I am going one day at a time, trying to pick up all of the loose ends, and swallow the guilt that I did not turn into a screaming maniac to get someone to help my husband.
Leafy, when bad things happen, we berate ourselves for whatever it was we did do, because something awful has come to us that cannot be undone.
But Leafy, whether today or some weeks into the future, this time was coming. For your mate. And for you. It was his time, Leafy. Death is ugly and sad and it does not come easily. In the time of his dying, your mate knew. He knew you as the woman who bore his children and held him close and fought him and fought for him and stood for him then and grieved for the loss of him, now. He saw himself reflected in your loving, horrified eyes and learned himself there and knew that he mattered.
That is the most important thing, New Leaf.
I am deeply sorry his death was so hard.
You were there New Leaf, and none of us can know about last times. You were there for what was, whatever it was. Fully present to him, and to the awful pain of this time.
For better or worse, in sickness and in health....
Know that your husband understands everything, now.
He understands, Leafy, and can see what we cannot.
It is like it was for me when my brother died in a way, Leafy. Guilt was not helpful. Neither was it necessary or even, needed.
They say energy is never lost, but only changed. In my belief, we do indeed see one another again. And again and again. We are working together, all of us, everyone we know or do not even know, to create what comes to be.
Not to crack a joke here, but my D H says he is never marrying me again.
Ever.
So, I say I am the one never marrying him.
And we sing that Meatloaf song about passion and the dashboard lights, and are happy, together. For like, a minute.
:O)
Please say no to those feelings of guilt, Leafy.
There is so much still to be done.
Cedar