When you just cant have a relationship with somebody

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by SomewhereOutThere, May 7, 2017.

  1. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    In the family.

    With out details, i tried and cant. The person just doesnt like how I am and constantly picks on how I talk or what I say and...lots of plain meanness. I used to think I was the problem....

    I have come to like myself...lol. if somebody doesnt, thats fine and valid. Nobody likes everybody and I always have been at odds with my very small family so I thought it was me, although I never had this problem with anyone else. Now I know. Its not me. Perhaps it is just that we are toxic to one another. So it is us together. Like Superman and Kryptonite, we dont work.

    This is the first time I have been thoughtful about it rather than sad.

    I am going to stop trying. Its too hard. I hope this person gets the hint and stops contacting me. If not, I am not going to read the correspondence.

    I am not used to drama. There is little in my family of choice. I love my boring life :)

    These things used to make me feel like a bad person. I know Im a good person now. I am grateful to have come so far. I just think sometimes you cant beat a dead horse. I am not perfect and never will br. Oh well.

    Anyone else have this issue with somebody they "should" be close to (in societys eyes?)
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2017
  2. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    I am one of three sisters. Both of my sisters are extroverts whereas I am an introvert. they like dinner parties, are constantly on the move, and need people around 24/7. I have a very stressful job in HR and am in conflict situations at work. So when I come home I just enjoy the company of my spouse, and that's it. My sisters tell me, you need more friends. You need to socialize more. Whats wrong with you? After all of the drama with my son, I just need calm, peace and quiet. I have several good friends but they live out of town. We get together several times a year and have a great deal of fun. Bottom line...I am comfortable in my own skin and actually enjoy my own company. Go figure!!!!
     
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  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So am I :)

    But in my situation the person takes everything I say and attaches his/her own intention to it and tells me even what I can/should put on the persons FB page and even called me to ream me about a private joke I posted on the persons timeline. I was truly surprised I had done anything "wrong." Nobody else would have known what it meant. It wasnt a porn video...lol. This happens all the time. Everything is pointed out to me as saying something wrong...be it a text, a conversation, anything. And sometimes words are mafe up, but usually just picked on carefully. It is tiring.

    I feel that this person doesnt know me at all and never will or can understand me. It is honestly hard to not feel stressed each time we interact. So I am doing what is best for me for once. I have never done this before to anyone.

    Blocked from my phone and all family members phones as well (the ones on our plan) because this person uses another family member to get point across and they dont like it at all. Blocked from FB, which I barely use anyway. Blocked from email.

    I feel relief that I no longer have to feel squeamish about the next contact. I dont fight with people anymore at all, except with this person so I feel it is best for both of us. This has been going on forever. I just want my peaceful life and loving family of choice. Selfish? Yes!! Tired of putting everyone elses needs first.
    Thank you, wiserone.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2017
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    SWOT

    You don't have to live your life for anyone else's approval. I have also come to that conclusion in my 50's.

    Keep negative people out of your life. Those that cause drama and those that make you question yourself.

    That's what I do because I just don't have the energy to deal with those types of people!
     
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  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    RN, I kind of reached that conclusion in my 50s too, but it has been solidified now...I dont have any real drama in my life most of tje time. O have tried over and over with this person and the person kept dumping me. And I took the blame.

    I have gained so much clarity and this time paid careful attention and this otjer person seems to just be both overly sensitive and crirical to me. Eveeything I say needs to be brought up and examined.

    My father got very sick and was put in a rehab. I struggled with whether to visit or not but his nurse said he was not in iminant danger and I wanted to go in when I could afford it better and when it did not interfer with work. I dont get paid days off and i also need to organize rides for myself and daughter was not available as there was a death on her partners side and that took up a few weekends. I am four hours away. This person said "You decided to have nothing to do with your dad."

    I did????

    I never said that. I am not POA and I live far. I did what I could, called each day and talked to nurse and plan to go in soon. That was just said for meanness. This person lives near where he is staying so she visits and does what I would do if he was 10 minutes from me. I would help make decisions if I had the power or was asked for my opinion. I am unsure what else I can do.

    That deliberately mean statement was for me because I did not go right in after I was told this was not fatal. I love my dad. I am coming in...I can better afford it now and I took days off work. If the rehab calls and says there is an emergency, we will drop all and drive right in.

    Anyway, once Dad is gone, we will probably have no reason to ever speak again.

    And for the first time, it is a relief. This is much like how my Mom spoke to me and we never could form a relationship either. They are much alike, to my shock.

    I love this person but cant play silly games at my age. Thanks for checking in :)
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2017
  6. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    it sounds like this person has been toxic to you. sometimes that happens over time and that means the need to separate. We all grow, and grow in different ways. I don't think you are being selfish at all. You are a kind and giving person and you have every right to have a calm and wonderful life. Good for you for taking action to get there! hugs!
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you. If I felt there was any way to fix this I would. I do not hold grudges. But i see this relationship as not good for either of us and I see myself not always being my best while dealing with this person. I have no desire to go backwards in my life path.
     
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I have a relative like this. We are just so different. Sobriety on the other person's part has added more tolerance. Probably more tolerance on both parts as I really do NOT like inebriated people being around my children. I just don't trust them even if everyone else tries to assure me they won't harm anyone. They are just too unpredictable, esp that particular drunk person. Mostly I am just the complete opposite of this person and once our immediate relatives are no longer alive, I doubt we will have much to do with each other. I don't hate this person, I just don't have anything to say to him. No friends in common, no likes in common, not even favorite foods in common. All it takes to start an argument is for me to say I like something and this person instantly will say ten things wrong with it and how it is destroying the universe.

    I wish that were an overstatement. It is not. It has been that way since I was a child. I mostly say the most boring and bland of things. I have stopped having panic attacks before seeing this person, which I did for a couple of years. Mostly because I decided that it was just way too over the top to give that much power away. Now I even hug the person. I don't go into specifics of anything though. Not ever. Boy do I get yelled at for that. I just smile and say something nonspecific.

    It drives this person up the ever loving wall.

    I must confess that I do the smile and non specifics simply because it drives this person up the wall.

    My father sees this and smiles at me every single time. He knows. He taught me to be this type of person.

    I think he now regrets it.
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I feel ya, Susie!

    My family of origin consists of four people only so there are no big family get togethers. We dont get together for holidays etc. My Mother never liked me and baited me, even as a wee one, and in many ways I hear her in this person when this person is upset with me, which seems to be always. Been this way all my life. I cant do anything right. Its crap really.

    We dont have much in common either. Maybe if we had a passion in common or even partners who would get along....but we dont.

    My dad is no prince (the only totally nice, kind person in my family to all people, is the one I did not speak about here) I love them both though and nobody is going to infer to me that I chose not to help out with my father. If he lived here, I would be there. If I had POA Id do my job (I admit I am glad I dont). The POA is far more capable of the job thsn me. But without being POA and living this far away and depending on others to drive me once I visit, I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I will visit soon. All I can do is visit and call.

    Anyway, Susie, thank you for sharing. I appreciate it a lot :)