Any advice please!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by melmo, Apr 24, 2017.

  1. melmo

    melmo New Member

    My daughter is 25 and has just returned home after splitting up with her partner as she was stealing from her and her family, was caught stealing from a store, lying about having a job and been taking cocaine.
    We put my daughter out the house when she was 21 after a few years of exactly the same behaviours, stealing from us and her sister, totally fabricating full scenarios in minute detail about her job, her uni, and other situations she was apparantly in which proved all to be lies. I took her to joint counselling just before we threw her out at 21 and it was a waste of time, she spent therapy sessions complaing about her me her dad and sister, everything was everyone elses fault, she would verbally admit things were wrong but immediately back it up by blaming someone else, the environment, etc etc and her war cry was "I lied because I didnt want to disappoint you" .. We spoke for hours and hours on many occassions about all we wanted was her to be a good person and is she was that she would never dissapoint us etc. She is now back home after this breakup where I cant even begin to put into words the things she has done and I am sure I am only going to find out more as times goes along, saying she thinks she has a problem with cocaine and thats why she has done all these horrible things, I know you will maybe think I'm being really harsh but I'm not 100% in on that theray I'm not convinced thats the reason or that it just sounds like a "good excuse" I have spoke to her ex partner and she admits she took it for "recrerational" purposes but has found evidence shes been doing it alone too, however she didnt seem to think she had a big problem with it. I dont know, it would be the easiest thing for me to accept that then I would feel that at least there is a reason for this behaviours and not that she is simply a horrible person, She is the most manipulative person I have ever met and I truly believe she would convince proffessionals that it was everyone else to blame. We are calling doctors today to set up an appointment but I have no real convidence she will follow through. I am at my wits end I honestly dont think I can go through all this again, oh and her 17year old sister is away at uni and I feel so guilty she has to come home to all of this, she listened to so much of it in her earlier years. Any advice would be amazing! I am completely lost! x
     
  2. Acacia

    Acacia Active Member

    So sorry for the pain you are going through. It sounds like you see your daughter clearly, however difficult and heartbreaking that may be. Seeing the situation for what it is, is a step in the right direction. Take it one day at a time, breathe. You can change your mind about helping her or letting her stay with you - that's your right. I am going through the same thing with my 36 year old daughter, and she has two grandchildren. I especially related to " the most manipulative person ... would convince professionals." That hurts, too. Keep writing.
     
  3. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    I am so sorry for all of this heartache. I too know what it's like to be manipulated by your kid. My daughter is teal good at it
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Has she ever been diagnosed with any personality disorder like borderline? Look it up. See if it fits. Whetheror not you feel it does i would buy the book Walking on Eggshells by Randi Krieger.

    If your daughter is abusing you, stealing, cussing you out, refusing to work, doing drugs and is making your house, which in my opinion is your sanctuary, more like a hellhole, set strict boundaries. Its your house/ your rules. You csn give her the choice of folliwing your rules or finding somewhere else to live...or just leave and work it out. There are shelters. Many of us had to put tjem out. Sometimes it works for them. It did for my daughter. Does it always work? Unless they are cognitively disabled, they should be able to get a job and find a small room to rent. But some wont. At 26 it is up to her to get her act together. You cant do it for her. Its on her.

    Your younger daughter, you and your partner should not feel as if you have an uncontrollable adult toddler in your house who rules your roost. That is being unkind to all the kind, well behaved members who live in what in my opinion should be a safe space. Nobody should fear theft, loud fights, rages, bullying, etc. In his and her own home. It is not asking too much to ask your grown woman daughter to follow your rules and to be nice under your roof.

    This of course is your choice. We support any choice you make. I just feel we should reject bad behavior and abuse even if these were once our babies. They are far from that now. They are adults and we do not owe them money, housing, anything...especially if they destroy our lives and act like grown toddlers and refuse to conform to reasonable expectations such as civility, respect, paying rent and working and not using any drugs while under our roof.

    We decide our tolerance levels.

    When was the last time you put your own needs first? Do you see a therapist? One family member in my opinion should not make so much noise that that one person blocks out the needs of everyone else.

    Try tp think of the best way you can live in peace. Yes...you matter. A lot!
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2017
  5. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Too add something if she was willing to see things from you point and you other daughter's point of view then therapy will not be needed. I mean the fact that she engaged means the therapist was terrible more then her fault.
    If the therapy where you go to fix certain problems does not work because of those problems well then what is the point of therapy?
     
