D H Mom

Discussion in 'Family of Origin' started by Scent of Cedar *, Sep 5, 2015.

  1. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    D H mom was taken ill last night, Copa and Serenity. She is in Intensive Care. I will check in as I am able.

  2. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member


    Thank you for letting us know.

    I am sorry.

  3. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    D H mom is holding her own. It could go either way.

  4. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    She is very strong. How is D H?
    Last edited: Sep 5, 2015
  5. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Cedar

    I am thinking about you both and hoping that you have time to be alone together to rest. I am praying the best I know how.

    Last edited: Sep 5, 2015
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs and thoughts of care, Cedar. It's not easy, no matter which way it goes.
  7. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Hi Cedar,

    Still thinking of you, D H and especially of D H Mom.

    I am hoping you are both home now and safe in bed with the doggy between you.

    I hope D H Mom is comfortable. I know she is protected.

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  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I just saw this. Thoughts and prayers are with you. Please keep us posted.
  9. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Thanks, you two. It is so nice to know you are thinking of us.

    D H mom is still in Intensive Care, but is doing better than expected this morning.

    Copa, you asked how D H was coming through this.

    He said: "Death is part of life from the moment we are conceived." He believes this is his mother's time for death. He wishes, for her sake, that she could let go and come into whatever comes next, for us. She was a strong, vital, laughing woman. D H believes she lived a good, full life. He feels we all need to stand by her as she comes through whichever way this goes, but he would be grateful, for her sake, if this is her time.

  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the update and I'm glad husband seems to be taking it ok.

    Prayers going out to your entire family.
  11. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    This post brings up so much for me. I am tired but will try.

    First, D H is complete with his mother, completely different than was I with mine. He got enough. He can let her his mother go. Because he had his wonderful mother in life. I did not. As my mother died it only brought up everything that I had had to give up in order to survive and what I had missed.

    Even more importantly, he can face the objective truth of her situation. And advocate for her best interests. Within himself. And for her. Some of my guilt is that I may have prolonged my mother's life, because of my complicated feelings.
    This part really brings up a lot for me. My mother, too, loved life and had a strong life force. She too, wanted to live. Even as she died, she wanted to. Before I made the choice about the feeding tube, I asked her if she wanted to die (even though she was resisting food and could not safely eat). She answered "of course not." Given her attitude (and my grief and frantic desperation) M and I both believed that given the fact that she did not have a malady that she was dying from...and one doctor said she could potentially recover...we would leave it in G-d's hands. We felt to deprive her of food...when there existed a routine means to deliver it would be something we could and would not do.

    The thing I realized as my mother's end of life came near...and never ever did before...was that when you are dying you are the most you you have ever been and ever will be. D H Mom is gloriously her, even in the land between life and death. One could say it is genetic and biological. I know it is not. It is spirit. The desire and capacity to survive and to thrive and to go forth. No matter what. Even when almost nothing is left.

    It is beautiful. She is to be celebrated. Her children are made of that too. What a celebration of what she is. She will never let go. She will have to be taken out. How glorious.

    That was how my Mom was. Near the end she got a deadly hospital based infection. As I understood it, it rendered all of her antibiotics completely ineffective. My mother fought to live until the elite killer troops came for her, and still she fought and lost. I never loved her more.

    D H Mom is like that. She cannot let go. It is not in her. She will not. G-d will have to come and get her.
    I know. This is not a woman who lets go. Never of one of her children or her grandchildren or anybody else who she loved. This is the woman who went to advocate for her 15 year old Dear Granddaughter to tell those people who her girl was, where she came from and who she belongs to. She cannot let go. It is not in her.

    I know D H does not want his Mom to live like she was a shadow of herself. But THIS IS WHO SHE IS. She may not like the Assisted living place. She may not like it that she is ill and limited and without her kids close to order around. What does like matter to a spirit like hers?
    Yes. A celebration of beautiful family, Cedar. How perfectly beautiful a vision. I am tearing up here. Whatever way it goes. Everybody wins. That is how she made family.

    We are thinking of you and D H and D H Mom.
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  12. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    D H mom is better! She has been telling the nurse what she wants in Italian. One of her daughters said, "Mama. The nurse only speaks English." D H mom said, "They don't listen to me in English, either!"


    She was hungry when it was time for lunch, and ate pretty well. She recognized me, told the nurse (in Italian) to bring in some chairs, and asked her daughter to bring me coffee.

    Isn't that something.

    She is happy to be back. We told her she'd given us a scare, and she said she scared herself, too. She will be in Intensive Care one more night, and is scheduled to move into the general population, tomorrow.

    A long unrecognized urinary tract infection was the cause.

