Catching up

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Aug 25, 2012.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Hi all. Been out of town twice in the last ten days and am just now catching up on posts.

    difficult child called Tuesday night. Talked 2 hours. He knew I would be in town the next day and was trying to get me to agree to return the car and to give him, rather than the sober house, his spending money. No go...

    I spent about 90 minutes with him Wednesday. From the moment he saw me, he was rude. Actually it started before then when he called and learned I'd get there before he was ready - he told me to park off to the side and wait in the car. It's 89 degrees....uhhh....NO.

    I made him one of those custom photo books. 40 pages. 153 photos. He was so ugly when he got there that I chose to wait to give it to him. We left to go to lunch. He insisted on giving directions so we got lost. Were near the Walmart so I offered to stop and pick him up some snacks. $40 later, he was still rude. We stopped by the sober house to leave the sacks. I needed to speak to the manager. difficult child wasn't happy.

    difficult child claims he cannot get job without car. Manager disagreed. Manager told him that everything he had, he owed to me. I remembered photo book and went to get it. Stood before difficult child and told him, "I know you have some bad memories from the last year or two, I hope that this will help you remember good memories from the past, I love you." difficult child flipped through it about 15 seconds and tossed it on a nearby chair.

    He had told me he is on Steps 4-5. He told manager step 1. He may be sober but he isn't in recovery. Manager pressed him more about job. difficult child blew up. Left office. Hit vending machine. Other than once again defriending and blocking me on Facebook, that's the last I have heard from him.

    I emailed manager afterward. Told manager that difficult child hadn't paid fines as agreed to court. Warrant likely out. Don't want to give him car and then have to go get it out of impound. difficult child needs to find job within walking distance or go to work somewhere that another resident is working so he can share rides. Manager agrees. Said I wanted to limit the spending money to $25 a week. I think that will put more pressure on him to find a job - or stop smoking - hopefully both.

    difficult child is behaving like a three year old child who cannot have a 5th cookie before dinner. I'm tired of it. I left an abusive marriage and have no intention of supporting him while he treats me like this. I will pay his rent for now as at least he is safe there.

    On a bright note, I went to my first visit with my nutritionist, etc. On the new plan for the 3rd day. It's tough but having something to focus on beside difficult child is just what I need.
    Lasted edited by : Aug 25, 2012
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    When my difficult child was intreatment we often said that she was sober but she wasn;t in recovery. She had the same attitude. She never got past step four, never did anything but lip service to any of the steps.

    Your difficult child is still acting in his old ways, he hasn't made the progress that he needs to and you see that. Hopefully by staying int he sober house he will begin to get it. But in the meantime you are doing amazingly well and I am so proud of you.

  3. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You've had a busy and draining week. I don't know why he is so rude to you - you are all he has, and you've been more than helpful without being a pushover. It is good to hear you're focusing on yourself. The album idea was a good one...if it looked anything like the room you decorated for him at your house, I'm sure it was phenomenal. I can't fathom why he's unleashing all this anger on you, but just stay out of the way and let him work it out. With that attitude, how can he even be a good employee?
  4. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    AG - I feel for you... AND I feel for your difficult child.
    All that anger? I'm guessing it's just a front. Especially for guys, many other issues come out as anger. This is especially true of mood disorders like anxiety and depression. Its almost as though they are trying to put up a fight to avoid facing the problem... for a guy, you have to be a real wuss to admit to depression or anxiety. Given the genetics and history... he's got a lot stacked against him, but he is going to have to find a way to face the problem.

    Those photos? I'm guessing he knows those will be triggers, and he's not sure he wants to face that. So, he can't really acknowledge the contents or the effort yet, either. You're doing the right things - it's just hard to not get the immediate positive feedback we are looking for.
  5. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest

    Thank you all for your support and thoughts! I agree about with everything you wrote. Yes, difficult child isn't really in recovery. Yes, difficult child won't be a good employee. Yes, he is likely depressed, etc. and taking it out on me.

    I think my job is to concentrate on my life here.

