Another Weekend Ruined b4 Starting...

[WSM]

So I'm driving home from work and who do I see wandering the neighborhood? difficult child.

difficult child gets dropped off by his driver around 3 and I get home at 3:15. He's supposed to sit on the bench for 15 until I get home. He can't go in the house because he steals food products like syrup and dumps them all over his room. He steals his sisters favorite toys, he cuts his mattress, he slips laptops into the pool.

He can't be allowed to wander the neighborhood because he knocks on doors of strangers and says he's starved and thirsty and not allowed to go home. He once got himself 'kidnapped'. A couple on the next street took him and held him in their car and wouldn't give him back until we got the police. He disappears for hours until the police in get a helicoptor, a bloodhound, automatic dialing of all the neighors in a 5 mile radius, a cop on a horse and 7 cop cars are on our lawn.

So I pulled up to the curb and told him to get in the car. "What are you doing?"

"I don't want to go home."

"Why not."

"Because I don't want to have to eat until I die."

"What!?"

"If you eat too much your stomache will rip."

"WHAT!? No, it won't."

"I learned it in science."

"No, it's not going to rip."

difficult child had a physical last week. He's 84 lbs and has a bmi of 17. He often goes without eating for a day, then sneaks food. Last week I found him sneaking a can of campbells soup up to his room. He said he didn't want to eat it, only have it for the points for school, but he didn't take the can to school and did eat it. I let it go and didn't tell my husband. husband worries that he doesn't eat enough. But usually lets him not eat or eat as he wants. Sometimes on Sunday night husband fills up a plate pretty full and hands it to him, and sometimes when difficult child serves himself and husband will put more on. But husband also tells him that he only has to eat until he's full. husband has been told by two therapists not to make an issue of his eating or not eating, but husband will on occasion do it. Not so often any more.

About 2 years ago difficult child said I was poisoning him. Then he said he wasn't allowed to eat because I wouldn't let him (not true, but he needs an excuse and always blames me for what he does), then a few weeks ago when his 8 year old sister walked by, he whispered to her that I made him eat 8 hot dogs (also not true). He's apparently has said something similar to husband.

I have the bad feeling that difficult child is going to explain why he was wandering the neighborhood was he didn't want to come home and be forced to eat until he dies.

Altho maybe not. difficult child has the habit of trying out a story to excuse his behavior, then of refining it when it's clear from people's reactions that he missed the mark. He always tries to excuse his behavior by playing pitiful, and he always tries to make me into his oppressor.

I don't want to tell husband about the wandering the neighborhood, and I don't want to tell him about the eating until his stomache rips excuse. But I have to, and husband is going to be depressed and excuse difficult child and say that we have to give the medications a chance to work, and he'll go talk to difficult child who'll come up with something else or some poor me thing, and co-dependent husband will buy it and be withdrawn and unhappy all weekend, and try to 'bribe' difficult child into being happy by giving him 'breaks' (instead of a consequence for wandering the neighborhood) and difficult child will feel like he got one over on husband and flex his muscle by doing something outrageous like pouring syrup all over his room or throwing a laptop in the pool or something no one ever thought of before. And husband will ignore it.

difficult child told me when I found him sneaking soup (which I never told husband about), that dad's not allowed to yell at him anymore, the Lexapro dr told dad he can't do that. husband says he doesn't know what to do, so he never does anything. (altho he seldom blames me anymore, he used to believe any crappy story difficult child told him).

What a drag.

 

[smallworld]

How long has he been on Lexapro?
What dose?
Are things better, worse or about the same?

 

[WSM]

Another thing:

Two weeks ago difficult child started on Lexapro. husband has HUGE expectations regarding this. He's sure this is going to help alot and fix difficult child's problems. He says he understands it won't fix all difficult child's problems, but anything is an improvement. Which is true, but emotionally, I can see husband is hoping this will fix most of it.

I guess it sort of makes sense, because his exwife has a lot of trouble with psychosis and medication DID make her normal. That's his experience with medications.

