2:00 AM and in shock...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by wakeupcall, Feb 13, 2015.

  1. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Got a text from my son's father as he's bailing him out of jail for the fourth time. Son is making the rounds of all the jurisdictions. Possession of pot. Girlfriend was driving his truck, pot too, on an expired license. They impounded his new truck. Ex has now bailed him AND her out of jail. What is he thinking?????????????
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't be upset. This is on your ex. Let him take care of all of Difficult Child's needs and do not offer to help or even talk to your ex. You don't have to agree with what he does, but you can't do anything about it. Who knows what he's thinking? But let him face the consequences of his decision and don't help him. You don't even need to listen to your son if you don't feel like it. You can take his calls or read his texts or decide your won't. Or you can say, "Sorry, I disagree with how your father is dealing with this so if you have any requests, ask him." And leave it at that.

    I'm sorry about this. It's hard when our ex's have their own agendas.
  3. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    first, I'm sorry about your son's choices and the pain you endure because of them. I am divorced from my difficult child's father, too, and I have had to learn to sit by and do nothing while he continued to enable him again and again and again...after I had started learning how to stop.

    It's really hard to sit by once again and watch this type of contribution to the ongoing destruction.

    But, think about this: Your ex has to be sick and tired enough to want to stop enabling his son---who I am sure he loves very much, just like you do.

    By doing the same thing over and over and over and getting the same result, he will grow sick and tired of it all...in time.

    That's his time, not your time.

    I had to learn to respect that, just like I had to learn to respect that my difficult child would get it in his time, not my time, and sit back and let it happen.

    All of this is a huge ongoing lesson in letting go of all people places and things.

    Warm hugs to you today. Just let it be. Let your Higher Power have it all. You and I can't do a single thing to control other people.
  4. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    So now the plot thickens. Difficult Child has lost his license because he refuses to do community service because he doesn't want to be away from girlfriend. Does he not get it that he will be away from her in jail? Ex has basically taken her in and now is moaning about paying for her food, etc. Difficult Child does delivery' so now he has no job. The two of them lay around in ex's house smoking pot and/or cigarettes, eating and watching television while ex works. I'm at a loss and guess there's not a thing I can say to Difficult Child to turn him around, nor anything I can do to knock some sense into ex. I feel so helpless......
    At this point, all I do is pay for his phone and I have cut off the internet to it. He doesn't call me, nor text, he's "busy". This is a perfect case of nature vs nuture. His bio father is in prison for the third time, bio mother lives on food stamps, bio sister just gave birth not married at 17. I thought we'd make a difference, especially since we adopted him at birth....sigh. SO incredibly sad....
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    "I feel so helpless......"

    That is because there is nothing that you can do in this situation. Childofmine summed it up beautifully. You just have to wait until your ex decides he has had enough.

    In the meantime, try to compartmentalize and go on living your life. I know that is easier said than done, though.


  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Don't be so sure you have not made a difference. I felt the same as you for many years but she is now 23 and I can see the difference we made. It took a long time and a lot of heartache but we can see how the lessons we taught her are finally taking shape. Having said that I understand your feeling of helplessness.
  7. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    I cut off his phone altogether yesterday. I refuse to pay for his phone when he ignores my calls and texts. Now ex says he's "pissed", well join the crowd, I say!..., no job, lazy, disrespectful to everyone....really? He won't do his community service, nor pay fines, drives without a license....I'm a nervous wreck.
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  8. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Wakeupcall, I did that too, at one point with my son. Slowly, I quit paying for every single thing until I wasn't paying for anything.

    I think the phone is often the last one to go because we think we need to have a way to contact them. I finally learned that they will find a way if they want to contact us---my son started using facebook messaging, he found some kind of way to text message me from his old computer to my phone (???), and he would borrow other phones.

    At one point when he was homeless four hours from here in a major city, and living at a McDonald's for 30 days, he made friends with the staff and was sitting up in their back room, eating food, smoking their cigarettes and using their phones. All that time, I was in agony thinking of him huddled outside against the air conditioning units over the coldest days of Christmas and New Year's.

