3 weeks - no contact

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Feb 21, 2017.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    I wanted to thank those that responded to my last post. I'm sorry I never replied then. I needed to get away for a bit and that is what we did. My husband, my daughter and I took ourselves away for a break and some peace, sun and different environment. It gave me time to reflect. It allowed me the space to say "enough is enough". In my head I have done everything I can to help my son. My heart still feels I have abandoned him. Our last contact was to continue to blame me for his situation. It has now been three weeks. I think of him all the time, I follow him on Instagram and continue to cringe at his posts wishing he would be different. I blocked his number and he blocked me on Facebook and if I am honest it suits me. I feel I can live and get on with my life when we have no contact. It does not stop the worry or me praying that one day he 'wakes up', gets bored of this life and asks me for proper help. If he does, I will give it. Until then, i am 'done'.

    Am I wrong? Am I wrong to leave him to it? Can I ever help someone that refuses to see how bad his behavior is? Should I be doing something? I have offered all help so i can only assume that he is not ready to change. I am still battling with whether his problems are just drug related or a serious mental health problem. He struggles in all relationships and appears to continue to fall out with people but never believe it is anything he has done. I am thinking I cannot help someone like that. I feel a bad mum for not bothering to reach out anymore. He wrote a "miss you" comment on a photo on Instagram. I ignored it. He missed me because he had split up with his girlfriend and probably needed something. I didnt want to go back to the same pattern of behavior. I worry now he doesn't have a girlfriend coz now he has nothing. I pray he doesn't end his life. Thank you all for listening/reading my woes. I am sorry for all of us. So painful. xxx
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You are in my opinion doing exactly the right thing. You cant help a drug abuser or a mentally ill person or both who refuses treatment. He is old enough to get help for drugs and mental illness himself. You no longer have a child. You have a man. Legally he has to do it himself. If he abuses you, it is a grown man abusing his own mother. How is that ok? Would you tolerate it if he werent your adult child?

    The sad and scary thing is we cant even stop them from suicide. This was a worry of mine too, but I got therapy and realized suicide is a frightening and too common problem and if somebody wants to do it and doesnt tell anyone, they will. If he ever threatens suicide, even if you think its a manipulation, call 911. Every time. Professionals can help, not you.

    Good luck. This is very hard. But you are not walking away from him. He is walking away from himself and everything you taught him. Only he can take care of his problems.

    Good luck!
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2017
  3. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Lost, you are not wrong. I'm glad you got away and were able to clear your head. When my daughter was in treatment the counselors had a saying...."nothing changes if nothing changes". It is up to him to decide he wants a different life. If he decides that I know you will be there for support. Until then he goes is alone. been there done that, it is difficult I know.
  4. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Lost, I experienced many of the same anxieties when our daughter had to leave our home last August.

    I worried that she would be preyed upon and let myself imagine all the worst that could happen. I would go drive around our town looking for her car when I had a lead on her whereabouts.

    It has been almost six months now, and though I know she is still in town, I don't know where she is living, and she seems to have a boyfriend, just looking at her facebook page.

    My advice to you is to manage your fears as best as you can. In time, you will stop worrying so much, and even though the problems might be the same, your reaction will be more tempered.

    You've taken the first step by going away for some peace and normalcy, and it sounds as though you have drawn a line by not responding to your son's communications. Like SWOT said, your son is a man. He needs to start acting like one.

