cps again

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Feb 16, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member


    how's everyone? i hope well. i havent' even read posts yet just jumped on now. had a busy day. had meeting with-cps investigator today. we had scheduled the appointment with-her.

    difficult child had to sit and talk with-her also, than husband and i with her alone. unfortunately the school went and filed yet another report against me, which is what lead to the case continuing as it has.

    When i returned from portland i called the school to ask ok how do we get home tutors in we're back and what paperwork do you need now?

    so days later i got the phone call the list of doctor's needed, extreme yet again. I called the hospital told them yet it took about 6 days for them to get their act together and send it to the school via fax. they actually wrote it was delayed due to us not the parent and we apologize. yet still the school filed another report against me.

    now i have to not only adhere to all their questions yet also inform them when i bring my kid to therapy next week, because the school made another allegation that difficult child has no supports in place and parent is doing nothing about putting them in place.

    i'm not sure what's going on where this is all coming from whose pushing the buttons on their end. Yet i gotta be honest i want to move. they have tainted our relationship now badly. i can know longer go on verbal with-them due to not trusting them. i informed them today via email any communication regarding difficult child doctor's etc has to be sent via email due to the false allegations placed against me to an outside agency.

    the worker actually said if it all doesnt' check out they'll petition courts to take difficult child away from me. i said you have got to be kidding me? she said that wont' happen it sounds like you have done all you could do and than some. she said yet i have to check out now that you are going to bring her to therapy etc.

    so i'm just blown away, not real happy kinda upset and angered by all of this. how can i stay in this district for the next 3 years when the relationship i have with the school is now down to email and i have to watch my back for them all the time and cps?
  2. smallworld

    smallworld Moderator

    Who's going to petition the courts to take difficult child away from you?
  3. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Something's rotten in Denmark.

    Surely the school knows that difficult child has been ill. At least someone there does! And you have all sorts of documentation.

    Is easy child in the same district? Clearly something's off here.

    And yeah, CPS does have to check it out, but it sounds like you've gotten someone who pays attention. Thank goodness.
  4. Jena

    Jena New Member

    small i wrote she said cps can do that yet in this case they wont'. step yes i agree something quite off here. i am confused about how to proceed with this school living here or not difficult child with school. totally confused.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Go to the school board if you have to... Seriously, with difficult child's issues, you have more than a need to have them understand too. Then, advocate if necessary... This IS IS IS an academic issue, indirectly!
  6. Jena

    Jena New Member

    best is i have to have this cps person calling new therapy place on tuesday to "check" i went!! WFT. this is beyond insulting at this point. i'm at the flee neighborhood point. than we have difficult child sitting there saying oh i wanna go back to school. typical what she always says than gets in door has anxiety attack and spends day in nurses' office than rips me apart when gets in. amazing.

    cse is coming up soon their going to push for this kid to be back in the bldg. i'm still waiting on word whether or not their letting us have home tutors. they want me to bring difficult child into the bldg. to meet with-the guidance counselor like tmrw! i emailed regarding it.

    their options are either home tutoring if district allows it yet transitioning kid back into bldg at same time before supports in place and conversations have happened with-therapist about how difficult child will handle the influx of kids and questions and lack of friends, and coping skills she'll need to handle. OR put her back in full time zero transitioning and than 2 hour tutor after school to play catch up.

    go figure can you imagine? i want to know who down the line of command and chain is throwing me under the bus repeatedly. i can guess yet those are just guesses. husband's ex is best friends with the district pyschologist which we believe is why i had to fight for 3 years to get a 504 to begin with.
  7. Mom2oddson

    Mom2oddson Active Member

    Could the school district have a past history where they DIDN'T do what they should of and now are over-reacting to cover their rear? you've had such a full plate that you sure didn't need this. Glad the CPS worker has a brain and sees that the charges aren't valid.
  8. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    At this point I'd say you are much more likely to have to keep answering to them for a while than to have difficult child taken away from home. IInsulting?? How do you think I felt having to go thru that for years when it was difficult child breaking the law and no one turning me into cps?? It hoovers but in this day and age, people in the system seem to think the government authorites should be telling all parents how to raise their kids and any of the agencies dealing with the kids can set that ball into motion.

