Can't go into psychiatric hospital and too sick to function without daily help. Any suggestions?

ThreeShadows

Quid me anxia?
Since I am the mother of three adoptees, you'd better believe I care about you and your struggles! I remember asking you if Scott's denial of you was playing a part in your fears about your teen daughter.

It's strange, when I got the phone call about twin baby boys who needed a home, the VERY first thought that came into my mind was "one day I will have two daughters-in-law whith whom I can have a relationship!". I was THAT desperate for family and female contact.

My difficult children have repeatedly chosen very poor excuses for GFs, they have been shameless in their behaviors.

My therapist once told me that life is a roller coaster and that I was being unrealistic when I expected to reach a "plateau" of calm and serenity. I just wish this were the "baby ride", not such a scary adrenaline producing adventure.

HUGS MWM!
 
N

Nomad

Guest
I'm so sorry you are hurting and I'm unsure of the context of the original post.

I can say a few general things...

I adopted my daughter (difficult child) partially because I was so desperate for a little girl. I was close to my mother and she died young. I'm an only "child." Life didn't turn out as I expected in any way along these fronts. Instead, there has been much strife and what I expect will be lifelong concerns.

I was very fortunate in that our son married a lovely girl...I have a nice daughter in law. However, they married recently and moved to another town and I rarely hear from her anymore...she is busy, etc. I am a bit forlorn.

Perhaps life is like this...certainly not as we expected.

Many losses...but the key is to move forward and to also learn to replace what we thought we had or hoped to have with other things and people.

Additionally, I have learned (not easily by any means) not to give my daughter so much power. Sometimes I am fooled...mostly because I want it sooo badly, that I almost imagine things are different.

If there is real evidence of a change...well that's difference. But, I can't count on it and I can't fabricate it.

Especially if your daughter in law is bitter, has significant problems of her own (and if I recall correctly...all of this things are the case), then I wouldn't concern yourself in the least if she doesn't care for you or is unkind to you.

Pay close attention to your spouse...as well as any children and good friends you have who are kind and loving...and you in return be loving and kind back.

Are you seeing your therapist regularly? Appointments will help you through your grief/loss.

In time and with effort, I do think you will feel better. Be sure to be kind to yourself...spend time doing things you enjoy and with people who are enjoyable.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Thanks all.
I just got back from the therapist.
Hospitalization is an option I have, but not sure I want to go there. Therapist wanted to get me into Day Treatment, which would have been perfect, but it was cut! Isn't that great???
I will never get involved in my grown kids problems again, no matter what they are. I had to work mine out. They can work out their own. With my own anxiety tending to spiral out of control, they just won't be able to count on me for this sort of support. It's too hard.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
You know something MWM. You need to know that your daughter in law is a jerk. I told you before that I would have loved to have had a mother in law like you. One thing I've learned in 45 years is you can't fix stupid. AND you can't fix anyone else either. You can support them, and love them and try to help them to a point, but not to the point of tearing yourself up. I'm not going to say that getting to the point that you are at is a good thing, but maybe in a way it is. If it took you all this to realize that you will never allow it to happen again and will draw your line in the sand and begin to figure out a few things about yourself then I think while it's not a good thing you feel this way - it can be a therapeutic thing in that you recognize you need Mr. Toads wild ride to stop.

So many things have happened to you in the last few years that I don't think you've even given yourself a chance to get through one thing before you were off and running on another crisis. My therapist told me I packed stuff away or rather stored it, and stuffed it. To me? You don't so much store it as stack it, and stack it and stack it- and you just keep piling things until your piles get so high and then you start a new pile and you remind me very much of a Chinese acrobat who keeps several plates spinning on a stick simultaneously. It's (to me) like you feel if you let just one plate stop - they all will or you'll feel like you've let everyone down or yourself down or you have this innate desire to show the world I CAN DO IT or I'll SHOW YOU I can do it all - or the "Watch me" attitude. While it's commendable, I guess to some it can be a turn off. ME? I'm just amazed with people like you. I haven't the steam or the ambition any longer. SO when I meet someone who can keep spinning plates part of me wants to say - "Hey you - plate spinner - why don't you put like mmm I dunno 12 or 15 of those fragile pieces of spinning things down and go have some fun with your life? and then there is the other part of me that just has to sit back and say to someone Do you see this girl "DANG" I bet she can go 3, no 4 more plates and not break one - not a single one, but I feel so sad for her when does SHE get to enjoy HER life?." I mean - pft...YEAH you can do it - but for how long? And there's the rub-30 years? 40 years? 50 years? But why? You have so many other really really cool gifts to share with others but you get so busy spinning the lost son birthday card plate, and the daughter in law plate, and the son needs divorce advice plate, and the husband smokes cigarettes plate, and the we have to move plate, and the daughter doesn't want to be trailer life plate....and not once - NOT ONE SINGLE TIME - in all the stuff you post about - DO I HEAR - MWM needs a hug plate spinning, or MWM could use a hair do-plate, or MWM needs a makeover plate, or MWM needs a girls night out plate, - SELFLESS...it's a rare quality. I love you for that. :D BUT.....IT's time for MWM. I think once you wrote about your DOG....(that does not count). :confused:

So my question to you is.....and if I were there having coffee with you I would have already said why aren't you taking the time for yourself?
YOU are the most important person in your family. Without you? husband is clueless - your daughter would fall apart? Your son? (okay he needs his own help, but think about it). Right now? You need to take care of YOU and that means YOU....it's not being selfish - it means YOU FIRST....if it takes a month in the psychiatric hospital.....SO WHAT? How much of your life have you given to others that has gotten you so upset and twisted and to this point? A month isn't a very long time to help you untangle 40 years. Is it? No. (pours more coffee) And I'm telling you this....If you don't think people like you now (which is a totally INCORRECT, WRONG & poor guess on your part - sorry but it is:tongue:) - then keep going like you are and get more twisted....then it may not be a poor guess - then you could be right. (think about that huh:surprise:?)
Honestly - WE NEED YOU HERE. :redface: YOU ARE AN INTEGRAL part of this family. You are a strong voice and always have been when it comes to children. You advocate for Aspergers and are a wealth of information for adoptive parents. That's not something you find everyday.

So SISTER o MINE.......GET THEE TO THE pHOPS and GET THEE WELL.

Your son has more problems than you can help him with - you are not a trained psychiatrist. Even with a trained psychiatrist it's going to take him a long time in therapy to help him. Let HIM make that decision to go, get himself straightened out.

Your daughter in law - Has more problems that you can help her with 0 you are not a trained psychiatrist. Even with a trained psychiatrist it's going to take her a long time in therapy to help her. Let HER make that decision to go, get herself straightened out. If she doesn't? The sad reality of it is that she had a great mother in law, blew the realtionship and takes your grandson with her. You'll have to find someway in thearpy to detach, hard as it is.

Your Husband - Is a wonderful man that smokes - You can't stop smoking for him, BUT you can find a way to address your concerns in a manner that can make him understand the only reason you have said anything about his smoking is because you love him, fear loosing him and want him to be around as you do not want to be alone in your golden years. Also as the WOMAN of the house? You can put your foot down and demand that there be no more smoking in the house or your car. This has helped in our house a lot. - Mostly because I don't gag.

Yourself? - You are a wonderful person, friend, wife and Mother. You really are a great mother in law - but your daughter in law is a dummy - so nertz to her. As far as your other 2 sons that went off and found "religion"? Ah well - here's a flash - I have studied a lot of other religions and no other religion that I have ever studied forbids you from hob-nobbing with sinners - is a true faith based religion. Not to make it a debate - but in short? Your sons religion is hog wash as all religions teach you to honor your parents. He hides behind it. I have always felt this was more to do with his adoption stigma and where he feels his "loyalties" should lay than with you and will forever. His brain - not your raising.

Your hubby>> Probably scared out of his tree right now because you have been - THE PROVERBIAL PLATE SPINNER...and they have all come crashing down. I say GOOD. LET THEM LAY MWM. Don't you even pick up one stick. (I swear I'll run up to wherever you are and break all the sticks and plates you have) lol. Let them lay.....let someone else do something else for a while......seriously.

As your friend I am advising you - to just BE. Take a walk, listen to the breeze, sit somewhere and watch people, pick up some fall leaves....have a day of total meaningful yet useless doings. A day just dedicated to YOU. Can you do that? It's a start on allowing yourself to heal. Not answering the phone, talking to anyone or hearing THEIR problems. THey don't necessarily have to hear yours - but for an entire week - you don't hear anyone elses.

I think you should consider a bubble bath......going to bed early - with super soft sheets, dotted with baby powder (oh do it -I know sounds sissy lala....just try it - it's very nice) make yourself a cup of hot tea or coffee, or a nice beverage.....listen to some soothing music....stay off of posts here that say HELP ME.....just for a while....everything this week? IS ABOUT YOU....no one else....TELL EVERYONE IT'S YOU WEEK.....

it's not selfish - it's salvation dear......and at the end of the week.....think about how much you are the most important person in your world.....and maybe think that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you allowed yourself some time in the psychiatric hospital....not where anyone really wants to be....if it's where we wanted to be - there would be parties there huh? But it's a need to be place.....and don't forget if you get into craft class you can draw me a donkey. :tongue: - well I'd make YOU something pretty if you asked. ;)

You just figure out who you are - and the rest will fall into place....

