i sat here today drinking coffee and yup smoking a cig. i've been trying to quit i'd gotten down to 5 a day. this experience has clearly pushed me to smoke more .......
yet i was ready to detatch, etc. and than it clicked. for her, in this situation it isn't the right thing to do. their all diff with diff problems. yet right now she needs that push of yea we still love you, yea you need alot of help, and yea we're going to be the ones to get you there and help you, not your friends. their great yet their not family.
so i was ready to conceed, give up in a sense etc. yet i'm not built that way. it's not who i am. not yet at least. i get that i need to keep it together i have difficult child and her issues my own life etc. yet at end of day she is 17, and she's hurting bad and in self destruct mode. i'm not ready to pull the plug just yet.
so i called school, therapist. her favorite teacher is trying to reach her the guidance counselor i'm not calling the cops just yet. that'll just push her away further. we'll c what today brings. i text her also.
granted this could very likely occur again if she returns. the lines will have to be drawn that much thicker, boundaries laid down, rules if she does return. yet it's achance i'm willing to take. than if she does it again iknow i gotta detatch.
hoping something positive happens today. difficult child is all over it also. she adores easy child. being a teenager and especially one with junk to work out is not easy. i wouldn't go through that period again if someoen offered me a million dollars. she wants me to give up, wants to validate to herself that her dillussional she doesnt' matter thoughts are true. not going to happen not yet. i'm a fighter it's how i'm built. ill fight to get her back home. and if she pulls this again than i'll fight to detatch yet i wanna go one more round and see if i can make that difference in her life.
she's my little internalizer. sh'es shoved every bad thing that's ever happened to her so far down and never dealt with anything. now ti's all coming to a head in a horrible way. bad thing about the baggage we carry if we dont handle it it explodes