Conduct disorder and it’s toll on my family

[Taffina]

Hello all,
It is really hard to put myself out there and be vulnerable especially to strangers. Or maybe strangers are easier to be vulnerable with? My 4 year old has what they call a working diagnosis of Conduct Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder. He has been kicked out of multiple daycares and demonstrated violence towards his peers, pets, and teachers. We started medication to hopefully help curb some of his aggressive tendencies and I have seen an improvement in general but we are far from having it under control. I have drastically reduced my hours so I can homeschool him and give him that 1 on 1 time I think he needs.
Today was rough. He woke up in a mood that was “I am doing it how I want to and no one can stop me”. I know that can be an age thing but with him it means trying to choke the dogs, trying to get into dangerous places, constantly negotiating with me about his schoolwork and other normal parts of his routine. It got so bad, I called the national crisis number to help me get out my feelings. They recommended I reach out in this forum to people who are going through similar things.
My mental health is waning and I feel so lost. I love my son, but some days I don’t like him. And with that feeling comes guilt. So much guilt. Which triggers the depression. Which triggers the guilt and so on and so forth. I worry what the future holds for my son and my family. I don’t what I need from y’all. Maybe just need to let it out and feel heard and not like I am crazy.
If you have advice, I am not in best head space to receive it, so if I don’t say anything about it for a few days please don’t take it personally. Thank you for reading my long post. I appreciate you all.

 

[Blighty]

Welcome Taffina. My heart goes out to you.

I don't know what it is like to be in your shoes. What I know is that raising a family who are so called 'normal' can be the hardest job in the world. So I know that when you tell us of the challenges and worries you face on a daily basis, with no respite, it must be so so so much harder. No wonder you feel as you do.

You feel what you feel. You can't help it. It certainly does not mean there is anything wrong with you. To me you sound awesome! I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. I hope you will let that part go. It's not helping you and just creating more stress.

I hope others will give you more helpful resources to cope. Definately look at support for you for example: counseling.

You could also try searching the forums using key words; it might yield some helpful suggestions.

 

[good vibes]

You are clearly very thoughtful. I think you've done the right thing by being vulnerable in front of strangers. We will definitely keep your secrets - as we don't know who you are!

I know how hard it is and it may sound cliche, but things will get better. Your son's brain chemistry will experience multiple changes over the next few years. He will develop and his development might surprise you. I am sceptical of the working diagnoses you've been given. It's impossible for a 4-year-old to have a working diagnosis of 'antisocial personality disorder'. That diagnosis can only be ascribed to adults. Only adults can receive it because the brain changes so dramatically before age 18. Even Conduct Disorder is an unusual diagnosis for this age group. Normally, ODD would be an initial assessment.

It sounds like you've reached out here because you're looking for a shoulder and I'm here for that! However, I have a few thoughts. It sounds like your child is receiving psychological support and medications. You may want to seek out a child psychologist who specializes in 'talk therapy'. There seem to be two approaches in psychology - 'label and medicate' and 'try to heal'. Your child might need both. Also, you may want to consider a 'behaviour interventionist' or 'youth worker'. These are people who spend time with challenged youth and children. They work on life skills or play games, but the intent is to build self-esteem and control behaviour. Depending on where you live, you may find that you can get access to these workers for free through the health or local authority. Don't believe you are the only person who can handle your child. He might not fit in the mainstream, but there are people out there who can tame the devil! And you need the respite!

Finally, hang in there. You are very brave. Things will get better. Try to get as much exercise as you can, remember to eat healthily and know that we are out here for you - waiting to listen.

 

[Crayola13]

I’m sorry for what you are going through. Going to counseling might help you with your depression and guilt. Does your son show remorse when he tries to choke the dog? Does he understand what he’s actually doing? At four, it’s hard to know what is really going on in his head. Keep him in therapy and continue demonstrating compassion and kindness. It’s impossible to know what direction things will go at this age.

 

[Nandina]

An experience I had with my daughter when she was that age was that she would imitate things she saw on TV and we didn’t even allow violence or anything other than G rated shows (or so we tried).

