Back after another while

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by bluebell, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I'm back here for support. We went thru a lot of bad times in 2017, but he finally ended up coming back and got a job busing tables last July, bought a couple of cars (the first one got totalled not his fault), and finished two college classes in this past spring semester and got an A and a B. It wasn't perfect he's had many emotional outbursts but nothing major. He did go from meth weight(140) to over 200 pounds very rapidly. And he's short. He refused counseling or evening drug program.
    He was taking a summer school class and almost dropped it but I had to talk him off the ledge a couple of weeks ago. He is highly intelligent, but it's a demanding class and I have been helping him by making sure he is aware of due dates and checking grades and things I shouldn't have to do. It just feels artificial. I think he's starting doing meth or benzos again because of his behavior. Then this past Thursday he quit his job. We understand it was a crappy job, but there was no plan to get another one and yesterday when we tried to approach him about his car payment (yes that we cosigned on, very stupid idea), he flipped out. He threatened to kill my husband. He was just trying to find out the plan and was even going to suggest if he went to school full time we would pay. He started pushing my husband and butting heads and my husband slapped him away. I hate that that happened. But Difficult Child continued to detail how he was going to kill him, using three different methods. So we kicked him out. That was easier said than done.
    He sat behind the park and blew up my phone until a friend picked him up. Then they came round and my daughter and her boyfriend took him his stuff. Now he is calling and texting me asking about his car and about class tonight. I am blocking all the numbers he has contacted me from.
    My husband is staying home from work today and going to get an order of protection against him. I think this time he really is afraid for his life. It is just so hard. I am working from home today fighting off another Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). I work in IT and had to work from home yesterday during all this. I feel like I'm drowning. I have to fight just wanting everything to go back to normal. Thank you for listening, any advice or support is welcome.
  2. Triedntrue

    Triedntrue Active Member

    I am so sorry things have gone south recently but you did the right thing. Even if your son doesn't mean to harm your husband the threats are scary and he needs to understand that they have consequences.since they had a physical altercation in my mind that makes it more serious as well. I have been through this with my son threatening his father and myself. We always lock our doors now and installed better locks where we hadnt done that in the past. As your son obviously doesn't have the means to pay for the car he shouldn't have it. Prayers are with you.
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  3. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Bluebell,

    I'm glad you reached out. Good to see on here again, I just wish it was a better situation. I'm so sorry for what you have been dealing with.

    This is scary. My son used to threaten to kill me in my sleep. While I think it's mostly their anger talking, I also think it's needs to be taken seriously, especially when drugs or alcohol are involved.

    I'm glad you asked him to leave your home, that was a very wise thing to do.

    If he's not making the payments and since you co-signed for the car, then you have every right to keep it. If he really wants the car then I would check into how you can get your name off the loan and let him deal with it on his own. You might also check into what would be involved in selling the car. You might lose some money but it may be an option.

    I think this is a very wise decision.

    Another wise decision.

    Your first priority needs to be safety for you, your husband and your home.

    You are doing all the right things Bluebell. I know how hard it is, I've been there. My son was ordered out of our home and into a group home when he was a teenager because he was so out of control and threatening me.

    I think your suspicions about your son using drugs again is probably accurate. I know when my son is using his behavior can be very ugly and violent.

    Please, please take care of yourself. Your health is important. Try and find some ways to relax and unwind. Take a drive in the country and stop for lunch somewhere you've never been. Take a picnic to the park. Go to a museum and look at some beautiful art. Go to the zoo. Find something that allows your mind to focus on something other than your son.

    Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

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  4. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hi BB,

    I am very sorry to hear of your situation. I think your husband is right to file for a restraining order and I totally support your decision to put him out. It's good though that your son was able to manage in college even if for a brief time and get some credits along with excellent grades. That might bode well for his future if he is able to get and stay clean.

    My DS sounds very similar to your son, intelligent but entitled and willing to use violence to get his way. In our case I thank God we are not in contact with him at the present time; he has chosen estrangement from us in order to stay enmeshed with, and enabled by, his codependent doormat of a father.

