19 yo nephew with low self esteem

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Sbk, Apr 9, 2016.

  1. Sbk

    Sbk New Member

    I am looking for any insight or opinion on how to handle my 19 yo nephew. He started off college past fall at a big ten school with grand ideas of drinking, smoking weed, and general debauchery. His parents were both wild children in there own rights. He lasted in college for ½ semester before getting into a lot of trouble including poor planning of course work and an on going question of sexual misconduct. There are a lot of unknowns but he was sent far away from his friends to live with me and start over at a community college, far below his academic abilities. He is extremely agreeable and genuinely nice. He responds to losing my car if he does not follow the rules of the house and he changes his ways. However I just recently learned that he has been smoking pot on the side. He says that he is not taking my car when he is planning on smoking. He is "love" with the mystery of pot and its accessibility in this state versus it being illegal where he used to live. In order for him to transfer back to a full time university he needs to have a gpa of 3.9 which he does have the potential to reach. He currently has ½ semester left of this year to turn things around - he has 2 A's and 2 B's which is not bad but he is not taking his situation seriously. I am at a loss as to how many rules and restrictions I can place on him now that he is 19yo, albeit a very immature 19. I don't want to go around pee testing him .... I would like to have the ability to trust him. I would genuinely like to see him respect himself and take himself seriously. I don't know how to encourage this behavior. He has grown up with divorced parents with a father who is a millionaire piece of work and a mother who is absolutely lovely and whimsical. Any thoughts would be very appreciated.
    Thank you
  2. runawaybunny

    runawaybunny Administrator Staff Member

    Hello @Sbk

    Welcome to our community. Your nephew is lucky to have someone in his life like you to offer him so much support. He sounds like someone that can turn his poor decisions around but it may not be a short or easy journey.

    I'm going to move your post to our Parent Emeritus forum where we discuss kids that are over 18. You'll be more likely to get responses there.
  3. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    :welcomecat:Welcome, Sbk. Have your nephew's parents given you any guideline as to what rules they expect him to follow while living with you? I'm glad that he is being respectful of you. Is he working? That might do a great deal toward pushing him to live in the adult world with responsibilities.
  4. Sbk

    Sbk New Member

    Thank you so much for responding !! I am supposed to create the rules and be consistent - his parents were not and they want me to be the authoritative one. I was worried about him working as I would like him focusing on his school work at least for this first semester. I am worried he's driven high even though he denies it. Since a pee test is positive for about a month, I thought I would give him a month without requiring him to prove to me he's not using - since I have no way of determining if he is driving high. He can pee test himself or figure out another way he can prove to me he's not high to drive my car. My car is essentially my only leverage with him. He's too old to ground etc.
  5. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    Sbk, the board tends to be slower on the week-ends. I'm sorry that this has been delegated to you. My son is currently 17, so we haven't made it to the young adult stage yet. I'm thinking that a 19 year old should certainly be responsible for some chores at your house.

    I think since he smoked pot in the past he is probably still doing it. Has he met new friends in your neck of the woods? My dad sent my brother to Florida in order to get him away from his drug using friends. Within a month, my brother had a whole new set of friends just like the old ones. It took a DEA drug raid on his apartment to scare my brother into the seriousness of adulthood.

    I don't think you can force your nephew into taking his life seriously. He has to find his own way there. There's nothing wrong with him limping along at community college while he figures out what's important. Right now it seems that smoking weed is rather a priority for him. At least he's honest about it.
  6. Sbk

    Sbk New Member

    Thanks. I think u r right.