But Lexapro helps with anxiety, not with disordered thinking, not with attachment disorder, not with anger and hostility, not with lying. If it works, it will only reduce his anxiety and maybe relieve a little depression. It isn't going to resolve the attachment disorder, or the overwhelming desire difficult child has to be pitied, or his huge reservoir of anger and need to control.

GHG has had no side effects from the Lexapro. And I think he's had no change in behavior at all. husband thinks he's friendlier.

In fact, if difficult child is less anxious about consequences he might be less sneaky about his aggressive hostile acts like stealing and breaking things. But since he seldom has consequences now, I don't know if that's likely.

All I know is I wish I were somewhere else this weekend. I hate these games soooooo much.

 

[trinityroyal]

difficult child had a physical last week. He's 84 lbs and has a bmi of 17. He often goes without eating for a day, then sneaks food.

WSM, this leapt out at me.
According to the excellent psychiatrist who's been working with us on my difficult child's issue s for the past couple of years, serious underweight can cause significant mental impairment, aside from any other diagnoses that are present.

So, with a BMI of 17 and a weight of only 84 lbs, that alone might be exacerbating any other problems that your difficult child already has.

At the time this was noted, my difficult child was 6 ft 2 1/2, 99 lbs, and had a BMI of about 16.5. He was immediately put on a high calorie diet including nutrition supplement shakes 3x daily. He's now 6 ft 3 1/2, 160 lbs. Still underweight but no longer dangerously so.

I get the feeling that with your difficult child, compliance will be an issue, but someone needs to be addressing the weight and eating. Honestly, given that you're already the target for a lot of difficult child's vitriol, I think it should be someone other than you. Not sure what advice to give, but I just wanted to pass this information along.

Sorry that your weekend is starting off this way.
Sending hugs,
Trinity

 

[smallworld]

Lexapro typically kicks in at the 3-week mark, but sometimes it takes 6 weeks for full efficacy.

What medications is ex-wife taking?

 

[smallworld]

A medication like Zyprexa would address both the distorted thinking and eating disorder, if that's what it is.

 

[WSM]

difficult child is 4 ft 10 in, he's in the 43rd percentile and is considered a healthy weight for his height.

I cook dinner, but do not get involved in how much he eats. Because of scheduling, we do not eat as a family at the table, husband seldom has dinner, I eat a large lunch, the two oldest are at work, the middle is with friends or eats a lot right after school. So I just make a dinner for the youngest two, put it on the table and they eat by themselves. (I know I know, families who eat together...we used to, but don't now). I don't care what difficult child eats or how much or little. I don't monitor it. If he gives it all to the dog, I probably wouldn't notice. If he got seconds I wouldn't know.

I don't get involved in difficult child's eating, except on a couple occasions to remind husband that he shouldn't push it. But I won't do it that again. husband has slacked off on that and was upset, and I don't care enough push the issue. Why make husband defensive and mad at me trying to stick up for difficult child.

difficult child is well nourished (at his physical he had all his minerals and vitamins checked, and lead, a full blood panel). He's healthy.

I don't get involved, but difficult child as a victim, needs to have a bad guy to rope husband into his rescuer/hero role (the Karpman drama triangle). husband is getting a lot better about it, he doesn't act on the stuff difficult child accuses me of, he probably doesn't believe much of it anymore, but it still worries him and eats at him and it's not difficult child who's going to make it a bad weekend, altho he's the catalyst. It's going to be a bad weekend because husband will be upset, guilty, withdrawn, focused on soothing difficult child, anxious.

And mark my words there will be a second strike from difficult child, something stolen, something ruined, something...

And then husband will be angry, but not do anything and the second half of the weekend will be spent with husband eaten up with anger and trying desperately to shove his head in the sand.

Frankly, I think husband needs the lexapro. But that will never happen.

 

[WSM]

difficult child's bio-mom has been on every antipsychotic there is. The one I know about and personally saw work well for her was a shot she got once a week. husband has rattled them off, but she has side effects and doesn't think she's sick, blah, blah, blah, you know the routine, and currently (again) is in psychosis wandering the streets talking to herself.

