A mixture of mess

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lost in sadness, Jan 23, 2018.

  1. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    So, as you know my son was thrown out of his most recent house share. My husband helped him move his stuff out. He has gone to his girlfriends parent house who he has only ever met once!! Most of his belongings came back to our house and I have spent the whole week washing all of his stuff including the pillows and quilts, it smelt horrible!! The last two days I have spent ironing his whole wardrobe. Amongst his belongings was a bag of paperwork. It made an interesting read. Evidence of why he was asked to leave his old job (not quite the story he told us) a fine for jumping a train which is now at arrest stage for 3 months imprisonment, mobile will be cut off due to non payment, bank letter £950 overdrawn. Of course, I want to call them and tell them all he is homeless and without a job so that he does not get in any more trouble. How can he sort anything without a phone either.

    On Sunday he sent me a message saying how much debt he was in and admitted he never said the £380 court fines. He said he needed a loan of £2,000 so he can consolidate his debt. I refused. He has no job and no means to pay it. I reminded him that his girlfriend received a nice Pandora ring, perfume etc for Christmas and how great he looked in his Hugo Boss tracksuit. He then asked me if I would ever get bored of making him feel like sh*t. Today i feel bad. I wonder if it was me that took him to this place. I try to remind myself of the pay day loans he has taken out and how he chose to spend this on the above items rather than his debts and it relieves the guilt slightly. I can see on messenger that he is getting up around 3pm each day and it makes me so sad! What is he actually doing to sort his life out?? There is no action on email other than one email to a recruitment agency with he burned his bridges with ages ago. Otherwise no evidence of him helping himself at all. I feel lonely and sad for him and I can't help but wonder how he is in his head. Is he just so mentally poorly that he cannot help himself and I am leaving him alone. I wonder how long this girls mum is going to want him just dosing around her house and the worry of where he will go if she throws him out. He is meant to go to court on Monday for driving offenses from back last year. It is nothing serious but I wonder if he will be arrested if he was to go due to the other stuff. Worse still, what will happen if he doesn't go. Should I take him? I want to write to the judge and ask him to please help my son. Is there nothing they can do? make him go somewhere for help? Thoughts please!!! xx
  2. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Hi Lost

    Your post makes me feel exhausted. I think you have to take a giant step back from your son and his drama. You have a life to lead and a husband and a daughter that need you.

    I know how hard this is but you have to stop rescuing your son. I know he is young but you have to try to let him figure this out.

    We all know this is a process for us as mothers and we can only do what we can do. I don't know how long your son has been drugging but mine started at 15 so by the time he was 19 I was wiped out mentally and physically. My son had many rehab stints, counseling etc. in that time but nothing really changed him. I was running circles around him trying to FIX HIM. Similar to what you are doing. It didn't work. He also would stay sober many months at a time so we always thought that was the end of his phase but then he'd start up again. Hard to even know what you're dealing with. I did not know anyone else dealing with this....until I found this forum.

    My husband always says misery loves company but there is more to it than that. We want to feel that we are not some type of freak family and that others have made it through to the other side of this madness. We want to find a shortcut to ease our pain. I have not yet found that.

    You really truly have to take care of yourself in all of this. Like someone else said we are debilitated by their life choices and to them it's just another Tuesday.
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  3. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    Thank you for your message. Your husband is certainly right about the misery. I am truly tired as we all are. I look at your signature and wonder where you got the strength but then realise its getting to three years for us also. I so wish we had the programs in the UK that you guys have, it would at least be somewhere to turn. Having said that he has not even gone for counselling when offered. It doesn't make sense that when things are going well and they look and seem happier/better, they gain a life, family and friends back, that they then go back to it. It baffles me. I think it is only cannabis my son is using but huge amounts of it, probably just to numb his life.

    My worst feeling is that he feels alone, scared and unable to deal with the mess without help. I would hate him to end his life knowing I could help him. The feeling haunts me. I so so hope that your son cracks it this time - you deserve it and it is looking at least positive.
  4. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Amen to this. It is just another Tuesday. Years back, we had debt collectors calling on the daily. Hubs and I were always on top of our bills and careful about our credit. Rain had managed to get a credit card and had over $2000 owed. I stupidly convinced Hubs to pay it off and had Rain sign a note. BAH! She continued to rack up debt and gave nary a thought to paying us back. It wasn't as if we could afford to go out on a limb for her, either.
    Addicts do not care about anything but the next high.
    The more we rescue them, the more they use drugs and use us.
    We cannot take on their consequences, without consequences of our own.
    It is a vicious, vicious cycle.
    I know it is hard, Lost, but the more you try to save him, the deeper he will plunge into the same ole, same ole.
    It is not that we don't care.
    It is that we do.
    I will write it again.
    Love says NO. No, I will not fund your drug use. No, I will not be your personal maid while you lay about all day. No, I will not spend another precious moment fretting about your future, more than you do.
    That is key, whether it be mental illness or drug haze.
    They need to be able to think of their own future.
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  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    By the way your son is behaving I'm thinking it is probably more than just weed. My son doesn't act like that when he smokes only weed however he cannot smoke weed because he is an addict. His thing was benzos and alcohol - a deadly combo. I don't say this to scare you but I would be very shocked if this was all he was using.

    Leafy above gave you great advice. She has been through a lot. She was one of the first people I met on here and one of the most understanding and compassionate. Listen to her advice. You will not get better advice anywhere, trust this.

    The fact that you were desperate enough to find this forum - I remember that feeling - tells me you may be ready to change things. He will not change. You cannot WAIT for him to change. You have to change.

