Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Rhonda563, Jan 22, 2015.

  1. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

    Hi, I'm new to this group. I was researching some thoughts I had about my 26 yr old son,and came across this site.
    I have 2 adult children. My daughter isn't my problem,she will be 22 this month. We have some issues,but nothing like my son and I have.
    My son is totally disrepects me and causes alot of problems in the family unit. He has been a handful since he was little. He was diagnosed with add and a learning disability at the age of 5yrs. After alot of crap from his father we finally placed him on medications for the add. This helped him in school,but it still was hard at home. I was not planning to have any other children,because he was such a mess and I was dealing with him you mays well say on my own. My husband always has driven a truck for a living. My mom helped when she could. My husband instead of being a dad and being stern,he told him he was his buddy. Then if course I was the bad person. I lost a child between my son and daughter. Didn't realize I was pregnant. My son has always all about "ME"! Like my mom called him a me baby. There 5 yrs between my kids. Things just got worse because my daughter also had issues,didn't sleep but 2-3 hrs a night and had sever separation anxiety. I had both kids on medications. I wasn't getting any sleep and dealing with everything. I had no support from my husband at all. I spent my life ay school for both of these kids. When my son hit 13 you mays well say the you know what hit the fan. He just didn't want to listen at all. Started getting in troublle at school,he was in the ARD this was ti help with his learning issues. He started stealing small things from the houses,lieing and things just went on from there. His 9th grade yr he got caught with bars(zanx,spelling maybe wrong),anyway I got a phone call from the school district police. Telling me I could come and pick him up. I was totally devasted,ashamed felt like a total failure. I didn't even know how to tell my family. His father was out of town the day it happened. I went and got him and I didn't know what to stay to him other than I was so disappointed in him. We had to get him an Attorney. When we went to court,the da wanted to throw the book at him. This was a first offence. They put him(and of course me to) on 6 months of probation and 100 hrs.of community service. He was scared when in front of the judge. When we finally left there,he was back to himself. He was also ordered to do 6 months of a drup program. I put him in the Palmer Drug abuse program. For about a yr while he was in the program things were going really well. Then when he ageg out of the younger group.he didnt want to go to the older group. PDAP were the only functions he was aloud to do. Until he aged out and would have to go to the older group,he wouldn't go. It didn't make any difference about the boundries that were set,je would cause prblems when his dad was gone . He has stolen a diamond ring that was a 3ct.diamond ring belonging to my grandmother,my diamond earring,rings.he had the gual to give a young lady one og my rings and necklaces,he said he both for her.if he didnt get his way he made lifr hell for my daughter and I. We havent been a family,not ever. Any place I went wi t h him or anything,I worried what was going to happen next.He got to big for me to deal with getting him to school.I'm 5'8" and hes6'2.the only way he graduated was because I stayed home so a home teacher could come in 2 days a week. All he wanted to di us sleep and party with his so called buddies. They graduated him out og courtsey. So long as he could live off of us then he didn't give a rats you know what. No interested in getting his liscences,didn't want to work,just being lazy. I battled with this young man eveyday. It made no difference what I did,nothing Motivated him to do anything. He has destoyed my home.there are wholes inmy walls,doors jams are all messed up. You ask him to cut the grass,he wanted to be paid before hand. That wasn't going to happen,becausr the grass wouldnt get cut. I onldoes it when it suites him. Ive come home and Im not stupid that I dont know what pot smells like.all wirh other drug paraphernalia. He stills movies,anything he think he can get money for drugs. The police in precint 4 know who we are by name. I have kicked him out 2 didn't times,even helped h and his girl get into an apt.she just upped and left and went back to her parents,who raise her 2 children.Thats another story in its self. His father goes and gets him and tells him he has 1 month,well that turns into a yr plus. My husband and I have never been on the same page. Everything falls on me and all of this has fallen on my shoulders. It has taken alot of emotional stress on me with alot of depression and sleep issues.
    Police have been to our home so many times,our neighbors do not even talk to us. He starts things with anyone when he comes home drunk,which we've told him not to come home. His month overrides his butt. We bought him a tabley for christmas,he says something was wrong with it.Exchanged it for 1 less expensive. Haven't seen the tablet since. He gets mad when he's askef about it. There's so much more. M u husband will not do what needs to be done. Our son knows his father will cover for him. If O could my daughter and I would of already left
    I haven't worked enough out in the workfield. It seems like nothing Ive done for my kids was right. So long as Dad does what he does.why should my son leave. Like a councilor said,they are like a bottom feeder,if they dont need to get up why should they.have everything they need right there
    As far as Im concerned he should of been on his own when he was at least 19 or 20. He's lazy,unless its to go out with his girls and go drinking(always on someone elses money) I didn't raise him this way. Very selfish young man
    His sister has had to get in the midfle of us,because he will go after me. I had to lock myself in my room on several different times.Along with keeping mu purse and anything valuable locked up. He has cut his wrists on several occassions,he's scared for life, since he is over the age of 18 he cant be made to do anything.
    My marriage has been over for the last 5yrs plus. My husband wont stand with me and make our son leave our home. He helps with nothing unless he gets paid for it,bided wepay for everything anyway. As far as Im concerned I am No longer A parent,Im Mom.I'll be here for u with unconditional Love,listen and If I can Help . if I can't then I can't. His father is just the opposite. My husband had a problem about lying to me about things which. Hasn't help the problem easier
    There are some days if I could just sleep.I would sleep the day away. There's more.but I think I better end here for now. Thanks for Listening to me rant and rave you name it!
  2. Movingon23

