adilt daughter on her ion stealing me blind, and moved boyfriend in. Give me advive

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Donna illig, Nov 27, 2016.

  1. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    My daughter moved in with me about 2 years ago. She is an her ion addict. I have put her in numerous recovery centers. She still was using. She has stolen over 4,000 out of my bank accounts, and stolen most my jewelry. Then she moved in her boyfriend. I found needles many times, and pills. She and her boyfriend had addict looking people coming to my house, and staying just a few minutes. I believe they were selling drugs from my home. I got a message on my phone met for my daughter. It said,"got Roxie's" I wasn't home, but o called and told them to get out of my house before o got home. They left, but I was gone one evening, and they got in one of my windows. I changed my locks and put in a security system in. About 2 weeks ago, I was out. When I got home they were on my back porch. I told them to leave. They left, but my daughter has been texting me how a horrible parent I am, and blaming me for her use of drugs. Her dad my husband died 8 years ago, and she thinks I owe her everything. She thinks what is mine is hers. I am trying to stay strong, but all this has my heart broken. She's had everything her whole life , college degree we paid for. I'm afraid I'm going to give in. What advice can I get ?
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Donna, welcome and sorry you had to find us.

    I am sorry you are facing this alone, Donna. That must be very difficult.

    You certainly should not come home to the chaos she brings. Your home is your sanctuary, and your daughter is an adult. You don't owe her anything.

    If anyone "owes" anything, I think it is your daughter who owes you the respect a mother deserves, especially a mother who has tried so many times to help her child break the grips of an addiction.

    It is heartbreaking, but it sounds like your daughter took your kindnesses as an easier path for her and assorted hangers-on to have a place to use and sell drugs.

    It is not good for her and certainly unacceptable for you to have her in your home, Donna.

    It is SO HARD to say no, because as parents we tend to focus on their potential. We see them as innocent children, or young graduates ready to take on the world.

    They are sadly not those people anymore, especially when drugs are doing the talking.

    Others will be along to offer advice, but I wanted you to know that I am reading along. You will find much great support here. Keep reading and posting. It helps.
  3. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I heard the same words from my daughter. It's all my fault. I owe her. You're family and families help each other. You've got money. I helped for 9 years and then I said no. She is not speaking to me. There are times when I shed tears. My heart was broken. BUT, everyone here told me it will get better and it is. Now, I'm not sure I want to hear from her. I'm enjoying the peace. You don't deserve this kind of treatment. Hang in there. Take care of yourself. You came to the right place. There's a lot of wisdom and support here.
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  4. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  5. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you for your support. I am broken hearted. I thought she had a good life. I just can't understand what went wrong. Thank you. I hope you have piece in your heart.
  6. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  7. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you for your advice. I don't know where I went wrong, but I'm praying she will have the strength to clean up. I had her in rehab 5 times, but I know now she has to make that choice. Thanks!
  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Donna, welcome to the forum. I am so very sorry for the heartache in all of this. Your story is very similar to many here, including mine. We have all given much to our children and have dealt with the raw, unending dismay of what lengths using addicts will go to. That is what most of our children are, addicts. Addicts lie, steal and hurt people to get what they want, the drugs of their choice. Your daughter will twist words around and wrench your heart, if she thinks it will get her back home. It is a horrible game they play. I am so sorry. I have been through it myself and know the pain of it. It took years of being engaged in the losing battle of trying to "help" I would have my two daughters in and out of my home, bringing chaos, drug friends, stealing and blaming me for their choices. It is all a game to them and we are unwilling pawns.
    Then one day it just got to be too, too much. I found this site. Being here posting and receiving kind words and wisdom from others who have been on similar journeys helped me to get through the numbing shock of it all. I was able to move slowly away from the wounded, heartbroken, paralyzed mode, more towards understanding that both my girls were literally kidnapped by drugs and they were adults who were making choices for themselves. I had no control of that. I had done my raising them. There are resources out there to help them, if they so choose.
    Until then, they will do what they do.
    In all of this time, my husband fought illness after illness, then passed in April. I am sorry you lost your husband too. It is hard to face this alone as a parent. I do see my two from time to time and they are still using. You know, they do not even recall some of the horrible things they have said and done, at least that's what they say and how they act. Huh, imagine that. Feeling all torn up and twisted inside with guilt, sadness, grieving their choices and lifestyle and they don't seem to have a clue or a care as to how I feel. These are not the girls I raised, and yet they are in there, somewhere. Yet, it all becomes so lopsided, doesn't it? We get so twisted up in their drama and rants that we actually go back into time and replay over and again where it may have all gone so incredibly wrong. Here's the thing Donna, it is not our fault. We are all imperfect humans doing the best we can. Parenting mistakes? I have made plenty. The issue is really and truly addiction. Our kids got caught up in mind napping substance abuse. They will blame us because it is way easier than looking in the mirror and facing the truth that all the things they do and the resulting consequences are completely on them. Misery loves company, and as long as our daughters are using drugs, they will do anything and everything to get us to bend to their wants. That includes trying to twist things around and tug on our heartstrings until we don't know if we are coming or going.
    If we let them.
    If we let them.
    That's key Donna.
    They can play their game all they want, but we can step out of it. It does not mean we do not love them, quite the opposite. We love them enough to step aside and let them learn their responsibility. We love them enough to know that we have to model self care and preservation, by no longer allowing them to use, abuse and tread all over us. It takes time and relearning different ways to react. This site has wonderful people who can point you to resources that help you detach and focus on a good rest of your life. That is not selfish to do, even while our daughters are out there, doing what they do. Having a good life is what we wish for them. We need to work at that for ourselves, too.
    I am sorry for your need to be here, you have come to a place where people understand the pain of it. You are not alone. You have value and worth and the rest of your life to live. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. I hope that you find some comfort. The end of the story is not written, there is always hope for a brighter future for all of us, our d cs included.
    A warm welcome to you and many hugs.
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  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You did give her a good life. Her problems are internal and probably nothing would have made her any different. She has to figure it out. Obviously putting her in rehab when she doesn't want to quit doesn't work and drains your resources.

