Wondering if I have...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jungleland, Mar 21, 2008.

  1. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    made a huge mistake!

    For those of you who don't know, I left husband and Aly, taking our 4 yo with me back in January, after Aly broke my arm in a rage.

    We have been having weekend visits, with husband and Aly coming here or Jayme and I going there, for about a month now. The first day always goes well, with Aly all excited about showing me her school work, new dance moves, etc. But once the newness wears off, usually about 12 hours or so into the visit, back to same old same old: disrespect, yelling, passive agressiveness towards me and Jayme. Nothing violent, just an undercurrent that is very uncomfortable.

    Anyways, Aly has next week off school for spring break. husband asked if I would consider having her for the week or at least part of the week to help on costs of finding her daycare while he is at work.

    At first, I was ticked off, she is his responsibility for right now, he should have planned finding her affordable care LONG before NOW! Then, the mommy in me jumped up and agreed, as long as she is appropriate, she can stay half the week here and half the week at my older daughter's place.

    I also let him know that I will NOT put up with the crappolla he does and if she is the least bit violent towards me or her sister, I will dial 911 in a heartbeat and have her taken to the furthest psychiatric hospital around to await Residential placement. This was what the plan was supposed to be after the last incident but he refused to allow that to happen, felt HE could handle her. I said go for it and left. I know, sounds cold, but after 10 years of being the target of Aly's anger, I have had it, drew my line in the sand and it will not be crossed again.

    husband said, if she is the least bit out of line, he will come get her. He is still refusing to get the help for her that has been recommended by psychiatrist, tdocs, school psychiatric, etc...

    Anyways, have I made a HUGE mistake by agreeing to keep her here, in our tiny one bedroom apartment, 2 hours away from husband? I am suddenly panicking this morning, questioning my decision.

    Thanks for listening!

  2. looking4hope

    looking4hope New Member

    I feel for you. My diagnosis felt the same way, except that our difficult child lived with me. diagnosis said that he would take him when things were getting rough, but difficult child didn't want to be there, and given diagnosis's current living situation, I didn't want difficult child there, either. The breakthrough came when difficult child called me because diagnosis hit him for misbehaving, and went into a rage (hyperventilating, screaming, etc.). When diagnosis saw this, he began to understand and FINALLY agreed that the next time difficult child got violent with me, he would go to the psychiatric hospital as recommended.

    I would stick to your guns. Tell husband that as long as you have difficult child, then the parenting decisions you make are yours. If difficult child gets violent or is threatening to hurt herself, then call 911 and have her transported to a psychiatric hospital ASAP. Call husband after the fact. Maybe this will open his eyes to the fact that this child needs more help than he alone can give.

    Good luck, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
  3. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    I think the break that you have gotten from January until now that has left you able to regroup and not deal with the stress of living with Ally day to day has make you feel better. So much better in fact that when caught off guard - you agreed to do what you left a 26 year long marriage, and 10 year old daughter because of.

    Do i think you made a mistake? If you did - it's done now. And you said you have drawn your line in the sand regarding her behaviors and tolerance of such so do the best you can the days and time you do have her. Maybe with getting a MUCH MUCH MUCH needed rest from Ally's behaviors you will be able to handle things more calmly.

    This is the catch that ALWAYS and FOREVER (until recent times) caught DF and I in a tornado with Dude. He would GO to the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), and by the time he left we would be silently saying -you can put him in Sing Sing for all we care NO ONE can live like this. Out of sight out of stress....and learning to live like humans with a shred of compassion we would get dude BACK from Residential Treatment Center (RTC) and think - OKAY we're better we can handle anything....and shortly into coming home we were sorely unprepared - nothing had changed we just got a reprieve.

    That reprieve maybe enough to take her for a few days and it may not. That remains to be seen. The good news? You'll be able to draw YOUR line in the sand MUCH QUICKER with her NOT having lived under your roof - which is great for you and your other child (and as it should be) and actually better for Ally because you will send a message QUICKER that (XX) behavior stops NOW.

    What do you do when you visit husband and she acts up after a while? Do you leave???? That's what I would recommend. Say nothing more that I love you, when you can behave longer Mom will stay longer. And vise versa.

    How has she been with husband? Same as when you were home? Or okay with him just lashes out at you after a while?

    I ask - because Dude did better with me not around - apparently we're a lot alike and rub each other the wrong way - but.....in retrospect when you have a living mirror in front of you it makes you curb a lot of behaviors. lol

  4. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!


    Yes, when I am with Aly it is agreed, if she acts up she gets 1 warning and if things do not improve, I leave. Had to do that few weeks back, was hard on Jayme but better in the long run.