Also, I debate whether he actually has distorted thinking. I go back and forth on it. Some days yes, definitely...but some days I think it's just a manipulation. "I don't want to follow the rules, I want to do what I want to do, and when I get caught, I'll just make up a bogus, poor little confused boy story and they will feel sorry for me and let it go." (this works a lot). "If I overshoot my hand and my poor little confused boy story is over the top and sounds crazy, I'll modify it so it's a little more believable."

I've got instances where this is actually what he's done, just made up a poor little anxious confused me, who just is trying so hard but always gets it wrong and it's not my fault. So I KNOW sometimes he does it. But does he play this game every time? No one knows.

 

[Josie]

There is hope that the Lexapro will help his "huge reservoir of anger and his need to control". I wouldn't say I had a huge reservoir of anger, but I was angry and irritable inside until I took Lexapro. I also didn't feel the need to control things any more because I wasn't so anxious about what might happen.

I hope it helps.

 

[smallworld]

My own sense is that you're "normalizing" your difficult child's behavior. Believe me, I'm raising three kids with mood disorders, and your difficult child's behavior is very strange (I would call it distorted thinking, but I'm not a doctor).

 

[trinityroyal]

difficult child is 4 ft 10 in, he's in the 43rd percentile and is considered a healthy weight for his height.

Sorry for the confusion. For some reason I had the impression that your difficult child was much taller.

If he's 4 ft 10, then none of my advice about weight is at all relevant.

Trinity

 

[WSM]

My own sense is that you're "normalizing" your difficult child's behavior.

Please explain. Because to me that means that we are so immune to his antics and so bogged down by it, particularly husband that what is bizarre to the rest of the world is normal to us.

If that's what you mean, I agree. I've been fighting this. This is NOT right, this is NOT normal. Syrup should NOT be contraband in any household, it's NOT amusing. He's WAY OFF. But...

In the outside world, difficult child is good at seeming normal, if just a sad little neglected boy, so we get no social support.

And...

husband did not come from a normal family. His family was abusive, husband went to school on occasion with bruises. His father now says he's probably autistic. His father would probably know: he has a daughter by wife 2 who is so severely austistic she never learned to speak and the police are regular visitors at their house (info comes from the two or three annual phone calls from husband's dad).

husband's mother has some kind of personality disorder, histrionic, dependent, narcissistic. She's weak and trembly and afraid of the world, and yet rules her three sons with an iron fist. I strongly suspect she used father in law's temper and abuse to keep her son's in line. When father in law left her, she had nervous breakdowns and couldn't live by herself (I don't know the details, but husband just said, it was a disaster), and might have been hospitalized once or twice. Her youngest son, 9, at the time of the divorce spent time living with neighbors (not relatives, even though there were plenty of those around). He spent 2 years with one family in HS and somehow he spent his 10 birthday living with a neighbor and everyone in his family forgot his birthday and husband doesn't remember the incident or where mother in law was. There's a lot of 'forgetting' and 'covering up' about husband's childhood and I don't know what really happened. husband wants to pretend it was normal and happy, except maybe the year his dad left, but other family members have said stuff and husband contradicts himself and sometimes tells something shocking, then shuts up and closes it off.

THen husband went and married someone who always lost the struggle with psychosis. I don't think he really knows what normal is, or his normal is not what everyone else's is.

 

[WSM]

I gave the kids cold ham and pork and beans for dinner, self serve, while I sat in the living room and wrote the last post. When difficult child got up from the table, I was just going into the kitchen.

Money fell out of his pocket.

difficult child doesn't have any money. He doesn't get allowance any more until he's paid off all for all the toys he's destroyed of his sister's and other things. This money was stolen.

And it also explains why he was wandering the neighborhood. He stole some money and was going to go spend it. And when I just happened to drive thru the neighborhood and found him strolling along, he had to come up with a quick 'pity the poor little boy story' and the best he could do was to say he was scared he'd have to eat until his stomache ripped.

difficult child says he has no idea how the money got in his pocket and didn't even know it had fallen. And he said it so coolly too.