    As far as your daughter saying she wants to go to school- use that in your favor- you are obviously not allowing a kid to stay home just b//c a kid is refusing to go. That statement proves it.

    If cps is going to be involved a while, I wonder if they could help get you the in home therapy you've been wanting or some other services that might really help? That would make it quicker and easier for cps to learn what your family as a whole has been going thru, too.

    Did you present copies of hospital records, diagnosis's, rxs, etc, from profs to the cps worker?
  9. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Good point- did you have request an evaluation for an IEP (in writing) and not get it?
  10. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    CPS won't be able to call anywhere and verify you went, because of confidentiality issues and HIPAA regulations, unless you sign a release. Be sure you talk to the therapist about this when you go.

    An IEP is crucial in your daughter's situation ... I just assumed she had one, I guess. I'd get the ball rolling on that as soon as you can, especially under the circumstances. It's unlikely CPS will take action, but, I think it's important to show them that you're doing what you can to get your daughter educated.
  11. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Jena, do your utmost to not let the drama of the whole thing swamp you. It is easy, too easy, to let yourself get caught up in the ridiculous hysteria of it all. This is NOT the time to scream, "Why me? Leave me alone!" no matter how much you want to, no matter how much you feel justified.

    This is a time to quietly knuckle under to CPS and be as open with them as possible. In this, they are your friends. I am not kidding here. If you block them in any way or get resentful OF THEM in any way, it will go badly for you. It's not fair, but it is what it is.

    Stop, breathe, and think. The CPS people have certain responsibilities, once they are called in. They clearly MUST inform you of the worst possible outcome - "I am bound to tell you that if we find against you, the courts could be petitioned to take your child away." The CPS worker however went on to make it clear - it won't happen in your case. She probably should not have told you that, but I'm betting she was saying it to make it clear - you are clearly doing all the right things. Someone has filed on you, someone who either doesn't know, or doesn't pay attention. It might not be "the school" as an institution, but rather a single staff member who has not heard the whole story. Don't blame the school as a whole - not yet. Of course you can suspect that there are a number of people there who are not "with it", but it only takes ONE to make a CPS report.

    CPS can also open doors for services. You probably have already got everything you possibly can get, but you don't know if there is something more that could be handed to you for free, instead of you having to pay for it. As I said - they are on your side.

    Now to the really good news - if you cooperate with the crud and inconvenience and the feeling that nobody trusts you - just put up with it, hoover it up and ignore the anger in you (certainly do not express that anger at CPS) then this complaint will be dropped. It will also be dropped with records kept which make it clear - you are doing everything you can. You have actually had good progress with difficult child. And as others have said, she wants to go back to school, so this is not a case of a parent pandering to a spoilt child who wants to avoid school. CPS get this. They are on your side. I can't stress that enough. Do not rile them, you need them on side in order to SOONER label these reports as false and even vexatious.

    If CPS do eventually label the report as vexatious, then whoever filed the false report is in big trouble, especially if they file again.

    The best way to make this go away, permanently, is to quietly cooperate with them.

    Having CPS look over your shoulder constantly is NOT saying, "We don't believe you," it is having CPS gather the data for themselves so they can say to the person who reported, "We saw, we looked, we double-checked - we can 100% vouch for Jena that she is a good mother and is doing absolutely everything for difficult child. So now let's talk about you and what motivated you to file that false report..."

    They can't do that for you, if they do not have that double-check in place.

    So let them do their job. Put up with it. It is NOT a statement of disbelief in you, it is belts and braces so they have evidence FOR you, not against.

    They are on your side.

    If you move, it will be expensive. You will end up in a new place, totally unknown options, a new school (which eventually might be a good idea) but if you do this while CPS are still digging, and while a school anywhere else has made reports against you that have not been fully investigated - then it looks like you are running away because you are guilty. DO NOT DO THIS!

