<span style='font-size: 11pt'> <span style='font-family: Georgia'> <span style="color: #3333FF"> it's important to remember that old saying.....you know he's lying because his lips are moving. disregard every blah, blah, blah that comes out of his mouth.
jen, for your own sanity you have to detach.....stop worrying if he's working, lying, paying his CS. you have no influence & no control.
It's disheartening, but the others are right, you have to let it go. Lies are part of life with many of our difficult children. You'll drive yourself crazy if you try to figure it all out, and if your difficult child is like mine, he won't admit to the lie even when caught red-handed.
I also find it helpful to keep a sense of humor about the lies, whenever possible. I'd like to share a story with you.
A few years ago, Oldest was working at a local liquor store (oh, the irony). Her stepmother stopped in one day and when the clerk noticed her last name, she asked if she was related to Oldest difficult child. Clerk then asked if Oldest's sister was ok. Seems Oldest had called in sick that morning, saying that Youngest had been hit by a car while crossing a busy street while trying to skip school (ever notice that the more facts in a story, the more likely it is to be a lie?). Anyway. Stepmother, alarmed, called their dad.. who in turn called our house .. and of course Youngest difficult child answered. She was fine, of course, but furious that Oldest used her in such a bizarre lie. Oldest later claimed that she didn't remember the phonecall (eyeroll), she was half asleep and on painpills.
Anyway.. on to the humor part. Oldest was over at our place a day or so later. We were sitting at the table. Youngest said, "Oldest, can I bum a cigarette from you? I really need one, after being hit by the car and all yesterday."
I laughed SO hard. Oldest, of course, was furious.
I quit worrying whether a story was true or not. She starts to make an excuse, I just cut her off and say I don't want to hear why, just fix the problem. I will give her advice, guide her if asked, but I will not fix the problem nor will I listen to the story. It doesn't matter.
As to the tales just for the telling, I let her tell them. When she's done, I simply ask is if this is a "once upon a time" or something I can verify. Since she knows I will check if it might affect someone else, she will usually just walk away if not true. If she's lying to someone else and they ask, I will simply tell them the truth as I know it. I will not lie for her, I will not make excuses for her, I will not try to make her look good or save her from herself. That is up to her.
One of her more "intelligent" stories had me dead. Not dying, not ill, but dead. To top it off, I died from an accidental drug overdose. Her dog is a model and in several calendars. Monte the snake has been used in a few movies. She almost died from cat scratch fever. She owed a friend money and sent him a money order but he never got it. The fact he's still asking to be paid back speaks volumes to me. My all-time favorite is that she has a false leg due to cancer as a child. Sadly, none of these are true and she's been caught every time. It would seem the embarassment alone would stop the lying, but it doesn't. When she feels the need for sympathy, when she thinks she's in trouble, when she wants attention -- these are all times to lie. So, I feel bad for her but I won't enable her.
Jen...your son is now far past the age at which he can have the ODD diagnosis. Either he is now CD or he has a personality disorder. From what you have described I would wager on the latter but he would have to be tested.
My son is the consummate liar too. I simply dont believe a word he says unless I can verify it through outside sources. If he said it was raining I would glance out the window. Its all part and parcel of the manipulation they use to get their way.
Read up on conduct disorder and anti social personality disorder and see if those dont fit.
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: CrazyinVA</div><div class="ubbcode-body">No it was my story, sorry for the repeat, just though it fit the thread! (that's what I get for not posting often enough!) </div></div>
Oh don't be sorry. I just thought it was a funny story and I remembered it. I just figured there couldn't be two difficult child's that could come up with the same story. I knew I remembered it from somewhere. :rofl:
Thanks Crazy....I hadn't heard that before :smile: by the way...where've ya been?
Jen oh Jen.....are you trying to diagnosis and fix your difficult child? Hate to tell ya honey....it ain't gonna happen :nonono: You can hash it though the why's of this, they why's of that....it just never ends. Lying? they lie to get out of trouble which gets them in trouble :hammer: They believe their own lies and think it's real.
The best we can do when our difficult child's are the age ours are...is to just do the "I'm sure you'll figure it out honey" and do the SMOD (smile and nod).
I'm one of the worst at detaching....and even I'm doing better at it :smile:
I do like it better though when I don't see my difficult child's as much...I'm back to the out of sight out of mind.
Think I'll go find husband and do a little chasing..... :smile:
I am finally learning to cope by not asking any questions and by not donating any part of my brain matter to things that are not under my control. Its way too easy to find myself getting sucked up in a vortex of one kid or anothers life.
My eldest is far worse in the lying department than the youngest - if she told me the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, I would have to go stand outside all day to make sure thats actually the way it went.
I am the queen of "uh huh, ok, did I tell you that TP is on sale at the Piggly Wiggly this week?"
No matter what kind of story I get told I completely redirect it into some sort of mundane conversation about irrelevant events such as the price of toilet paper. Kinda throws things for a loop...lmao.
Jen, I think I am fairly logical so one of the things that absolutely makes me absolutely crazy is hearing something or being told something that doesn't really make any sense. I find myself thinking and pondering about it for days on end. And its not healthy.
Contact with my eldest is by occasional email and that is very superficial stuff - pretty sad but necessary to keep me from getting sucked into any drama vortex. I dont know whats going on and I find I am fine with that.