    Aly does act up with husband but not to the degree she does with me, as with you and dude, it is a clash of personalities! :thunderstorm: And he has a much higher level of tolerance for her "stuff" than I do, as he is with her alot less than I was due to him working. She is in school then an afterschool program so he is only with her from 6-8pm week days, oh and first thing in the morning, then the weekends we are either there or they are here.

    My 24yo daughter is alot like husband in that she has the patience of beyond a saint, so Aly does pretty good with her, at least for short periods of time. So, we will be sharing in having her here next week, older daughter lives in apartment complex next to ours.

    So, we all head to my parents house tomorrow for an early Easter celebration then back here tomorrow night then husband and 20yo son will head back their direction on Sunday. It ought to be an interesting weekend, beings that this is the first time we are all together since the separation.

    Anyways, thanks for the reply, you always give me lots to think about with your posts. I really appreciate that!!

  5. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911


    In reading your posts - I have a suggestion. Since your daughter is next door and Ally has short attention span. MIX IT UP SISTA!!!!!

    I mean it - from your house for 1 1/2 hours to daughter - never have a moment that is not planned but don't let her know what the plans are.

    It's a between the lines reading of your reply. Dude was similar - if you keep him going, doing, doing, doing......and never let him know what was next he did very well. I did not - I'm a quiet (believe that??) peaceful person who would rather sit in the woods and read a book than do Disney - too much for me. Dude was a Disney kid - and that is Ally too - Maybe since you only have her for the week - you can mix it up and plan out the wazoo - and by that I mean like ever hour is planned. Just about the time you get comfy at your moms - LEAVE and go to the park.....Stay at the park for 30 minutes then back to your Moms......there 40 m inutes - then out in the yard for a game of kick ball -

    THAT is what the TFP are doing with Dude now and I give them accolades because I can't go and do that - never could .......

    Just a passing thought.

    Dont' let her get bored, but don't entertain her - give her things and put her in a safe place - the park - the mall -grandmas - back to the park - out in the yard....etc.

  6. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    :peaceful:Great ideas, Star! Praying the weather holds up so we can do alot of park playing, miniature golf, maybe see a movie, go to the ceramic plate painting place. This is hard for me too, as I would love to just sit and do crafts and not be on the go so much, but that really is what Aly needs.

    Thanks hon!
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I could not even IMAGINE what you are going through.

    Sending you lots of strength, lots of hugs, and lots of prayers. Do check in with us during that week if it gets to be too much.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You have a plan, you have your line drawn. Will be keeping good thoughts that all goes well! (((Hugs)))
  9. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Only you know if you made a mistake. And you might not know the answer right now, maybe you'll find later that you didn't. Maybe it's the best thing that could happen, because you will be the parent that follows through.

    I guess what I am trying to say is that if Aly is with you and is violent and you feel that the police should be called, you call the police. That's the right thing to do. You don't have to lower yourself to your husband's standards. And you don't have to wait for him to come get her.

    As far as whether she stays with you at all, I suppose it's kind of late, but I think you have the right to change your mind. It's not like he didn't wait until the last moment to spring it on you. But, you know what is best for you and easy child 3. Do what's in your heart, not what misplaced guilt tells you to do.
  10. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    Will be thinking of you this weekend. I'm sure it will be hard emotionally being the first time all together. As for Ally staying the week, I agree that sharing time with you and her big sister might be enough to keep her in check.

    Fingers crossed and mega hugs coming your way,
  11. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity

    Hi Vicki,
    I cannot imagine being you right now - you've been through so much!:faint: I think it was not a mistake to see if this will work. You'll never know if it will work or not until you try. I think it's great that you have a plan in place and it sounds like you will follow through as well. Keeping Aly busy sounds like a great idea even though it is not how you would choose to spend your time with her. I'm so sorry for all you are dealing with and so sorry husband/diagnosis isn't seeing the light. hang in there - stick to your guns and know we are all pulling for you to have a calm weekend! ((HUGS))
  12. Jungleland

    Jungleland Welcome to my jungle!

    Day 2 of having Aly here and she has been over to easy child 1's almost this whole time. Got myself a major migraine of epic proportions and thank God for easy child 1!!!

    Just heard from her and Aly is starting to push her buttons, so I told her to bring her on back over, if she is still acting up in a little bit it will be early medication/bedtime for Miss Aly!

    Yesterday was pretty good, we all went to the park for several hours and they got to run out their wiggles. They got exhausted and overheated but had alot of fun.

    easy child 1 has had them doing artsy craftsy stuff today so that kept them occupied for the most part of today.

    Anyways, things are going ok so far. Just a bit nerve racking, that walking on eggshells kinda feeling.

  13. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Praying really hard for you this week, Vickie.
  14. daralex

    daralex Clinging onto my sanity