    Movingon23 New Member

    I am new here also and my 23 year old daughter has been our problem.I know all the feelings you are going thru.I am sorry at least my husband and I are on the same page.We kicked her out when we found out she was using spice again after 10 days out of rehab. We kept our grandson for a year.We were con and let her move back in she is stilling doing spice.This time she left with her son.She now has another baby girl and both kids have dead beat dads. So she has a 4 yr old and 3 month old.She uses the kids to get money but that is not working on us anymore.We are standing strong hoping she starts making better choices.I have gone thru guilt anger sometimes hating her.You can have the police remove him from your house.Life is much better with just my husband and I and finally living our lives. I wish your husband would give you some support.I am so grateful I found this place knowing other people are going thru what we are.
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  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    You did not raise him this way. Drug use changes our kids into people we would not even have coffee with, let alone live with...but we love them, and we don't know what to do, next.

    I am sorry this is happening.

    You have found a good, supportive place. We are all in different stages, but we are learning and healing and standing up and getting stronger here together.

    I am so glad you are here, too.

    The challenge and chaos that surround drug addicted children can destroy our marriages, our finances, and our health. Though it doesn't feel like it right now, there are ways for us to figure out how to handle both ourselves and our kids. A good place to start would be Recovering Enabler's post on detachment at the top of the Parent Emeritus site.

    Al Anon will be a life-saver for you and for your husband too, if he will go. If he refuses (mine does), please consider going alone. It will be a source of strength for you, and as you come to know the other parents, you will realize not only that you are not alone, but that just like you, they did not raise their kids to do the things they are doing either.

    It's the drug use that is destroying our children and our families.

    It was nothing you did or did not do, Rhonda.

    Welcome. I am glad you found us. Others of us will be along, soon.

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  4. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

    Thanks Cedar.
  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    So sorry you had to join us, but glad you are here.

    If he isn't going to change and your husband is not going to take a reasonable stand, the only thing I can think of is you and your daughter leaving to get some peace. Your son is a man now, acting like a little boy, and you have no control over your husband's behavior toward him or your son's behavior. I would tell you to perhaps tell them both to leave, but you know your husband won't and he won't agree with you that your son should go.

    If you are being abused by either, verbally or physically, a good place to go for a fresh start and a lot of help is your nearest domestic abuse shelter. Violent verbal talk or ridicule is abuse. In our center, they put women up and help them get services and housing and jobs.

