posted a long reply and lost it in cyber space. ugh! short version...lol
thanks for thinking of me, I too think of those here and the journey to this point. I joined this forum in 1999 and would have lost my mind without the support, the late night chats, and the laughter and tears spent here during those early years.
my son Ant, (I call him Tony now though) has certainly trained me a lot of things I never wanted to learn. you know way back when, I was given a "boundaries" by townsend and cloud book-it changed my life. I also was handed "codependent no more" by melody beattie...my sister gave it to me. reading those two books gave me a backbone. I learned I did not have to tolerate things and was able to detach more and more from the chaos in my home.
update is that I am still with my boyfriend of 7 yrs, he is a good man, and our home is quiet and peace-filled. we enjoy friends, and quiet times, no more middle of the night doorbells with a bloody son standing there, no more searching all night for a runaway teen, no more drug dealers banging out my windows, no more visits to jails and prison.
my older son the cop is still wonderful and well. I used to laugh that I wanted a bumper sticker that said "my other son is a cop". The pain and embarrassment of Tony and his "antics" really were hard at that time and I needed to tell others I did not totally screw up as a mom.
my three grandchildren (all Tony's- all different moms) are thriving.
Tony lives with his fiancee and their 6 month old daughter, my older grandson is 7 now and Tony has sole custody.
The middle grandchild lives with his mom and we keep in close contact. Tony's daughter looks a lot like him, wonder if she will give him a run for the money one day...hope not.
Tony has been out of prison for over two yrs. (was there for his 4th DUI/plea bargain) No arrests since then..longest period since he was 13 where he has not been arrested! They are in the process of buying a house, both work good jobs. Took him a long time to grow a brain, and he still has some issues with frustration at times. When he is not respectful or appreciative of me, we spend time not communicating. Detach detach detach and let him live his life including being responsible for his own kids, house, etc. it is his life and I deserve mine. The 3 Cs have been a crucial part of my perspective on things:
I did not Cause it
I cannot Cure it
I cannot Control it
me making him cut the apron strings forces him to step up to the plate, he never asks me for a dime, but sometimes he would like me to mother more than I am willing. I remember Allan here saying "be good to yourself".
I stay close to other parents with children in prison because I know what they are going thru. That was something that I will never forget. Life is good and I pray it is for all of you as well.