GO and FIND YOUR HAPPY! WE'll be here.

Love & Hugs & More love
Star
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
You know something MWM. You need to know that your daughter in law is a jerk. I told you before that I would have loved to have had a mother in law like you. One thing I've learned in 45 years is you can't fix stupid. AND you can't fix anyone else either. You can support them, and love them and try to help them to a point, but not to the point of tearing yourself up. I'm not going to say that getting to the point that you are at is a good thing, but maybe in a way it is. If it took you all this to realize that you will never allow it to happen again and will draw your line in the sand and begin to figure out a few things about yourself then I think while it's not a good thing you feel this way - it can be a therapeutic thing in that you recognize you need Mr. Toads wild ride to stop.

So many things have happened to you in the last few years that I don't think you've even given yourself a chance to get through one thing before you were off and running on another crisis. My therapist told me I packed stuff away or rather stored it, and stuffed it. To me? You don't so much store it as stack it, and stack it and stack it- and you just keep piling things until your piles get so high and then you start a new pile and you remind me very much of a Chinese acrobat who keeps several plates spinning on a stick simultaneously. It's (to me) like you feel if you let just one plate stop - they all will or you'll feel like you've let everyone down or yourself down or you have this innate desire to show the world I CAN DO IT or I'll SHOW YOU I can do it all - or the "Watch me" attitude. While it's commendable, I guess to some it can be a turn off. ME? I'm just amazed with people like you. I haven't the steam or the ambition any longer. SO when I meet someone who can keep spinning plates part of me wants to say - "Hey you - plate spinner - why don't you put like mmm I dunno 12 or 15 of those fragile pieces of spinning things down and go have some fun with your life? and then there is the other part of me that just has to sit back and say to someone Do you see this girl "DANG" I bet she can go 3, no 4 more plates and not break one - not a single one, but I feel so sad for her when does SHE get to enjoy HER life?." I mean - pft...YEAH you can do it - but for how long? And there's the rub-30 years? 40 years? 50 years? But why? You have so many other really really cool gifts to share with others but you get so busy spinning the lost son birthday card plate, and the daughter in law plate, and the son needs divorce advice plate, and the husband smokes cigarettes plate, and the we have to move plate, and the daughter doesn't want to be trailer life plate....and not once - NOT ONE SINGLE TIME - in all the stuff you post about - DO I HEAR - MWM needs a hug plate spinning, or MWM could use a hair do-plate, or MWM needs a makeover plate, or MWM needs a girls night out plate, - SELFLESS...it's a rare quality. I love you for that. :D BUT.....IT's time for MWM. I think once you wrote about your DOG....(that does not count). :confused:

So my question to you is.....and if I were there having coffee with you I would have already said why aren't you taking the time for yourself?
YOU are the most important person in your family. Without you? husband is clueless - your daughter would fall apart? Your son? (okay he needs his own help, but think about it). Right now? You need to take care of YOU and that means YOU....it's not being selfish - it means YOU FIRST....if it takes a month in the psychiatric hospital.....SO WHAT? How much of your life have you given to others that has gotten you so upset and twisted and to this point? A month isn't a very long time to help you untangle 40 years. Is it? No. (pours more coffee) And I'm telling you this....If you don't think people like you now (which is a totally INCORRECT, WRONG & poor guess on your part - sorry but it is:tongue:) - then keep going like you are and get more twisted....then it may not be a poor guess - then you could be right. (think about that huh:surprise:?)
Honestly - WE NEED YOU HERE. :redface: YOU ARE AN INTEGRAL part of this family. You are a strong voice and always have been when it comes to children. You advocate for Aspergers and are a wealth of information for adoptive parents. That's not something you find everyday.

So SISTER o MINE.......GET THEE TO THE pHOPS and GET THEE WELL.

Your son has more problems than you can help him with - you are not a trained psychiatrist. Even with a trained psychiatrist it's going to take him a long time in therapy to help him. Let HIM make that decision to go, get himself straightened out.

Your daughter in law - Has more problems that you can help her with 0 you are not a trained psychiatrist. Even with a trained psychiatrist it's going to take her a long time in therapy to help her. Let HER make that decision to go, get herself straightened out. If she doesn't? The sad reality of it is that she had a great mother in law, blew the realtionship and takes your grandson with her. You'll have to find someway in thearpy to detach, hard as it is.

