Who do we trust?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by leaving, Nov 24, 2017.

  1. leaving

    leaving New Member

    It's taken me a couple days to really wrap my head around all that is going on with my son - what we uncovered, the therapy visits, etc. I think it's finally sinking in to both me and husband. The therapist wants to know what is *really* going on because our son holds so much anger and when she asked him about liking girls he clammed up. I told her I didn't want to disclose just yet and she really pushed me. So I tried reading about the laws and whether she could turn him in if we told her. She is just an MSW and "Licensed Psychotherapist"

    We are in a place where if we directly confront our son we might risk him becoming suicidal because of the shame. If we tell his therapist, we may risk her calling DCF because we have younger kids in the house (the youngest is 8). We don't know what to do and I am just a wreck.

    Any guidance on how to move forward. The therapist wants to meet with just me and husband on Tuesday.

    Thanks in advance.
    Leaving (the world I used to know)
     
  2. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    What if she did report...and maybe he would be moved to a place to get help? I understand your concerns...do you have any friends who could tell you hypothetically what would happen in your state?

    My D c had a teenage friend you acted out inappropriately with a younger sister. He was put in a special residential home until after he was 18. He did get to gave weekend at home...but he stayed with his grandma and not his parents. He did have time with parents and siblings, but parents were home and he did not spend the nights.

    This is all things I know little about...thankfully!

    Ksm
     
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Anyone who knows in the mental health field would be a mandated reporter. I think I wrote about the boy who admitted at age twelve that he was attracted to young girls. He had an eight year old sister. I do not know if was the reason, but he was put into residetial 24/7 therapy and did have visits home. It was do e to protect their daughter, I assume, not to punish the boy. He had not acted on it, as far as I know.
    Think of it that way...nothing is a punishment. It is to protect your daughter, if in fact it goes this way. She is the one who needs protection while your son gets help. Our son got help in residential and I hope it worked. He was charged in court because he had already acted out on kids six years younger than him.

    Another possibility is that CPS, who probably will be involved, may be fine with him staying home if you are willing to put a night alarm on his bedroom door, lock the other kids in their rooms at night and agree to make sure Son is not ever alone with your other kids, especially Daughter. Daughter is seen as a potential victim who needs max protection.
    It is not a bad idea, if you have the funds, to contact a lawyer and tell and show him all so that he can tell you what he thinks will happen and the best way for Son to get help. I do not believe a lawyer is a mandated reporter, but I dont know for sure.
    Do get assistance. This can tear a family apart. Please protect your family unit. Dot let this happen.

    Love and hugs.
     
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  4. leaving

    leaving New Member

    So any counselor we go to and tell will be mandated to call the department of child services? The only evidence we have are thoughts written in a diary.
     
  5. Thoughts aren't crimes. I think you absolutely need to tell the therapist because the therapist can't help him if you are withholding information.
     
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  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    The little boy who admitted he was attracted to young girls did not get into legal trouble for his thoughts. He never lived at home again though. I dont know if he was not allowed to go home or if the parents wouldnt take the chance.
    Cps was already involved with the family as he was a very difficult child and the family needed help.

    Having said that any therapist or teacher who knows may feel it has to be reported. He hasnt touched a child, but anything sexual and possibly hurtful to a young child is a red flag...there is no way to get him help and be sure cps wont get involved. They may or may not. But he must get help or he could act on it...then he will truly be in serious legal trouble. Im not trying to scare you but your son has serious sexual issues and needs a lot of help. If cps gets involved it is better than him perhaps comitting a sex crime at eighteen. His thinking is not normal and he knows it and probably WANTS help. Your daughter must stay safe too. Please do the right thing for your family. Get help for him and deal with whatever comes with it.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
  7. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    So what happened with the little boy who was sent away from home in the end.
    Did he grew up in an functional member of society?
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Lost touch with the family when he was 17. But his sister was safe whether he did or did not.
    The possible victims are seen as needing protection. Of course everyone also hopes the boys are adequately treated, but there are no guarantees that sexual urges are curable and the number one goal is always peotecting those who could become a victim.
    If this boy does anyhing to his sister, ALL the kids could be removed plus the boy. This is nothing to ignore, even if scared to confront it. I strongly recommend seeking help and being up front. If anything happens between this boy and his siblings and cps finds out the parents knew about his tendencies and did not take action, it will look very bad for them as well as the son. They could lose all the kids. It is not worth hiding this. The boy needs help. The other kids need to be protected. The family needs to do the right thing.
     
    Last edited: Nov 24, 2017
  9. leaving

    leaving New Member

    His diary specifically said his attraction was to young boys. I guess it doesn't matter in the eyes of CPS though. We did find a local intensive outpatient psychiatric care center. They can do a comprehensive review and then decide what will work best for him. We will decide when to take this step.
     
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    you are doing everything you can.

    i might take the step of the evaluation sooner rather than later.

    i agree with the advice to disclose not hold back. as hard as it is.

    is the intensive clinic specifically for children? that might be best.

    you are handling something impossibly hard, admirably.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    There is nothing easy about this. You are very brave.

    I would also hurry before more may happen. You need to appear cooperative.
     
