although we knew she would have "round heels" as her father describes it. We got her on the Pill as soon as she got her first boyfriend. Her current BFF is also very tactile and cuddlesome, perhaps that is why they get on. Neither is self-conscious about public physical contact between them and thankfully their menfolk understand. We've been visiting easy child 2/difficult child 2's place and seen their friends arrive (BFF & fiance) and BFF, not feeling well, crawled into easy child 2/difficult child 2's lap and stayed there, being held. I wouldn't do it, it's not what I would call appropriate, but it was in easy child 2/difficult child 2's territory so her rules stand. And it made BFF (a lovely girl) feel better.
As for him seeming to always try to make you angry - he may have learned, to his detriment, that ANY emotional response is one of love. That would not be the autism (if it is autism) per se, but the overlay of the origins (adoption from overseas) with possible earlier experiences bringing other issues into the mix.
Such responses would need to be unlearned, then re-learned properly. He needs to learn that love doesn't have to be loudly, noisily, negatively expressed. Whatever the underlying problem (if any - I'm encouraging an open mind here), there is likely to be all sorts of problems from such a disadvantaged early start.
My sister adopted two children, mixed in with three of her own. Both her adopted children had what can only be called "a rough start". They were either neglected, abused or both. We don't know the details, only what we were able to work out from the condition of the kids when they each arrived, and their behaviour. The boy had been left to sit and had not been stimulated. His biomum had been reported to be "retarded" and later on the boy himself turned out to be profoundly dyslexic. He also had the poor muscle tone often associated with related neurological problems. He ended up a junkie, criminal and worse although now is trying to go straight. He's in his 40s and life is not easy. He was very adept at pushing buttons, from a very young age. He's also not in any way "retarded" and I suspect neither was his mother. But if she was similarly dyslexic, she would have scored very low on a written IQ test.
The girl - no such problems with the law. But she would refuse all physical contact to begin with, as if it hurt. She could not be held to take a bottle, she wouldn't take a bottle if it was warm. The only way she would take a bottle was cold, in the cot. We have a photo of her at 10 months, she had lost the malnutrition pot belly but sat away from my sister, sitting beautifully upright like a dancer, the matinee jacket falling in fashionable folds like a supermodel. Babies aren't supposed to be that shape. But it was the legacy of early and frequent malnutrition.
Years later this girl, now an experienced mother and qualified childcare worker, had a little girl who rapidly showed feeding problems. she nearly lost her to welfare authorities in the hospital because the baby appeared to have malnutrition. Only my sister's involvement and report of her adoptive daughter's appearance (and baby photos) on arrival, saved the day. They did more tests (ones which are available these days; not available thirty years earlier) and found that the baby had a digestive problem. A change to a different baby formula (and cessation of breastfeeding) eased the problem. But it was a near thing.
My adoptive niece was a handful when growing up. She also pushed buttons. she HAD to have ALL the attention. Her younger sister took a lot of being pushed aside. Her older sister would steal her clothes, especially any where other people said the younger girl looked good in them. Sometimes she would wreck the clothes. Or she would hear her younger sister praised for her playing of a new piano piece, so the older girl stole the piano music and kept it hidden until she too had mastered the same piano piece.
I really wish my sister had got the girl into counselling, but back then we were told that it was all nurture, and what babies endured in their first year meant nothing, babies didn't remember and therefore it didn't have an impact.
The boy could have turned out OK but there were other forces there which made life at home just too difficult for him despite my sister's best efforts. These days it could be a different story.
My niece has turned out well. She is now close to her sister and her mother (has always been close to her mother) and perhaps because she is so bright, she has gone a long way to resolving her own demons and is a marvellous mother to her own kids. It's now looking like her youngest, another girl, has Asperger's. She's been alert to the problems and sought help early. I'm very impressed with her.
Each of us is a complex mix of what is inside our head from the start (the wiring) and our environment. Given your difficult child's difficult beginning, you could have a complex mix of problems which could require a complex solution.
Some of difficult child 3's (less complex, because he wasn't adopted at all, let alone under difficult circumstances) management is aimed at using the environment to work on what is both innate and environmental. He is getting ongoing therapy (CBT - I highly recommend it) to work on problems we have. These problems could be the problems of a typical teen, the therapy would be the same. The thing is - we do what works.
Trying to find a diagnosis is useful but it can be foggy if circumstances are complex. But it doesn't mean you have to wait for a label before getting help, or trying to do something yourself while you wait for expert involvement.
Also, when you eventually get a label, keep an open mind and be prepared to question it if your instinct tells you it's not quite right or there's something that doesn't fit.
You are the expert in your own child's case.
Marg