I just don’t know, so, so much. I don’t need anyone to say anything just knowing you all “hear” me is enough and I know you do. It’s been hard over the last weeks, hard trying not to add to other people’s troubles, not saying what’s been going on. Even throughout today I’ve had conversations with family members and other friends without mentioning the hell that has been going on, and doing yardwork to keep myself busy minute by minute but now in the middle of my night, not able to come close to sleep I have to get it out.
I have a next-door neighbor who’s been a good friend, very good friend, for the last 30 years. She was diagnosed with Alzheimers last year, after a couple of years of knowing things were very off with her. I did things for her and adjusted as friends do knowing something was going on over the last couple of years before her diagnosis. I kind of thought maybe, but then there's denial.... I’ve gone through it before with a close family member and knew what it was, how bad it is, when she got the diagnosis but thought it would be slow, like it was with my family member, thought we would have more time.
And then so while I was traveling this winter another friend of mine called me to tell me this friend with Alzheimers went into the hospital mid-February and was going to have a hysterectomy after going to an urgent care for what seemed like a bladder infection. During the operation it was discovered she has cancer, a very aggressive form of cancer. A couple of days later she went from the hospital to a rehab/nursing home across the street. From information from her nephew (who lives with her) she decided she wanted to fight the cancer. I came back into the area early March and was planning to go down to see her but missed the three day window I didn’t know I had before they shut down all visitors to the rehab/nursing home. I feel so guilty about this. The next week she was in terrible pain and was sent back to the hospital. Her nephew was the only one allowed in the hospital with her, was required to mask up, and to be escorted in and out of the room because of COVID-19 concerns. They medicated her very heavily, and informed the family that any treatment for the cancer would be fruitless, she would not last that long. They sent her back across the street to the rebab/nursing home.
Then for the next two weeks no one could contact her. Her cell phone was dead and a call from me to request for them to please try to find it if it’s there in the rehab and charge it was met with a promise from the staff that they would but resulted in them not bothering, this I only discovered today. She also had a landline phone in her room, but either she didn’t know the difference between other things beeping in her room or couldn’t reach it, I’ll never know. Myself and two other neighbors tried to call this phone number many times.
Friday her nephew, who was very frustrated from the lack of response from her social worker in the rehab/nursing home for a week, and the placating “she doing fine, but she’s not the same” responses every day when he called the nursing station, decided to bring her home for hospice care. She came home today.
This is absolutely heartbreaking! I got out of the way of him and his sister when he pulled into the driveway with my friend. I watched from my window to see how it took him 10 minutes to get her out of the car and into a wheelchair. I saw a ragdoll, not my friend of 30 years, finally being brought home into her house to live her final days/moments.
Earlier, myself and her other friends in the neighborhood thought we would be able to stand from a distance and talk to her from the door, at the very least, to keep her safe from us, not us from her. Stupidly thinking she would be around for a while. Myself and her other friends of over 30 years, real friends, not just neighbors. No that will not happen. She can’t stand up or even talk at this point. I don't know, don't know if/how different it would have been if she had contact with family and friends over the last couple of weeks. And we will not be able to even go in the house to see her, not that she would even know who we are at this point. She has a fever, and keeps telling her nephew how much she hurts, that’s the only communication she has given to him since he picked her up from the hospital. Now no one other than he can go into the house, even with that fever, and her pain even with morphine and oxycodone. The rehab/nursing home refused to test her, so we could at least know if we can be with her. Fuc$ing A$$holes they are! We are in a known hot spot. And we do not know if there are other cases from that rehab/nursing home. All we know is the social worker who was supposed to be in contact with him and support both her and him is MIA.
He told me later he “thinks” she knows she home, is not sure. He “thinks” he has this, and the hospice nurse who came shortly after he got home with my friend will be here three times a week, knows of her fever and pain and told him he can call her whenever he needs to, 24 hours day. I think that nurse is a saint. I pray he holds up and I know this is leaps and bounds the hugest challenge he has ever faced in his life and pray he has this. The only other help he will have is supposed to be a home health aid three times a week, another saint I suppose. He’s now isolated with his aunt in the house, away from his 10 year old son who he is very devoted to. Who knows when he will see his son again.
I am so fuc$ing upset, I hate this so much! My good friend deserves to have her people by her side at the last moments of her life. She deserved to have us there for the last three weeks. I know with her Alzheimer’s during the lucid moments she has been so hurt that we were not there for her and will never understand why. She has been there for us so much, memories keep going through my mind, she is so close yet so far and is dying. I know the next time I see her will be when the coroner’s office takes her out of her house under a sheet. The only silver lining I can see is it will be better for her not to linger on not knowing who the people around her are and who she is for years like so many people with Alzheimer’s have to deal with. But that was brought on by the cancer, the COVID-19
made it so we can not be there for her with this rapid decline and exit from life of my dear friend.
Thanks for listening, no response needed, I know you listen, there’s just nothing to say.
