You know something MWM. You need to know that your daughter in law is a jerk. I told you before that I would have loved to have had a mother in law like you. One thing I've learned in 45 years is you can't fix stupid. AND you can't fix anyone else either. You can support them, and love them and try to help them to a point, but not to the point of tearing yourself up. I'm not going to say that getting to the point that you are at is a good thing, but maybe in a way it is. If it took you all this to realize that you will never allow it to happen again and will draw your line in the sand and begin to figure out a few things about yourself then I think while it's not a good thing you feel this way - it can be a therapeutic thing in that you recognize you need Mr. Toads wild ride to stop.
So many things have happened to you in the last few years that I don't think you've even given yourself a chance to get through one thing before you were off and running on another crisis. My therapist told me I packed stuff away or rather stored it, and stuffed it. To me? You don't so much store it as stack it, and stack it and stack it- and you just keep piling things until your piles get so high and then you start a new pile and you remind me very much of a Chinese acrobat who keeps several plates spinning on a stick simultaneously. It's (to me) like you feel if you let just one plate stop - they all will or you'll feel like you've let everyone down or yourself down or you have this innate desire to show the world I CAN DO IT or I'll SHOW YOU I can do it all - or the "Watch me" attitude. While it's commendable, I guess to some it can be a turn off. ME? I'm just amazed with people like you. I haven't the steam or the ambition any longer. SO when I meet someone who can keep spinning plates part of me wants to say - "Hey you - plate spinner - why don't you put like mmm I dunno 12 or 15 of those fragile pieces of spinning things down and go have some fun with your life? and then there is the other part of me that just has to sit back and say to someone Do you see this girl "DANG" I bet she can go 3, no 4 more plates and not break one - not a single one, but I feel so sad for her when does SHE get to enjoy HER life?." I mean - pft...YEAH you can do it - but for how long? And there's the rub-30 years? 40 years? 50 years? But why? You have so many other really really cool gifts to share with others but you get so busy spinning the lost son birthday card plate, and the daughter in law plate, and the son needs divorce advice plate, and the husband smokes cigarettes plate, and the we have to move plate, and the daughter doesn't want to be trailer life plate....and not once - NOT ONE SINGLE TIME - in all the stuff you post about - DO I HEAR - MWM needs a hug plate spinning, or MWM could use a hair do-plate, or MWM needs a makeover plate, or MWM needs a girls night out plate, - SELFLESS...it's a rare quality. I love you for that.
BUT.....IT's time for MWM. I think once you wrote about your DOG....(that does not count).
So my question to you is.....and if I were there having coffee with you I would have already said why aren't you taking the time for yourself?
YOU are the most important person in your family. Without you? husband is clueless - your daughter would fall apart? Your son? (okay he needs his own help, but think about it). Right now? You need to take care of YOU and that means YOU....it's not being selfish - it means YOU FIRST....if it takes a month in the psychiatric hospital.....SO WHAT? How much of your life have you given to others that has gotten you so upset and twisted and to this point? A month isn't a very long time to help you untangle 40 years. Is it? No. (pours more coffee) And I'm telling you this....If you don't think people like you now (which is a totally INCORRECT, WRONG & poor guess on your part - sorry but it is
) - then keep going like you are and get more twisted....then it may not be a poor guess - then you could be right. (think about that huh
?)
Honestly - WE NEED YOU HERE.
YOU ARE AN INTEGRAL part of this family. You are a strong voice and always have been when it comes to children. You advocate for Aspergers and are a wealth of information for adoptive parents. That's not something you find everyday.
So SISTER o MINE.......GET THEE TO THE pHOPS and GET THEE WELL.
Your son has more problems than you can help him with - you are not a trained psychiatrist. Even with a trained psychiatrist it's going to take him a long time in therapy to help him. Let HIM make that decision to go, get himself straightened out.
Your daughter in law - Has more problems that you can help her with 0 you are not a trained psychiatrist. Even with a trained psychiatrist it's going to take her a long time in therapy to help her. Let HER make that decision to go, get herself straightened out. If she doesn't? The sad reality of it is that she had a great mother in law, blew the realtionship and takes your grandson with her. You'll have to find someway in thearpy to detach, hard as it is.
Your Husband - Is a wonderful man that smokes - You can't stop smoking for him, BUT you can find a way to address your concerns in a manner that can make him understand the only reason you have said anything about his smoking is because you love him, fear loosing him and want him to be around as you do not want to be alone in your golden years. Also as the WOMAN of the house? You can put your foot down and demand that there be no more smoking in the house or your car. This has helped in our house a lot. - Mostly because I don't gag.
Yourself? - You are a wonderful person, friend, wife and Mother. You really are a great mother in law - but your daughter in law is a dummy - so nertz to her. As far as your other 2 sons that went off and found "religion"? Ah well - here's a flash - I have studied a lot of other religions and no other religion that I have ever studied forbids you from hob-nobbing with sinners - is a true faith based religion. Not to make it a debate - but in short? Your sons religion is hog wash as all religions teach you to honor your parents. He hides behind it. I have always felt this was more to do with his adoption stigma and where he feels his "loyalties" should lay than with you and will forever. His brain - not your raising.
Your hubby>> Probably scared out of his tree right now because you have been - THE PROVERBIAL PLATE SPINNER...and they have all come crashing down. I say GOOD. LET THEM LAY MWM. Don't you even pick up one stick. (I swear I'll run up to wherever you are and break all the sticks and plates you have) lol. Let them lay.....let someone else do something else for a while......seriously.
As your friend I am advising you - to just BE. Take a walk, listen to the breeze, sit somewhere and watch people, pick up some fall leaves....have a day of total meaningful yet useless doings. A day just dedicated to YOU. Can you do that? It's a start on allowing yourself to heal. Not answering the phone, talking to anyone or hearing THEIR problems. THey don't necessarily have to hear yours - but for an entire week - you don't hear anyone elses.
I think you should consider a bubble bath......going to bed early - with super soft sheets, dotted with baby powder (oh do it -I know sounds sissy lala....just try it - it's very nice) make yourself a cup of hot tea or coffee, or a nice beverage.....listen to some soothing music....stay off of posts here that say HELP ME.....just for a while....everything this week? IS ABOUT YOU....no one else....TELL EVERYONE IT'S YOU WEEK.....
it's not selfish - it's salvation dear......and at the end of the week.....think about how much you are the most important person in your world.....and maybe think that it wouldn't be the end of the world if you allowed yourself some time in the psychiatric hospital....not where anyone really wants to be....if it's where we wanted to be - there would be parties there huh? But it's a need to be place.....and don't forget if you get into craft class you can draw me a donkey.
- well I'd make YOU something pretty if you asked.
You just figure out who you are - and the rest will fall into place....
GO and FIND YOUR HAPPY! WE'll be here.
Love & Hugs & More love
Star