Adult daughter not at home steals jewelry from mom and money and medication from grandmother.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by SLC, Nov 1, 2017.

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Suggestions or advice?

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  1. SLC

    SLC New Member

    My 32 year old daughter ok asked me to babysit her 3 year old for a couple hours. I had to leave the house unexpectedly so asked my 84 year old mother to come over until I returned. My mom and granddaughter were on the porch. My daughter had returned and was in the house alone. My daughter was already not trusted before this incident. When my mom realized daughter was inside house alone she went inside. My daughter left soon after. A few hours later after mom was home she called to tell me that $200 along with pain medicine for her back was gone from her purse. I asked my daughter and she denied stealing. The next day I noticed a lot of my jewelry is missing. I asked my daughter denied stealing at first then said she took it because she has a gambling problem, it's gone and can't get it back. Jewelry included wedding ring from my ex and his ring too. An expensive chain from Greece. Other sentimental pieces that can't be replaced and some costume jewelry. Daughter has had substance abuse problems in the past and probably still does. She has had behavior problems and constantly loses jobs and has been diagnosed as bipolar. She and significant other always have money problems. Daughter has two girls 9 and 3 years old. She seems to have no remorse. I want no contact with daughter and can't believe she has done this to me. There have been two incidents involving money and a car loan with grandmother on her dad's side.
     
  2. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Welcome you are not alone. I suggest you buy a safe and lock everything up at all times. We do this even our wallets phones and car keys now.

    Your daughters children are they well looked after?

    I would call the police and have her charged. I know this is tough to do I have done it with my own son. At the very least she could tell you where the items were pawned so you can attempt to retrieve them.

    If she stole pain Mesa from her elderly GM it is likely she still has a substance problem.

    There are many people here facing the same issues you are.

    All of us here have Difficult Child AC or children with MH issues, young or adult children. You are in a good place.

    Get some help and protect yourself. If you give her avenues to steal it feeds her habit.

    Take good care of yourself.
     
  3. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    Dear SLC, I came to this forum recently because of my 35 year old bipolar daughter that recently stole over $7,000.00 from us. I have such a horrid mix of emotions and most of the emotions are my own blame for making it easy for her to do this. I thought her bad behavior was behind her. It took my daughter many years to earn my trust and now it is shattered in a million pieces. I am so sorry for you. I know the intense grief and agony you feel over this. I am so sorry.
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If my kid stole from me, i would call the police. Nothing is gained if she gets away with it. When she steals from strangers, it will be worse. Obviously drugs are a big problem.

    I dont blame you for wanting to disconnect. If she is a neglegient or abusive mother call CPS. The kids need protection.

    This soumds awful. I am so sorry.
     
  5. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    SLC, wow, your situation sounds a lot like my BFFs and, unfortunately, that of so many others. So, so sorry that you are having to go through this. My BFF has gone to a counselor and a psychotherapist, but her very manipulative/lying/stealing/criminal daughter still manipulates her. The daughter I refer to as S***** is 48, she cries to "Mommy" and immediately my BFF bails her out, etc. I agree with the other members who have said to call the police.......she needs to face the consequences for her behavior. You and your grand-daughters will be in my thoughts and prayers...
     
  6. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    What would you do if a stranger broke into your house, stole your mother’s money and pain medications, and your irreplaceable jewelry?
     
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  7. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Call the police. Make a police report and have Grandma make one also. Grandma MUST MUST MUST make a report about the medications. This is a legal issue and Grandma can get into trouble if she does not report the stolen medication. I don't know if her doctor can replace her medication or not. I do know that if he has a police report, he may be able to refill her medication early. Without that report, there is zero chance he can replace the medication early. With a chronic back problem, Grandma probably needs her medication every day. If she does not have it she will go into withdrawal. That is excruciating, miserable and dangerous, especially at her age. She will probably have to have a safe to lock her medication in after this. Most doctors will require this after medication is stolen. I am a patient in pain management and these are some of the things my doctor requires. Many of them are required by law, not by my doctor.

    This is NOT punishing your daughter. You are in no way being mean to your daughter by calling police. You are actually helping her and being loving to her. Yes, I know that idea blows your mind. How is it loving to report someone to the cops and have them arrested and maybe give them a police record? You are giving her the logical consequences of her actions. The natural consequences. She will have to cope with what happens when you steal, even when you steal from family. If you have a drug problem and you steal, you get arrested. As parents, your job is to raise a responsible and contributing member of society. If she is stealing, gambling and using drugs, she clearly is not responsible or contributing. Therefore, she needs the consequences of her actions so that she can learn that she is doing the wrong thing. Having her parents tell her to stop that and change her ways isn't working. Consequences need to be stepped up a notch.

    This actually isn't you doing anything to her. She is CHOOSING this, not you. Sure, you are calling the police. Anyone who was robbed would call the police, wouldn't they? Isn't that the logical thing to do? To call the cops and your insurance company? That jewelry had to be expensive. If it was pawned, you might get it back. If you can find the name of the pawn shop, you can have the cops go there and look for the jewelry. It is a long shot, but it is a shot. Chances are your daughter will talk to the cops even though she would not talk to you. It is a whole other thing to be arrested and interrogated by the police than it is to have Mom and Dad ask what you did with some things you took from the house. You are just going to do the logical thing since you were robbed. If they arrest your daughter, that is her problem. It was her CHOICE to steal from you and her grandmother. That means it is HER choice to be charged for stealing from you. You certainly didn't open your house and ask her to take anything she could carry off without you noticing it!! Don't do the crime if you cannot do the time!!

