Dazed & Confused

[BrokenheartedMum]

So this weekend was when the family was all together to celebrate my father-in-law's 91st birthday and visit him in the hospital. My son ignored me all weekend. It was very awkward. I confronted him the last night as I rode with him and my husband, his Dad, in the car. I asked him why he was mad. He told me I knew why, and I said I really didn't. We rehashed "the incident", and he insisted I owed him an apology. I reminded him that he called me a f%#&!ing witch and that it was HE who owed the apology. He could not see it. I told him that it didn't even matter who was right or wrong, but that he should NEVER speak to his Mother that way. He could not see my side. I tabled it and the silent treatment continued. When he left he refused to even hug me. I am proud of myself for not giving in and apologizing, and I am thinking he may never back down.

The good thing is that by not talking to me, I guess he is learning to deal with the little upsets in life by himself, since he doesn't have me to call multiple times a day.

I started yoga and visited a therapist and am trying to work on me. I sure hope to one day have a relationship with my son.

I don't really have a question this time. Just an update.

 

[BusynMember]

Good for you!!!

 

[february]

So this weekend was when the family was all together to celebrate my father-in-law's 91st birthday and visit him in the hospital. My son ignored me all weekend. It was very awkward. I confronted him the last night as I rode with him and my husband, his Dad, in the car. I asked him why he was mad. He told me I knew why, and I said I really didn't. We rehashed "the incident", and he insisted I owed him an apology. I reminded him that he called me a f%#&!ing witch and that it was HE who owed the apology. He could not see it. I told him that it didn't even matter who was right or wrong, but that he should NEVER speak to his Mother that way. He could not see my side. I tabled it and the silent treatment continued. When he left he refused to even hug me. I am proud of myself for not giving in and apologizing, and I am thinking he may never back down.

The good thing is that by not talking to me, I guess he is learning to deal with the little upsets in life by himself, since he doesn't have me to call multiple times a day.

I started yoga and visited a therapist and am trying to work on me. I sure hope to one day have a relationship with my son.

I don't really have a question this time. Just an update.

 

[february]

stay strong!

 

[Blighty]

Hi brokenheartedmum

your recent comment resonated with me. It sounds like your son has something in common with mine; very stubborn and seemingly unforgiving about perceived hurts.

We cannot make them see sense and rationality and that is so frustrating! I think they have to find it out for themselves : how accept responsibility for their own lives and behave reasonably like an adult. That may take some time.

I am coming to the conclusion that there is nothing i can do. I have lowered my expectations about him ever changing his view about me siginificantly. But i also acknowledge I could have done some things better, and not "reacted" in cetain ways. I think we can always examine ourselves to understand what is the right thing for us to do from here forward. Make the right choices that are congruent with our principles and from our new learning about dealing with difficult children, and the greater good of the child in the long term. If they do come to their senses eventually they will then see why we did what we did, and that will foster respect.

There is a possibility that his attitude to you is also hate for himself that he is projecting onto you, as a defense mechanism. In which case, the most helpful thing you can do is to keep calm whenever you feel the need to react to what he does or says. Any anger and hostility towards him he could interpret as he is not worthy of being loved and so reinforce he is right to hate himself.

 

[Kalahou]

There is a possibility that his attitude to you is also hate for himself that he is projecting onto you, as a defense mechanism. In which case, the most helpful thing you can do is to keep calm ......anger and hostility towards him he could interpret as he is not worthy of being loved and so reinforce he is right to hate himself.

Profound. Good insight.

 

[RN0441]

Hi Broken:

I reread your post again to refresh my memory and I agree with your initial thoughts that by talking to you so much, you are behaving like his counselor rather than the mother to a 29 year old grown man. I'm hoping that you are practicing detachment and setting boundaries with your son.

I was turning into a counselor also with with my son and it doesn't work and he resented it also. I wasn't trying to be a counselor but I was always trying to say the right thing to make it all better. Spending all my time and energy trying to figure it all out (which I never did by the way). When dealing with him, he turned me into a person I did not want to be.

