Where do I begin

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by saving grace, Apr 6, 2011.

  1. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    I was poking around and I saw that KFLD was back and my heart sank, our boys started together and got clean together, that was hmmm 4 years ago? I dont know quite how to explain whats going on with D, he is smoking pot, taking more suboxone than he is prescribed, he is angry and portrays himself as the victim of life. He has severe anxiety, depression. he will NOT do anything by the way of therapy or group or meetings. He obsesses about stupid things. I cant stand to be around him, he is exhausting. I kicked him out when I found out he was buying suboxone on the street to double his dose, he went to girlfriend's for 2 weeks, I have to say it was the most peaceful 2 weeks in a long time. I saw him Saturday and Sunday to go look at apartments with him and found myself tense and depressed. Monday he had an appointment with a Hepatologist, ( oh yeah a nice souvenier from his shooting up days) he is hep C positive. well after we got back I was on the couch for the day! I could move. he paralyzes me!
    I let him come home for the next few weeks to pack etc.. and he is just miserable I cant take it. he came home from work today and has been asleep every since? I went in to tell him that he should get up and eat something and that if he stays asleep he will be up all night and he has to get up at 5 for work. I said his name and he screamed at me.
    has anyone heard of the term "dry drunk" google it, thats him. He needs a new doctor, he needs someone to get him on the right medication. I am deflated, I have nothing left, like KFLD said " i cant believe I am doing this again"


  2. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Dry drunk is not good. And sounds as if he's using the pot/suboxone to get that "drunk" feeling. Also not good.

    A tidbit of info........hepatitis can make you weak and tired, very tired and run down. So that may be contributing to all the sleeping.

    I'd say if he's making you that miserable it's time to put your foot down, firmly set your boundaries in place, and reclaim your life.

    I'm so sorry he's sliding backward too. It's so hard to see them do that when they've done good for a period of time.

  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm truly sorry. My difficult child is now living in a sober house. I kicked her out two months ago and just like you the house was so peaceful. Of course I worried myself sick for the first month and then slowly got use to the quiet. he finally hit rock bottom and went to the sober house, but I'm sure it's not over yet. This drug addiction is horrible. There seems to be very little help out there and I have found most doctors do not know how to treat it.

    Stay strong and don't let him overstay his welcome.

  4. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Hi Grace,

    Sending Hugs first for you; and for your son. I do know exactly what you are going through. It is hard to move. You don't feel like you are living, just existing. Motions, motions and boom. Moments in between sleep? I had that with my x. It's really maddening. He's still at it. I actually think he prays for jail time so he can dry out. I know that the people have been IN jail with him when he is drying out? Pray. My son has talked to a few of them and they've said it's like nothing you've ever been around - I have. I can think of about a thousand other horrible things I'd rather do than be within 10 miles of someone like that. They are dangerous, unpredictable, violent. Be careful - make sure you always have your cell phone with you and charged. Have a spare set of keys somewhere accessible and keep your car locked, bank card and money where he can't possibly get to it. Put up valuables, and also any money and anything dangerous. Precautions now could help you later. Him too.

    Hate to say it, but rather tell you now that worry about it later.

    Do you have anyone there to talk to? I mean other than us? Do you have a pet - maybe a dog that you can take for a walk out in the sunshine to get some great air and time out of the house, some exercise and some companionship? Sounds a little nutty - but my dog was and is probably the best stress reliever in the whole world. I talk to him just like I do anyone. I wouldn't admit it to many - but I swear he understands better than anyone. I think his fur is the best kleenex in the world. And crying is really a great release of endorphines. I thought it was bad to cry - turns out it's really a great release to get it all out of your system. Now if you're crying all the time, all the time, all the time? I'd probably tell you to get to the doctor, get a medications tweak and, of course - I always think it is a good idea to see a therapist because they have training that gives you hope, goals and helps you work on things you know about yourself...that I'll never know. Also helps you sort it all out logically.

    As far as your son? Well hon- he sure has gotten himself into some muck huh? I have lost so much to drugs - a marriage, a son - it just makes me furious somedays beyond words, and I'm not sure what the answer is. Pray...a lot. Take care of yourself. Get angry when you need to, and find out how to channel it for yourself. Find a way to forgive your son, and love what you love in him, and about him. I think that's the best I can tell you from a Moms point of view. I do know - he has to see you strong - there has to be someone there stronger to show him drugs can't beat everyone, and win everything in his family over. That much I can tell you - that's why I say take care of you - whatever it takes.