It's going to be a horrible weekend.

 

[BusynMember]

My own sense is that you're "normalizing" your difficult child's behavior. Believe me, I'm raising three kids with mood disorders, and your difficult child's behavior is very strange (I would call it distorted thinking, but I'm not a doctor).

Listen to smallmom!!! Your stepson is ANYTHING but normal in his thinking and in my layman's opinion (but it's a strong mom gut opinion) he isn't manipulating you. It sounds like he already is lingering on psychosis. I believe he thought you were poisoning him, which is a psychotic red flag. His reasoning is way off. I wouldn't let him stay home alone for A MINUTE.

I have serious doubts about Lexapro doing much for your stepson other than making him worse. in my opinion this kid needs an anti-psychotic, not an antidepressant, which can make kids who don't have disordered thinking have disordered thinking. Is this child seeing a Child Psychiatrist (with the MD) as his main diagnostician? What is his bio. mom's diagnosis?

I think you are trying to make a very sick child into a bad child, and in my opinion (and, yeah, I'm just a layperson) you are wrong. husband doesn't know what to do because of the nature of his child's illness--he doesn't know how to handle it. Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist? If not, that's another avenue I would take.

I would lay off worrying about the food. I was 4'10" and 75 lbs. at age 12 and it was just the way I was built. Trust me, I had to watch my weight later on. He may have erratic eating due to his disorder.

 

[WSM]

Is this child seeing a Child Psychiatrist (with the MD) as his main diagnostician? What is his bio. mom's diagnosis?

I think you are trying to make a very sick child into a bad child. husband doesn't know what to do because of the nature of his child's illness--he doesn't know how to handle it. Has he ever seen a neuropsychologist?

Yes to neuropath and yes to pediatric psychiatric. Nobody sees mental illness, just emotionally troubled. He's seen so many, and we keep getting that he's in the realm of normal, just very (everyone emphasizes the very) manipulative. A couple have hinted at personality disorders. One pediatrician psychiatrist yelled at husband, "Why do you want your kid to be mentally ill?"

Lay people like the school think we are the problem, if only he had more attention and love and understanding...but by the end of the year they sing a different song, and always predict he's not going to do well next year and he should 'see someone'.

CPS, the police, and the courts seem to think he's a 'bad' kid, but he's too young to do anything.

It's husband and me who think he's got serious mental health issues. We think he's going to follow his mom and her two brothers who have all be diagnosis'ed as schizophrenic, altho his mom's diagnosis changed to Bi Polar II. It doesn't matter, she lives about 10 months a year in psychosis.

difficult child knows how to smooze the psychiatrists and therapists. He won't admit to the stranger things and will even deny them if husband reports them (I am only peripherally involved in his therapy, maybe one session out of 10). difficult child plays the poor little misunderstood unloved me and won't admit that he ever thought or said the stranger things he said. Or if he admits him, he will say, I was just making it up to make him mad, I was just saying it to see what they'd say, I just said it because I misunderstood what they said to me first.

Sometimes he messes up, once a therapist asked him what makes him sad, and he burst out in hysterical laughter. But most of the time he seems quiet, polite, bright, interested, cooperative, puzzled, and just a little sad about not getting enough attention.

Even when he's caught red handed, he denies he did what he did. And he's not indignant, but cool about it. Calm and poised. Nope, it wasn't him. Nope.

 

[BusynMember]

Not a NeuroPath. A NeuroPsychologist who does a bunch (up to ten hours of testing).
Sorry, the kid is obviously on his way to mental illness. I would just keep taking him in until they diagnose him. If his bio. mother is mentally ill, he may have inherited it. But he's not just a mixed up kid. His behavior is bizarre. Unfortunately, not all mental health professionals are the best and brightest. If there is that much schizophrenia in the family, the poor kid has signs of that already--it's mindboggling that they are ignoring that.
I'm worried that the Lexapro will make him worse.
Stick to your guns and take him somebody really good for a psychiatric evaluation, making sure the psychiatrist knows the family history. in my opinion an antipsychotic would be better for this kid than an antidepressant. I think you're great parents and that you and your hub are right.
It took us nine years to get the right diagnosis. for my son. So hang in there.