  6. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Welcome.

    If an adult child is engaging in behaviors that put at risk herself and her family, she should not be back in the family home (to include: stealing, manipulation, verbal and physical aggression, drug use, lying, etc). I believe this is a bottom line. If she is using illegal drugs and does not see this as problematic, she is undeserving of family financial help or housing in the family home. Psychotherapy does not help much with addiction without concurrent substance abuse treatment. But substance abuse treatment requires buy in by her.

    The behaviors and attitudes you reference are consistent with addiction. Until the substance dependency issues are dealt with no diagnosis of either personality or acute mental illness can be reliably made.

    If it were me, I would engage this community to assist in making concrete plans and executing them, for her to leave asap, to drug treatment if she consents, or wherever she wishes to go, as she decides. Take care.
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    A dad, there is really no point of forced therapy. A therapist is only helpful if the patient tells the truth and wants to change. Nobody can counsel an untruthful or unwilling person and get results.
     
  8. Saddmom

    Saddmom New Member

    Exactly. I think my daughter just tells the therapist what he or she wants to hear
     
  9. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Mine did so I stopped making her go. She started on her own years later and then she did well.
     
  10. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    Then what is the point if you go to therapy for that problem? See the problem if she could be truthful it will not be no need for therapy. I am sorry but there has to be a way to threat people for that problem while dealing with the problem or else there is no point of therapy for this people.
    If there is not point they should say it from the start and not take money from you for nothing.
     
  11. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    They dont know if somebody is lying. Many lie well.
     
  12. A dad

    A dad Active Member

    YEs so if you do not have ability to threat people of that issue which is clear that the therapist can't, then tell the people I am not able to threat your daughter so they do not waste time, money and hope.
     
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  13. melmo

    melmo New Member

    I cannot thankyou all enough for taking the time to reply, I am literally in tears at your support and I dont cry easily! We have just found out today that she had stolen her partners credit card and used it multiple times, her ex partner has reported it to the fraud department. She has also decided that she is going to report my daughter to police for the other thefts and has gave her a chance to go today herself. I dont know if she will go or not, I am just home from work and (allegedly) she started a new job today so I havent seen her yet. I am so so embarassed I cannot put into words, I honestly feel like packing a small bag and fleeing the country! I work with children and young adults with asn and am thought highly of taking on "the most difficult children" and getting results, how did I get it so wrong with my own!!? I have laid down very strict rules of one step out of place and she is gone, I'm just waiting on her taking that step..and I'm sure she will. I feel so guilty and unloyal writing this about my child, but there is no point trying to sugar coat things. The amounts of thefts she has done I cannot see her getting anything apart from a sentence. I have not one bit of sympathy for her just total humiliation. Sorry for rambling and thanks for listening x
     
  14. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dont feel humiliated. You did nothing wrong. Your daughter is a seperate human being from you regardless of being your child. She is slso a full grown woman doing bad things to loved ones. You did not teach her these things. She is choosing to disregard your good parenting and to snub her nose at our laws. You had nothing to do with her behavior. You taught her right from wrong. She is deliberately choosing bad behavior. You did not cause this.

    While she is still in your home, lock up all bank info and credit cards and valuables. You know she steals. Dont be her victim.

    I hope she has no access to cash at her job.

    Good luck!!
     
  15. melmo

    melmo New Member

    Thankyou somewhereoutthere I really appreciate your sensible words...the thing is I would be giving this sort of straight talking to others and yet when it relates to me i can't as easily accept it. I have been through the "what did i do" "what didnt I do" and I have safe knowledge that I instilled and exercised good morals, kindness, self respect and that of others and a hard working attitude and yet part of my brain keeps re-shuffling it!! I have indeed locked all valuables away and have slept with my purse under my pillow for the last 6 nights she's been home and something that really hit me very hard was I had to tell my youngest daughter when she was home from uni at weekend to do the same! I feel very silly and guilty allowing her to stay at home and at the same time terrified of the consequences if I dont!
     
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    What would happen if you dont? Would she hurt you for tellung her to leave?
     
  17. melmo

    melmo New Member

    No, she would not hurt me, I fear she would hurt herself or worse.