    It is truly amazing how they can and will survive. We can't imagine it, but most of our off-the-rails kids can endure what we would believe impossible conditions, and only in that way do they finally hit a bottom---years after we think we would have hit it 100 times already.

    I think we can feel clear about the facts that our sons are grown men. They are adults (albeit children in adult bodies, perhaps). It's way past time for them to take stock, make something happen for themselves, get the help they need to function in society, and start taking responsibility for themselves. If not now, then when? If we keep on, they will never have a chance to find out what they are truly made of.

    If his dad wants to take this on, he will. And you'll have to let that go, too. But slowly, he will stop, or he will not.

    Rest in your decision today, and live your own life. Believe me, he will surface again. They always do.
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I shut my daughter's off so many times I lost count. I too decided why should I pay for her phone when she doesn't answer my calls. She was just using it to contact her druggies anyway. I agree with COM, if he wants to get in touch withyou he will find a way.

    When you said you were a nervous wreck it brought me right back to those times when I too was a nervous wreck because she wasn't doing anything she was suppose to and digging a deeper and deeper hole every day. They I finally go it that I was more nervous about it than she was, she was going about her merry life without a care and I was the one scared to death. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that we as moms look at the future and want them to stop their destructive ways before they do something that can never be fixed and they are living for today and have no ability to look or care about the future.

    COM said it best, rest in your decision today.
  10. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Props to you for shutting off the phone. It is a big step. Now time to let ex do what ex is going to do and let go of that. Not your circus, not your monkey as we like to say around here.
    You are doing great - hang in there!
  11. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much for your replies. I needed someone to tell me I did the right thing besides my loving husband who is aghast at my child's behavior.
    Now Difficult Child has lost his very part time job....where oh where will he get $$?. Oh yes, his father. I guess I wouldn't work either if my father just handed it all to me. I worry what no consequences is doing to my son and I have zero to do about it. All I controlled was the phone, and I took it away for his actions. Jail is around the corner now, I can see it.........I'm soooo scared for him.
  12. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Don't be, jail can sometimes be a huge wake-up call. As you have been experiencing, there is not a thing you can do anyway, so try not to worry about what the consequences are of the actions your son did.
  13. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time

    Recently, someone on one of these forums said something about jail being the best rehab ever.

    The first time difficult child went to jail I thought I would die. I almost could not stand thinking of him there. My son, in jail.

    Well, I had to stand it, because he went back again and again. And today, he hasnt been in jail for 9 months. He is sweet and kind and working a full time job right now. He has an apartment. He is paying his bills.

    Jail is not the end of the world and it is not the end of a person. Our difficult children can survive jail, and sometimes, they decide they don't want to go back there and so they hit a bottom.

    I know you don't want your son to go to jail. But believe me, you and he can survive it. And sometimes, something good comes after jail.

    Warm hugs.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you, 2much.
    I think we're headed down the same path. Adopted at birth, messy bio-family, will barely make it through HS, loves pot. :(
    I, too, am a nervous wreck. I worry about my son all the time. I know you worry about yours.
    It's so hard to compartmentalize.
    I see all the memes on FB about not letting others determine your moods. Easier said than done.
  15. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Yes, oh the tears I have shed! It is so darn hurtful, but the longer I am " out" the better I feel and since Difficult Child can't really feel anything I am at the point that I have to do what is best for me and my husband.
  16. wakeupcall

    wakeupcall Well-Known Member

    That's what I'm doing. At 64 and 65, I HAVE to think of my husband and myself. Doesn't mean that I haven't cried buckets, but this chaos must end. Each day I say, "thank you, he's one day older and perhaps one day more mature...."
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    A couple of quick thoughts.... one thing that amazed me when my son was in jail... he quickly figured out the "jailhouse" rules and followed them. He has had trouble with rules all his life but in jail he did what he needed to do to survive. The other thing is that at some point along this long and arduous journey I consiously realized that that I was not going to let my son and his stuff ruin my life!! That meaant I had to figure out how to take care of me and live my life no matter what he was doing. That realization was a turning point for me. I dont think most parents, with normally functioning, not addict kids have to make this consious choice... but we do.