Wondering...how many of us can relax &

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by timer lady, Jun 1, 2008.

  1. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts

    enjoy our difficult children when they are in a good "spot"?

    Susie reminded me in my thread on morning rituals, that I needed to see the improvement in kt. While she still has her issues, she certainly isn't reacting to them as she had in the past.

    I see her using the skills she's learned over the last 3 years especially on a daily basis. I see her stop & think; apologize almost immediately when she has stepped over the line in being verbally disrespectful. kt has learned to listen to her body & started asking for PRN medications before "I lose it, mom". She's using her self calming plan & has learned to walk away before saying something hurtful.

    I'm seeing more typical teen behaviors that are annoying than PTSD & Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) issues that are concerning & devastating to the family. I know I need to appreciate that more than I do.

    I struggle to get out of the "waiting for the shoe to drop" mode. I need to relax & enjoy my daughter.

    How about you?
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I agree it's hard to not be in that waiting for the other shoe to drop. husband is better at that than I am.

    I do try though to just enjoy him when he is in a relative good spot. He really can be a lot of fun to be around. He really is so full of joy when he is having a good moment or a good day.

    I do wish I could relax and just enjoy those moments more. I think I have the enjoy part down but not the relax right now.
  3. jannie

    jannie trying to survive....

    It is really hard to get past the point of fear and frustration !!

    One HUGE thing for me is that I am no longer afraid when the telephone rings...I never thought I'd get past this...However as soon as there is a problem I can quickly move back into the mode of panic. difficult child 1 is definately walking away more when he is frustrated. His behavior in school has been better than I ever expected. I didn't think he'd be able to maintain in a typical kindergarten class and this year in grade 2, he's barely had any problems.

    Linda-I was so happy reading your post as you were able to specifically state so many details of progress for KT. You must be so proud!!

    I do enjoy my boys, but they certainly make life a challenge...and I am jealous of so many of my friends/neighbors whose lives are much less impacted due to their children's more "typical" behaviors.

    Very interesting topic.
  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    I think for me it is hard to see when he is in a good spot sometimes, because my guard is always up. Recently I have been trying to let it down, for lack of a better term, and just enjoy him for him. That has been hard latley, as good spots have been few and far between. I hope to have some this summer so we can enjoy each other.

    I did look back through the behavior journal I keep on difficult child, and wow has he made improvements for the most part. I really needed to see that so it did help so much to have proof.
  5. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think, Linda, that often I have to catch myself, stop, and then remind myself how things of changed. It's difficult to come out of crisis mode and not look at every behavior through a magnifying glass!

  6. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Jannie - wish I could stop my heart from dropping everytime the phone rings - but I'm not quite there yet. There are days I really do enjoy her - mostly when she is with me and on that rare occasion she is in a good mood. The hard part is when difficult child leaves the house and is not in my view. Then I worry about the phone. It's not a matter of if, but when - the phone rings. It's either school or difficult child crying, upset, scared, etc.
    Linda - I do have to real myself back in at least once a day to try to enjoy difficult child - some days are definitely harder than others.
    As I write this I also realize I am counting down the days to summer camp as if it was my birthday!
    In the end I guess some days are better than others and I try to hold on to the good ones for dear life.
  7. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I have to literally say to myself "enjoy this." I know from mucho years of experience, that "stuff" is always around the corner. "Enjoy this" is my mantra. It doesn't particularly come naturally.
  8. Christy

    Christy New Member

    At home, I can relax with difficult child but anywhere else, I have to watch him like a hawk. You never know what he will do or what will cause him to explode.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am seeing so many ways in which Wizard has grown. It just plain floors me. I am finding it easier to enjoy him as time goes on. I think a big part of my pain and hurt with the problems he had were BECAUSE there are so many ways I enjoyed his mind and humor. Then the problems just seemed to take over for a while. So, it is nice to hear others enjoying their kids, even if only for a moment each day or 3.

    Linda, while I am glad I helped you see how she has grown, my post was mostly because I am just so impressed with all her growth. Your posts made such a big impact on me when I first found the site, and seeing how she is not just surviving, but showing signs she will triumph over her problems and early life are inspiring to me.

  10. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Yup. I struggle with that as well. husband is Mr. Good Time Charlie and Sir Happy Go Lucky most of the time with the kids, except in the evenings when it's time for HIS medications and THEIR medications have worn off ;) I keep telling him that if I felt like he thought about their issues more and worked with me to solve them, instead of me feeling like I'm the only one dealing with it day in and day out, then maybe I'd relax a little more.

    I wasn't always like this...
  11. Sheila

    Sheila Moderator

    I try to, but can never really relax until school is out for the summer.
  12. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For me it is a fine balancing act.

    If I let my guard down then the next downslide feels like the end of the world.
    If I keep my guard up I don't get to enjoy the good.

    It is an art to figure out where we need to be on a daily basis - because it can change so fast.

    I think this is the main reason so many of us have our own mental health issues. Dealing with this level of the roller coaster of life is too much change too often.
  13. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I was better at it with difficult child 1. I finally learned to "meet him where he's at", which meant if he's having a good day and I'm still mad about this morning, I'm the one ruining the good stuff. It was hard to let it go.

    I have a harder time with difficult child 2. I think its the age. When he's good he's still a 6 year old boy, and difficult child or not, those tend to wear one out.
  14. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I try but it is difficult at time to NOT wait for the other shoe to drop.

    When I recently took a couple of days off to help difficult child get ready to look for a job, we spent those days all day together, it was nice to see her making an effort, looking nice, smelling clean, dressed professionally and not smoking all day, with makeup on, hair fixed neatly, etc...well, it felt so great to see her like this. But I did notice that somewhere deep inside me, there was a hand up that didn't allow me to get 'overly' excited about it.

    Yesterday as I was driving difficult child down to visit her dad, she was talking the entire way, telling me about a website she chats on, people she's met, recent events with her friends - really opening up. And it was nice, but again, I felt my inner self remaining somewhat reserved.

    When there is something in difficult child's life to be excited about and happy, it's sort of a shock that I'm taken aback and need time to let it sink in before I react. But I can put on a pretty good act I think and I let her know that I'm happy and proud of her when it's fitting, even if I have my own reservations. I can't wait for the day when I don't worry about her.
  15. I am trying to enjoy difficult child while he is in a stable mood now. I am constantly watching and worrying, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Whenever there is a change, I worry that it will set him off. Three more days of school, but it's finals and even though he has missed most of the year, he has to take them. Wednesday I am taking difficult child to sign up for Boys and Girls Club - he won't start until next week though. He will be going 3 days per week. He really needs the socialization, plus it just isn't a good idea for him to be home all day every day for the summer. psychiatrist also said that this will keep him in a semblance of a routine, just like school.

    Anymore, I am sometimes walking on eggshells with easy child and her mood swings. psychiatrist is keeping an eye on her, watching for signs of bipolar in her too. Even with her antidepressant, her mood swings are pretty heavy duty. We will see.