    I suggest seeing a therapist for yourself that has experience with addiction. That is what I am doing. She has helped me set boundaries for us and our son. I KNEW we needed help. He needed help but we needed help too. When our children are sick, we are sick too.

    Feeling sorry for him doesn't help (he feels alone). I did that too. It just clouds your thinking.

    The most ironic thing of all is that all our suffering and living like you are living is NOT helping your son. Crazy isn't it? I learned that here too. I think most of us would gladly suffer if it helped them! I know I would.
  6. LIS - I really feel for you, there are so many similarities in our sons. They would probably end up friends if they knew each other.

    The horrible smell of their washing - my son’s is a stale smoke/cannabis smell - even after they’ve been washed I can faintly smell cannabis when the tumble drier is on.

    Well done for not paying his debt - you won’t get it back and it will be replaced by more debt. You’re doing the right thing and helping him to learn that debts don’t magically vanish. My son took out 4 iPhone contracts - there is only one iPhone left to show for these and that has a broken screen now - I expect the others were sold. I saw a letter saying he owed at least one phone company over £1000 but I’m not allowing myself to worry about it because I know he’d just try another scam and run up more debt.

    Please don’t feel guilty, I think it would be worse for him if you paid because it would prevent him from learning - he may never learn but definitely won’t if his debts are paid.

    I know you’re worried about his mental health and about how long he will have a place to stay but I do believe you’re doing the right thing by not bailing him out.

    Regarding court - my biggest worry used to be that my son would go to prison, I worry much less since I had a conversation with his probation officer who told me that she has seen young men turn their lives around completely since going to prison and she feels it can be a positive thing. In my job I have also nursed many people who have served long spells in prison and they too have became more disciplined with themselves and led better lives. I know this doesn’t apply to everyone who has served time in prison but it gives me hope if things come to that. My son has already been back at court for not complying with his community order and I know the court system won’t tolerate this forever. I feel guilt as it was me that pressed charges against him in the first place but he left me with no choice in the end.

    I’ve been advised on here to care for myself, to learn to love myself more and I think you should try to concentrate on that too. I know it’s easier said than done and I think we are both at a similar stage in this but you really do deserve to be happy.
  7. Lost in sadness

    Lost in sadness Active Member

    New leaf - Thank you for your wise words. I have good times and bad times with my fretting. I messaged him today but it remains unopened, his choice.

    RN0441 - I know my son drinks alcohol too and yes, the mixture is not good with him. He did used to do some cocaine but I'm not sure he does that anymore - maybe he does....i do not believe he takes any tablets, I recall he had a bad experience once when he did it. I know i need to talk to someone, a counsellor but it somehow feels all wrong when I am one myself! lol I am getting past that thought though, slowly, but getting there. x

    Guidance seeker, your first line made me laugh - first time in two days! the bit about them being friends. I had thought that myself but then I remembered that my son doesn't really have any 'friends' anymore since he started down this road. He manages to fall out with everyone.

    My house has also been wafting in the smell of cannabis with the tumble drier on even though I have washed some things twice over n a boil wash! Ugh! My son has also done the phone contract scam...lol...omg s there a school for misfits where they learn this stuff? My son went to a private school and always moaned that they never taught 'life skills', this very thought makes me roar inside because he has more 'skills' of manipulation and scamming life then a school could ever teach! In a way, I'm not overly worried about prison, more so about whether he gets involved in fights etc as he has a personality disorder and falls out with people all the time. Its his safety really and that of others and of course whether he tries to kill himself! (sigh). Thanks for being there everyone.. xx
  8. LIS - We’ll end up craving cannabis ourselves if we inhale anymore tumble drier fumes lol.

    The phone scam must be common and taught in the street school. Who on earth thinks these things up?

    I’m glad you managed a laugh tonight. Hope you’re feeling better.
  9. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel


    Oh my we are so in the same place you and I. It was very very hard for me to wrap my head around a few facts when I stopped enabling my son.

    You see every time we did not enable and he faced the consequences of his own actions. Things got worse...way worse. I made my self sick with guilt and FOG Fear Obligtion and Guilt. It took me a very long time to realize that getting out of their way and not enabling them does being about a downward spiral. We don’t cause it by any means. They do. We are just not rescuing any more. Nothing changes if nothing changes. If we continue to enable the cycle continues.
    First we don’t make anyone feel anything. Our emotions are our own.

    Second nope he took himself to this place it’s all on him. We didn’t Cause this we can’t Control it nor can we Cure it. Not easy stuff. I know I am in the thick of it with you.

    You are a loving and caring parent. We at times have to love in harsh ways to give hope and opportunity for growth and recovery to have a chance.

    Be kind to yourself. You have taken care of him and his messes for a very long time.
  10. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Smack your husband RN we are commisery here not misery lol.
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    So I laughed and laughed and I am still laughing. If there is a school it is an international school with great acclaim for consistent and reproducible results.


    My sons God Parents live in Southern California. I joke to my husband and say that we must have accidentally swapped him for his evil twin when we passed through Compton. Yup one of his nick names is SIC. Swapped in Compton.

    Ladies I walked into work the other day and I could smell weed lingering on my clothing from my son just sitting in my car the odour had permeated the vehicle. Thank goodness we have air freshener at work I sprayed some around in the loo and I think that did the trick. I also went out and sprayed the interior of the car. Ugh!! My go to is always “does anyone else smell skunk”?

  12. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Honestly I like how their behaviors mimic one another.

    I didn't say I LIKE their behaviors, I just like that I can read other's posts and say YUP.