Court coming up soon

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Helpless29, Apr 19, 2019.

  1. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    From my previous post my son is 16 teen , he’s been locked up in Juvenile Detention, it has been a roller coaster of emotions but I’m glad he’s clean & off the streets. He’s been in there since January, we did make progress because he has started talking to dad again & even accepted his visit. I thought things were going in the right direction but he’s still refusing to live with him . He wants to live with his grandparents, dad does not want that. I feel sad because I want him out already, but dad says he wants a physiatrict evaluation done first which could take another 4-6 weeks.When my son found this out he stopped speaking to dad again.Is it wrong to want him out again? I feel like he’s been there long enough. He’s proved he could do good,he got his first report card in three &got all A’s even passed his written driving test.He gets special privileges because he made it to level 3 which is given to boys who are on there best behavior. So I don’t understand why his dad wants to keep him there. It makes me angry. I’m feeling confused. I don’t know if he gets out if he’ll be back to his old ways or if he’s learned his lesson.How does anyone really know?
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
  2. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I hate the thought of him being in juvenile detention, but it sounds like his behavior and grades have improved.
  3. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    If he had more freedoms, would he be doing as well?

    Since he can't live with you, it's best to let Dad handle it. Even if it's not what you want... What other options do you have?

  4. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think Dad is right. If he was planning on behaving, in my opinion he wouldnt mind living by tough rules and wouldnt want to move back to be near his troublesome friends.

    Many kids act good in lock up so we weaken and they can get their way. Lock up and real world are not the same. I think Dad is right. He is thinking of the big picture. Son is finding silly reasons to dislike Dad. He doesnt want to be under strict rules again. Your son hasnt been in treatment long enough for a major change in attitude. He will need a very close eye on him and strict rules .

    Son doesnt seem to really dislike juvy. If he did, he would live with anyone just to get out. Red flag.

    Most of our kids can do well. Most who bring us here chose not to.
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
  5. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My daughter always did well in residential treatment centers. She was a model client and then always relapsed shortly after getting out of rehab.

    It sounds like he is thriving in a situation that has rules and structure. I wouldn't be in a big hurry to get him out of there. I agree with his dad. . . especially since he is the one that your son will end up living with when he gets out.

  6. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    I agree with Kathy. I wouldn't be in a hurry to get him out of juvenile detention. Let the professionals deal with him as long as they will. Here is why: Your son sounds very much like a kid in my extended family. The judge didn't put him in juvenile detention for his antics. He dropped out of high school, got his girlfriend pregnant, and sells dope. He was evicted for his behavior, so he went to live with his grandparents who also evicted him. Then, he reluctantly got a job at McDonald's which he quit. He reads at a third grade level and refuses to get a driver's license. Assault charges were filed against him. He has wrecked multiple cars. He cannot pay child support. He isn't allowed to see his son because the mom, understandably, thinks the child is better off not knowing his father.

    There isn't much time left to help your son. By staying in juvenile detention as long as possible, he might learn self control and not become a criminal. I don't know if my family member would have turned out differently if he had been sent to juvenile detention, but I tend to think a few things would have been prevented.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    It would have been nice if Dad requested the psychiatric evaluation a couple of months ago. It's really on Dad, for waiting until this point, which will hold up son's release. I can totally understand why son is upset. And while the psychiatric report makes sense, it is wrong and insensitive of your ex to have waited to request this, so late in the game.

    But son can want all he wants to call the shots, to determine where he lives and when, but ultimately he will have to accept that he does not have the power, to make this happen. Your son sounds like he is willful, and as Kathy says, is being well-served by the structure and containment of lockup. He does not at all sound like he is suffering, there.

    Still, I think you are in an impossible position at the effect of both son and father. If there ever was a time when detachment was needed, it's this (have you read the article on detachment, on this site?)

    You have no control here, what so ever. This is a battle of wills between your son and his father and you are a bystander. This standoff between them has been going on now without any movement by either of them for weeks and weeks and weeks. Maybe each of them is playing out the clock. Maybe Dad is just looking for ways to delay this, and son is too. Maybe son will ultimately never accept going to his father, who knows? And maybe Dad will have excuse after excuse--to delay this--so that it doesn't happen. Time will tell.

    As I remember Dad was initially refusing to bring son home. Maybe this is his true position, but he is ashamed to admit it openly. He may be ambivalent. He may feel he should bring son home, but really not want to. And your son recognizes this. Your son sounds bright and strong.

    Meanwhile you need to find a way to take care of yourself. I'm sorry you are in this tough, tough spot. No mother could easily tolerate what you've been going through.
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2019
  8. Helpless29

    Helpless29 Member

    You are right, dad keeps prolonging his time there & it makes me mad he’s not being truthful to what his true intentions are. He keeps saying my son can go home with him but that all this is on my son for refusing to want to live with him. And yes my heart aches because I feel horrible as a mother to not let him come home with me.I mean who am I am to say what dad is doing wrong , when I won’t even step up as a mother & take him back.Theres not much I could do but take my sons calls everyday & talk to him & tell him I love him. Dad will go visit him tomorrow,so we’ll see how that goes.
  9. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    I will tell that our experience was that NO, son did not do better after a short stay anywhere. You can see by my signature that we went through many, many programs.

    Please be careful that son is not manipulating you. Not that he's "bad" but they just do that. They know how to get to their momma's heart. They are experts at this.

    I used to be a Registrar at a high school and I dealt a lot with troubled kids and their families (this was when our son was still young and wonderful and I'd shudder with some of the things that I saw in that position). I remember one mother was so upset that son was going to live with his dad. I told her she should be so thankful that he has a dad that is willing to take him. In my opinion boys NEED THEIR DADS when they are being difficult. Period.

    I stepped way back with our son and let his father handle him. Best thing I ever did for all of us. Guess what? My son doesn't hold it against me at all. We are closer than ever.
  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    This is NOT on Dad.