Contact with homeless son. Wants to visit and stay for couple of nights.

[nlj]

Well, I had a text message from my son this weekend to say he'd been taken to hospital by ambulance after collapsing with pain in his back, neck and joints. He was x-rayed and checked over and discharged after they found nothing obvious wrong. I can only assume that it is his lifestyle that has caused this. It sounds a bit like rheumatism which isn't surprising as he's spent the winter in a damp derelict farmhouse with no heat, light or running water and a poor diet. I feel strangely unworried by the situation. It's self-inflicted, his choice, what can I do about it anyway? As the hospital found nothing serious, I even wonder if there may be some psycho-somatic element to this? This is a big departure from normal behaviour for me, as several months ago i would have been in the depths of despair at this news and would have driven straight there to rescue and save him from his squat. But I'm feeling quite balanced now, and quite pragmatic that this is his choice, it is not necessary and not enforced. If he chooses to live like this then it is inevitable that his health will suffer in some way. He is not a child, I don't have any control over his choices.

I don't intend making any changes to our plans and hope that he will be feeling well when he visits. My young daughter liked Cedar's idea of putting together a parcel. She said it would be like a 'Red Cross' parcel. We'll include socks and toothpaste as suggested and she also wants to include a chocolate Easter egg. This parcel will avoid any confrontation in the kitchen and D and I will enjoy putting it together, so this is a really positive thing.

Echo, that's so true that they shift the sands and change the boundaries as it suits them, but that we are expected to remain constant, reliable, pliable, etc. I think he will notice a change in me and I wonder how he will take that. He may respect me more, and that makes me smile.

Thanks all. x

 

[Childofmine]

or if I just get so tired it is easier to keep my feet on the path because that is easier than rethinking...regardless...

Yes and often things are moving so fast and the things that are happening are so unexpected and that I hadn't counted on (even tho I had a plan) that I can't think that fast. I am in mommy/heart mode.

I can't/don't say:

Whoa. Stop the presses. This is NOT what I agreed to.

Usually, I am scared, and his computer cord has broken, and his battery is dying with only three minutes left, and I am in major reaction mode as I am thinking, omgosh, I will never be able to contact him again, so let's make decisions.

I wish I could learn this:

Whenever I am in reaction mode, that is not a good place from which to act. Every time.

Whenever I am scared to death, I need to take a break.

I need to give it an hour, a half day, a day, a week...something.

Another signpost up ahead on the road to try to get to. And remembering that it's okay to make mistakes. Because I'm going to make a LOT of them.

 

[Echolette]

Lucy,

my difficult child often goes to the emergency rooms, usually with things that never end up with a diagnosis--anxiety, shortness of breath, "overdose" that isn't an overdose... (often his friends say he had a seizure). He has had CT scans, x-rays, blood work, and the occasional psychiatric admission but never physical admission. I think it is just an expression of feeling the out of control or fearful or needing to be cared for. My son often takes ambulances (usually called by his friends) and is usually accompanied by some new, concerned, difficult child yound woman who calls me or introduces herself as "like a sister". Unlike a sister, though, they are usually gone after a few weeks, never to be heard from again.

I think our difficult children can't cope with the world, don't really understand it, and similarly don't really understand their bodies. They are afraid of illness and pain, and over react. And, at least in my difficult child's place, I think he likes the attention.

I also would have rushed to the hospital or at least glued myself tot he phone a few years ago. Not anymore.

Whoa. Stop the presses. This is NOT what I agreed to.

This is a good one. We all need to put THAT in our wallets and read it from time to time.

Yours in difficult child parentland...

Echo

 

[nlj]

I've been wondering that too Echo. Does he crave the attention or need to be looked after or want sympathy? Is he testing me to see what my reaction will be and to see if I will come running to mother him? I think he does overreact to pain or discomfort, just as he overreacts all the time to any mental disturbance, like people who get on his nerves or disagree with him or don't act in the way he thinks they should. Thanks for sharing that with me, as I was feeling quite heartless that i could be thinking along those lines.
No, he can't cope with the world. And that's so sad.

 

[Childofmine]

Every addict I have ever known, in recovery or not, has a heightened sense about physical discomfort, whether temperature, how the bed feels, how food tastes, a headache, anxiety, etc.

I notice it with all of them. Interesting.


