Daughter relapses, goes back to drugs


New Member
Hi Family:

difficult child had her most recent relapse approximately 2 weeks ago. I thought that when she signed her self into detox it was because she is learning to "treat " her problem, even though it might still occur........NOPE......she was staying at "also relapsing friend's house" and friend threw her out..... :smile:
Detox was the only place she could find a bed :nonono:
Well, at least she didn't call me....Is that progress?Or am I crazy? :hammer:
So, here we sit, 4 weeks to my wedding, difficult child is idling in a sober house, she is attending 6 day a week treatment :bravo: But I really think it's only because she has to. Not one of her "sober" friends has made it past 1 year clean and very few to 1 year....It's depressing and disappointing. Why does this 12 step system not work for so many? I have such a hard time accepting that this is the only answer, yet it works for so few. I mean, I know you have to "work it" for it to work. That kind of commitment is rarely found in our children......they oppose commitment and consistency, so how is this ever going to work???? :hammer:

I'm sorry for the rant....just feeling a lot of things about the "cure".

Melissa :angel:


Active Member
I'm sorry to read about her recent relapse.

I understand the fear and worry that we as parents face when drugs enters our lives.

Will they ever get straight?
Will they stay straight?

Will they go to jail?
Will they die?

It just never ends.

I guess the 12 step plan doesn't work for so many because addiction is one mean demon.

She is in total control. I wish her all the best as she struggles through. There are people who make it. Even after failing time and time again. It truly is out of your hands.UGH!

You have a wedding coming up :smile:
Try to concentrate on that at least for now. Then of course there is Baby J. I know he is your joy.

Sorry for your disappointment and depression. It sure takes a lot out of us.




Well-Known Member
I'm sorry Melissa. My guess is that you are trying to hang on to
expectations of progress instead of accepting her as she is until
she actually has proven herself. No matter what the reason, it
is a painful coaster ride.

Now......in case you have forgotten........a few of us want to know what color your cyber bridesmaids are suppose to wear in
four weeks. I think Sunny asked for one color. Did I ask for
another? What about Deb? I don't remember who all wants to share your day.

Would you prefer that we just let you know what we want to wear?
Hugs. DDD

Let me give you my take on it.

First of all, something like 17% of people who try to stop an addiction (by ANY method) make it. SEVENTEEN PERCENT! And only something like 3% make it on the first time around. Yes, she is sitting there idling right now if she really isn't putting her heart into it. You have to want to change. Somebody said something similar to this in another post, and I am sure I am about to butcher it, but I am going to try to get the point across: it is similar to if you find out you have diabetes. You take your insulin because it helps. But you also have to work a diet to keep your blood sugar down.

Addiction IS a disease. There is NO cure for it. You can ARREST it by working a program (insulin) but yo ALSO have to abstain from the drugs and alcohol (diet).

The other issue I see is her age. It is extremely rare for one to get clean and stay clean that young. We never say that to a young addict because it either gives them loss of hope of ever getting clean or an excuse not to get clean. I'm not saying that it never happens (there are a few on this board who are doing fabulous) but the rule as opposed to the exception is that the young ones have not finished partying OR hit bottom yet.

I first got clean when I was 19. I stayed clean for 5 years. Then I went back out for TEN. I wasn't done yet. Now I am almost 4 years clean, the right way (frequent meetings, sponsor, working the steps). I have not seen anyone successfully get and stay clean with any other method.

Your daughter will never be cured. She is not doing this "to" you. She is doing this because she is sick. It is not her "fault", although it is her responsibility to get help. Unfortunately, it won't happen until she is ready, no matter how much you yell and scream. She is blessed to have a mom like you; who knows where that baby would be otherwise.

I include your daughter in my prayer for the addict who still suffers at my AA meetings. She'll come around one day.

Sending you strength.


Active Member
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Big Bad Kitty</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Melissa,
, it won't happen until she is ready, no matter how much you yell and scream. </div></div>

That's my understanding too. Sorry.

by the way...I look good in the "ice colors" ice blue, ice pink, ice purple :smile:


New Member
When I first learned my difficult child was an addict I really didn't believe the 12 step program was the only way. I just figured if you were strong enough, you could do it. It wasn't until many relapses and my difficult child truley learning to live the 12 step program that he has been able to remain clean. It only works when you want it too. He wants it to and I hope your difficult child and all the others hear want it just as bad someday.


Well-Known Member
Sunny, I think I should wear either pale blue to match my eyes or
bright yellow to make me look...uh..."sunny". DDD


Active Member
I accept that ant will have a life long struggle with his alcoholism unless and until a miracle takes place. he is not interested in any programs or mtgs at all.


Warrior Parent
<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">unless and until a miracle takes place </div></div>

For me, that's what 12-Step is: A Miracle :warrior:

No cure, Melissa, only a way out, a day at a time. No other way that I know of, and I tried a lot of other ways....

Really liked the diabetes analogy!



Active Member

I also wish there was a sure-fire way to stop the addiction. Unfortunately, as you know, there's not. As my difficult child has often told me, he stopped when he wanted to and was ready; it had nothing to do with us begging him, talking, yelling, removing him from the home, etc. It has to come from within.

Once an addict, always an addict. It's a tough road, and the stressors will always be with them.

Sending good thoughts and many hugs.

As for the wedding, when are we all coming there for our dress fittings? :princess:



Well-Known Member
Deb, are you "hinting" you want to wear pink????? I think maybe
Melissa is overwhelmed at the idea of all of us flying in for the
fittings and rehersals. LOL DDD


Warrior Parent
:rofl: I ain't wearing pink! But if you change the tint just a teeny bit, and call it 'coral' instead, then I will. :wink:

Be there with bells on, Melissa!