Adult children

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by ggasmcw, Jun 10, 2016.

  1. ggasmcw

    ggasmcw New Member

    My adult child (30 something) has always had some anxiety issues, possibly ADD, no motiviation, always reactive, never proactive. They have been near homelessness off and on for year. She lived out of state and I helped as much as I could. She recently moved back to our hometown. She is now a single mother with three children. We are not sure how to help her. We tried having her live with us for a while and teach her how to be a productive citizen but she can't/won't. She is able to work part time. We finally got her an apartment and paid her rent. She reconnected with an old boyfriend and moved him in. We told her we would not pay her rent with him living there. He cannot/will not hold a job so now they are basically homeless again. I think they are living in her car. It breaks my heart for her children, but we just do not know how to help. They would like a better live but just seem unable to figure out what to do about it. Suggestions? Ideas?
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome to our forum. If you would jump over to Parent Emeritus and read the stories there, you will see that you are both not alone and how many other parents handle these failure to thrive adult children, some who sadly have their own kids. Some grandparents try to get custody of the grandchildren. Some call cops or a lawyer the get that ball rolling. They are innocent in this. Your daughter however is an adult. Whole other story in my eyes

    I personally would not financially care for or pay rent for a 30 year old adult child because that just encourages lack of motivation and dependence. They have no reason to grow up. Is there a reason your daughter can't work to support herself? Is she ill? Disabled? Have a restrictive diagnosis?

    If so, she can apply for SSI, housing, welfare, food stamps and medical assistance. If this is all she wants from her life, this is what the end will be anyway as none of us can live forever. Sounds like she makes bad choices and could also use therapy and perhaps a social worker to help her learn to do life. I have a high functioning autistic son who will be 23 soon and these services were great for him...He is really fast tracking now, lives all alone, has a job, is kind and caring and makes awesome choices. He is very happy and well adjusted, autism or not. Adult kids sometimes listen to others whereas they usually throw toddler tantrums if we tell them anything or set any boundaries, like no more money. The using us as the Bank of America is an issue for most with unmotivated adult children. Many stop the flow or restrict it.

    I think it's not good if daughter ever lives with you. The grandchildren, yes, and if you want custody, go for it. No boyfriend of any sort would use my house. Period. Do not let anyone, including your daighter, have so much power over you that there is no more YOU left. You and your husband and peace in your sanctuary (your home) matter. She should not be ruling how you live or taking up all your thoughts. Therapy could help both of you with clarity issues.

    Anyway I'd hop on over to Parent Emeritus. Plenty of experience and advice on that forum.

    Hugs for your hurting heart!
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    Last edited: Jun 10, 2016
  3. MommaK

    MommaK Member

    My sister is 31 with 2 kids and another on the way. She lives with the childrens father who is abusive towards her. He does drugs and when he has a job it's for a farmer that provides housing and utilities, because his money is for his drugs. They have lived in so many different places it's not even funny. My mom and step dad and my dad have helped her leave him and she continues to go back within a week. We have suspected she uses drugs also. All of my parents got to the point they said we will help the kids but you are on your own. She and the childrens father were reported more than once to CPS for neglect and abuse. Finally they were reported this last time and CPS removed the kids and gave them to my mom. My sister moved in to my mom's with the kids and in a week was gone back to the boyfriend. The process to reunite the kids with my sister and their father was started. They both failed drug tests, no surprise there. Neither have done any of what CPS ask them to do to get the kids back. CPS is recommending my mom be given full permanent custody of the kids. My sister got pregnant after the kids were placed with my mom and if she and/or the back y test positive at birth the baby will also be placed with my mom. My mom, for her sanity, had to take the approach of you are an adult and your choices are yours to make, but the kids are innocent and I will do my best to give them a good life. She had to recognize she can do nothing about my adult sister and her mistakes, but she can help the kids. My mom is now about to retire the end of this month, raising an 8 year old, soon to be 3 year old, and probably a new born around Christmas. She took early retirement so she can raise grand kids.
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  4. ggasmcw

    ggasmcw New Member

    I am so thankful to find this site!! She is moving to another town with her kids. I am so so thankful. I am sure her life will continue the way it has always gone but at least we won't see it everyday. We decided years ago that all we could do was give the grands some good experiences and try to show them that these are the type experiences they can have if they will stay in school and get some job training. It was so so hard seeing the way they live day in and day out. I had to sort of insist she leave. I told her either the boyfriend moves out or they would all need to leave...and they are all leaving. It is what it is.
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  5. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, G!