Sent from my iPhone using ConductDisorders

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

difficult child daughter could not stand labels, or elastic in her socks or underwear. She drank out of pint canning jars, and would only use small forks because she could not stand the feel of the utensil against her teeth. On the other hand, she would put CarMax (the lip balm) on her eyes. She could blow air up through that little pink part at the corners of her eyes, near her nose. (This was as a teen. She would do these things to horrify me.) When she was little, I would make her breakfast in the blender. Sometimes, she would eat sausage. Usually, it was blender breakfast.

I don't recall any issues like that with difficult child son.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

taken to hospital by ambulance after collapsing with pain in his back, neck and joints. He was x-rayed and checked over and discharged after they found nothingobvious wrong

difficult child daughter just had something similar happen, Lucy. We are still waiting for confirmation, but it seems to have been some blockage in the bile duct or the gall bladder. We are wondering whether she could have passed a stone that had been plugging the bile duct?

Her lab values were way out of range. Were there problems with your son's lab values from the bloodwork done in the hospital?

Cedar

 

[nlj]

He says he had blood taken and has to visit the local medical centre for the results this Thursday. He has previously refused to register with any doctor or dentist, but I didn't remind him of this. He is not an addict COM, he has just chosen to opt out of society and be a homeless wreck. It's more an inability to cope with normal life and normal relationships. He has an addiction to getting involved with righteous causes and getting worked up about things that make no sense or that are completely beyond his control. H says my son has a dystopian view of the world and needs to grow up and face reality.

I hope your daughter is on the mend now Cedar, I had gall stones during one of my pregnancies which were incredibly painful, but which passed naturally for instant relief. I thought I had appendicitis. I have come across intense sensitivity to clothing labels and other materials when working with children on the autistic spectrum (I'm a teacher).

 

[recoveringenabler]

Quite a number of my family members (the ones with mental issues) have a heightened sense of discomfort physically, emotionally, in all ways. I have similar traits in that I am super sensitive to pretty much everything. Perhaps those who are mentally impaired or abusing drugs or alcohol start out as very sensitive people who utilize substances to help them cope, or if they are mentally unstable, well, they are already different and sensitive in certain areas with an inability to cope.

I think my Dad was so angry all the time because he couldn't cope with ordinary reality well, my brother and sister had their own coping skills which made them odd. I've often thought if my daughter could follow my lead and really clean up her life, no cigarettes, a more pure diet, no sugar, meditation, yoga, doing whatever she could to get herself in a very healthy state............ it's really quite miraculous what the result of that choice can do. But, as we all know here, we can't make that happen unless they want that to happen.

I have some stuff around that to share, so I will start a new thread......

Lucy, you sound quite healthy, as if you have really accepted what is as you detach from your son and live your own life. When he encounters the changes in you, I sincerely hope he is pleased, however, just put it in the back of your mind that he may not be pleased for himself, I don't know, but just be prepared for any kind of reaction from him.

 

[Albatross]

I see the same thing in my difficult child re the addiction to righteous causes and focusing on things that can't be controlled instead of dealing with what needs to be done in his own life. I vacillate between thinking it's symptomatic of his black and white view of the world in general and thinking he uses it as an excuse. Curious that so many of our difficult children had a high degree of physical sensitivity as little ones. Lucy, your balance and the decision re. the "Red Cross parcel" really inspires me. It is such a lovely way to be loving to all concerned.

 

[Albatross]

Lucy, is your visit tomorrow? I hope everything goes great and that the "Red Cross" parcel is a big success!

 

[nlj]

Hi. Yes. Feeling apprehensive. Plan to head off about 8 a.m.. It's a 2 hour drive to the forest. We've made a Red Cross parcel and I also have some new clean clothes and a towel and toiletries (he's been a stranger to soap for quite some time). Thanks for remembering. I'll avoid logging on to this site while he's here but I'll let you all know how it goes after I've taken him back on Friday and taken a deep breath. My husband's a bit anxious I can tell, I think he's expecting the worst. I'm being optimistic as we've had this planned for some time now and my son hasn't been negative in any of the communications I've had with him. He's also been in hospital recently so I'm hoping he'll appreciate some normal home comforts and won't go off in one of his moods or aggressive rants but just be able to relax and have some normal interaction and eat some good food. Anyway, I have to do this. I'm not going to 'try' as hard as I normally do though and I'm not going to tolerate any crap behaviour. Keeping my fingers crossed. What more can I do?

 

[Childofmine]

LucyJ, we are all pulling for you and praying for you here.

