A Cautious Respite...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by TheWalrus, Mar 23, 2016.

  1. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Contact with daughter has been brief and sporadic, as I am done with the "I only call when I want something" and "I will speak any way I choose to you when I do" attitude. However, after a brief period of NC, the last few conversations have been good, almost pleasant even.

    1. She went to court for her drug charges. She was given a fine with a payment based on her income and court ordered drug counseling.
    2. She finally went back for a much needed doctor visit and has made some decisions on her surgery; she says she has scheduled her followups and scans.
    3. Her SSI has come through and she will get a good sized back payment and then her monthly check, giving her enough to get her own place.

    1. If she doesn't make her payments, which is possible, they will put a warrant out for her. They didn't put her on probation, which I wanted so that she would be randomly drug tested. (sigh)
    2. Her surgeries and rehab is going to be so expensive. She refused rehab just a few months ago bc she was "done" and wanted her life back. Money is going to be an issue and I could see her just getting overwhelmed and not dealing with it.
    3. She is terrible with money. I could see her doing something really stupid with it, or even spending it on drugs, and continuing to mooch off of people and surf couches where she can.

    In short, I want to be optimistic and feel positive for her but I am so cautious and so many things make me stop and pause. I have had my hopes dashed too many times, I have thought she "has turned the corner" more times than I can count. And she lies like breathing so who knows how much is true, partially true, or outright BS?

    So I have decided to take the good and hold it at a distance. She at least sounds fine, seems to be taking care of things, and is able to speak to me with respect instead of demands and rudeness. I am going to just enjoy this (more than likely temporary) respite from her usual chaos without getting my hopes up or placing unrealistic expectations on her.
  2. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I am glad you have had pleasant conversation with your daughter Walrus. You know, must be something in the air, because Rain has been showing up and looking like she may be ready for a change. So, here we are again my dear, in the in between, cautiously optimistic and hopeful, yet kind of keeping the guard up so as not to plunge head first into a ditch of some sorts. It is like navigating a mountain trail in the dusk, trying to get home without tripping over roots and rocks along the way. Stay steady, and keep your head, I will try to do the same fellow warrior sister!
    Prayers going up for all of us as we continue on this journey.
  3. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Walrus, I am so happy that you are able to just enjoy some civil conversation. That is one good thing, I think, that might come from parenting DCs - appreciation for plain old day-to-day "normal" family interaction. When we get to have it, it is a real blessing.

    That is great news that her SSI came through. Perhaps relief over that combined with your boundary-setting have helped her be a more cheerful person.

    I know what you mean -- we never know what is true and what isn't true, and we can never count on more than today in a Difficult Child's world. But for now she sure sounds like she is stepping up and living her life. Hoping she continues!
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  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Happy for your respite!!!

    Remember, chaotic people are impossible to predict. I like this below. I learned it in Al Anon.

    One day at a time
    One hour at a time.
    One minute at a time.
    And whatever else..
    "Time marches on. This too shall pass."
  5. Roxona

    Roxona Active Member

    I'm glad you were having a good day today, Walrus. I hope tomorrow is even better. :grouphug:
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  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi Walrus-some bits of good news about your daughter. Here's hoping that she uses this opportunity to her advantage.
    Wow, did I write that? It is so amazing to me that we can all be so far removed from each other and yet our children are so similar and our feelings/reactions are nearly identical.
    This morning I listened to a song "I need a reason to sing", it has a line "when i'm overcome by fear and I hate everything I know, if this waiting lasts forever and I'm afraid I may let go, I need a reason to sing" Today, use the positives as YOUR reason. Maybe tomorrow will be different or maybe tomorrow won't even come. who knows? Today we sing with you. Prayers.
  7. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    Thank you all. I had a great day today. I got so spend some much needed time with family. They all live far away and we don't see each other much.

    Then a weird thing happened, unlike me at all. I stopped for gas on the way home and I was sitting in the car as it pumped bc it is cold here, and I could hear yelling and cursing. Loud. Inside my car. I look over and there is this very old, beat up, broken down car with boxes in the back. A ragged dressed man, bundled up, obviously trying to fix something - it was apparent that for some reason it wasn't running - was yelling back and forth with an equally ragged woman sitting in the front seat. Both of them in this brightly lit parking lot with cars and people (who were awkwardly trying not to stare) screaming and cursing each other like no one else existed. At first I got embarrassed for them.

    I finished filling up and as I drove away, I burst into tears. I was suddenly so sad that this was their situation, their normal, and I wondered what kind of life, what kind of choices led them to this place. These are someone's children, out in the cold, with a car that doesn't run, screaming at each other in total misery and anger. I just felt this very personal sadness for them and it broke me.
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Oh Walrus, the same thing happens to me at times. For me, I think all of this stuff pent up just has to come out somehow, like a pressure cooker releasing steam. It can be so spontaneous, a song, memory, it all just flows.
    It is sad to see the desperate conditions of the downtrodden in our society. I am sorry for your breakdown and hope that it did release some of your own personal pain. Sometimes a good cry can be very healing.
  9. Nature

    Nature Active Member

    I also know all too well that feeling of having positive interaction with Difficult Child only to have it snatched away hours or days later. Yes, I understand that guarded optimism but I am glad you are taking time for yourself.

    I too look at others on the street that some may shun especially on cold or rainy days and my heart goes out to them and all those who love them. They are someone else's sons or daughters .
  10. savior no more

    savior no more Active Member

    I see this quite often in the hospitals with married couples of all ages and economic positions. They are usually in distress over health and almost universally wish the other one was different. But one thing is for certain, they are up there at the crack of dawn to be with their "loved" one.