As you guys know difficult child#1 is SO close to my tell or not to tell..that is ?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by DDD, May 1, 2012.

  1. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    We are joined at the hip. He knows I have had "symptoms" and has been my driver for out of town MD trips. Now...sigh...I've been diagnosed with colon cancer and I am truly afraid to share with him. I'm afraid to share the truth and then, of course, I'm afraid not to tell the truth. Geez, I hate this. He is my baby and he's just not very strong. on the other hand he has his new girlfriend (yikes, lol, not my cup of tea) who seems to bring him a sense of peace.

    Please cross your fingers that I "share" at the right time. Part of me wants to grab the "baby" and hug him to death and cry for what we should have shared. The other part of me says "shut your mouth Mama". Geez, what a delima. DDD
  2. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    DDD - I am so so sorry. And yes, you should tell him. The pain of keeping the secret will be too much to bear. And you will need to lean on each other. And please try to be as transparent as possible, it will bring you both peace.

    Please let me know if I can do anything for you. Lean on us. {{{hugs}}}

    You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the input. I'm just not sure yet "when". Obviously this is not like a car wreck where it will be over in a matter of hours. The extended period of time and the multiple ??'s...yikes, I don't know. I better get on with my research before I decide. Have I ever told you guys how much I love that brat?? LOL DDD
  4. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I would wait until I had the answers to the questions that you know he is going to ask. I hate, hate, hate that you are going through this.

  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    What does easy child think about it? I would tell but agree maybe find out a few answers. You haven't said yet if you know any specifics and you don't need to share here but maybe when you do know a little more? But if he asks ...I wouldn't hide it. I hate this for u too ..hugs ...
  6. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    DDD, I believe with all my heart that you will know when it's time to tell him. It will be a certainty, and only you will know when it's the right time.
  7. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh DDD I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, I had no idea, you never complain about anything and you are so supportive to everyone. I think you should tell him but I agree that you willl know when the right time is. He would be so upset if you did not tell him, he wants to be supportive to you as you have been to him all these years.

    My heart is aching for you and I am saying my prayers that you will be OK.

  8. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am so, so sorry DDD. Is it treatable? Will you be okay?
  9. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    DDD, plz check your PMs. I think you will have to tell him. It may be wise to get answers and know what to expect first. I'm praying for you!
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    DDD...i am thinking about you. I agree you need to tell him but wait until you have more answers. Dont know if this helps but my dad had colon cancer when he was in his early 80s, was treated for it and is now 94 .....

  11. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It


    I am soooo sorry that you are sick!! I hope and pray that this is treated fast and easily (relatively) and then you can go on enjoying your life. You will know when to tell him. Follow you heart and instincts. Just please make sure that he does not hear it from gfgmom or anyone else.

    I will offer this just to give you a perspective that might not have occurred to you.

    My parents, esp my dad, spent quite few years making sure gfgbro was the LAST to hear of things. Quite often they would wait until there was NO way for difficult child to get to a funeral or whatever before telling gfgbro. Much of this was because gfgbro spent much of the year working in national forests and other remote areas and they didn't want him to feel bad for not being able to get to the funeral, wedding, hospital, whatever. Gfgbro spent those years being SURE that no one trusted him to behave appropriately (very true in many instances, but not usually funerals, weddings, etc....) and that my parents were trying to hide him.

    Gfgbro always felt a strong bond with our great gma. He was the only one of the great grands to ask to spend the night at her home, and the only one she allowed to do that. He did NOT behave well in her town, but was able to hide that from my folks and the neighbors never told GreatGma. When GreatGma died, bro was clearing trails in a national forest. My parents decided not to tell him until AFTER the funeral. I was only 19 but I told them it was wrong and mean. I was ordered to not tell him. Not hard because he didn't have a phone. But I found the number for some friends of his and told him anyway. My dad FREAKED completely. I finally screamed at him that if he hated gfgbro that much then he needed to just stay away from him but to keep doing this was cruel and made difficult child KNOW that he was hated and that they didn't think he could make an adult decision even though he had never acted out when the family was at a funeral or other major family event. I don't think I have ever, before or since, screamed at my Dad.