    Unfortunately in my case there is no such thing as normal with either of my stepsons regularly in the picture, they are toxic people with hearts full of hate for us on top of their mental illnesses. Sometimes the best route is loving from a safe distance until hopefully, things change. In your son's case, hopefully he will eventually get off drugs. It seems like those children whose primary issues are drug related often improve dramatically once they are clean.

    Best of luck and keep us posted.
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  5. Wish

    Wish Active Member

    You did all the right things. If I were your husband, I would be scared too. Keep your son far, far, far away for a long time. And I know that I don't need to tell you this, but Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)'s can become very serious. Stress is the absolute worse for Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)'s.
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  6. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    Your husband protected himself. Your son behaved very dangerously. You did what had to be done.

    Love and light
  7. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Thanks to you all.

    I am back from the dr. with antibiotics to help me fight the Urinary Tract Infection (UTI). I can usually fight them off with some different stuff, but I'm just under that bar today. He came by earlier begging and apologizing so glad husband was here to tell him on the front porch what needed to be said and that an order has been filed against him. I hope it keeps him away for a little while anyway. My 18 yo daughter and boyfriend are getting ready for a road trip tomorrow. I thought that would be the most stressful part of this week. Ha! Off to the eye doctor for a glaucoma check. I'm falling apart!
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  8. SeekingStrength

    SeekingStrength Well-Known Member

    Hi Bluebell,

    You most certainly have my support. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am following along and keeping you in my thoughts.

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  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm here too Bluebell......sending my warmest wishes for peace, the peace in knowing you did the right thing...
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  10. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    You are doing good in a hard spot. You acted quickly and decisively I think. Putting safety and boundaries first.

    Have gone thru similar of late and i have a Urinary Tract Infection (UTI) too.

    I have a one story house with 17 large windows. When I am here alone I feel like I am in a fishbowl and completely vulnerable. It is not a good feeling.I found myself wishing I was in the city of my birth with one front door, period.

    I had gone out to put water in the dog bowls, and as I was doing so, saw my son raise himself from relaxing on the back lawn. No awareness or recognition or caring that he was crossing a boundary.

    One thing I am recognising (belatedly) is that the focus needs to be on me. My health. My peace of mind. My sense of safety. My gains.

    I focused on what i wanted for my son. His safety. Security. Health. Well being. I trained him to locate my value in him. End. Of. That. Story.

    What you are doing besides securing your life is walking this back. By walking ourselves...we restore the equilibrium, the balance, in our lives.

    It's hard to hold on to that when we are hurt and sad. I know. That's why we are here together.

    Glad you came back.
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    Last edited: Jul 16, 2018
  11. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Hi Blue Bell;

    Hang in there. This is not an easy time that is for certain. Your son is ? Drugging and being defiant and not living by your rules. He is also threatening to do harm to your husband. A soul. An only take so much.

    Strong boundaries are a wise at this point in time. Not easy but very wise.
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  12. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    Kind of struggling here. I keep putting myself in Difficult Child's head. I have this curse where I can see all (or most) sides of a situation. Although flawed, he thinks I've chosen my husband over him. So it perpetuates his feelings of abandonment. I don't know how to fix that. I don't think I'm supposed to. I would kick him out if he threatened to kill my cat. So that's not choosing my cat over my son is it? His behavior is unacceptable. That's the bottom line.

    I hope you are feeling better. I'm still waiting on medications to kick in.
  13. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Your son is not owing his part in all of this. It's much easier for difficult adult children to blame their parents than it is to own up to their own out of control behavior. Our difficult children will also use certain statements as a manipulation tool. His feeling of thinking you chose your husband over him, as you said, is flawed but it evokes emotion in you. Your son is counting on those emotions to turn to guilt and guilt will turn to you giving into him. You can't fix it nor should you. Until your son truly owns up to his actions he will continue to blame you.

    When our difficult adult children's lives are going along as they think it should, no matter how dysfunctional, they are "happy" but as soon as something shifts and goes against how they think things should go, they become outraged, defiant, belligerent, basically they have huge tantrums.
    They only see that they have been "wronged" They do not understand why they can't continue to live under our roof's drinking, drugging and not working. They do not understand why we won't bail them out of jail. They do not understand why we don't just give them money or whatever it is they want. They refuse to accept responsibility for their actions.