My son is much younger and has substance abuse issues but if my son were 29, on his own and self sufficient as your son is, I would not interject myself into any of what is going on with him especially since he is being cruel and punishing you all the time (for what I'm not sure!).

You should let as much time pass as possible after the way he acted to you and focus on YOUR happiness and doing thing that you enjoy. I would have very limited interaction with him and he WILL eventually figure out that HE is no longer in control of you! Nothing changes if nothing changes.

He really has to figure this out. Let him do it on his own. You will not be around forever so he does need to find the resources he needs to make his life the way that he wants it to be and stop laying a guilt trip on you every time he talks to you or sees you.

Good luck!

 

[BrokenheartedMum]

Yes Blighty, I think you are onto something! His anger definitely is deep towards himself, and I do think he "takes it out on me" because I allow it and because he feels I will love him despite it all. Right now I am torn about how to proceed. I know that this lack of communication is probably a good thing for him, because in the absence of being able to call me for every tiny little bump in his day, he is having to deal with these minor things himself, which is a great thing. I see now that I did both of us a disservice by answering whenever he called. But part of me wants to reach out and get past this, so I can set my boundaries with him and proceed in what will be a healthier way for me. I am just not sure how long to let this ride.....

 

[BrokenheartedMum]

Hi Broken:

I reread your post again to refresh my memory and I agree with your initial thoughts that by talking to you so much, you are behaving like his counselor rather than the mother to a 29 year old grown man. I'm hoping that you are practicing detachment and setting boundaries with your son.

I was turning into a counselor also with with my son and it doesn't work and he resented it also. I wasn't trying to be a counselor but I was always trying to say the right thing to make it all better. Spending all my time and energy trying to figure it all out (which I never did by the way). When dealing with him, he turned me into a person I did not want to be.

My son is much younger and has substance abuse issues but if my son were 29, on his own and self sufficient as your son is, I would not interject myself into any of what is going on with him especially since he is being cruel and punishing you all the time (for what I'm not sure!).

You should let as much time pass as possible after the way he acted to you and focus on YOUR happiness and doing thing that you enjoy. I would have very limited interaction with him and he WILL eventually figure out that HE is no longer in control of you! Nothing changes if nothing changes.

He really has to figure this out. Let him do it on his own. You will not be around forever so he does need to find the resources he needs to make his life the way that he wants it to be and stop laying a guilt trip on you every time he talks to you or sees you.

Good luck!

This was very good for me to read. I think I need to be strong and continue working on myself. The space is a good thing. I have not set any boundaries with him yet, because he still won't talk to me. I think for the good of the situation, I will keep staying quiet with him and work on ME. You are so right that he must learn to deal with things, because I won't be around forever.

It is very tough, though, as all of you know, because I want my son back! I hope and pray someday he figures it out. But me working on me will keep me sane and healthy and it can't hurt for him to see that, too.

This group is so cathartic for me. Thank you to everyone for weighing in!

 

[RN0441]

This was very good for me to read. I think I need to be strong and continue working on myself. The space is a good thing. I have not set any boundaries with him yet, because he still won't talk to me. I think for the good of the situation, I will keep staying quiet with him and work on ME. You are so right that he must learn to deal with things, because I won't be around forever.

It is very tough, though, as all of you know, because I want my son back! I hope and pray someday he figures it out. But me working on me will keep me sane and healthy and it can't hurt for him to see that, too.

This group is so cathartic for me. Thank you to everyone for weighing in!

I'm actually not having much communication with my son right now because I am so tired of suffering. My husband (his dad) is dealing with him right now.

It's a long story as to why I've gotten to this place with him but I want nothing more than a good mother/son relationship with my son also, yet I'm detached the most I've ever been right now. It doesn't make much sense to me where I am right now. We were always very close but it seems he does BETTER when I take a GIANT step back. So there's that too.

He has been trying to reach out to me with humor the past day (he knows I love to laugh) or so and I have responded lightly, but not really asking about his sponsor, his this, his that. I just can't. I feel guilty.

My son, or your son, will NEVER figure it out if WE don't do things differently as mothers. I really believe that!