Advice please

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Lisapleez, Apr 29, 2017.

  1. Lisapleez

    Lisapleez New Member

    Hello, I'm new here and am in need of something... My 23 year old daughter went thru a breakup a year and a half ago. She lost her job her home everything. She and her 2 children stayed with my husband (step dad) and I until they got into an argument and made her leave. She slept in her car until it got towed. Then she slept wherever, outside my moms apartment, in a shed etc... She has been back living with us for 6 months. She has her 2 children during the week. She has legal problems from driving with suspended license. She is smoking meth, hasn't looked for a job or tried to better her situation. My husband says I need to kick her out or he's leaving. My issues; I think she has a learning disability or something, she is easily frustrated and overwhelmed. She can only earn minimum wage, she has an eviction and her credit score is shot. So if I kick her out even if she had a job she will have no place to go. I don't know what to do.. There is much more of course but I need advice...
  2. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, Lisa,

    Your daughter needs to get acquainted with local social services. A women's shelter might be where she needs to go, and maybe they can get her into drug rehab and mental health/mental disability services.

    It is clear that you can't continue to let her stay in your home, but helping her to get to a shelter and get signed up for community services would be fine, and probably much more helpful in the long run.

    I can't blame your husband for not wanting to live that way any longer. No one should have to live in chaos.

    Others will come along with suggestions, but the weekends are usually slow.

    Stay with us...

  3. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    If she is disabled, she should apply for disability. Along with Disability you get Medicare, a casemanager who can help with housing (there is subsifized housing) and life skills, and the ability to find work thru the Dept. Of Workforce Development to supplement Disability income and other help. Is is possible her main problem is meth?

    Nobody should have to tolerate drug abuse in the house and bad behavior/choices by an adult. At your stage of life in my opinion it is better for you to chose your husband over continuing to try mothering adult daughter who will not cooperate. I have an autistic son who, with disability and part time jobs, lives independently in his own cute apartment (not even subsidized). We tried to foster independence in him as we cant live forever. He takes care of his oen needs and this is a 23 year old man who did not talk or potty until age five and whom we were told will never be independent, but he is. He almost never calls us for help, although he knows he can.

    At some point in lives we have to do what is best for us because we are just as important as our adult children and our adult children need to find ways to live without us. This is a fact...we will leave them one day. Then what?

    Sending you the best of luck...
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    Last edited: Apr 29, 2017
  4. DoneDad

    DoneDad Active Member

    Who has the kids on weekends? The dad? Is he paying child support?

    It sounds like she's dug herself into a pretty deep hole. Maybe look into women's shelters as apple PRI said, give her the information, and let her know she can go or not, but she won't be living with you anymore.

    Are you able and willing to care for the two kids? Is your husband on board? Be honest with yourself. Two kids is a lot of work and expense to take on. Maybe the dad will have to step up.
    You say these are your issues, but really they're her issues. You don't smoke meth. You didn't drive with a suspended license. You didn't ruin her credit.

    Your issues are you have a meth user living in your house and your husband is threatening to leave. These are issues you can resolve. You can't make her stop smoking meth, get a job, or anything else (except move out).

    At 23 with 2 kids, your daughter is an adult. As much as you might want to, you can't fix all her problems for her. Only she can do that.
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    It is impossible to evaluate your daughter's diagnoses and functioning as long as she uses meth. Meth use causes meth psychosis and the effects can be enduring. You must understand that by allowing her to stay with you or supporting her in any way while she continues meth use, is to support her use of meth.

    It may be she had a learning disability, but now she has a serious addiction. Many, many people quit meth and live stable and productive lives. Your daughter can, too. But not if you protect her without conditions. There is no guarantee that she will change, but there is little chance if you continue to enable her drug use. I am sorry to be harsh but the reality of her situation (and your own) is harsh.
    All of this can be related to drug use. I would not harbor her if she continues active drug use. There will be help through your County Mental Health Department, if you are in the USA.
    I would do the same.

