Why is this happening?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by GuideMe, Aug 9, 2014.

  1. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I have been stuck inside all week because very low on money and I am just pondering a few things.

    When do you think this started happening with our kids? Do you think people in 1950 and all the way to the beginning of mankind, that parents had these problems like we do with our kids? I'm sure they had problems of course, but like this? Didn't children grow up and move out? Is it today's society and the way it is the reason why so many of us are having such misery with our kids? If so, what is it about today's society that is causing this to happen?
  2. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I heard on NPR, a station I trust, that only 20% of teens cause trouble for their parents. That means 80% don't and I believe it. Of course, those 20% are no picnic. However, I think most kids do move out now if they can. Some stay longer for economic reasons because of the bad economy, but most also help out, many pay rent and do their own laundry, cooking, etc. Most do not expect us to support them, even if they are home. They mostly also are nice to their family members. And eventually they get jobs, move out, and live their lives without getting into trouble and without depending on us.

    The automobile and kids driving to me seemed to start this trend. I grew up in the late 60's/early 70s and without parents handing out cars to kids we would not have been able to do any of the stuff we did. I was usually the driver and although I did not drink at all, do drugs or even have sex before marriage, my friends of choice were difficult children and I'd drive them to the places they wanted to go, albeit under a warning that if they were too far gone, they could walk home. Still, I think it makes me guilty that I drove them, knowing they were disobeying their parents and breaking the law.

    I don't know how any of them would have gotten to the wild parties and crazy boyfriends without my car. And now it seems almost all teens who are teens and middle class, even lower middle class, have access to some car. And if they are upper middle class, I'm amused and amazed at how many parents think they have to buy cars for their young teen kids. And they pay for their insurance and gas...even after they have proven they are not trustworthy. Again, though, the majority of teenagers are trustworthy.

    The internet is another issue that has brought teens and young adults from one end of the world to another so if somebody is prone to trouble it's easy to connect with difficult child strangers on the internet. I'm sure our grandchildren are going to have ways of communicating and traveling that we can't even imagine yet.

    I also think that the huge divorce rate and two parent working families contributes to making it easier for kids to get messed up and have time to do activities without any parental support. My son put his infant son in infant daycare. Almost made me laugh when I heard about it. But...Must.Have.Toys. He's only six and ok. Time will tell how the divorce, his mom's remarriage quickly afterward, his dad (36) and his move in/out girlfriend and all the chaos in his life plus his extreme comfort with all things techie will affect him.

    However, I'm a huge believer that, despite all this, when a person is an adult, they are making their own choices and whatever happened, they have a choice to overcome the "bad childhood" that all difficult children tend to claim or to get into trouble and blame this "bad childhood" they all claim. I did not have particular sympathy for 36 when he became an adult toddler. I know a lot of parents do cry over their difficult child adult kids and have a lot of pity for them and I respect that, but I was more disgusted by his behavior than sad for him. I felt badly for my daughter at times when she was using drugs, but other times I was also disgusted. I love them both with all my heart, but they knew what they were doing when they did it. 36 still knows. I blame nothing on his difficult child-ness except himself and probably his bad luck with genetics, which I also think plays a huge role. When our kids are difficult children...often it is because we married one and had a baby with one and, whether the parent was present or not, his genes live in our child forever.

    I think lots of bad stuff happened in the 1950's and before that was hidden because nobody talked about anything back then.

    Vent over :)
  3. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    I think you nailed a lot of that one the head MWM. Same thing I was thinking.

    By the way, if you don't mind me asking. I read some of your stories and just so I am clear and not confused when I'm reading, is 36 the one who sexually abused his younger siblings?
  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    No. That was a child we adopted. We have adopted three of our four kids. 36 is biological. Psychokid, as I call him, came at age 11 and molested my youngest two for three years. As soon as we found out (yes, I know. It makes me cry to this day that neither of us suspected and they didn't tell for a long time), that kid was gone forever. Maybe some people could have worked through it and still loved him, but it was not for us. He had to leave. That's something that is too horrible for my husband and I to forgive...and the other kids would not have understood if we had supported him in any way.

    At age thirteen, the county tried and convicted him of sexual abuse of a minor because he was six years older than the other kids. He had to register as a sex offender and was in a home for young sexual predators. He had no remorse and no understanding why he did it. I think, because of his young age, he doesn't have to sign as a sexual predator anymore, but I feel he is still probably doing it and I'm just glad he isn't here. It was not our idea to take him to court. We just wanted him out of the house.
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2014
  5. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Oh please, you don't have to explain. I would have done the same thing!! I just wanted to understand correctly, that's the only reason why I was asking. You did the ABSOLUTE RIGHT THING! Man, I can't even imagine that nightmare. What a good mother you are to protect your children, I really mean that. Do you know what has become of him? Has he ever try to contact you?
  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    He used to be on FB. At eighteen he was on his own and released. He has two babies that I know by checking the court records he does not see, thank God!!!! He does not work. He still lives in Wisconsin, but now is in Green Bay, which is several hours away.

    Obviously I do not know if he is reoffending, but he did try to in his lock up program so I am thinking he is, but sadly most sexual perps do not get caught and do not have consequences. He was not attached to us other than for what we bought him and has never tried to contact us, but we made it hard for him to do that. We have moved and changed our phone numbers.

    This child, at only age eleven or twelve, was also perping on disabled kids in his classroom (one who could not talk and had cerebral palsy) and he killed several animals and set little fires. We didn't know the true extent of it until after he left and my two youngest felt safe enough to tell their therapist. And he had power over them even after he left...he had told them if they talked he would burn our house down with us in it, and he was so cruel to them they believed him so it took a long time for them to start talking. So far, both of those two children of mine (adults now) are doing great, but they did get tons of help. The county stepped in and offered tons of free services, thankfully.
  7. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Jesus MWM. I am so sorry and so thankful you got him the heck out of your lives. It wasn't too late. Lot's of people keep the abuser around after they find out and you sent him packing and through the court system to protect the real innocent victims which were your other children. You are totally awesome.
  8. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I felt guilty for a long time, GuideMe. It wasa my idea to adopt an older male child of color because they have the hardest time getting homes. Now this has nothing to do with adoption or people of color. My oldest daughter is Korean and my two youngest are African-American so I'm just telling you why this eleven year old was adopted. We loved him as he acted like an angel around all adults and had never been caught doing anything wrong. His foster family of five years, before us, loved him but were too old to adopt (70s). They didn't realize he was perping on the kids that the wife took in for daycare, which he admitted in the prison/hospital. I don't think they ever did believe it. It was too horrific for them.

    Since it was my idea to adopt an older child, I took the blame and needed a lot of therapy for it. My two younger kids saw us kick him out, saw us make him tell them it was HIS fault and at least can't think we were oblivious to him or that we condoned it or didn't believe them like so many abused children have experienced. So far, like I said, they are both experiencing good mental health and we do talk about this from time to time. We just had the good fortune that the child got so scared was so scared for his own skin once he was caught that he admitted it and that social services was so sympathetic to the children that they got the best of care, from a special pediatrician who treats young sexually abused children to wonderful psychologists.

    But that was the lowest point of my entire life.
  9. GuideMe

    GuideMe Active Member

    Oh ok, I see. Again, so sorry you went through something so horrendous.

    So you have three adopted kids now? Do you have any biological children? Is 36 one of your adopted children? I tried to understand it through your signature, but I am really not getting it that way. Heck, can you do a "for dummies" version? lol.