Am I doing the right thing?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Big Bad Kitty, Mar 4, 2009.

  1. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Tink woke up today and said she did not feel good.

    First it was her throat, then it was her stomach. Then it was because she thought she would throw up. Also she was tired. She had an answer for everything.

    I offered pain killers, cough drops, a massage. Nope, she was JUST not feeling good.

    OK, fine. You are sick? You keep your hot little butt in your room. No computer, no crafts, and no playtime with mom.

    Well of course as the day goes on she is not that sick. If I had a car, believe you me, I would have carted her right to school. But part of me thinks this is better. She needs to understand that a day off from school is not a day off from life. I want her to not want to stay home.

    Let me clarify by saying that in the past 4 weeks, she has had 4 days off (holidays, institute, etc) plus I have kept her home twice (once for not feeling well, once for a mental health day). On the day she was not feeling well, she slept all day. The other days, we did stuff together. It was like a free saturday. I think that she as expecting another fun day out of school with me if she stayed home today.

    She has been constantly trying to manipulate me into playing with her. Or she comes in my room and lays on my bed (like she owns the place) and says "at least I am laying down" and I keep shooing her off to her room. She is also telling me that the REAL reason she wanted to stay home is because she is upset about her dad. She is presently sobbing uncontrollably in her room (and it sounds SOOOO forced). I have suggested writing a letter to him or drawing him a picture. No, she wants to be with me and talk about it. Which is great, I WANT her to talk about it. But after about 42 seconds she starts talking about how bored she is, and can't I just give her her Easter gifts early.

    Yes, EASTER gifts! She just got a care package from a dear friend of mine yesterday, ocmplete with a toy dog, baseball caps, hair accessories, stickers, all kinds of goodies, and she is asking me for a toy.

    So I keep making her go back to her room. And she is throwing things and screaming about how mean I am. ANd then telling me how sorry she is.

    I am making her stay in her room as a consequence, not as punishment (oh no, I am the one being punished here, folks). Is this what any of you would do?

    I also want to mention that she goes to the nurses office every. single. day. at school. Her this hurts, her that hurts, someone looked at her crosseyed, yadda yadda yadda. I think she made herself throw up one day last week.

    A cry for attention? Am I correct in not feeding into it? Would any of you do something different?
  2. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Is she anxious about something -- or could it just be a general anxiety?

    I think either way, you shouldn't play into it. But something is making her seek out the attention and it might help if you can figure out what it is and try to address it.
  3. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Hi Kitty!

    It sounds like she is being a drama queen and looking for the extra attention she might get for being sick.

    I think you should put her to bed....really tuck her in. Tell her you are going to go do something while she naps. Close the blinds...close the door...leave the room. Then you go "work" on something....preferably something quiet and boring like typing or reading. When she comes out of her room to make it clear that if she doesn't take a nap to feel better then you are going to have to take her right to the doctors office for a complete physical (you know, where he really has to examine EVERYTHING to make sure there aren't any bumps or lumps or rashes or hot spots...etc etc etc).

    If you end up having to go to the pediatrician? So be it.

    It is NOT fun to be sick. That's the point.

  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Marg has a saying "School work during school time". what she means (and I agree with) is that if you are sick you stay IN BED. You can do workbooks or read textbook type things if you are not sleeping. Or if they do a reading program she can read her book for that.

    But a day off from school because you are sick should NOT be a "Fun" day. Since her tummy hurts and her throat hurts and she might barf, she needs to be IN BED, with a bowl to barf in. She doesn't want to make you sick, so she needs to keep her germs IN BED.

    AFTER school hours she can talk with Mommy, she can do a CALM activity like snuggle up with a movie (IF she has stayed in bed so she is "well" enough).

    But NO crafts, computer, video games, toys, etc... are approved. Only chicken soup to eat, or weak tea and dry toast - foods you eat when you are SICK.

    This is what I do with thank you when he is playing sick. Of course, he LOVES school and rarely does that. I also do it with Jessie and have done it with Wiz.

    If they get the message that a day off of school is for fun, and playing with Mommy, there will be a LOT more days off school because she is "sick".