    If you want to move schools for difficult child, then do it for other reasons. I think you have enough of them. But do it AFTER this CPS complaint has been resolved.

    The best revenge is success. In this - the best revenge on whoever reported this, will be CPS publicly clearing you and also saying, "We have investigated this family enough. Any more reports go in the bin."

    THAT is when you move.

  12. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno i know it's all just being too controlled now. the thingy went toooo far the other way. yet that's justice, right? Cps has called just about everywhere and can call anywhere they want. yet today i openly signed released for her to contact difficult child's new therapist, her peditrician who will back me to no end. i also told her how the school is dropping the ball on us right now. she just said wow after an hr with husband and i. she said i can't believe all you have gone thru with this kid. i said yup. i said i get it's your job yet i gotta be honest having to have you sit here is just so absurd at this point after all we have gone thru for years.

    i did infact mention how i am fighting for inhome services how the pysch doctor dropped the ball on me, how the school is screwing us, and than she said the infamous how's easy child doing thru all of tihs we heard..........

    yup she went there and i anti'd up. i said honestly your drive by 3 weeks ago while difficult child had a feeding tube in nose to question easy child when she was home with-a friend doing a project jolted her terribly the situation was already causing her grief yet you drove it home for her and yes she was picked up in town a week ago for petty larceny. she said oh i'm so sorry. i said i get it's your job yet it also would of been the right thing to do to call me or husband and schedule it so husband could be here. we never even got to give her a heads up as to what was going on.

    she said point taken. she said well now that the school has filed another complaint against you it involves the entire family all the kids etc. so i have to delve into it all. i said delve away i'm an open book a great mom and you will soon come to find that you have unfortunately wasted your time and that other homes where true abuse is going on is where your needed. she said i'm sure i will and i'm sorry.

    i'm just rattled now. there's someone who i dont' know that has decided to go after me to no end. husband is like it'll be over after they call the ppl you said you bring her to etc. and you will be cleared. i said that's not the point. it leaves an impression. the office staff at school is already chatting about it,k i walked in one day and i heard the secy. buzzing bout this other parents issues. so yea it's the neighborhood we live in.

    yet difficult child saying ah i wanna go to school is just a kickin the face. meanwhile it took 2 hours to wake her up today, 2 hours of fighting to get her in a shower. on and on we go.

    i was just starting to see some light a very tiny dim one. dog's being a bit better, i'm getting stronger with difficult child and it's working "at times", easy child's slowly calming, husband and i welll that remains to be seen we start therapy in two weeks they were booked up. last one we couldnt' go to was too expensive. so we got our old guy back in place.

    it's just like ok i give are you kidding me now? LOL. so that means for the next 3 years if and thats a huge if this kid goes back into that school and makes it their eyes will be on me for what? nothing. all false accusations. so if difficult child pulls a i'm not going to school today, or up till 5 a.m. upon return due to anxiety and i try to explain that theylll say well must be your parenting she only went to nurse here 3x today! i'm telling you i can see it coming. sorry rambling i'm soo mad.
  13. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    OK - I am WAY confused, so please help me to understand.

    Does she have an IEP???? If not, you need one ASAP.

    If so what accommodations does she have for school, etc. ?

    If she has an IEP than you need to get a meeting with them asap and re-vamp her IEP to state that she is not capable of attending school except for a possible 2 hour day. There are school advocates/lawyers that will take CPS to task on this one.

    Your other option is to tell CPS that you are now homeschooling her, if that is the route you truly want take, at least for the rest of this year. I do not know about NY but in Texas homeschooling is considered a private school, and all I had to do was pull Matt out of school because he was now going to a "private school". You might research NY.
  14. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Jena, I'm actually seeing a lot of light breaking through here. You did good with that CPS person. I'm glad you said what you did about your reactions before and what you were going through. The thing is - that CPS person got the full picture form you and the family, is going to be able to confirm it with everyone you've told her to talk to. A complaint investigated and resolved in your favour is actually better on your file than never having had a complaint made at all. I know that sounds crazy, but it is.

