Many of you know my story but the short version is my son has been in a faith based program for 3 months as of 1/10. Prior to that he was in rehab for 30 days after spending a week in a psychiatric ward for threatening suicide to his girlfriend. He was using at the time. She was moving to another part of Florida to go to school. She is not a user and most of the time they spent together he was sober. Prior to that he had totaled his car (our car we let him use while in Florida and sober) when he took too many benzos and passed out. Thankfully he did not get hurt nor did he hurt anyone else. The last few months he declined. We had sent him to Florida in March of 2016 to an IOP and sober living after rehab here and hopefully get a job and go to school. We had him home many times before after rehab and he'd use again after 3 or so months sober. He did well there for six months or so and after that has been in and out of rehabs/sober living. Wash, rinse, repeat. I had found faith based programs before but they were long term and knew we were now at the point where there was nothing else left. He never stayed sober long term although I really felt he wanted to. Husband picked him up in Florida and drove him to a program I found in Tennessee in October. He fought tooth and nail but husband left him at the new place, backpack in hand and tears. We did visit last month for 5 hours and attended a graduation there of another young man. I was so very impressed with the program and my son looked absolutely amazing. All the young men were in dress pants and shirts and he introduced us to a lot of them and I kid you not, had I not known many of these guys were there court ordered I'd never have believed it in a million years. How did they get like that so quickly? Son says program is VERY hard and I tell him he needs it to be hard. As SWOT said, if it were easy he'd done it a long time ago. We talk to him once per week for ten minutes. Most calls are good but I have heard the addict a few times also which sends me into immediate PTSD: cold sores, IBS etc. We are going to see him this weekend. When we talked about it with him the other night he asked us if we were "bringing him home with us". This gets me SO VERY upset. Husband said that he should not want to come home. That he should know he is not ready. We have continually told him he had to graduate the program and have a life plan and only then would we help him get himself together. Then son said he knows he is not ready to leave and that he doesn't want to live that life anymore and he would not throw away all that he has accomplished. Am I expecting too much too soon? The fear and PTSD of him coming home late this year is somewhat overwhelming. I don't want to go through what we have been through ever again. Even if it means I don't see him ever again. I know that sounds crazy and I can't believe I said that but I am in full protection mode. I am so confused about my feelings. I can't see him fail again and again anymore. If anyone had told me we'd be doing this "seven years later" I would not have thought I could survive. Any thoughts or comments welcome.