 

[Marguerite]

Even after reading all your responses, I still agree - disordered thinking is very much on the cards. He MAY be also trying to be manipulative, but in my opinion if he thinks some of the things he says as excuses, have ANY chance of flying at all - this is disordered thinking.

I'm thinking of a scene from M*A*S*H when Klinger is looking very pregnant and talking to Col Henry Blake.

Henry: "Klinger, it's my considered opinion, but nobody is going to believe that you're pregnant."

Klinger: "I know that, Colonel. But I'm betting that they will THINK I'm crazy, for thinking that they might believe that I'm pregnant."

Or words to that effect.

And that is what I'm thinking here - difficult child is coming up with some really bizarre excuses and, as you say, refining them. So he IS aware of other people's responses of disbelief, but he has to try them out first, which tells me he isn't good at pre-assessing his 'lines'; to him, they seem plausible. What he actually believes, and what he says, may be different. But that doesn't mean that what he believes, isn't also disordered. He may well believe that you're trying to poison him, or you're trying to force him to eat. He may well have heard someting in Science class that it is possible to eat until your stomach bursts - if your satiety centre (in the hypothalamus) is not worknig properly, as in Prader-Willi Syndrome, tis can happen. Or he may have heard someone say something about "I am so full I feel like I will burst if I eat another thing!" Or he may have seen Monty Python's "Meaning of Life" where a diner DOES burst, after eating one more thing - an after-dinner mint.

People say things in jest, in sarcasm, for whatever reason - these things are never meant to be taken literally but so often a literal-minded difficult child gets confused. If you combine this with dirordered thinking, you ahve a very disturbed kid.

On top of this, he's doing the wrong thing repeatedly. He stole money form somewhere, knew he shouldn't have it and made up an excuse about why he was roaming when you found him. But to be roaming - how far could he have gotten in his quest to go spend te money and then get back to the seat before you got home? In other words, how realistic was his plan, if he were to avoid being caught out?

It seems to me that you are catching him out a lot. That tells me tat he is really bad at deception, even though he keeps trying it.

You have things you don't want to tell husband - does he have things he doesn't tell you? Maybe if you two could be more of a team, you couldstand a chance of getting on top of this. But form what you describe, husband isn't coping. And he expects you to, and it's frankly not your job. You both need help with this boy.

A last word on BMI - I have skinny kids too (and one overweight one). My skinny kids were REALLY skinny. When a kid pulls in their tummy and you can see the spine from the front - NOT good. difficult child 1 is still a stick. His wife can carry him around in her arms.
difficult child 3 is obsessed with being thin - we bought Wii Fit and it's really good in a lot of ways, except the way it uses BMI. There have been articles in our newspapers about the dangers of this software with kids who get obsessed about the application of BMI. The general word is - DON'T even consider BMI in anyone under 18. I think even under 21. If someone is still growing, in fact. Because while you're still growing, your body is still filling out. If you look at a baby bird, it's not as solid as its parents. Its chest isn't as deep, its bones are less dense.

So with BMI and kids -it's likely to be way off. difficult child 3 keeps telling me, "I have to eat more, I'm badly underweight." I'm not sure what his BMI currently is (it's early, he's not up yet, or I could ask him) but because the computer tells him, then it MUST be true! Amendment - I just checked - difficult child 3's BMI is 17.8. It's come up a lot, it used to be 12!

It also goes the other way. I'm an adult and my BMI is high. True, I have been badly overweight. Before I went on my diet the Wii Fit classified me in the "obese" range (I didn't think it was THAT bad!). I was just under the "extremely obese" range. Now I'm in the "overweight" range, even though I can easily buy my clothes off the rack even in those teen boutique shops. But I'm not the typical shape - I'm long in the body and short in the leg, which means proportionally, more of my body is torso (heavier than legs). I also have fairly solid bones (never broke one despite some fairly determined efforts). So for me, I will always have a higher BMI than my actual measurements would indicate. Whenever I enter those "guess your weight" competitions, I ALWAYS win, because nobody can believe just how heavy I am. Other people who weigh the same as I do are generally a lot bigger.

