So it's now been 12 days since we last saw difficult child or heard from him (not replying to us in text or Facebook, not posting on Facebook). Just disappeared into oblivion. Well, we've all ridden this turnip truck before. It could mean many things. All we know is that when he disappears, it's never a good sign. Some of my old emotions around this are similar -- disappointment, sadness, frustration. But some of my emotions are new -- more easily detached, observing more, intermittent gratitude for the good days we did have. Wish it was constant gratitude, but at least it's intermittent. The more days that pass, the more my gratitude regains footing. Re: difficult child --- Haven't tried to locate him or contact him in over a week. Not planning to for however long feels good. Got insurance matters clarified and we do not have to pay for his Intensive Out-Pt rehab (IOP). We already paid for his In-Pt rehab. Water under the bridge now. Gave it a shot. Feel good about that. Not gonna pay for it next time, though. Also feel good about that. Re: Me --- As it's been 8 years since I've spent this much time around difficult child (except the last 2 weeks), I wanted to honestly observe/assess how it "felt" inside me to be around difficult child -- the ups and the downs. Discovered the "ups" between me and difficult child were improved a small bit (a thing to be grateful for). Discovered the "downs" inside of me were more quickly moved past (also a thing to be grateful for). However, I write today because I discover that it took 12 full days of me having ZERO contact with difficult child before I felt the "toxic-ness" of our relationship largely out of me. Good to note for reference and understanding myself a little better (regardless of whatever difficult child does).....also for certain kinds of boundaries. Re: husband --- I knew difficult child always took a toll on husband, but over the last 2-3 weeks husband has really been expressing how hard difficult child is on him. All the years of toll it took on him. All the disappointment he feels around trying to have a relationship with our "sketchy" son. husband tends to be less verbal than I about his emotions (in general). But it's been good for husband and me to share our feelings more deeply. The best thing I ever did was to marry husband. He is the brightest light in my life. In conclusion ---- Where is difficult child doing now? I dunno. What is he doing? I dunno. Why is he hiding and shunning contact? I dunno. Been here before, know this drill well. We love him and are always keeping a prayer for his health and happiness. However, as we also value our health and happiness, we will not be following him down the rabbit hole -- it's just too bizarro of a warped reality down there. We'll speak again when difficult child emerges and his intermittently fleeting window of sanity opens up again (it'll happen -- it always does).... Intermittently, it was a good month after he completed rehab (our best month in 8 years -- possibly our best month ever). So we are thankful for those fleeting days -- whatever the future brings.