    I DO loosen up some if thank you is really sick. I can tell because he actually SLEEPS when he is sick, otherwise he doesn't ever sleep during the day. But the loosening up ONLY happens in the late afternoon.

    I am sorry Tink is being so difficult. This is part of getting control of the house back from her, I am afraid.

    Anyway, hope you day is good.
  5. totoro

    totoro Mom? What's a GFG?

    How is she?
    We are lucky in that K never wants to just stay home. Either she is completely unstable or truly sick.

    But I would have not fed into it either. I would have done the, "Oh honey I am so sorry you are sick" then the Mommy doesn't want to get to sick and tuck her in, set her up in bed with juice etc. Close the blinds all of that just like Susie said.
    Later do the calm and minimal play, *because she is sick*.
    "You want her to get better, and you are so worried about her!"
    I wouldn't argue, you may even pretend to call the Doctor and tell her this is what the doctor said to do.... tee-hee.

    I would bring this up with the therapist, it could be Anxiety, K gets to where she doesn't want to leave the house on weekends when she is very anxious.
    It could be a bit of all of the stresses over the past few months and her looking for you to make it better, and a bit of her trying to manipulate you.
    We all know our sweet little girls love to work us Moms.

    it is nice to see you back, sorry Tink is struggling.
  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    My Mothers Rule
    My Rule -

    If you are too sick to do what you should be doing when you should be doing it you shouldn't be doing anything other than sleeping or laying in your bed.

    If you are seeing a pattern - I would call the school and ask them to send someone mid-day to come get her. (I am the meanie) or find cab fare and she would go.

    Fortunately with this stay in your room logic? It doesnt' take too many times of doing it - to get your point and my Mothers rule across.
  7. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Thanks everyone.

    I knew I was doing the right thing. I just needed some reassurance. The way she carried on, I started to second guess myself. I was starting to feel guilty, and like it was sooo cruel to leave her in her room ("to rot" as she put it). In the past, I would say to myself "well it couldn't hurt if she just did this or that" and I'm sure she thought if she pushed me hard enough, I would give in.

    That is why we are where we are today. But I did not give in! And she is "definitely going to school tomorrow, mommy"

    Thank you everyone!
  8. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Proud of you for sticking to your guns, Kitty! It is hard work, isn't it?

    I hope Tink learned from this, and that she really DOES go to school tomorrow!
  9. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Boy, sounds familiar! Is she taking lessons from my difficult child?

    I think you did the right thing. I definitely agree with DaisyFace and others, that you have to go to work on something. I usually paint at my drawing board of type on the computer. Sometimes I pay bills.

    It's got to look like real work or they don't "get it."

    Good luck!
  10. cadydid

    cadydid New Member

    I think you are right in not playing into it.. My daughters both try this.. I say ok fine stay home.. Before I go to work, I turn all the tv's they have access to to CNN, MSN, or some other boring network and take all the remotes with me to work. We have satellite and the boxes are all locked so the channels can not be changed without the remote. :D
  11. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I definitely agree you are doing the right thing. We've luckily never had this problem with difficult child. However, when he would be home suspended I wanted to make sure it was no picnic so I made him do school work or cleaning all day long and he could only eat peanut butter and jelly.
  12. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Stay strong and prosper!

    Do not let her win at any costs because if she can learn to play you now, oh how big a manipulator she will be when she hits 13.

    I am just starting to see small signs of this in Keyana and I have been expecting them. How could she not at least try it-she lives in 4 different homes! She has to be expected to test the waters each place she goes. She will come here and her daddy's and ask for something and when she doesnt get it out come the pouty face, and big eyes with a tear or two. Then she goes to either Papa or grandma (whichever didnt tell her no) and plead her case again. Or Daddy and Mandy. If that doesnt work, she starts crying and says she wants to go to whichever house she isnt daddy if she is with if she is with Cory. If that doesnt work...its an all out crying jag. I want white milk isnt good enough...I want chocolate. give her homemade tastes different and cup is thrown. Cup is picked up and taken away from little girls who throw things. Any thing that is thrown in anger is confiscated for an hour due to her being 2.

    Then comes out the big guns! I gonna tell my MOMMY you mean to me! We reply back...WE gonna tell your Mommy you were mean too! That shuts her