    If you want to stay, perhaps you need to start counseling to learn to cope with the madness. Getting a job, making friends of your own, doing things without your husband and son, making your own life while sleeping there is an option. You will fall apart eventually if you stay engaged in this sad situation. Do you have any family/friends to help you out? If not, you will need to do what I did and form your own support system. One way to start is to go to Al-Anon.That sort of a group is very helpful and also leads to friendship. You need not tell your husband where you are going if you afraid to. You are also an adult and nobody can tell YOU what to do either and you don't have to answer to either husband or son.

    Does your husband drink too much or abuse drugs too? He sounds very controlling and hard to live with and not very mature.
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  6. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

    He was really controling for many yrs. When I continued to go the the PDAP parent meetings he hated it. But I still went. He doesn't try to control like iy use to do. I havr been in 2 car accidents that has resulted in neck and back surgery.and the outcome was additional problems for me physically. So that makes,it almost impossible to find work,can't. Get s.s. disability because I dont have enough credits. As far as can forget that,my youngest brother and his family have pretty much dont have anything to do with us because my daughter is gay. I thought alot about many things
    Some days the only way I stay calm is because of all the medications Im on for.stress,migraines,highblood pressure,depression,anxiety.not sleeping
    I feel like some days whats the use. I stayed with my husband because O wanted my kids to havr both patents. Mu mother married twice so I know what thats all about along with being molested by my adopted father. It just seems like all I did was make matters worse for my kids and me.
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Don't beat yourself up for your decisions. You did the best you could.

    If you are on SSDI you could get housing.

    I still recommend getting your own support system. I had to do it. I had no supportive family either. How close-minded and old fashion of your brother, but he is what he is.

    Sounds like you are very depressed. Maybe a personal therapist would help you a lot too. There are county mental health centers t hat do not require a ton of money. I pay a $3 co-pay when I go yet my therapist is very good. As you can see, the stress you are under is making you feel terrible. There are ways out, even on SSDI (which I am on). Talk to your caseworker. Tell her the truth. We have to be willing to ask for help or we won't get it.I still think the domestic abuse center is a good way to go as well. Living with a drug addict is a recipe for abuse and your husband is abusive too. Lots of doctors and university medical clinics take Medicaid and Medicaid covers almost everything. At least in our state you get Medicare and Medicaid if you are on SSDI.

    I'm sorry you are going through this garbage. It is time to put yourself first and make a life for yourself, even if you have a struggling child. Most of us on this forum are trying to do just that. We have 0% control of others, but 100% control over ourselves and our own decisions and choices. We are free as a bird to decide our own futures. Lots of people on SSDI, like me, have good lives and some even work part-time or volunteer. The upside of volunteering, besides the new friends you make and the knowledge that you are helping others, is that you can choose which jobs you are able to do and which ones you can't do. You an go to school and read with little kids. You can go to the humane society and spend time wit the cats, helping the socialize. This just requires being there and petting and brushing them. If you can drive, you can take people to medical appointments.

    If I were you, I'd rather rent a room in a private home, which should not cost much, than stay in that loony bin you call your home. But all these decfisions are up to you and you know what will be best for yourself.

    Never give up. You are precious and important. Keep posting. We are all here to help you.
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    Last edited: Jan 23, 2015
  8. 2much2recover

    2much2recover Well-Known Member

    Rhonda, I am so sorry this is happening to you and your daughter right now. It does sound like your son is out of control on drugs and that also maybe masking any other disorders or mental illness he has going on. Having said that, you do not have to allow this son of yours who has turned into a vicious bully to live with you anymore. With the behavior you are describing he has no respect for you or any boundaries you should require of him. Perhaps it has come to a time where you need to change the locks on the door or use the police reports to have him evicted from your home. What you have been suffering is abuse from your own child. Yes, domestic violence can be perpetrated on family members. From what you have written you have suffered the following types of DV: Mental and emotional abuse, and financial abuse (theft of your personal items)
    Possibly the relationship between you and your husband has broken down because by the time your husband returns from the road the whole house is in an uproar. (Not that I am blaming you here for that breakdown - that is the fault of your son for bringing the turmoil into the home)
    I too, would encourage you to join AL-anon but also seek information from your local domestic violence center for help in extracting your son from your home. You, and your daughter deserve to live better than you have been living. I am glad you found this group for support. You will get different ideas on how to handle things going forward and with any support group take what works for you and leave the rest.
  9. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

  10. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

    Thanks,its nice to have people to talk to that are or have gone thru the things I've been dealing with.
  11. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    That is not true.