What I'm saying - BMI is increasingly being seen as unreliable and should NEVER be applied to kids.

However, you did mention his growth rate according to accepted child growth charts (sex/age based). This is an appropriate measure. Also to consider - family history. In my family, some people have tended to be large and solid even when not overweight; others tend to be small and stick-thin. Not much in between.

I think your biggest problem here, is husband. You and he MUST agree on what to do and STICK TO IT. It sounds like he's still being snowed by difficult child, especially if difficult child is saying things like "my doctor said dad mustn't yell at me any more." difficult child is stepping up and telling his father how to parent, and dad is just going along with it, in a shower of guilt, mea culpa and self-flagellation.

Very unhealthy, to give a kid like this so much power over the parent who should be most in charge here. I'd be having words with tat shrink, to let him know how his words are being misused. husband has to learn to take charge and have confidence in his own parenting.

Marg

 

[smallworld]

WSM, that's exactly what I meant by "normalizing" -- that you have lived with difficult child's bizarre behavior so long that you begin to believe that's just the way family life is supposed to be or you explain it away as "normal." I compare it to spouse abuse: The wife who is continually beaten by her husband begins to believe that she did something to deserve it when in reality she did nothing. In essence, she is "normalizing" her husband's behavior toward her.

Believe it or not, it's preferrable to have a "mainstream" mental illness than a personality disorder because there's more help available. Furthermore, I'd run from any mental health professional who dxes a personality disorder at your difficult child's age. Genetics plays a strong role in mental illnesss, and your difficult child certainly has a family tree full of it.

Has your difficult child ever had Projective (or Personality) Testing? This is different from cognitive testing and can reveal whether your difficult child is experiencing psychosis or distorted thinking.

 

[WSM]

Thank you, thank you. You don't know how much your time and words help.

I was very anxious to tell husband. But it went well. I just told him the facts, pleasantly and neutrally. Then backed off. He agreed difficult child probably took off to spend the money he had. But thought maybe difficult child didn't steal it, maybe it was given to him (altho we can't think of anyone who would). I said I hoped we could have a good weekend. And it was all right.

Fortunately, tonight we had a counseling session and we discussed it. Therapist said he has to still have consequences without the expectation of results, because there will not be change. We discussed personalizing, and validating. She touched on enabling.

When we got home we found out where difficult child got the money. It turns out it was mine.

difficult child's driver came late this morning and I had to go to work before he came. Son17 was watching him. When the van came, he saw difficult child pick something up hurredly and went out. difficult child was picking up dollar bills and coins. Son17 made him give him the money; it fell out of my van. Apparently difficult child didn't give son all the money back, and since the van was waiting, son17 was not thorough (and it was dark).

So difficult child had some money for the first time in a long time and when he was dropped off, took off for the candy store and had the bad luck just to run into me driving through the neighborhood on a shortcut home.

He was picked up, came up with his weird story.

So this is what's confusing: he acted reasonably (if not honorably), taking an advantage of an opportunity, maybe was a bit impulsive by not thinking thru the fact that he probably wouldn't get home in time not to be caught, but he's a kid and with the lure of candy before him, he was a bit impulsive, this isn't necessarily a sign of mental illness. Then he got caught and lied. easy child kids could very easily do what he did today.

Then he lied. The fact that he lied was just human normal kid behavior, but his way of lying was indicative of some pretty weird thinking.

husband asked him why he ran off today. difficult child just stared and wouldn't answer. Long long silence. I said, "What did you tell me the reason was." He answered: "I didn't want to come home." I said: "And what did you tell me the reason was." And he said: "Because I didn't want to be in my desk." (new answer--but just as weird. I wrote about him being in his desk a short while ago). "But what was the answer you told me." He said: "That I didn't want to have my stomache burst."

husband didn't say anything. This was on our way to counselling (difficult child sits in the waiting room).