    I am sorry you are in this horribly painful situation. I hope you keep posting. You will find here, I believe, the support and the skills to change.
  6. Lisapleez

    Lisapleez New Member

    Thank you all.. I know you are all right. It is so hard. I keep thinking if I tell her she has to go and she is on the streets that something could happen to her. The kids dad has them part time. No he doesn't pay support. She has applied for TANF which is cash assistance and snap benefits. She lost the cash assistance because you have requirements such as attending classes looking for a job etc.. and she didn't comply. I have told her she can go to a shelter she refuses. I feel guilty. I have 3 other kids 2 older and 1 younger and they all have just turned their back on her. And tell me to do the same. It is just heart breaking and I feel I should fix it.. but I can't.. I'm just at a loss.. she gets so angry and yells and calls me names.. she won't go to a dr or anything.. I appreciate all of the feedback. I am just struggling with how it's right to leave her out in the cold..
  7. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Is it right for her to refuse to comply with conditions to get benefits and abuse you? Is it fair to your other kids to give her this attention when she is destroying her life and yours too? They love you. Thats why they turned their backs on her...the way she uses you.

    Its getting toward spring and not so cold. It is her decision if she refuses to follow shelter rules and prefers noplace to go. I am very tough because doing so REALLY helped my difficult kids turn it around. Would you let your husband stay with you if he treated you like your daughter does? No, it isnt different. It is domestic abuse from a family member who is a fully grown adult.
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    Last edited: Apr 29, 2017
  8. Teriobe

    Teriobe Active Member

    The others are right, she needs to go. The sooner she goes and hits bottom the faster she will get help. Dont waste time letting her live with you cuz she will continue to use and etc. Its just spinning wheels. Nothing will get better. Many of us tried and it was a waste of time. Stick with your family. Dont lose them over someone who is soo selfish to only worry about her next high. And not ready to work to get better. I know how you feel with a child of yours homeless, i have been there lots of times. I will pray for you
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  9. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    How do you save somebody who does not want to be saved? She has to have the motivation to put in at least an iota of energy into saving herself, before your efforts will help her.
    The thing is this: is she safe now? Is anything you are doing, have done, will do, helping her?

    Of course you can keep on trying. Are you convinced this is the right thing for her? Has it worked so far? What will change? She must want to change. That is the key.

    It sounds like you cannot forgive yourself. That what is motivating you is guilt. Not fear. Because the risks to me seem greater continuing as you are. I am sorry. Sometimes there are no good choices, just the best of bad ones.

    You deserve more than self-sacrifice, and the sacrifice of your marriage. Your daughter does too. If you sacrifice yourself, and your husband, I fear it will make it harder for her, not easier. I am sorry.

    Your daughter needs to see you choosing for yourself, for your family--this will model to her that she can be strong. She needs this from you.

    Many of us have found the strength to do this hard, hard thing, which really, I think, is the epitome of love and self-sacrifice, turning our kids away when they are self-destructing. Which is to say this: I will not tolerate your self-abuse and-self-destructive behavior near me, or in my house.

    This does not mean your love has limits. On the contrary, it is to say, I love you so much that I will do the hardest thing in the world. At the cost of my own heart, I will insist that you save yourself.
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    Last edited: Apr 29, 2017
  10. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    Copa....what a beautiful post and so very very true. Hugs to all for this difficult road we all find ourselves on. It gives me great peace to know that we are walking this together in spirit and gives me great strength to carry on.
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  11. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member


    You can't fix your daughter.

    If you could, you already would have.

    Only she can fix her life.

    There are programs available, but she has to want to, first.

    This is a sad truth we all have had to face.

    Please don't give up your happiness by allowing her to continue living in your house, using drugs, and terrorizing the household. It won't help.

    You aren't leaving her out in the cold. There are shelters she can go to. It is not your problem that she doesn't want to go to one. We all have to do things we don't want to do. It is not your job to provide her the accommodations of her choice. Please try to remember that.

    It is also not good for her to be allowed to put the responsibility for her life onto you. Don't be held hostage by your fears.

    Most of us have been where you are.

    We kicked my step-son out at age 18. He went to live with his mom, went back and forth between our house, her house, friends houses, renting rooms (we pitched in for), got kicked out of all of the places, till finally we all had enough.

    Interestingly, he has managed on his own better than he ever did living with any of us. He now has had a "real" job for the last five months, and is doing well (real as in, working for an actual business that drug-tests, pays by direct deposit every other week, and follows labor laws). He worked for the last two years, but with pretty sketchy outfits.

    He has even told his dad that kicking him out is the best thing that ever happened to him. He thinks he would be either in jail, dead, or possibly just existing on our basement with no job and using drugs if we hadn't forced him to support himself.

    And, he was the laziest person I have ever met. He had no pride in himself, no confidence in himself. Now, he has changed so much. He has that confident air about him. The confidence that can only be gained by accomplishment. He was clean and groomed, happy and proud of himself. It was beautiful to witness.

    Nothing changes if nothing changes.

    Let us know how you are doing, Lisa.

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