  12. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    the issue to me as much as trust is responsibility.

    if any mandated reporter withholds info which under the law is considered mandatory to disclose, they act contrary to laws governing their professional conduct.

    there is discretion which can be subjective. but honestly. i cannot know what would be best for your son. he could well have been molested. the anger and shame might point to that.

    sometimes we might fear we have desires for something that feels taboo. which are not primary. but are the result of our trying to suppress feelings or fearful memories-and processing what happened to us. i know this has been true for me. your son's best interest might be for the place to disclose his urges or fantasies.

    even if cps were to be called there are likely to be highly compassionate and skilled people who specialize in dealing with children.

    are there therapists in your area who work with sexually abused children and families where abuse may have occured?

    al anon is a safe place where there might be support for you in a non-judgemental environment. i do not remember if you considered whether drugs might be an issue.

    while nobody here can diagnose your son
    he might be experiencing a major mental illness. and his fantasies and behaviors might be secondary to that.

    is there a children's hospital near you? they would have a child dev/psychiatry dept. with psychologist, psychiatrist and social worker on staff. they could deal with anything. it might be worth traveling to a children's hospital.

    i feel that your son's best interests could be served by you and/or your husband speaking to him first. if you feel he may be suicidal you might identify a course of action before you do so. i mght google--how to speak to your child about shame and sexual fantasies. or asking about sexual abuse. or something like that.

    i learn a lot on google. that is how i found this forum. i entered the specific questions or fears i had.

    i am sorry you have to be here with us but glad you are if it helps.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Al anon deals with substance abuse. It would not meet your needs and many people may be horrified and turn him in.Do not bring it up there!!!

    The bottom line is, our adopted son had a compassionate caseworker, but my son was still charged in court and put into residential. Regardless of why your son is like he is, being abused himself and talking about it may greatly help his understanding, but he will possibly still be seen as a threat to Daughter and even neighborhood kids. Just like no doubt most rspists were abused, that doesnt take the punishment out of the crime. Sexual stuff is probably taken more seriously than any other childhood issue. Hope for the best, but do be prepared.

    In the end, I repeat, if you know son's urges and do not act, cps could find you ufit to protect ALL of your kids and remoe them all and even lawyers have a hot bed of hell trying to reverse that decision by the courts, who normally follow the cps ruling. Is it fair? Not always. Life isnt fair. We know this.
    But withholding your son's info can only make things worse. You can get in legal trouble too if you withhold and your son touches, say, a neighbor boy or young school child. He is a minor and he will likely be taken to a facility for help, but you could lose all your kids and even face legal charges for not protecting them. And what if you find out he HAS acted on it? You dont know if he has. Cps is brutal on these things and, as a government agency, extremely powerful.

    Your son needs help and this is critical. His urges and masturbating into towels then washing himself with the towel IS NOT NORMAL. Nor is his liking of seeing baby boy parts. Or his ideas about poop.

    For the third time I urge you to do what you know hasto happen so that he and the rest of you can get help before something bigger happens. In fact, you dont know for sure that nothing has.

    A professional has to deal with this. Its above your ability.

    If you hide it further and worse happens, at least you were warned. I ferl that you now realize the need to help your son and to be honest.

    Tons of courage and luck.
     
    Last edited: Nov 25, 2017
  14. StillStanding

    StillStanding Active Member

    I knew a family that experienced a similar situation. It was uncovered in therapy that the daughter was acting out abuse that had happened to her as she thought it was "normal".

    Of course, I don't know if this is your son's situation. I do think you are in over your head and should trust the therapist.

    Good luck.
     
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  15. leaving

    leaving New Member

    SomewhereOutThere, post: 724138, member: 1550"]Al anon deals with substance abuse. It would not meet your needs and many people may be horrified and turn him in.Do not bring it up there!!!

    The bottom line is, our adopted son had a compassionate caseworker, but my son was still charged in court and put into residential. Regardless of why your son is like he is, being abused himself and talking about it may greatly help his understanding, but he will possibly still be seen as a threat to Daughter and even neighborhood kids. Just like no doubt most rspists were abused, that doesnt take the punishment out of the crime. Sexual stuff is probably taken more seriously than any other childhood issue. Hope for the best, but do

    [QUOTE="Your son needs help and this is critical. His urges and masturbating into towels then washing himself with the towel IS NOT NORMAL. Nor is his liking of seeing baby boy parts. Or his ideas about poop.

    For the third time I urge you to do what you know hasto happen so that he and the rest of you can get help before something bigger happens. In fact, you dont know for sure that nothing has.

    A professional has to deal with this. Its above your ability.

    If you hide it further and worse happens, at least you were warned. I ferl that you now realize the need to help your son and to be honest.[/QUOTE]

    While I appreciate your sense of urgency in your advice, we have a plan in place for this week that involves his counselor, an intensive inpatient/outpatient center, a parent meeting with the counselor and a family meeting with the counselor (our son, my husband and myself).

    I think it's easy, especially on this forum where a lot of bad things happen to really demonize the child in question, but behind each of these kids there are entire stories you do not see. You do not see the smiles, the laughter, the goodness and the love. And for the record we are not "hiding" we literally just found out about this when I made the post. It takes time to gather evidence and plan a course of action.

    I do thank you for looking out for us though. We have a handle on this. This week it all goes down. Keep our family in your thoughts and prayers.
     
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