    Whoever made the complaint - it is a horrible feeling in the pit of the stomach to not know. But whoever it is, was either motivated by genuine concern coupled with ignorance (they haven't a clue what is really going on, to them it really does look like bad parenting - they're looking from afar) or it's someone who is convinced that what you have told them is not true; that you are lying about actually getting help because you are a bad parent. In their minds you didn't just traipse halfway across the country with difficult child to get her help, you were probably in Vegas running the money through slot machines. Or something.

    So - either it's someone genuinely concerned but totally ignorant, or it's someone who you have annoyed who wants to 'get' you. I'm betting the former is far more likely - anyone who would behave badly by using CPS will not be able to do it for too long. CPS would have a person's name on file if they've made complaints before. Too many complaints made by that person which are unfounded would mean that increasingly, repots from that person would be automatically suspect.

    I thought CPS confirmed the latest complaint was "from the school"? The previous one you suspected was the neighbour who had that run-in with easy child. And given how easy child was behaving to you when you returned, I suspect if you had been in that neighbour's shoes you'd have made a call yourself. Or at least been tempted to. Then there are the parents of easy child's "friends" who are trying to distance their own kids from easy child's actions. If they can make out that easy child is bad news and that you are a bad parent, they can absolve themselves of any responsibility for their own kids being a bit off the rails. So if their kid later on gets busted for drugs or shoplifting, they can blame easy child's bad influence, totally ignoring the possibility that it was their kid who was the bad influence on others. It's a way that some people go to great lengths to absolve themselves of personal responsibility.

    Whatever it is - try to not let it get to you. A tall order, I know. Somewhere out there is someone who you know by name, know by face, who you feel has stabbed you in the back, and at a time when you already have more than enough to deal with. Not knowing who you can trust and who you can't, is a horrible feeling. I've been there - not just with CPS (been there too) but with not knowing who to trust.
    I had/have a stalker, a former friend. He is a neighbour, he is a worry. I do not fear he will do me personal harm, but he has in the past spread nasty lies about me (also about others) disguised as concern. A friend who was diagnosed with MS lost a lot of muscle tone. He harangued her (she talked to me about it) and he also harangued me about her - "She is not eating enough, she is wasting away, she has anorexia! We MUST make her eat! She will DIE!" He told everyone in the town, including her family and her children. Not cool.
    This guy has taken any information about me and twisted it similarly. For example, I take pain medications under the supervision of a pain specialist. He knew this (from when we were friends). At one point he actually wrote about me (in a note labelled 'strictly confidential') "It's no wonder she's so unstable, given the drugs she is addicted to."
    Other times, often something I had confided to friends, innocent information, was coming back to me twisted horribly. I didn't know which of my friends had talked to him. I made it clear to my friends - anyone sharing information about me to this guy would be cut off. But he is a skilful interrogator and always couched it in terms of concern. So I took the only other path I could - I cut off ALL my friends, from access to information about me. I became intensely private. Church workshops on stress management, or other stuff - I didn't go. I stayed well away. I told them why, people were horrified. By this stage the bloke was accusing me publicly, via a local doctor, of having Munchhausen's by proxy. Here, that can get your kids taken off you, so fast your head will spin. Especially if it's a doctor saying it. This doctor used to have coffee with my neighbour.
    I am still good friends with the people I know, but some information I keep intensely private. My medication, for example - I learned that the hard way. Interestingly, one of my best friends is one who people regularly told me was the person leaking - she is one I know I can trust. She has been privy to personal information about me that has stayed private.

    Jena, you and I have this site here on which to vent and be open. Not everybody has this. So keep information about your family's hassles and treatments private for a wile. Obviously let people know what they need to know, but other than that - don't give details of the problems. Clam up. Then watch and wait. The less information is out there, the easier it will be to spot the leak.