    On Wednesday, I remember him talking about all the places he didn't want to a get a job like fast food, "the grease will mess up my face." I said, "Do you not realize that you are in a sober house, you have a warrant out, little skills or job experience? I'd say you aren't in a position to be picky."

    difficult child simply doesn't get it.

    He will most likely relapse again soon, but without a car and any access to cash - he will either be in jail or back pleading me for help in a few days. I'm getting weary of all the ridiculous lies, the anger, the hateful treatment towards me. He doesn't need to go back to treatment. He needs to get rid of that ridiculous ego and submit to the process.
  6. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    AG we all know that you are right. The problem is that "sumitting" is not part of the vocabulary of s.a. difficult child's. There is such a HUGE struggle to maintain the appearance of being in total control (even when every darn thing is out of control) that it's a difficult, complex battle. I remain on your team daily. Hugs DDD
  7. 92025

    92025 Member

    that has to be so hard to see when I'm sure you had so many hopes for him; i really hope my 14 yo son gets it together before he is an adult. It would be hard to see a pathetic adult child.
  8. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    You have done more than most people would do. Concentrate on you.
  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    AG, dear friend-time to take a few steps back. He is angry with you because it's safe and much more preferable than being angry at himself. So long as you remain emotionally vested in him; he will continue to direct it at you.

    Yes, I am a total hypocrite. I am freely admitting it. So please know that I am not passing judgment.

    For 15 months I have been trying to be the bigger person with my difficult child. I've been trying to demonstrate the behavior I seek in him. I've poured over his pictures and thought of making an album to prove he was once a happy, healthy kid. I have demonstrated unconditional love hoping that it will trigger some sort of self revelation for difficult child. I've tried to give logical heartfelt advice to deaf ears-with the thought that maybe it will deposit itself in a cranny of his brain and be there when he needs it. I have tried to be the best mom- with hopes that my added effort could overcome his lack of effort. I've tried to be the person I would want in my life if I were him.

    In return i get Bupkis. Nada. Zilch. ( not true i actually get bristling, anger, entitlement.)

    Now I know that I am so incredibly connected and emotionally vested in difficult child. But he is not in me. And my emotional investment in him fuels his self righteousness. So I am withdrawing my vestment. Granted, it's been just 10 days or so-but I am treating him like a tolerated in law. I wring my hands behind closed doors. Nothing in his life makes sense to me- but I am done trying to warn him, save him, compensate for him. I am skimming along the surface -

    He "has a plan he knows will work. "

    Point taken.

    So i nod in acquiescence And i change the subject. Mustard or Mayo on your sub? How about those Packers.?
  10. Saunder1540

    Saunder1540 New Member

    I made my son one of the photo books also. Felt like I needed to remind him of the kind of person he used to be and how loved he is. How good his life was. Maybe one day he will appreciate it.
  11. exhausted

    exhausted Active Member

    You are a good mom and you do not deserve to be his whipping boy. I hope you can continue to set boundaries with him and walk away from his anger. The anger is not about you-it is part of his core issues and he needs to stop it ASAP. Hang tough! (((hugs))
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Hi AG,

    Yep I hear ya...sounds like difficult child may be a "dry drunk" right now...Not "sober". When they aren't really working the steps and relying on G-d...using their "own will" not "His"...Life can tend to really be stinky for a difficult child (and everyone else).
    Sigh...It's all there in front of him, all he has to do is let go of his own thinking for a bit, listen and learn.
    Seems to be so hard for our difficult child's to surrender to what works! But struggling, being angry and bratty is what they're pretty-good-at!

    Hugs for your kind and loving heart. The photo album says alot about you...Your son, unfortunately, cannot receive ANY gifts with the right spirit at the moment. Does not seem to be living with gratitude...sigh. I get it. been there done that many times with my own son's.
    Wish we could dictate when the right time for their eyes to be opened is...but it is not in our hands.
    Let go and let G-d right?

    Good for you for seeing nutritionist and being good to self.