    Dad was totally and completely shocked. Not so much by my yelling, though that did get through to him that I was beyond just upset. He had NO idea that gfgbro thought my dad not only didn't love him but also didn't want him ANYWHERE around the rest of the family because he couldn't be trusted to behave. Now in many instances gfgbro truly couldn't be trusted, not to behave or to do/not do many other things. BUT we had always pulled together in a crisis, and Dad had NO clue that this was how difficult child thought and felt.

    My dad was trying to PROTECT my brother from blowing his entire summer's pay to get to a funeral that my GreatGma never wanted anyone to have and would NEVER have wanted any ofu s to spend $2 to get to, much less hundreds of $$.

    Dad and bro finally talked it out and worked through it, and they saw that they were each trying to help and protect the other. But even after YEARS of never knowing until it was too late to get there, it took something dramatic to get my dad to really SEE how keeping things from bro was hurting bro and all of us.

    DDD, Please don't let someone else tell difficult child. It will end up making difficult child ffeel that you don't trust him to support you when you are in a crisis. This may be true, but it still hurts enormously to thing your family is having that reaction.

    You need your family to help you through this. Don't cut yourself off from that.
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Thanks for the food for thought. I've got to figure out what option or options I might pursue. He already knows that I am not feeling well and although he is living with a girlfriend makes absolutely positive to text me good morning and good night. Most days he's at the store to at least visit or give me a kiss on the head. LOL

    I can't help but fear, however, that he might hit the booze/pot trail more heavily because he just isn't good at dealing with worry or sadness. Selfishly I also don't want his girlfriend to share with the community the family news. I'll figure it out soon but there sure are too many balls in the air around here. I appreciate you all. DDD
  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're going through all this, plus the added complications of when to tell grandson. Hugs to you, husband and to your grandson as well - I know this is going to be so tough for all of you, but you're strong, and you'll get through it. We're all here to lend support, love and prayers. You take care.
  14. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    3D---I think you need to be up front and honest with the boy. He will feel hurt and betrayed if not. Your relationship with him is like mine with my oldest---several years ago he came to stay for the weekend---I had an hematologist appointment for a blood disorder and the card was on the fridge. The Dr. worked through the Cancer Center. He saw it, but didn't ask me. He spent weeks worrying that his mom was dying and hadn't told him. He finally called one night in tears---and was hurt that I hadn't told him that I had cancer---even though I didn't.
  15. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Many (((HUGS)))) and prayers for your healing. How and when or even if you should tell your much loved difficult child will work itself out. You need to concentrate on you. I know you are worried about how difficult child will handle knowing that you are ill and that causes anxiety for you. Please take care of yourself first and foremost.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Guess it will be sooner rather than later. He was "hung over" this morning which has not happened much lately. Guess he's picked up the "vibe". Lordy I hope he can cope with-o substance support. Thanks for the caring input. DDD
  17. vligrl

    vligrl New Member

    Reading your story definatly puts things into perspective in terms of what is important in life. I wouldn't dream of knowing what advice to give you so all I'm offering is my heartfelt regret that you are going through this terrible ordeal and hope you find some solice in the love of your family and the family you have created here.
  18. I am so sorry to hear the news. It is a very treatable cancer and hope they will get it all and you will be fine. I used to be on this site as secretly sad. My difficult child is still difficult child, even though he is now 23 yrs old. I will keep you in my prayers.
  19. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    difficult child#1 now "knows". I don't know if that will lead to a night of pot smoking or boozing but I do know from our uncanny connection that he fears losing his "Mama". I did not present it negatively. Just gave the facts and said I would likely need support for six or eight weeks. Poor big immature baby. His first expression was "I need you to help me and then the second expression was Oh X...I need to step up to the plate." I hope he can adequately step up so he feels confident. Time will tell. DDD
  20. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    God Bless DDD

    My dad was diagnosis'd with stage 3B cancer when I was 14. I know every kid is different and that your difficult child 1 is older and has special issues -but for me it was the fear of the unknown and my own imagination that was my enemy. As his treatment progressed and his diagnosis changed (both bad and good) my parents (dad?) finally realized that being upfront with me was the least stressful for me. No awfulising (mom) and no "it will be all right" (dad). Just, this is my diagnosis, this is the prognosis, this is what I have decided to do, and the goal is to XXX. I will probably feel lousy and and I would appreciate it if you did this or didn't do this. No wild elaborations and no elusiveness; KISS - Know what I mean??

    XXOO stay strong, dear friend