    Example - I had clamped down a lot on info, but one day after church I shared with a friend that my hours at work had been eased back because we had a quiet spell; I was to have two weeks of break before things went back to incredibly busy again. This was normal in the job, I had earned my break and was looking forward to a rest. My friend had no reason to keep this info to herself. She did not go out and blab, but she went for coffee afterwards and my ratbag neighbour was there, apparently. An innocent question, "Have you spoken to Marg lately? How is she going?" undoubtedly resulted in my friend sharing, "She was just saying that her work hours have been cut back a bit, she's looking forward to a break," and the rumour began - I was about to get fired.
    I heard the rumour within hours, I had not spoken to anybody else. Leak identified (I was going to say, leak nailed, but if you nail a leak it gets bigger - lol!). My friend who leaked - she was not the problem. I was the problem, I should have said nothing, if I cared about what could be said as a result. My friend had no vested interest in shutting up about me - if I was OK to say it to her, then in her mind, the information was public domain.

    People have less investment in maintaining your privacy, than you do. NEVER tell something to someone and swear them to secrecy. It does not work. The best way to keep a secret is to tell nobody.

    BUT - here is where you can use it. If you lock down all info, then deliberately leak one little bit and sit back and wait. Listen. When you hear it back (however distorted it might have become) you will have a good idea where the leak came from, if you only told one person.

    If you move, the problems will move with you, if they are unresolved. They may even multiply. People are people. They are human. Wherever you are. The only one you can control, is you.

  15. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I get it, J- it's not court people involved for you but I went thru it with GAL checking into everything, people assuming stuff, PO checking up on every move, etc- plus the embaressment and humiliation of people assuming I MUST be guilty of something even though it all stemmed from my son getting into trouble and my half-bro planting seeds in a stupid, inexperienced, non-parent GAL.

    In any case- did the cps worker actually tell you it was the school that had reported it? It was my understanding they aren't supposed to reveal the source.

    Either way, it's also my understanding (which might not be 100% true in all cases) that cps, courts, any agency can and will stay involved once involved (until clear) even if you move- it is tracked thru sd records if the parent doesn't transfer thru agencies as they are supposed to. IOW, if I had moved myself and difficult child when he was on probation/parole but not gone thru proper channels with juvenile courts people, difficult child and I would have been found because when the new sd contacts old sd for school records, old sd (who would be told by local agency involved) would notify courts people where difficult child has transferred to. I think if cps has not closed a case yet and you move, they/or court notifies current/old sd and once new sd contacts old sd for records, old sd notifies cps/courts and you are found so then it's only worse.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    J can clarify, but it's my understanding that her daughter has the 504- J if that's the case, you realize she doesn't have the same legal rights and protections with that, correct??
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Sorry- me again- J- be careful to only give rx'd medications and in the dosages that are rx'd.

    And don't be shocked if cps went to sd and talked to easy child there.
  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    And Marg is right- the ONLY person from ANY agency who really kept difficult child from going to my bro was the SW from DSS. Now true, this wasn't cps but a different dept or something in dss that is assigned to assess the family when a minor gets into big legal trouble to help determine if removal from home or family services are warranted due to family/parental issues causing delinquency in the kid. EVERY time difficult child got into big legal trouble, that GAL had that dss team called in, knowing my bro had contacted them and was standing in wait. EVERY time that same dss SW responded with "there is nothing this county or state can do for this child that mother isn't already doing and they see no reason for removal from home". Of course it got difficult child sent to Department of Juvenile Justice because instead of me being able to access services for him thru dss I had to fight against him going to dss because bro would have automatically gotten physical custody, but that's an issue you don't have- unless her father is trying to get custody. If he is, keep that in the back of your mind.
  19. Make sure you also have them send a hard copy and same for you. E=mails are so easily altered.
  20. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi no iep. remember how i fought tooth and nail for the 504 that gave us minimal accomodations and provisions simple stuff help with packing up back pack, allowance to go to nurse if anxiety hit badly etc... minimal basic junk.

    now i'm in for an iep bigtime. i already emailed requesting a cse meeting. yet what their going to do is throw resource at us, if that doesn't work, self contained if that doesn't work than they'll fold and say ok boces program.

    yet i just dont' know what i want to do. you know? do i want to stay and fight the fight? or do i want to go find another town to live in and begin again new fresh etc.