    You protected your children from the kinds of hurt you had been exposed to
    by staying with your husband against what would have been your preference had you had only yourself to think about.

    These are rare and courageous acts.

    I am very sure you thought about leaving him more than once.

    The betrayal here is your husband's. Real men, good men, do not take advantage of the positions their wives and dependent children find themselves in. To abuse and attempt to control you when he had to know you would not leave him because you were determined to protect your children from the kinds of abuse you suffered as a child at the hands of other bad men was a very, very wrong thing.

    A very bad thing.

    Your husband knows what he is doing.

    I believe that when we judge one another based on sexuality or race ~ or pretty much anything, really ~ what we are really showing the world is that we are weak and ugly people, people who will use anyone or anything to bully and victimize in order to feel better ~ better than the other guy that is ~ about who they are, themselves.

    It's a pretty cheap shot. Things like this have been going on forever because there have been weak or cowardly people, forever

    Your brother is wrong.

    Again, you have reacted with bravery and courage. You chose to go it alone rather than betray your child.

    You are an amazingly strong woman. You just don't see yourself that way, yet.

    In my own life, I have learned that when I give my power away ~ whether it is the power of self perception or any other meanness to myself, any other way I am trapped and allow it out of fear ~ that is when I cannot be calm.

    Those feelings, I believe, are there to help you be stronger and recreate yourself and your life. Your children are adults, now.

    You can no longer protect them.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you. You are here with us, now. Little by little, things will begin to feel differently to you. There will be better days and worse times but on the whole, you will begin to feel stronger, now that you are not alone with it, anymore.

    I am so glad you are here with us.


  12. looneytoonmom

    looneytoonmom New Member

    Thanks Cedar...
  13. jetsam

    jetsam Active Member

    I am new here as well. have not posted yet just listening. Your life could be Mine!!! I think our sons were twins separated at birth lol (sorry levity helps me sometimes.) I have walked in your shoes and still do. Its a little bit better these days since i found a NARANON group to go to once a week. It does help. They gave me tools to help me cope. they reminded me its not my fault and I will tell you too, its not your fault! I guess the best thing i am learning is detachment. It sounded horrible the first time i heard it...How could i detach from my child! but if you want to survive you need to try to do this.Iit doesn't mean you stop loving your child you just take back your own life a little at a time. I have found joy again in simple things and actually do not feel like crawling into bed and never coming out again like i used to. MY son is 29 and Have gone through the exact same things as you since he was a child. (I think we knew he had ADHD by the time he was in nursery school, thats when the teachers notes started coming home! From there it progressed, medication not helping much for any length of time, etc...drugs, police taking him from the house for bench warrants for not showing up to court...etc. etc. so I feel your pain! I mean really feel it! I found as I started pulling away and not being there for everything at any time has helped. He sees I won't do for him like i used to and he has started doing a little more for himself. The only one who can help my son is he himself. All my wishing and pleading and trying to fix things did absolutely nothing to help him. If anything i was enabling him by coming to the rescue all the time. So I started to take my life back little by little. And I pray he gets to the point where he has had enough of the life he is living and wants for more. Till then i put my faith in my higher power and hope he will find his higher power too.
  14. Ironbutterfly

    Ironbutterfly If focused on a single leaf you won't see the tree

    If you got a divorce, you would be entitled to half his 401K /pension if there is one. He would have to pay alimony perhaps. I really would try to work part time somewhere so you can get the credits to qualify for SSDI.

    Get a protection order/eviction order and just get him out of the house. What will husband do? Will he leave? If he does, he will have to pay alimony. If he doesn't leave, at least son is out of house.

    Does your daughter work and perhaps she could find a place for you both?
  15. MaryJane

    MaryJane New Member

    Like movingon23, I could have written your post also with the exception that my husband and I are on the same page. I wish I had the answers. But I agree- our life was so, so much better for the year our daughter was out of the house. Wish we would have never let her back in.