    Hugs and Love -
    (don't ever let it defeat you..we'll always be here to prop you up)
  5. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Well hello Grace. Can't say I'm happy to see either one of us back here but I realized a few weeks back that it's all part of the addiction/recovery process. I got myself back into alanon and I've learned not to let myself ever think that this is all behind me and in the past, but instead to concentrate on me and how not to let his relapses ruin my life. I guess I just got to comfortable over the past few years and truly believed I would never be living it again, but here I am and here you are!! I've learned over the past month or so to be thankful for the few years I had of peace and now how to move forward and keep peace in my life no matter what my son is doing.

    I feel bad for you that he is under your roof again, so this is really in your face. I allowed my son to stay at my house for 2 nights when he first admitted he had relapsed, but only because he came to me, admitted he needed help and wanted to get back into rehab immediatley. I would not have let him in the door otherwise, I would have let him sleep in his car. Just those 2 days having him under my roof again, locking things up, never leave him alone for 2 seconds, reminded me why he can never live with me again. My insurance wouldn't cover him to go inpatient, so he is back in an outpatient program, back on the suboxone, working full time and living in a hotel with his girlfriend. I'm thankful that he seemed to figure out pretty quick that he didn't want to continue to go back to that way of living and got himself back on track pretty quickly.

    Did your son find an apartment and will he be leaving your house soon?? I hope for your sake he is. There is no reason for you to live like that!!

    I know it takes a little while to get back into it, but start remembering all those things you learned years back and start practicing them again. I have and I'm thankful for today that he is doing well again, but if he screws up tomorrow, I think I'll be o.k. :)
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    this will not stop until you say "ENOUGH". try to watch some of those Intervention shows on TV to show you how to do this. The last one I watched, a family told a mom that if she did not stop helping her drug addicted daughter, they would not only cut out the daughter but would cut out Mom as well because this is too hard to watch. Nothing helped my son stop his path but I sure felt better when I stopped being dragged along his trail. I will never let him live with me again and he knows it. yep he was homeless more than a time or two and also incarcerated. His choices led to that, try to remember that he will only get better when you are not his safety net. IF he doesnt get better, at least you will not be a victim in your own home.

    you have to be firm. no sense in him living there for weeks to pack etc. this weekend, get him on his way. he is disrespectful to you, and not making any effort to help himself. You will die long before he does from the stress. Hugs.

    I still remember the two books that helped me to stop obsessing over my son and stop letting him in and out like a revolving door:
    Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud
    Codependent No More by melody Beattie
  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am sorry that things are so hard. Your son is an adult, it may be time for him to go live whatever lifestyle he wants to work for. You need to figure out how to make your own life your priority. It isn't easy after so many years of being a Warrior Mom to a difficult child. If you don't currently go to Alanon or Narcanon meetings, this is a good time to start going.
  8. saving grace

    saving grace New Member

    Ahhh Old friends... Kfld, Antsmom, missed you both. I love the advice from each and everyone of you. he has found an apartment. he moves in may 1. I will be ok with him until then, he is still working full time, Like I said, its hard to explain I truely believe its allt he prescribed medications he is on mixed with the pot smoking that has changed him. when he was first in recovery he was the son I knew that was for about 2.5 years the last year and a half it has slowly gone down hill. I will NOT live that life again, I have learned so much over the years and I know I will be ok. it is heartbreaking to see and I do fear for him but if it happens it happens and he only has himself to blame. he plays the victim of life very good, why me he says, why am I like this why cant I feel good why am I so miserable all the time??? SO I tell him. Son, if you keep doing what your doing you're going to get what you get!! You must do something different if you would like a diffrerent result. I will be back here, I need my friends.
    Janet, I need to catch up with you, I found posts as to how Karen found her way back, I would like to know how you are and How Anthony & Kaleb are? my goodness he must be ummm what 6 or 7 now??
  9. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I'm glad to hear that you are remembering everything you learned over the last few years. It stinks that we have to re-learn these tools and begin to use them again, but at least we have them :) Makes it just a little bit easier.
    I'm glad he will be moving out in a few weeks. Just live your life the best you can between now and then and don't allow his choices to run your days.