Your Husband - Is a wonderful man that smokes - You can't stop smoking for him, BUT you can find a way to address your concerns in a manner that can make him understand the only reason you have said anything about his smoking is because you love him, fear loosing him and want him to be around as you do not want to be alone in your golden years. Also as the WOMAN of the house? You can put your foot down and demand that there be no more smoking in the house or your car. This has helped in our house a lot. - Mostly because I don't gag.

Yourself? - You are a wonderful person, friend, wife and Mother. You really are a great mother in law - but your daughter in law is a dummy - so nertz to her. As far as your other 2 sons that went off and found "religion"? Ah well - here's a flash - I have studied a lot of other religions and no other religion that I have ever studied forbids you from hob-nobbing with sinners - is a true faith based religion. Not to make it a debate - but in short? Your sons religion is hog wash as all religions teach you to honor your parents. He hides behind it. I have always felt this was more to do with his adoption stigma and where he feels his "loyalties" should lay than with you and will forever. His brain - not your raising.

Your hubby>> Probably scared out of his tree right now because you have been - THE PROVERBIAL PLATE SPINNER...and they have all come crashing down. I say GOOD. LET THEM LAY MWM. Don't you even pick up one stick. (I swear I'll run up to wherever you are and break all the sticks and plates you have) lol. Let them lay.....let someone else do something else for a while......seriously.

As your friend I am advising you - to just BE. Take a walk, listen to the breeze, sit somewhere and watch people, pick up some fall leaves....have a day of total meaningful yet useless doings. A day just dedicated to YOU. Can you do that? It's a start on allowing yourself to heal. Not answering the phone, talking to anyone or hearing THEIR problems. THey don't necessarily have to hear yours - but for an entire week - you don't hear anyone elses.

I think you should consider a bubble bath......going to bed early - with super soft sheets, dotted with baby powder (oh do it -I know sounds sissy lala....just try it - it's very nice) make yourself a cup of hot tea or coffee, or a nice beverage.....listen to some soothing music....stay off of posts here that say HELP ME.....just for a while....everything this week? IS ABOUT YOU....no one else....TELL EVERYONE IT'S YOU WEEK.....

it's not selfish - it's salvation dear......and at the end of the week.....think about how much you are the most important person in your world.....and maybe think that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you allowed yourself some time in the psychiatric hospital....not where anyone really wants to be....if it's where we wanted to be - there would be parties there huh? But it's a need to be place.....and don't forget if you get into craft class you can draw me a donkey. :tongue: - well I'd make YOU something pretty if you asked. ;)

You just figure out who you are - and the rest will fall into place....

GO and FIND YOUR HAPPY! WE'll be here.

Love & Hugs & More love
Star
 

jbrain

Member
Hi MWM,
I'm late to this and other people had lots of smart, true things to say so I won't repeat them. I just wanted to say that I sure do care about you and I like you too! Often I will read a post and responses to it and be kind of afraid to say something different and then you post and say what I was thinking but was not confident enough to say myself. You and I seem to see things in a similar way even if our personalities are probably quite different.

I hope you are feeling better soon and I will be thinking of you fondly.

Hugs,
Jane
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Oh, Star, you are the best...I don't even know what to say except THANK YOU! :D You are all wonderful.

Yes, yes, yes, I have spent my life taking care of everyone except me. But each time I get kicked for it I change a little bit and the incident with my son Scott really changed me, but also made me afraid I'd lose my other children.

I would like to say I no longer care, but that's a lie because I love them. But I can't control them either. My sons chose their wives and are putting them first, as they should. If they feel that means they have to throw away everyone else or put their wive's families first, well, "A son is a son till he gets him a wife..." we all know that one. If I can't spend the few times a year I'm in Illinois spoiling my grandson without daughter in law interference then I'll enjoy the others who are there and only visit on holidays. I think my grandson would really love me a lot if he got to know me, but then maybe that's why daughter in law doesn't want him to know me. I'm very nurturing and her family isn't...when they're sober. So sadly in a way it isn't just my loss. It will also be his. But I can't do anything about that. My son says it's because I live three hours away, but lots of kids are close to grandparents that don't live right down the block and they look forward to the visits. Unfortunately for me and my grandson, this just will not be us. My daughter will give me a grandchild I can spoil one day :)

What do *I* want? Peace and quiet. My small town I live in. My few, good friends. My writing. My dogs (I can't leave out my dogs and cats because I think they have wonderful, loving spirits and that humans can learn a lot from them). I want to get my hair cut. I WILL GET IT CUT...lol. I want my hub to hug me...he will. I want to forget about my grown kid's problems because I raised them already. Whether or not I did a good job, I did the best job I know how. Now they have to make their own way in the world.