    Thank you, Serenity and Copa, for being here for me, and for D H.

  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I'm so happy for you all, Cedar! Just wasn't her time! A Urinary Tract Infection (UTI)...how about that? That can be horrible.

    Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated still :)
  14. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Isn't she somebody?
    Good for her.
    Isn't that great? How great it must have been to wake up and to see you all there. I am glad D H Mom is a Mama and not a Mom. I will call her D H Mama. Isn't love of life a wonderful thing? (I'm back in bed. Not depressed. Just tired. Maybe I will see if I respond to a little bit higher dose of the anti-depressant.)

    She wants to live. She is the decider. It is just like with our kids. The piece of it that is so hard for us to get. All of the time when they are mad and unruly and even going off the deep end. They remember that we love them and they all of the time are loving us. They never forget. No matter how they act. They never, ever did quit on us.

    D H Mama never quits either. Loving life. Loving her family. Believing in herself. What a concept.

    She may be mad about her circumstances. She may feel nobody listens to her. She may not like it one bit that she is not in command. She may feel it to be a terrible travesty of justice that her kids are not sacrificing themselves to cater to her every minute of their lives.

    But she never forgets who she is. She is important. Her sense of who she is is not tied to one thing except her spirit and her will. She never forgets she is loved. She never forgets she loves. All of the rest, she can let go of (but may not like it one bit.)

    I am happy for D H and for the family and for D H Mama, that she sees how loved she is and what a good job she did.
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I love this. She has a visitor and she is graciously back in charge. Give her one kiss for me, please, Cedar. Tell her she has a secret admirer, please. In Italian.

    Cedar, how far do you and D H have to drive to get to the hospital? Is it in another city? How is D H? How are you, Cedar?
    Last edited: Sep 6, 2015
  16. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I am so happy that it turned out to be treatable. This one WILL NOT go gently into that goodnight :)
  17. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    The hospital is about an hour away, Copa, on the shores of Lake Superior. There was an ocean-going cargo ship visible from D H mom Intensive Care window.

    D H wishes still that for his mother, it could be over. At the same time, each of the sibs are so glad for her recovery. D H mom told one of the Intensive Care doctors when they brought her in that she wasn't ready to go, yet.

    She will be 87 September 26th.

    She loves pizza.

  18. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I grew up with a bedroom window overlooking the Pacific Ocean. I watched ships go in and out of the Port City where that is now the Big City that I refer to in my posts.

    I love that for her. I wish she could stay at the hospital with so much attention and diversion. I know it is not possible. That must be D H concern. He wants so much for her than she is able to have.

    87 is young. My Mother got so ill at 87 and died at 88. Is D H the oldest? Cedar, when did D H Dad die? What was he like? Was their marriage a good one?

    D M Mama will decide with G-d (collaboratively) when it is her time, I think. I can imagine that feeling of happiness and relief she is still here...with the wanting her to go to a better place.
    Well, we have that in common. Pizza is my favorite of forbidden foods. I just love it. M hates it. I bought the pizza peels and stones and pans to make it. But I have nobody to eat. Do you know I went to Italy in 1972? Northern Italy.

    M has been to Italy, too. But just to work. Spain, too. He does not like Spain. Me? I would loooove to go to Spain and Portugal. I love that food, too. M does not like Italian Food, my favorite. With Greek food, second. I made Lasagna. Ho Hum from him. And he would eat no leftovers.

  19. Scent of Cedar *

    Scent of Cedar * Well-Known Member

    Do you like Mexican food, Copa?

    I know how hard it was for you to bring your mother through it, Copa. You behaved with courage. It was so hard for you.

    D H is oldest child of seven, Copa. D H father died suddenly at 67. D H father and D H father's older brother emigrated first to Italy and then, to America after the War. In their marriages, both brothers were authoritarian and responsible and very hard-working. Neither of the wives remarried after their husbands' deaths or so much as considered another man. The marriages were different than American marriages in the sense that role expectations for both man and wife were clear, but I think both marriages were very good ones.

    D H mom went to work after her kids were grown. It was seen as a rebellious act.

    She did it, anyway.



    I emailed both sisters regarding satellite radio, Copa. That was an excellent suggestion.
  20. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Did you mean Canada here, Cedar, or did the brothers emigrate to Italy from another country? I am thinking you mean Canada here. That is where my grandparents first went. It was easier to get into Canada. My aunt was born in Canada, Winipeg, I think. My mother was born in Minneapolis.

    Sometimes I wonder how my grandparents tolerated the extreme cold, but then I remember it was that way in their home country. ("Where we ended up had a drizzly Mediterranean climate which we all love.) Russian winters. Hello??? They slept on top of big, big fireplaces.