    If she has a key to your home, or ever had one at any time, please change the locks. It would be easy for her to have made a copy of the key and hidden it outside somewhere. Then she could come in anytime you were not home. If she got angry with you, she could come in and do anything. Or take anything. Also check the credit report for you, your husband and your mother. Do this as often as you can. Another thing difficult kids do is get credit cards and other things in their parents' names so they can do what they want while not worrying about having to pay for it. It isn't their credit they are ruining, is it? I am sorry you have to do these things. It stinks to have to even worry about your child doing something like this to you. Sadly, our difficult kids can do so much to us, especially with their computers!

    In the future, always meet your daughter in a public place. Never allow her to come to your home. You can take the children there, but tell your daughter that you will bring the kids to her. Consider getting a restraining order so that she cannot come to your home. It is a huge step to take, so you have to really think before you take it.
     
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  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi SLC, I'm so sorry for what you are going through but know that you are not alone.

    So many of us here have had our own children steal from us and then lie. I have had my son arrested for stealing from us. Not an easy call to make but it's necessary. The way I look at it; if a stranger stole from me I would not hesitate to call the police so why should it be any different just because it's my child.

    @susiestar gave you some great advice!! I agree with everything she said.

    Hang in there!!
    :notalone:
     
  9. TweetyD

    TweetyD New Member

    Done Dad, excellent point. And, as Tanya M. and many others have done, reporting the CRIME to the police is necessary. susiestar, your in-depth knowledge, sharing, and concern is amazing. So many caring people on this website. I wish my BFF would become more computer literate, but I doubt she would take much to heart.
     
  10. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    A little horror story about medication theft.

    Many years ago, about a year and half before my husband died, he was on very heavy duty pain medications, including fentanyl and dilaudid.

    Because we didn't have any children, or have children around, we didn't think about locking up the medications, syringes for other medications, etc.

    We had a family gathering that my late brother in law's son from a previous marriage attended.

    After folks had left, I went to get husband's medications and discovered that all the narcotics and syringes were missing.

    I called the police. brother in law told them that he suspected his son had taken them.

    The next day, he tried to phone his son several times and got no answer. He finally drove over to son's apartment and pounded on the door, still no answer.

    He called the police and the police had the building mgr open the apartment. His son was dead. With a needle in his arm.

    Cause of death. Fentanyl and dilaudid overdose. He had somehow managed to extract the fentanyl from the patches, combine with dissolved dilaudid pills, and according to the autopsy results, was dead before he finished the injection. It was the fentanyl that killed him.

    husband went to his grave feeling like he'd killed the boy. Needless to say, after that, all medications were locked up.

    The rest of the medications and syringes were found in nephew's apartment.

    husband still had a hard time getting refills, but was able to as we had the police report. Luckily, we had a week's supply of medications and syringes held seperately, so husband didn't go into withdrawal before we got the medications replaced.

    Warn your mother, and please, all of you, secure your medications. You never know.
     
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  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Some sad folk are 85 and still supporting, enabling, excusing, living with and being abused by 65 year old "children." This happens too often.

    None of us want to be that women, do we?

    At some point we must say "i am your mother now, somebody you must respect, not your mommy who kisses your boo boos"...or that 85 year old could be us. I personally have and would give my kids leeway until 21, then it tapers off and by 30 ...no more from me. Nada. You are soon to be middle aged and I retire from the title of Mommy. For their sakes as well as mine.

    There has to be an age limit when they are on their own, for better or worst, even if it means they chose to ignore government services and all responsibility and decide to sleep on a park bench and panhandle during the day because they choose not to work. We cant make them hard workers.

    Saying goodbye to trying our fixes is better than trying to still staple together our 30--40 year old adult men and women. We will die one day. We are not young. We dont know when this will happen.

    They need to have something in place, even if we wish it were different, before we leave. We have to set in my opinion an age limit when Mommy exists no more. Mother is a friend and wise advisor, if called upon, but she doesnt let Junior abuse her and she doesnt wipe his messes up if he has an accident. And she has a rich life of her own :)
     
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    Last edited: Nov 2, 2017
  12. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    @GoingNorth how horrible!! Your story is confirmation that the police must be called asap if medications are stolen.
    Thank you for sharing this information. It's also a good reminder to keep medication locked up. When you have people in your home you just never know what could be going on. I'm thinking of all the holiday's I've hosted parties or backyard bbq's and never gave a thought to this. Someone could easily go into the bathroom or bedroom and find medication and steal it. I mean when you have a large group of people in your home you don't always know where they are.
     
  13. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    How tragic and so very true I never thought twice even in the throws of great BS with my son that he would steal medication from me. I had major reconstructive surgery in May...you guessed it he stole my Oxy. Unreal. I don't know how I would have coped if he had ODd on that. He did OD but on other substances.
     
  14. GoingNorth

    GoingNorth Crazy Cat Lady

    It didn't occur to us, either.

    Naturally, when we had friends with children over, we put all the "medical stuff" out of reach, but it never occurred to us that someone would search through the nightstand drawers for drugs.

    And we wouldn't have thought anything weird about anyone going into our bedroom as that was serving as the "coat and purse room".

    We never thought to ask if any of our guests had had anything stolen out of their purses or coats/jackets. I assume not, as believe me, with my family, we would've heard about it...LOUDLY.

    It was very tragic. His father never really got over it. His son was a difficult child in spades, and an addict. Had his father told us he was an addict, all medications would've been locked up before son set foot in the house, but we had no idea.