I'm holding off on the hospital, but not because of anyone but me. I really don't want to go in. However, if things don't improve, I'll admit myself. My therapist called and they are ready for me if I want to voluntarily go in.

Thanks to everyone here for helping me through a hard day. (((Hugs)))
 

witzend

Well-Known Member
I will never get involved in my grown kids problems again, no matter what they are. I had to work mine out. They can work out their own. With my own anxiety tending to spiral out of control, they just won't be able to count on me for this sort of support. It's too hard.

I hope you won't be too hard on yourself for having fallen into this trap. I think it's one that anyone can fall into, not just parents of difficult child's, or adults with issues of their own. It's just one of the adult lessons that we get to learn the hard way.
 

timer lady

Queen of Hearts
MWM ~ I'm so sorry you're feeling so low that you need this level of help. I'm so glad you recognize it.

Wish there was something I could do to help - I have a guest area upstairs you can bunk in if you need to getaway. 2 hours at the most to my home.

Take care of you. Be gentle with yourself. Cling to husband as much as you need while you rebuild.
 

everywoman

Well-Known Member
Yeah, what Star said!!!
MWM---the main issue you need to work on is self-value. We have all had times when one or more of our children haven't liked us. I went through a similar time a few years ago when my daughter in law cheated on my son, and he called me daily. It was horrible. He even called me when he was in his garage with a rope, ready to hang himself. I made him seek counseling and got some anxiety medications for myself. It was a rough time, but as a family we all made it through. daughter in law came to her senses (I really think she had severe postpartum psychosis) and they have been able to move past their issues. I had to, my son's sake, for my grandson's sake, and for my own sake, forgive her. I'm sorry you are hurting, but you are not responsible for the actions of other people. Only for what you do yourself. Do what you know is right even when others don't. Live by the golden rule. In the end, you will be a happier person.
 

Star*

call 911........call 911
MWM -

First off - you are so welcome:redface: -I am glad you're feeling a little better. That's what the beauty of this board is about. Support. Whether it's a helping or kind word or a smack on the kiester with a feather - :tongue:.

Also - LOOK how many people stopped right in the middle of what they were doing to tell you how much you are cared about. Just look. Even if it were only one person - that's more than a lot of people in the world have, and EveryWoman is right - and I love what she said - Live by the Golden Rule.

I thought about this a lot last night - I mean a lot. I thought about you and one thing kept really bothering me about something you said. You said something like you wondered if people here (on the board) even liked you at all. Honey -why is this place a measure for you or anyone else? No need to answer because I get what you meant - but I want to explain something to you and hopefully it will help you or anyone else that is lurking/reading/thinking they maybe don't fit in right.

I never fit. I'm a square peg in a round society all my life. I never fit most places all my life. Try as I may - I just never did. When I got married I was so happy. I figured - OH yeah - hey here's a place where I will be accepted - because I am family. Nope. If I was a square peg in a round society everywhere else - in that family - I think I must have been a hexagon peg in an amoeba shaped, hole. No fit again. I couldn't have been a bigger outcast. Twenty-three years of being an outsider didn't quite prepare me for the next thirteen years of being a lonely little petunia in an onion patch. It seemed like - no matter where I went - I didn't fit. How could someone be so outside every group, every crowd....?

Then I started therapy. Found out I really didn't like MYSELF. So many years of issues on top of issues like philo dough - paper thin layers of disappointment after disappointment after - well you get the idea - and therapy is just like peeling one layer after another away until you find the person who is under all that garbage (or dough in this metaphore) and figuring out why all that stuff got lumped on top or why you put stuff on top of yourself to protect yourself from BEING hurt further. (in your case your kids, your jerky-daughter in law-weed) I added weed - like it? :tongue: and eventually what you come to realize is that you packed so much stuff around you to shield you from DO YOU LIKE ME? WHY DON"T YOU LIKE ME - that you forget WHO you are.....and stop liking yourself. :(

So.....today -----since you are NOT going to go to the psychiatric hospital - your choice.....and since you are struggling with liking yourself. (yeah yeah whatever - pft -) YOUR ASSIGNMENT FOR TODAY - should you choose to accept it 0014 (OMG IS THAT NOT THE FUNNIEST - I'm 0014 because I'm twice as smart and twice as good looking as 007) -

Is to make a list - of ALL THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF.......
AT LEAST 50
THEN - I want you to tell us - 10 things - that you do good.

Hugs
Star
 
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