    Our difficult adult children do not understand what "tough love" is, they just see it as we don't love them at all.
    If love alone could save our difficult adult children, we wouldn't need this site.

    Hang in there!! Hope you get to feeling better soon. Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)'s are not fun.
  14. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    I agree Tanya. I thought these tantrums were hopefully a phase somehow related to age or maturity. But how old does he have to be? He's almost 22 years old! And it is all in stark contrast to my daughter who would never dream of insulting or manipulating me this way. Now, she has her ways most definitely and in the end gets so much more from me in almost every way - money, time, emotional support, etc. I guess some people know you get more flies with honey!

    I can locate him on his phone, I'm not ready to turn that off yet although I have blocked him. It's over 100 degrees here and I want him to be able to call a ride. Last night he was at class. I need to quit looking though, it is just keeping me involved.
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  15. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    I think from what you have described, that your son's issues are stemming largely from substance abuse at this point.

    Addicts lie, steal, manipulate and betray. No matter how much they love you, an addict in full blown disease will do these things to ANYONE.
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  16. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    My son is 36 and can still act like he's 7 when things don't go the way he thinks they should of course he knows that I will not bend and will not give him what he wants. I used to, I used to give into him and help him out with money but I've been burned by him far too many times. My son will be getting out of jail sometime this fall and I'm sure he will play the pity party role trying to make me feel sorry for him. My son can be very creative with his manipulation. In the past he has used these tactics but I am wise to them. I will no longer fall for the "I'm all alone, no one cares, I don't know what I'm going to do, I don't know how I'll survive, I'd be better off dead, etc..........." My short simple response to him will be, "I'm sorry you are having a tough time, I'm sure you'll figure something out"

    I understand you wanting to know where he is but you are correct in that it's best to stop looking. Somehow these difficult adult kids always manage to get by. They are choosing to live their lives in a certain way and there are consequences, good or bad. The best thing we can do is step back and let them make their own mistakes. They are adults now even if they don't act like adults.
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  17. bluebell

    bluebell Active Member

    It's very hard to tell BB. He has always been a difficult child but became absolutely intolerable around 12, when he started seeking out substances. I don't know if the two can be separated at this point. Benzos do seem to give him paradoxical rage and he is quite the mean drunk.
  18. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    There you go, then. Your son is an addict and isn't ready to quit. We have another member here whose son made a miraculous turnaround after finally going to rehab and getting clean of drugs. He still has issues but he is much, much better than before.

    I feel more optimistic for your outcome than my own. I hope your son does eventually get to a point where he seeks sobriety and abstinence from substances. He has to do it himself. We can't force them. Sadly. All we can do is set boundaries around their behavior.
  19. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    You made good moves in my book.
    Kicked him out.
    Order of protection.
    I would change the house locks and get an alarm system if you don’t have one already.
    Consider checking out a group called Families Anonymous.
  20. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So sorry that you are dealing with this...again...Bluebell

    My son fancied benzos as well. I hate them with every fiber of my being.

    I agree. Your son is an addict. He is not ready to change or quit. If you suspect it, it is so. You know these behaviors are not HIM.

    I think you have to let him suffer the consequences of his drug use. Period. If you make anything easy for him you are only prolonging the disease. He cannot disrespect or threaten either of you or YOUR home.

    I had to remind myself of that many times. So many times.

    I agree on car. My son totaled his and luckily walked away and no one was hurt. I know that he has an angel watching over him.

    The only thing that has helped our son was finding his faith in God. This program has worked. He has been sober for 11 months. He has a clear head for the first time in 7 years.

    Can he relapse? Hell yes. That is what terrifies me. He will come home in November. A new state and a fresh start. If this doesn't work, nothing will.

    Please stay strong and get some help for yourself. You need firm boundaries. He needs them too. He's not a baby anymore.

    My son lost seven years of his life to this disease. Those are forever gone. It is terribly said and the pain is immeasurable for a parent.