27yr old son Missing for days now...Heroin addict

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Eugenia, Feb 9, 2017.

  1. Eugenia

    Eugenia New Member

    I'm truly frightened that he may be dead this time.
    He was missing for nearly 2 weeks, about a week ago, then called from our local public hospital, had admitted himself, said he was suicidal. He's done that before, admitted himself for suicidal tendency because he knows the hospital will admit him, they have to, even if it's just for a place to spend the night.

    I got a call from him from the hospital, said he was tired of living this way. Husband asked for permission to speak to counselor, he denied him access, his rights under HIPPA laws.

    He's in violation of probation, and happens to have a caring probation officer who does speak to Husband and found him a long term facility in our state of NJ.

    Son said he was ready to go, I packed the items the website says he's allowed to bring, Husband was to take him, but he had to make one stop in Paterson (where he's been in trouble with dealers before) to make things 'right' before he goes. Husband bring him there, says he'll be back in 20 minutes, never returns. Spend the night worrying, no word from him, and next day he calls and says he was beat up but now ready to go....

    BUT... now says he owes more $, Husband foolishly gives him the money, takes him back and guess what... yes, he's gone again.

    Is he lying? probably. Used the money to get high and sleep in some flea bag flop house? I pray that's the answer. Has he OD'd this time? possibly. Did he really get beat up, or perhaps, killed by these dealers? possibly. Did he kill himself? possibly.... been my fear for the past few weeks.

    Thanks for listening... I just needed to talk to you, my friends here who know what this feels like... appreciate anything you have to offer
  2. Catmom

    Catmom Member

    I am sorry you are going through this pain, I just want to show my support since we all experience a lot of these issues also. Prayers going out to you tonight!
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    I am sorry you are going thru this...my daughter has been gone for 4 days. Not quite the severity of issues that you are dealing with. But I understand how scary this must be.

    I have a terrible habit of jumping to the worst conclusions. Then in my mind, I cope with all the what ifs...once I have a plan, then I seem to be able to let things go...at least for a while. Warped. I know.

    I hope you hear something soon. Ksm
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    So sorry for your unimagineable stress.

    I hope and pray that he is okay and does finally get the help he needs.

    Please keep us updated on what is going on. We're here for you!
  5. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    I think he is lying and manipulating everyone. Hes not ready to go to rehab. I think you should think of pulling way back. Dont give him money. Let his orobation officer deal with it with him. I know you must be going crazy with worry. Hang in there
  6. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh gina I am sorry that you are going through this. I hope he surfaces soon and agrees to go into treatment. I have had to live through those times with my daughter missing, it is agonizing for sure. Keep us posted.
  7. Eugenia

    Eugenia New Member

    UPDATE... He's been found:
    I took the day off yesterday to help my husband in his office, where my son was his assistant. Since these new troubles have surfaced, my husband has been terribly depressed and finding it hard to concentrate and be productive at the office. He's a business owner, there's no pay check if he doesn't produce. He lost his father on 12/31, so the pain of all this has been overwhelming.

    Son calls husband yesterday, crying on the phone to please come and get him. He's held up again in the "shooting gallery" in Paterson, NJ. They will let him out today if he pays $120. I insist on going w Husband to pick him up. Husband warns how dangerous the area is, I don't care, he's my child, I'm going to try and get him out of there, lying or not, if I can get him to hospital and into treatment, I'm going to try and keep trying.

    We arrive in the bowels of hell, and park where he tells us to park and wait a few minutes for him to come down the street. There are 'look outs' posted all around the corners surrounding the block, and it's not a great place to be. He takes the $120 (odd number isn't it?) and returns to the 'shooting gallery'. I insist my husband turns down the block and park in front of the house.

    What breaks my heart is this block is full of families.... outside, showering snow after the recent snow storm (about 6" here), moms & dads with their children, yes, children live on this block... a little boy about 5 years old and his sister not more than 8 years old are outside playing with shovels and helping their big brother, another child of about 13 years old.... they live next door to this house where my son has been held up, and tells us is forced to sell drugs to the people who enter into the hallway. I wanted to take those children into my car and bring them home with me, it was so heartbreaking to see the potential danger that surrounds them.

    So we wait, and maybe a few minutes too long, and Husband says, he's done it again.... he's taken money to use, and he's not coming out. Husband has done this twice already this week, given him money, he goes into the house and doesn't return. But I'm insistent to stay, and I'm ready to go inside and get him myself. Husband insists its too dangerous, but he's my son, I'd take a bullet for him.

    Husband and I are now arguing about me getting out of the car and going in, I tell him to call the police, and tell them what's happening, wife inside house of drugs trying to get her son out, they'd come for something like this... and Son walks out, shaking, crying, a total mess.

    Took him to hospital, where he will admit himself again by saying he's suicidal, and hopefully get a bed in the Detox or rehab.

    I'm waiting to hear from him today, assuming he actually went into the hospital and was admitted.
    The story continues....

  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    This is your son on drugs putting all of you in danger, probably lying about his need to pay off dealers in order to use money himself, not being forced to sell drugs...Selling them (my ex drug addict daughter is very candid in saying "never trust a word a drug addict says"and "if you use, you sell too.") She has nothing to gain by sharing these insights. She's been off drugs for years and lives a peaceful life now, but likes to help drug users and their families STOP using and enabling the addict.

    How selfish of this son to even consider putting his own parents in danger, but they are totally selfish. If you had taken a bullet for him, how would that have helped him? What about the other loved ones you left behind? And his guilt?