Thoughts:

1. Live in the moment.
2. Notice the good moments.
3. Have a written plan for the bad ones, especially if the bad ones overtake the good ones.
4. Pray without ceasing. Have the Serenity Prayer in writing handy: God, Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

I'm so glad you get to see your son tomorrow. Praying it all goes well. It is what it is.

Hugs to you across the pond!

 

[nlj]

Many thanks. x

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Holding you and your son in my thoughts and prayers through this visit, Lucy. I so love it, when I first glimpse one of my children after a long time. Love the feel of them, love the sound of their voices and their smiles. Just for those few moments?

I am so fiercely happy.

That is what I wish for you, too. Issues come up too soon. It happens every time, and how could it not, when our children are so troubled?

But I carry those first moments in my heart for the longest time, afterword.

Here is something I have found so helpful when I am anticipating a stressful thing. I promise myself ahead of time that, once everyone has gone home and I know what transpired, I will sit alone and remember the good parts while drinking a cup of hot, fresh coffee from a beautifully fragile china cup that belonged to my maternal grandmother. I envision the times she may have felt as worried, or as confused, or as happy, as I am now, drinking from her cup.

This practice always comforts me.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I was just thinking, Lucy. If you don't have a special cup from your grandmother, perhaps you could begin the tradition now for your daughter and for your own grandchild.

What a special connection through time that will be.

I have two granddaughters and four grandsons.

I think that each of my granddaughters will receive one of the china cups from my grandmother. For my grandsons, I will begin looking for the cups I will bequeath to them, along with this story of connection across time.

Funny, isn't it, how when we think we are helping someone else, we are really helping ourselves....

I love this idea.

Cedar

 

[Albatross]

Here is something I have found so helpful when I am anticipating a stressful thing. I promise myself ahead of time that, once everyone has gone home and I know what transpired, I will sit alone and remember the good parts while drinking a cup of hot, fresh coffee from a beautifully fragile china cup that belonged to my maternal grandmother. I envision the times she may have felt as worried, or as confused, or as happy, as I am now, drinking from her cup.

I love this!

There is a river nearby with an island with a totem and other remnants from a Native American tribe who lived there many centuries ago. There is something so timeless about that place. Sometimes I like to paddle out to the island and imagine what it was like for those mothers, realizing that they probably worried just like I do, just about different things. Or maybe the same things!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I love this imagery.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

Lucy, how are you? I think the visit with your son may have come and gone...how did it go?

Thinking of you and your family..

Echo

 

[nlj]

Firstly, huge thanks for all your advice and for all your kind words. You have all given me such strength and enabled me to see everything from a healthier perspective.


At the moment I feel physically and mentally drained. I have just arrived home after driving for 4 hours to the forest and back. My son seems well and the visit was good. I am very glad that I was able to spend a few days with him here. He is hairy and scruffy but, under the wild-man façade he is calmer and happier than I have known him to be for many years. We went to the beach and wandered around the village shops and also drove to the old cathedral in the mountains near here. We walked and avoided talking for a lot of the time and I felt peaceful and not anxious. We cooked a lot and he ate everything without ranting about the immoral way that meat is produced or the way the earth is being destroyed by deforestation to plant crops or the food that is flown all around the world so that we can eat anything we like out of season. I knew he was thinking all those things, but he didn’t seem to need to create a scene out of it. We watched a couple of films in the evenings but it was only when we watched the BBC news later on and started talking about some issues that I could feel his emotions heating up and I could sense where things were headed. I stayed calm though and didn’t rise to his bait. I just said “mmm” and “oh is that what you think?” and similar, but didn’t enter into any of his one-sided intense ranting arguments.


There were a few amusing moments particularly when he made some derogatory comment about how people dress to make a social statement and I pointed out that actually his appearance made him stand out more than anyone! He also complained that a load of hippies had turned up on the farm and were making an encampment. I wondered if squatters could complain about people squatting in their squat.


He was grateful for the red cross parcel and I also washed a pile of his rags and tried to mend some of the worst ones, but he wasn’t interested in wearing anything new, although he had a good shower as soon as he got here. He said it felt like I was trying to dress him up as if he was a little boy.


Anyway, we left on good terms and I hope to see him again in the Summer some time, although he has plans to go to France (at Nantes if anyone is interested in looking this up) to join some eco crusade against an airport that is happening in the countryside there. There is already an encampment there and he showed my some footage online which seemed quite violent with French police and eco-warriors living in trees in a stand-off. I’m going to try not to worry about that at the moment.


I hope you are all well.

Peace x