    Your daughter stole from you. Obviously she has no respect for her family for her to do that.

    I am sorry you have to go through this, but it is not your fault. Many young adults get far less than we give our kids and don't turn out to be non productive. You loved her and gave her every chance. There is nothing wrong with what you did.
  10. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  11. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    I'm so sorry you are going through such difficult times too. It's sad both your daughters have put you through such grief. I'm sorry about the passing of your husband, and lost feeling of losing someone you dearly love. Thank you so much for your feelings on the difficult time I'm having right now, and I hope you have some piece in your heart.
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Welcome Donna, I'm so sorry you had to find us here but glad you did. You will find the support here that you need and no one here will judge you.

    I'm glad that you have told your daughter and her boyfriend to leave your home. Our homes should be a place that we feel safe and your daughter has shown total disrespect for you and your home. When our adult children are addicted they only think of themselves and how they are going to get their next fix. As you have learned they do not have any problem stealing from us. The fact that she and the boyfriend were dealing drugs from your home put you at risk. If the police were to have come to your home and found this was going on you would be looking at criminal charges because it's your home.

    Now that you have told your daughter that she can no longer stay at your home she is going to ramp it up. Her behavior is very typical of an adult difficult child. They will tell us the most ugly hurtful things in hopes that we will feel so bad that we will give into them. This is where we as the parents have to develop a really thick skin. Do not allow her to suck you into the dark vortex of questioning whether you were a good parent. The fact that you found this site tells me that you are a loving and good parent. Parents that don't care do not come here. As parents we have all made mistakes but none of them warrant the disrespect that they show to us. At some point our children start making decisions for themselves.
    Your daughter blaming you for her drug addiction is also typical behavior. I highly doubt that you tied her down and forced drugs into her system. Your daughter made a choice, a very poor choice to engage in using drugs. You have offered her help with rehab but until she wants to change nothing will change for her.

    I know this is hard for you. It's heartbreaking watching our children self destruct. It's not easy to accept that we have no power over them or the choices they make in how they are living their lives but it is through acceptance that we can move on.

    If you have not done so, I highly suggest you attend an Al-Anon meeting. Here is a link to find a meeting.

    I also suggest you read this article on detachment.

    Detaching does not mean that we no longer love our adult difficult child, it just means that we no longer allow them to hold our emotions hostage and abuse us.

    The most important thing is that you need to take care of yourself. You need to feel safe in your home. If your daughter continues to try and get in our hang around you may have to call the police.

    Please keep posting and let us know how things are going, we really do care.