    Newsflash: the money you gave him to pay off drug dealer was for son to buy drugs himself. He ran off after he had enough to use and sell. Never give cash to a drug addict. His story was bogus. It was for his own use.
    Ask my daughter about it

    You did not save him. You risked ,your life and he is no better. Astonishing how addicts have often no problem putting their own families at peril. Many are over 25 and still want mommy and daddy to risk their lives for their own choices. Trust me, drug addicts do not tell us true stories. They are never victims as they can quit, move, and cut off contact with the bad guys. My daughter did it. she used meth, crack, psychedelics and even tried heroin. What saved her from heroin addiction is she only smoked a few times, did not inject any drugs. She used from the tender age of 12 to 19. I give her this. Drug dealers were after her so she left town, no forwarding address to dealers, and detoxed with a new boyfriend+she is with him twelve years later) in a basement that her disapproving straight arrow brother let her use for a while.

    Hope lies with your sons true willingness to quit, not with your bravery to takes bullet for his horrible lifestyle.

    These are our babies all grown up. Mine was a girl, which I sometimes think is harder. I adopted her.i remember the day the little baby arrived from Asia, all dressed up and beautiful. I had to stop thinking about the sweet beautiful baby girl when dangerous people and cops kept coming around. I had two younger beloved adoptee children who were scared of these visits and of her when she was high. And I never slept as I thought of my beautiful, smart, creative princess running out on the streets by finding creative ways out of the house. Even homeschooling did not slow it down. They are so sneaky. She was on parole twice. It didn't scare her.

    My husband and I were responsible to stay alive...for our other younger children, our older child, and the love we had for one another. It is so heartbreaking to see the kids we raised with love and good values and opportunities throw their lives away. Yes, we would die for them if we see them threatened. In the moment we do not think of the horror we'd leave behind if that happened.

    I had to think of my beautiful, fragile China doll daughters danger to us. She had meth marks all over her beautiful face. She didn't weigh 80 Pounds.l thought she would die or end in jail with jail my first choice.

    Instead her father and I cried and, yes, detached and let her choices go, and prayed shed see the light. She did. She quit even cigarettes and now went back to college and owns a house with her thriving boyfriend of twelve years and gave me my most precious gifts ever...Her sobriety and my sunshine, my granddaughter.

    There is hope. I believe we need to detach to give them a chance. If he will go to rehab and truly work on his addiction that may help. That is all you can do to help your beautiful boy,/man. Do not put yourself in harm's way for him again. If indeed be told you the truth (very doubtful) then you could have been shot. And guess what,? He could have been shot after you were. What would that have done to your family! Your other loved ones?

    Don't mess in dangerous drug houses thinking you can save your precious son. Only he can save himself and he shouldn't be placing you and his father in danger too.

    He needs treatment and a sincere desire to quit and that is it. Nothing else works. This post moved me because of your tremendous love and willingness to sacrifice for your son. What a big heart you have. They abuse our love.

    I don't know if this helped you. I did hope to help out see that only your son can save himself. I pray he will. If you believe in a higher power like me, prayers are all you can do.

    Please keep us updated. You are a precious, special person who deserves to be safe.

    If love and our help could save out adult children, this forum would not exist.

    Hugs prayers love to you and yours. Keep the Faith but stay safe.
    Last edited: Feb 11, 2017
  9. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Win the future...can you insist that he adds you to the hospital info so you can call and get info?

    So sorry you are having this much pain.

    My daughter was found yesterday. In the home of a 21yo felon...now in juvenile shelter. I can't see her until court next week.

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  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gina I am glad he contacted you and that he is in the hospital. You must be prepared for him to not have admitted himself or to not go to the rehab. Was there some reason you didn't go in with him to make sure he was admitted? In all honesty of he does not follow through I think you have to prepare yourself to walk away. I know that means he may die, I had to face that myself and I said it out loud and after that I was able to live with that possibility.

    I am so sorry.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Gina. I hope to G-d he is in the hospital. My son, 28 years now, is not on hard drugs. But I would take seriously what Nancy advises:
    I know you would do anything, take a bullet, or worse...but the thing is IT WILL NOT HELP. Your own destruction, willful or not, WILL NOT HELP. It is what HE WILL DO. Not you.

    In a paradoxical way our helping, puts them in greater danger because it reinforces the idea in them (and us) that it is what we do that matters. That the solutions are in US not IN THEM, which is false.

    You cannot keep him safe. You cannot kick drugs for him. You cannot do what it takes for him to detox and to recover. You cannot make him want to take those steps. You cannot make him better. None of us can. Not me. Not anybody here.

    This is why we are here on this forum. We tried and tried. And we failed.

    But for some of us, our kids our changing. Because they changed. They changed by their own decisions, their own efforts.

    Sometimes all there is to do is to pray. And to focus upon what you can do for yourself, your husband and the rest of the family to strengthen yourselves to endure and to support your son, when he is ready.

    I hope he stayed in the hospital. I hope you keep posting. It helps.

    I am so sorry for your worry and pain and fear.
  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Agree with everyone above. SWOT that post was your best work!

    Eugenia your post was so riveting. I could feel myself there. I'd take a bullet too but as SWOT pointed out - it would do NO GOOD and would not help him.

    You need to put your safety first. He has to do this. This is not yours to fix.

    Agree, we all love our children more than life on this site and that is why we all found each other.
  13. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    SWOT, :bpotd:Positively brilliant.