Daughter in hospital

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by jodiehooks, Dec 9, 2016.

  1. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER

    Well, I haven't been able to post much this week due to a lot of stuff going on. What has happened is I received a call from my daughter, the one who in June was homeless and managed with some help to get a job and an apartment in Mo., living near her younger daughter. Over the course of the last 6 mo., she has struggled and on Monday I was told that she had checked herself into a mental ward of a St. Louis hospital due to wanting to hurt herself. She has attempted suicide in the past and was lucky to not have succeeded. She has suffered from long term anxiety and depression. Over the last few months all her stuff has been at my house, in box's. Lately she has asked me to retrieve a title to her vehicle and her birth certificate and in the process of trying to find it to send to her, I ran across some poetry she wrote (when I don't know) but it is very dark, speaking of her ugliness and the beauty she wants but feels hopeless to have. As a parent I am worried but I know I can do nothing to cure this. I worry that she will lose the small job at a grocery store she has and that she could lose the apartment too. This worry seems to never end and it never gets better. She is not asking me to do anything other than send papers to her occasionally, but of course most parents want to make things better but I don't know of a thing I can do. I got a panic attack last night thinking of how short my own life span is at this time (I am 66). I could have 20 years give or take and at this time her problems just seem to be so big and she is 46 so when will she ever get over this? And how will she manage? I am taking a hands off stance, while telling her I love her and am sure she will find the right help and things will get better. That is all I know to do. Meanwhile I am, like so many here, suffering too!!
     
  2. Lil

    Lil Well-Known Member

    Jodie I'm sorry. Your daughter is in the right place for her to get help and you are doing the right thing by sending her paperwork and otherwise letting her take care of herself. You aren't a doctor, you can't make her better. All you can do is look after yourself and offer her emotional support. This time of year it is especially hard.
    :group-hug:
     
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I am sorry she is hurting so, and that you are also hurting. She is getting help. I hope she can accept it. I think you are taking the right steps, and doing all you can. I don't know if sending any information to her would help or drive her to do the opposite. I know when my brother seeks help of any kind, for any kind of problem, if I offer ANY information, he will do the exact opposite of whatever is suggested or recommended. Even if I don't make a recommendation, if someone I send him to makes it, he does the opposite to prove that I am wrong. Even if the basic laws of physics and nature mean that what he does cannot work, he still must try to prove me, or even my parents, wrong. I don't know if your daughter would do this, but if that has been the dynamic, you are better off just sending love and telling her that she is beautiful to you, and that you love her and always will.

    Please take care of yourself. Get support for yourself. I know my town has NAMI support groups for families of those with depression and bipolar, and they are immensely helpful. You might look for htis in your town.

    (((((hugs)))))
     
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter already knows where to go when she is unwell. She is there now. She also may also qualify for SSDI.

    There is nothing you can do and she is already aware of what to do. Some people are unwilling to do what they need to do to get a mental illness under control.

    If she is borderline it requires extremely hard work. She is 45. Will she change? The longer she is like this, the less the chance.

    You can change though and live out your years happily. I hope you do since there is absolutely nothing you can do for middle age kids who have always been like they are. You can't really influence them...it is hard enough to influence a stubborn 21 year old.

    Worrying this way about your kids who are not young and have got to handle their choices alone could cut your life span down a lot. I think that would sadden your loved ones. Stress is so bad for your health.

    Do you take care of you? Eat healthy? Exercise? Have you tried meditation? I love meditation and since doing it my stress level is at an all time law. I use guided meditation from youtube.

    You matter.

    Are you still going to travel? I'd love to hear that your focus is now on you :)
     
    Last edited: Dec 9, 2016
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That is really all you can do Jodie. You've done enough.

    Do your level best to take care of YOU now. Do what it is that helps you to diminish that worry you speak of. I am a master worrier so I had to learn tools to stop the worrying, which for me were to eat well, keep away from sugar.....to make sure I exercise.....(it has been said that after only 11 minutes of walking our brains shift out of worry)....make sure you are sleeping 7-8 hours a night.....many of us forget the very basic things to care for ourselves while our kids are off the rails......develop a "tool box" of things that help you to restore your sense of peacefulness and when you feel that worry, get that tool box out and use it!

    Many of us are enablers, rescuers, folks who make sure everyone around us is cared for while we forget to care for ourselves. In learning how to better take care of ourselves, we begin to feel better....we cope better......we find some joy in our lives......we make different choices which lead to more peacefulness......it's a process Jodie, it goes up and down and sideways, but if you learn to put the focus on yourself and what it is that you need, you will ultimately feel much better.

    (((HUGS))))
     
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  6. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Thanks for sharing this with us Jodi. I'm so sorry for your hurting heart.
    The positive I glean from this is your daughter knew she needed help and took good steps in having herself checked into the mental hospital.
    I think it's good you taking a hand off stance. As much as it hurts us to not be able to fix the problems in our adult child's life, the best thing we can do for them and for us is to stand back.
    I'm not sure who posted it on this site but they said, "if the love we have for our children was enough to save them we wouldn't be here" or something to that effect. There is so much truth in that.
    Jodi, I do hope that you are being good to yourself and enjoying your life as best you can.
    Please let us know how things are going.

    ((HUGS)) to you.........................
     
  7. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If love could fix our children, they would all be happy and healthy. Something like that.

    The truth is, very sadly, if they don't love themselves, our love can't help them.

    This is also true of ourselves. If we don't let ourselves learn to let go of their state, then all that will occur is that two will be unhappy instead of one.

    Thanks always for sharing your thoughts, Tanya.
     
  8. Weary Mother

    Weary Mother WEARY MOTHER


    Somewhere: Thanks for your post, I have been off line for a while due to other things that have come up. I do know that my daughter is mentally ill with some form of bi polar/other issues. She probable does qualify for ssdi, she has attempted suicide before and has a long history with many doctors of mental health issues, but she has not followed through with the application or has failed to provide information, I am not sure which. I have advised her to contact an attorney so that she does not have to do it herself, that is all I can do. Recently when she asked me to send her some papers that were at my house, I ran across an application for state medical help, they denied her due to failing to provide proof of being a resident. So she does these things and then does not get the help she needs. As for me, I belong to a gym, play guitar when I can concentrate, try to sing and perform with my long term boyfriend. I work part time and own a home that I have to take care of, and have a 83 year old mother with dementia that I am trying to care for, in addition to a son in prison. So, my life is full and yet at times I cannot sleep because that is when my mind focus's on all this crap. I am currently not doing a lot of travel due to our weather, it is arctic cold here in Indiana. Brrr. I am just saddened by all the family issues. The future looks kind of dim here, but I do keep on. Also, I am dealing with a bad hip, probably hip impingement which may require surgery which is nearly as bad as replacement. I am in pain all the time now.