Acceptance and many emotions

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 11, 2018.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Well I havent posted in awhile. We had dinner with my son last night. He seems to be doing all right. I believe he is clean and sober (although am fully aware I could be wrong). He has a girlfriend who we have not met yet. He is still in the outpatient program but he seems to be stepping back from their services which is probably not good.

    We went up to have dinner with him because I needed to bring him his birth certificate so he can get a new ID. At dinner I tried to have a conversation with him about how I was feeling and how I get triggered when it seems like he is hiding things.... cause that is what he does when he is using. His attitude was well you just have to deal with it and get over that! Huh. He has absolutely no understanding of my feelings nor does he care. In the conversation he said he likes to keep people at arms length because it is safer... I looked at him and said “even your mother?” He said the “the damage is already done”. It is clear to me that he doesnt really want a close relationship with us. He has whatever relationship he has with us because we are helping him out and he needs us. He doesnt want a close relationship even though when he recently got out of jail and went to this program he said he did. I think that was what he was saying and maybe feeling at the time.

    Anyway it became clear to me he really doesnt want that. And he is an adult and adults get to choose what kind of relationships they have with their parents, I have had this dream tjhat somehow some day he will pull it together and we will work through our issues and be close. It is time for me to give up that dream. Who knows it may happen some day but in all likelihood it won’t. I cant keep living my life hoping for that. I was lucky enough to have a very close relationship with my mother and that is what I wanted with my children. I do have that with my daughter.... but I dont think I will ever have that with my son.

    So it makes me sad.... but today I woke up and thought I need to really step back. I need to stop trying to have something he doesnt seem to want. If he ever wants it he can let me know.

    And a part of me is angry..... we do so much to try and help him and he totally takes us for granted. For the moment we will continue to help him financially but I am pulling back emotionally.

    TL
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TL, I have boys and girls and feel close to all. But it is much easier to have a cool friendsship with children of the same sex. I mean, can you go shopping with men? Watch chick flicks together? Boys also tend to talk less about emotions than girls. That could also be why you are not as close to your son. I admit Im not a femnist. I feel there are big differences between the sexes. You were a girl child very close to her mother. But this is a son.

    I know your son is being a jerk and Im very sorry. But the fact that he is a man makes thinngs harder as far as being close.

    Of course, like female dogs, it seems that when two woman go at it, it is more intense. But I also believe moms tend to be closer to their daughters in general. This does not excuse your son.

    Light and love!
     
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with you. I was closer in some ways to my mom than my brother was..... but he was still very much there for her in his manly way. So I dont expect to have chatty girl talk kind of conversations with my son. Gee I dont even have those with my husband really. But seriously he is keeping us at a distance....and I just checked in with the program and he is doing the same with them.... all of which is not a good sign and he may be headed towards another relapse. But there is nothing I can do except wait and see.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is doing this to everyone, it is not about you. It is about him and where he is. He is not feeling good about himself. People who have confidence in themselves are not afraid to get close to people and vice versa. He will come around when he feels better about HIM.
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So I talked to my parent mentor today from the program he is in. She reminded me that this is his disease talking. Although I think he is not currently using I do think he is probably headed fro a relapse.... and his behavior is similar to when he is using. It was a good reminder for me. I still need to step back. And I think the acceptance is that he may never succeed at fully recovering and I need to still live my life. I did call the program yesterday and he is pulling back from them too. But the really good thing is they are still there... so if he wants help it is there for him. So I just need to keep letting go.
     
  6. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi TL, so sorry for this recent setback. It is hard when we wish to be close to someone, our own adult children, and they are distant. I do not see my two very often, when I do, I am glad to know they are alive, but awkward doesn't even begin to define the few moments. I am so sorry for your heartache.
    That is exactly my thought. It is what I have read up on "dry addiction", although a person may not be using, they have the same traits.
    A big old serving of "It is what it is." Still doesn't make it any easier, but it is a reminder on the work cut out for us on the journey.
    Hope with no expectations. Staying off the rollercoaster lives they live, finding our own peace, within ourselves. No matter come what may. I try to borrow the logic of my well children, who have learned to shrug it off and say "This does not surprise me.", or "TYPICAL!"
    It still stings.
    Circling the wagons TL.
    You have got this.
    (((HUGS))
    Leafy
     
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks Leafy. I am pretty sure he has relapsed. So we pulled back...changed the way we are doing money so that to get money for groceries he has to interact with the program. His fb post are dark and sad and I have decided to keep quiet instead of giving him sympathy. I know if i give him sympathy he will try toy mamipulate my jeartstrings to give him something. I have decided he doesnt need to come to me for help bit be needs to get help from them. So I am stepping back and the program is keeping in touch with me....which lets me know he is at least ok.
     
  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, sadly, our gut feelings are usually correct. He probably has relapsed. I'm glad that you are letting the program deal with this and have stepped back.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry TL.

    I agree that you need to go with your gut. As much as I hate it, mine is ALWAYS right.

    I had to do the math to see your son is 27. He has been under the grips of this disease for a very long time.

    Dry drunk is true. My son would be sober months at a time but still thought like an addict. I had to poke around but it was definitely still there.

    He has been sober now since September and will live with us again in November. We will help him as long as he is moving forward - which is what we have always said.

    You just have to let him do this his way. It's never never on our terms.

    I had always said if someone could just tell me that eventually he would be alright I could cope.

    Unfortunately we have no way to know that.

    Prayers to you for peace and your son to find his way.
     
  10. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    toughlovin,
    It is hard when it seems you want a relationship more than the other person. Sometimes when addicts relapse they are ashamed and tired of relapsing and trying and don't want to disappoint everyone again. It's a long road. I hope for both of you that you someday reach a nice relationship. I understand where you are coming from.. it's hard. So sorry.
     
  11. tryingtobestrong

    tryingtobestrong New Member

    toughlovin, you took the words right out of my mouth. Even where you were told this is not your son but the addiction talking. Still hurts like hell. We went to be with our son a week ago and he was so miserable and disrespectful to me- like always. Someone said above if we only knew eventually our child would be okay it would be easier to cope.
    When I don't get a text from him, I fear he is back to using, is extremely depressed and suicidal. Then when I get a text from him, my stomach turns over and I want to throw up because I am afraid to look at my phone!
    My son lives across the country alone so his alcoholism isolates him which isn't good. He has just started IOP so I am hoping some how my son will eventually break through.
     
  12. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. Sometimes you almost have to laugh at how obviously manipulative they can be. A couple days ago after I realized he was relapsing and we pulled back on the money I get a text from him saying he wanted concert tickets and “im sorry im trying”. Really? I havent heard from you but now you want concert tickets and you are sorry? I told him no and he would have to go through the program and I havent heard from him since. Just as well really.