Blindsided
Face the Sun
This is my first post, so bear with me. I hope it’s not too confusing.
My daughter’s, alias-May, dad died suddenly at age 55. Now her dad’s brother’s wife is reaching out to me on FB, alias-Sal. Sal says her boy (May’s cousin) visited May in her current home state, where May can get Medicaid and food stamps. He reported that May has signs of liver failure, bloated stomach, bruises everywhere. I knew this. My daughter had used her lab work to get more money from me, supposedly for gas to get to the doctor. I sent her link to medical transportation for Medicaid patients and asked her to please let me know how the doctor appointment went. That unleashed the usual wrath. That was in April. I have begged May to stop drinking, but she won't. My sister got her into alcohol detox for 5 days a couple of years ago. May says she will never go back to that kind of place, so quit asking her to. I never did hear what the doctor had to say.
Sal's idea of intervention is to notify the police to catch her driving drunk. Then they will see how bad May is and get her the help she needs. I can tell anyone who considers this option, the police will show up, but they will tell you, unless your adult child threatens themselves or others, they cannot force them to go. There is no rehab in jail. I tried to explain to Sal we have tried everything possible and unless my daughter asks for help, there is nothing we can do. So Sal said unless we are willing to drive the 1300 miles, one way, to get May’s 2 little dogs, we should get ready to watch May die. We already make that trip twice a year; we don’t have a vehicle that will accommodate 2 dogs in a cage. The dogs are not trained, because my daughter lays in bed drunk all day (witnessed). It takes us 4 days as it is. Not to mention my husband has said absolutely NO WAY, drop it! Then my brain goes to the bad place.
I am once again in quick sand without a rope. I have regular visuals of the behaviors reported to me by those who have thought they were doing the right thing. I don’t need reminders.
I just got my daughter to respect my boundaries and not text me unless she has something kind to say. That was just before Mother's Day and she did text me to say "I hope you have a good Mother's Day". That is progress. I answered, Thank you that means a lot to me. I reached out last Tues. and said we were thinking of her with love just to let her know we are still here. No response.
May has used the dogs for years as an obstacle to getting help and says they are her only reason for living. I feel like May is now using them to manipulate Sal, because of something Sal said about May's death will be slow, agonizing and cost a lot of money! Who knows what May has said. My friends say, what do Sal and your son think will happen to the dogs when May is dead? Have they thought about that?
I have explored every avenue. Including taking the dogs regardless of what my husband says, at least while we are in the state where we have found a place with a good program, should May reach out. But, how can I make arrangements when we are not there if others are not willing to fill in? Now, my son nor his wife (who doesn’t work) will respond to my texts or email about participating in a plan. He did, however, let his aunt Sal know how hurtful her words were to me and that she has no idea the road I have been on. Then I feel bad about being angry with my son about the dogs and shunning my attempts to communicate.
I have been in therapy, several times. Every time someone new wants to help, they really mean “I am going to tell you what you need to do.”
Don’t get me wrong, I know Sal wants to help because May has now reached out to her. But, I feel like I can't go down this road anymore or I will implode. My husband has heart problems and is on several medications. I have chronic health issues and we do the best we can with what we have been dealt.
I need help from the only people who really understand. How do you react to people who blame you for not doing enough? How do you get them to understand that detaching is a last resort to save yourself?
My daughter’s, alias-May, dad died suddenly at age 55. Now her dad’s brother’s wife is reaching out to me on FB, alias-Sal. Sal says her boy (May’s cousin) visited May in her current home state, where May can get Medicaid and food stamps. He reported that May has signs of liver failure, bloated stomach, bruises everywhere. I knew this. My daughter had used her lab work to get more money from me, supposedly for gas to get to the doctor. I sent her link to medical transportation for Medicaid patients and asked her to please let me know how the doctor appointment went. That unleashed the usual wrath. That was in April. I have begged May to stop drinking, but she won't. My sister got her into alcohol detox for 5 days a couple of years ago. May says she will never go back to that kind of place, so quit asking her to. I never did hear what the doctor had to say.
Sal's idea of intervention is to notify the police to catch her driving drunk. Then they will see how bad May is and get her the help she needs. I can tell anyone who considers this option, the police will show up, but they will tell you, unless your adult child threatens themselves or others, they cannot force them to go. There is no rehab in jail. I tried to explain to Sal we have tried everything possible and unless my daughter asks for help, there is nothing we can do. So Sal said unless we are willing to drive the 1300 miles, one way, to get May’s 2 little dogs, we should get ready to watch May die. We already make that trip twice a year; we don’t have a vehicle that will accommodate 2 dogs in a cage. The dogs are not trained, because my daughter lays in bed drunk all day (witnessed). It takes us 4 days as it is. Not to mention my husband has said absolutely NO WAY, drop it! Then my brain goes to the bad place.
I am once again in quick sand without a rope. I have regular visuals of the behaviors reported to me by those who have thought they were doing the right thing. I don’t need reminders.
I just got my daughter to respect my boundaries and not text me unless she has something kind to say. That was just before Mother's Day and she did text me to say "I hope you have a good Mother's Day". That is progress. I answered, Thank you that means a lot to me. I reached out last Tues. and said we were thinking of her with love just to let her know we are still here. No response.
May has used the dogs for years as an obstacle to getting help and says they are her only reason for living. I feel like May is now using them to manipulate Sal, because of something Sal said about May's death will be slow, agonizing and cost a lot of money! Who knows what May has said. My friends say, what do Sal and your son think will happen to the dogs when May is dead? Have they thought about that?
I have explored every avenue. Including taking the dogs regardless of what my husband says, at least while we are in the state where we have found a place with a good program, should May reach out. But, how can I make arrangements when we are not there if others are not willing to fill in? Now, my son nor his wife (who doesn’t work) will respond to my texts or email about participating in a plan. He did, however, let his aunt Sal know how hurtful her words were to me and that she has no idea the road I have been on. Then I feel bad about being angry with my son about the dogs and shunning my attempts to communicate.
I have been in therapy, several times. Every time someone new wants to help, they really mean “I am going to tell you what you need to do.”
Don’t get me wrong, I know Sal wants to help because May has now reached out to her. But, I feel like I can't go down this road anymore or I will implode. My husband has heart problems and is on several medications. I have chronic health issues and we do the best we can with what we have been dealt.
I need help from the only people who really understand. How do you react to people who blame you for not doing enough? How do you get them to understand that detaching is a last resort to save yourself?