    ((HUGS)) to you................................
  13. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you so much for your thoughts. I was cleaning my garage yesterday and noticed my whole stereo sound system is gone So there is no telling what else is missing. I know I can't let her and her boyfriend back in my home, but I worry their on the streets. I just can't believe my daughter would steel and lie to me. Thanks again Donna
  14. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you for your advice. I love my daughter, and I only wanted the best for her. I know that if her dad was alive, he would have told me I've done the right thing. He did enamel her a lot. If I said no, he said yes. If I didn't give her money he did. I told her she needed a job while in college he disagreed. Sometimes I fault him and I know I should t do that. He was a good man and I loved him very much. She was completely attached to him, and he gave into her for everything. I did an intervention, he was very angry about it. He constantly said she wasn't on drugs. He was on total denial over her drug addiction until he died. I loved him, but sometimes I feel like he didn't stand by my side while I was trying to help her. I feel like now I'm paying the price. Is it wrong to feel this way?
  15. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Donna, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with your daughter on your own. When I read the part about noticing your stereo from the garage was gone, I was mad for you.
    Forgive your late husband, he was only trying to express love in his own way, and his overlooking of your daughter's problems cannot be undone now.
    I wonder what it will take for you to let your daughter go, and for her to suffer the consequences on her own? She has stolen from you and caused you untold grief, and you worry about her well being, but is she worrying about your well being?
    You are a kind and loving mother. I hope you find the strength to set firm boundaries. Your daughter needs to know what they are, so that she can hopefully change her ways.

  16. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    I forgive my husband, but I have a hard time excepting the outcome of it all. I just feel he didn't stand by my side. I found 15 cans of empty computer spray bottles wrapped in bags of her bedroom , and I confronted him about it. I put all the cans on the table and told him she was huffing the spray, and he still denied she had a problem. I resent the fact no matter how I tried to help her, he gave into her. I appreciate your advice, and know I need to let go, but it is eating me up. I understand he loved her, but I feel he was part of her problem. I know I shouldn't feel that way, but she never had any respect for me at all, and him for the matter too. I appreciate all the input, and I pray I can let go of it all and go on with my life.
  17. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I hope you do understand that she is stealing to sell items for drug money. I have no idea what they use but I'd be afraid that one or both might get violent while high. If it were me both would be gone but the boyfriend would have never lived under my roof. Your house is YOUR house, your castle, your sanctuary. Your daughter is enough of a risk. Her boyfriend?? You owe him nothing and you with what your daughter is doing, you don't owe her either.

    If anyone else you knew treated you like your daughter, would you offer them a place to stay? The homeless community is close and they try to help one another. There are shelters and plenty of pantries. Most on the street use drugs. Until your daughter truly wants to quit, she won't.

    But I hope so much that she does get tired of the crazy drug life and decided to stop. That's what happened you daughter who used from age 12 (yes 12) to 19. She is 33 now, clean and sober.

    It can happen. It is up to her but it can happen.

    For yourself, I would go to Al Anon or private therapy to be nice to yourself and to learn to cope during this.
  18. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

  19. Donna illig

    Donna illig Member

    Thank you for your advice. Her boyfriend was suppose to only the weekend, but he never left. I felt trapped then. I didn't think he was using. He didn't look like most of the guys she had seen. He was well dressed, and was educated. He sure fooled me. I opened my back door one nite to let my dogs out. They were laying on my porch. As soon as o seen them I told them to leave. She asked me for a blanket. When o woke up they were gone. Every time I open my back door now I look through the blinds. I'm afraid their going to come back. I knew if I let them in, they would not have left. I haven't been replying to her nasty messages at all. I wished it would all just go away. I appreciate your help and I believe this cite can help me. Thanks! Donna
  20. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    I think what you are feeling is very normal. You and your husband did not see eye to eye which is not uncommon. I think sometimes it's so hard for a man to see his daughter as anything but his "sweet little girl" I went through something very similar with my son. While I was not blind to his drug use and antics, I still saw him as my "little boy". I was able to stop my enabling when I started seeing him as a grown man.
    There are so many parents that just have blinders on and never want to see or admit that their child could be an addict or thief. It's not easy to accept that our children, those sweet little children have turned into people that we really don't know.
    My husband and I had many disagreements over the years on how to deal with our son. We finally found some common ground and became united in how we deal with him. We have been dealing with our son and his chaos for 24 years.
    I'm sorry you are left to deal with your daughter on your own. I know you love her and worry about her but there is nothing you can do to make her change. You still have your life to live.
    None of this is easy but it is something you can get through.