    It's sad, but none of us can force our adult kids to live life the way we would like them to, the way that would make their lives immeasurably better.

    If there was a way, we would have done it.

    Stay with us, G. We are in this together.

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  6. so ready to live

    so ready to live Active Member

    Hi G.
    It really is much harder to see day to day. We also have a grandson through our son, that is the lost relationship I most grieve. I am grateful for grandson that he lives with other grandma instead of parents.
    This is true, although we feels it's better for our grandson to be where he is, we do see that in taking him in the other grandma has allowed our son and girlfriend to take no responsibility for the life they created. She took him as an infant four yrs. ago. Such a mess, isn't it?
    I saw in your postscript that you are pastor/teacher couple. We were pastor/nurse and once counselor told us "a bad combo-due to both are fixers" We make things right don't we? and better? And there's nothing you can do to can't fix this hard. Prayers.
  7. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    My heart goes out to you ~ to all of us.

    I am glad you found this site. I have been here for so many years, now. I don't know what I would have done, without the support and understanding here.

    With some differences, these could be my story, too. The thing that helped me the most going through it was the other parents here. No one who has not lived this can possibly understand what is happening to us and to our kids and our grands (!) and our marriages and the way we see ourselves. We did not take legal custody of our grands. If I were going to do that though, I would do it the way MommaK's mother is doing it: Nothing can be done about the adult. Save the kids. That is an impossible position, too.

    Welcome to this warm, safe place.

  8. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi G and welcome. I am so sorry for your need to be here. I am in and out nowadays, my dear hubs recently passed and I am trying hard to deal with all that comes with losing my mate. Much of our struggles with health had to do with the heartache of our twos choices in life and the desperation of the helping/enabling cycle. When I found this site almost a year ago, my daughter and three grands had just made a horrendous, dramatic exodus from our home and I had had enough. It was a smack in the face realization that nothing changes if nothing changes.
    I completely understand this. It is hard to deal with the daily chaos of our d cs choices, especially with grands involved.
    I understand this as well. Some grandparents are fortunate to have the wherewithal to raise their grands. This was not the case for us. One factor was that agencies promote unification. Our daughter and her boyfriend were able to pull it together enough to keep custody, but to this day are struggling with their own issues and raising their kids. I love them all, but find it to be very toxic to have them near. When they come to visit it is as if a hurricane has borne down upon my home. The "parents" constantly argue, and since this is modeled for the kids, so do they. The energy surrounding them is frenetic and I find myself getting wound up into a tangled ball of stress. Not good. I have declared my home a peace zone and plead for respect and decency, if that cannot happen, they are not welcome to visit. It is a hard journey to travel and I am sorry that you are experiencing a similar fate. In my hubs culture, it is customary for multi generations to live together and care for one another. So, the thought of "putting the kids out" is very foreign. But, in the old days, the emphasis was on everyone contributing. This did not happen with my d cs and the burden we bore was immense and insufferable. I would gladly have them if it were otherwise. We do live in difficult times, but it is unacceptable to carry the load, and give until we are heartbroken and desperate. Somehow, they will have to get it together, but not at the expense of the sanctuary our homes are meant to be for us. It is not selfish. It is important for these parents to get their act together. I am no longer "rescue" gramma. I want to be cookie baking gramma.

    Yes indeed, it is what it is. I am glad you have come here to share your story. I hope and pray that one day, they will wake up. I realize, that it is not my job to house and feed them until they do. There are agencies and shelters out there to help. My daughter thought she would come home with the kids after hubs passed. I told her that this time if her intentions were to leave her boyfriend, to go to a DV shelter and get help for herself and her kids, that we had tried so many times to help to no avail. Nothing changes, if nothing changes. Stay strong G, you are so not alone. Life is short and we deserve peace in our hearts and homes.
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    Last edited: Jun 15, 2016
  9. Fran

    Fran Former desparate mom

    Adult children bring a whole new set of problems that's for sure. They don't have to listen to us and we can't force them to do what is right for them. I can distance myself for a while then I find myself wanting to bang my head against the wall. Good luck.