Nobody makes difficult child go into his desk. He just does. husband has told him not to. So what's this 'making him go into his desk' business?

This is where I think maybe he is hearing voices or having delusions. But I don't know. I don't know. See if you wanted to fake crazy, would this be what you thought up? I don't think so, it doesn't feel like faking here. It feels like real mental illness. Just as the running off felt like very convincing normal 'bad kid' behavior.

Actually, when we got back from counseling, husband took difficult child to his room and right in front of him difficult child crawled into the desk. He broke it earlier, knocking the side out, so it fits better frowny. I had just heard from son17 about how difficult child found the money.

I joined husband in difficult child's room and said, "Did you find the money from the ground by the tree?" difficult child said no. "Son17 said you did." difficult child: "I had to give him all it back." I said: "But you kept some anyway, you didn't give it all back." difficult child said: "No, I gave it all back. I had no money today. I didn't know I had any money in my pocket. I didn't know any fell out. I didn't keep any of it. I gave it all back."

And he says it so poised, so calm, cool, collected, looking you flat in the eye, not exactly staring you down, but slightly challenging, pleasant and non emotional, very firmly, very self assuredly, and with a look in his eye that raised the hair on the back of your neck. I've read descriptions of the 'psychopath stare', his face changes, he looks like an adult, except his eyes are flat and black, not brown. It's deeply unnerving. This is the part where I'm convinced he's got some very clear emerging anti social personality disorder elements going on.

But as he was saying this, he was backing into his desk drawer. So you see how confusing it is: all the elements mixed in, un-untangle-able: mental illness, disobedient opportunistic kid, and personality disorder.

And 5 mm of lexapro is supposed to help this?

 

[WSM]

WSM, that's exactly what I meant by "normalizing" -- that you have lived with difficult child's bizarre behavior so long that you begin to believe that's just the way family life is supposed to be or you explain it away as "normal."

Has your difficult child ever had Projective (or Personality) Testing? This is different from cognitive testing and can reveal whether your difficult child is experiencing psychosis or distorted thinking.

I don't think it's normal at all, but I have so much trouble getting people to listen. husband goes back and forth. difficult child lies, well, so do the other kids. And he can't understand when I try to explain why it's different. Or won't. And the school actually told us that they never had any problem with him, so why did we send difficult child to military school (I wrote a venting angry thread about this)? Even though he had he arrested THREE TIMES for bringing weapons to school. And lots of counselors, therapists, social workers have told us he's within the range of normal, or on the low half.

And difficult child seems so normal to outsiders. You'd all like him. You really would. difficult child is good at looking normal. husband tells about his ex wife how she could go into psychosis and be raging and crazy and out of control and he'd call the police to come baker act her, and as soon as she saw them, she'd snap to sanity for a brief bit, and be logical and reasonable and cogent and she could fool them. And then they'd go away and she'd fall right back into psychosis. It happened so much that he learned to tell the police to come back in 15 minutes, because that was as long as she could hold it together when she was in psychosis.

I think difficult child is doing some of that.

And husband wants very much to believe it isn't so bad, that I just see the worst of it and take it all personally. husband wants to believe so badly that difficult child is mostly normal, just maybe a little out of range, but mostly normal and the troubled bits can be smoothed out with extra love and understanding. He wants this soooo badly.

And it's not normal. And frankly, society doesn't care much. He's not a menace to them, so it's our problem.

Also....

Thanks for the tip about projective testing. He might have. There's a test I'm looking for that put him on the borderline of normal and needing residential education and treatment. I forget what it's called. difficult child was three points away from the next catagory and the doctor evaluating did not have all the information. I'll tell husband about it.

I want someone to see how bizarre, how OFF this is. But no one listens to me because I'm just the stepmother. The wicked stepmother. You at this forum, my friends and family are the only ones who believe me when I say something is REALLY REALLY WRONG, this is NOT NORMAL. It seems the rest of the world wants to be blind.