    It's okay to want a break, your body and your psyche can only take so much.
  5. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you Nancy. I am slowly getting it. Still feel the need to let him know i love him but then i remember...he already knows. I wish he would go into treatment. one day maybe. Thank you x
  6. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you so much for your reply. I am sorry to hear about your daughter - I can imagine your worry and pain. I try to remember in the eyes of the law my son is a man. At 18 though, its so young. My husband reminds me, he can get drugs, arrange parties, lifts etc when it suits, he is more than capable. Its his choice to be doing nothing with his life right now. Seems such a waste to me. I am trying to look after myself more. I feel sad that I am somehow 'happier' without any contact but I remind myself if I had any choice he would be in my life and be respectful to me but he isn't. Thank you! xx
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  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Nancy - your counsellors saying is just perfect. Thank you for your wise words xx
  8. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Your words are the words of reason and reassurance. The words I needed to hear. Thank you. I will remind myself of your words every time I feel the need to reach out to him and remind him that I love him, that I have not done anything wrong to deserve his poor treatment of us...because he already knows and if he doesn't then he does need help. My mum feels I have closed the door on him and how will he ever come back from this is he feels he has no support - that makes me worry if I have done the right thing. My mum took it upon herself to reach out to him and offered him to go out for a cup of tea. His response was "depends". My mum did not reply to that but just put a time to meet. He never responded. Seems he is making his choices. :(
    Thank you!! xx
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nobody can fo this for him. Nobody. Once he himself chooses the rigjt path then you can show him emotional support. I think financial support usually doesnt help and often hinders them from growing up. Most adult childten are eager to grow up.the types that bring us here are different for various reasons...disabilities, drug use, mental health issues...whatever it is, most are unemployed or underemployed (pizza drivers etc.), unmotivated and at least smoking daily pot, if not more. I think parents see them as children still because they are so dependent on us to survive. Yet, like toddlers, if we give them a break and let them come back home, they pout and tantrum and defy rules and do not work. If we deny them money they throw fits, as if we were denying them candy at a store when they were three. Its a bigger version of the same issue.

    We dont help them grow up by letting them boss us around and get money, toys, cars without working or paying themselves. I think that keeps them children. I have an autistic son who, with minimal supports, lives in his own apartment, has two part time jobs and has a cheery, loving disposition. He is 23.

    I believe we need to pull out of mommy mode by twenty, even with a disabled kid, in order for our adult child to reach his highest potential. My autistic son gets some SSI, not a lot because he works, and he pays all his own bills, rent included. We always made him do things for himself.

    Think about it. Hugs :) its time to let him be a man and to let yourself let HIM figure it out. Or not.You cant control what your mpther does though.she'll probably get it eventually. You are grown up too. You make your own decisions, Mother makes hers. Son will make his. All adults.
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    Last edited: Feb 22, 2017
  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Either way, the purpose of his life is to work this out. You cannot do it for him. My son was off and on homeless for more than 4 years. He is mentally ill. At 28 he is gradually maturing, making better choices, is loving and caring, has sought out treatment, is talking about college.

    It took his being in the wilderness...to be able to accept and value support and love.

    Of course you have not. But it is not a question of deserving, nor it is a question of your worth or anything about what you have done or not done. It is about him. His own choices and learning, and dealing with his own life, the actual real world consequences of each one of acts.

    By stepping in and taking the hits that our children's choices generate we prevent them from learning what they need to learn to mature and change, to become productive, responsible and caring adults. They are the ones that create meaning and value in their lives. No longer can we do it.

    I know how hard is the rejection, the worry and the sense that all of your love and care has gone to naught. It feels as if our lives did not have meaning, when the center of us feels negated. This is not true. It is our responsibility now to fill our own center. We can no longer be defined entirely by our children, now grown. I needed to grow my own center. That was my learning and still is.

    I hope you keep posting. Take care.
  11. pigless in VA

    pigless in VA Well-Known Member

    I personally think these two are so enmeshed as to be the same thing. I've seen people give themselves a mental illness through intense drug use, and I've seen totally sober people go completely bonkers. It isn't your battle to fight; it's his.
  12. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your reply. I agree totally. xx
  13. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your reply. Its that feeling when you wake up and feel your life is good....then you remember and your heart sinks. Its how it makes us feel as mums that keeps us stuck in the rut. I am starting to live for myself - it feels better! Thank you xxx
  14. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Everything you say is right. I have no words to express my thanks to the time, effort and thought that goes into your replies to my situation. Just thanks xxx