Even some cartoons like Looney Tunes (not sure if that’s still around; she’s 35 now) are not innocent. You wouldn’t believe how violent some of those cartoons can be that we tend to think are harmless! It’s goofy violence, like bonking someone over the head or flippin’ em through the air—I think most people have seen it.
It’s supposed to be funny. But to a four year old, they just watch it and possibly try to imitate it without knowing it‘s actually inappropriate behavior. (And in my opinion has no place on children’s television.)

This actually happened to me when my daughter was about 3 or 4, had just started daycare, and she got in trouble for “bonking” children over the head like you see on cartoons. She had never behaved like that before and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from because we were so cautious about what we let her watch. Then I found out the daycare was letting them watch Looney Tunes on a regular basis! We didn’t even allow her to watch Looney Tunes because I had already seen the show’s “play“ violence and didn’t like it. To make matters worse, they threatened to kick her out because she was imitating what she was viewing under their care. Oh boy, was I mad.

Taffina, I offer this advice: I would keep this child away from any semblance of violence, even the cartoon kind. That means video games, cartoons other than gentle and loving types—no Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles etc. And be careful about TV shows. Even PG shows, in my opinion, are often not appropriate for four year olds.

I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but a child that young is very impressionable and if that child is on the autism spectrum, possibly even more so. I have a child on the spectrum (a different child) and he imitated everything he heard and saw as a youngster.

I hope you can get the care that this child needs. In my son’s case, there was an early intervention program in our city that was a very good experience for him. It taught him social skills, how to work in groups with other children, and other skills that he would need before entering kindergarten. Maybe your city has one too.

And if you don’t feel this child is ready for kindergarten when the time comes, by all means, hold him back. It is much better to have a child prepared for school and mature enough to handle it, especially with the issues you are dealing with. If he goes and he’s not ready, it can be a nightmare for both of you. I’ve been there, believe me.

I wish you the best. Hugs, and keep posting, please.

 

[Crayola13]

An experience I had with my daughter when she was that age was that she would imitate things she saw on TV and we didn’t even allow violence or anything other than G rated shows (or so we tried).

Even some cartoons like Looney Tunes (not sure if that’s still around; she’s 35 now) are not innocent. You wouldn’t believe how violent some of those cartoons can be that we tend to think are harmless! It’s goofy violence, like bonking someone over the head or flippin’ em through the air—I think most people have seen it.
It’s supposed to be funny. But to a four year old, they just watch it and possibly try to imitate it without knowing it‘s actually inappropriate behavior. (And in my opinion has no place on children’s television.)

This actually happened to me when my daughter was about 3 or 4, had just started daycare, and she got in trouble for “bonking” children over the head like you see on cartoons. She had never behaved like that before and I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from because we were so cautious about what we let her watch. Then I found out the daycare was letting them watch Looney Tunes on a regular basis! We didn’t even allow her to watch Looney Tunes because I had already seen the show’s “play“ violence and didn’t like it. To make matters worse, they threatened to kick her out because she was imitating what she was viewing under their care. Oh boy, was I mad.

Taffina, I offer this advice: I would keep this child away from any semblance of violence, even the cartoon kind. That means video games, cartoons other than gentle and loving types—no Power Rangers, Ninja Turtles etc. And be careful about TV shows. Even PG shows, in my opinion, are often not appropriate for four year olds.

I don’t mean to be an alarmist, but a child that young is very impressionable and if that child is on the autism spectrum, possibly even more so. I have a child on the spectrum (a different child) and he imitated everything he heard and saw as a youngster.

I hope you can get the care that this child needs. In my son’s case, there was an early intervention program in our city that was a very good experience for him. It taught him social skills, how to work in groups with other children, and other skills that he would need before entering kindergarten. Maybe your city has one too.

And if you don’t feel this child is ready for kindergarten when the time comes, by all means, hold him back. It is much better to have a child prepared for school and mature enough to handle it, especially with the issues you are dealing with. If he goes and he’s not ready, it can be a nightmare for both of you. I’ve been there, believe me.

I wish you the best. Hugs, and keep posting, please.

I remember watching cartoons like that. My mom would emphasize over and over again that it was just make believe, and that we don’t do those things in real life because people would get injured very badly.